I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

BTW - In my earlier post I said I had not read anything on here. I meant I had not read everything !

I think she is facing up to her feelings isn?t she?

ib

Sorry if I am out of line - I just read your posted and wondered if you would feel better if you weren't trying to be "perfect" re: the attachment parenting. If you are feeing the need for time to yourself, you should listen to that. It's not wrong

I don?t know, Dittany. I know what you?re saying, but I know that personally, I?m at my most eloquent when I?m upset. Maybe she just wanted to make it as clear as possible? It?s difficult to know how people are feeling when they type. She might have typed it out a few times first.
I think maybe I just know a bit of how she is feeling, and it?s horrible. Really horrible. I never even got close to the idea of putting DS back into the system, but adopting a baby is so isolating and so conflicted, that it can really mess you up.
OP - are you still there?

I think she has been brave

I also have an emotional reaction to the very idea of this child being returned to care, but I think this thread will have helped her see that other people can understand some of her feelings

I think all too often people expect to feel a huge wave of love for their child and get disappointed when it dosen't happen, my two are almost 12 and 9 and I have never had that 'knocked over feeling' people talk of. However my children are loved and secure, they thrive at school, we educate them and learn from them, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Of course they're loved, I love them because they're mine, they're funny and quirky, I enjoy their company and when they learn new things, their achievements, their loyalty and the way they try to inderstand and fit in, they're Absolutely Fucking Fabulous and I made them that way....but I have never felt that 'rush' maybe it just isn't there ?

Who gives a shit

Stop chasing dreams op I think you have built up this fantasy about having a child and falling head over heals, chances are you're chasing that pot of gold which may not even be there.

I think you need counselling, and good quality counselling, at that. A lot of your posts sounds like you may simply have issues with expectations.

I am lucky enough to have lovely twin boys, who are 18 months now. I can't really remember a "rush of love" when they were born, but I've always viewed love as something that develops over time. I would come to love a kitten if someone gave me one, so why would a baby be any different?

A little while after they were born, my father-in-law started making snide, concerned comments implying I loved my second twin more. It wasn't true, but he made me start thinking about it. From then on, I constantly analysed everything I did with my first twin, worrying whether it was true. So that cuddles with twin 2 remained lovely, enjoyable moments of fun, but cuddles with twin 1 became inextricably bound up with worry about whether I was loving him properly. The worry took over everything.

The more I worried, the more I couldn't be sure that I did love twin 1 the same as twin 2. Was I actually analysing my love for twin 1, or was it just that interactions with twin 1 were different because I was overthinking them constantly?

And then I worried that my worry would cause me to love twin 1 less/treat twin 1 differently.

Eventually, after many months, I became secure in my love for each of them, but while it lasted, those comments tainted everything.

Have you ever had a pet animal you cared about? Why did you care about it? After all, you (presumably) didn't birth it?

I know mary, surprised me too!

OP, please think long and hard about your situation.

Think about how you might react around her when she is a truculent teenager - from my (limited ) experience, failed adoptions seem to take place during the child's adolescence... just when they are at their most awkward, disagreeable but perhaps most needy too.

JessieAlbright - ?After all, you (presumably) didn't birth it??

*Dittany - yes, you?re right. As soon as we were approved we stopped TTC - and it would horrify me to discover a pregnancy now (as Maryz said above somewhere) - my DS was born to be my DS. That he wasn?t born to me, is just details!!

I worry for the OP that her SW didn?t prepare her properly. It seems as though there is more than one issue that OP hasn?t really worked through. I can?t imagine an adopter struggling with contact once placed - it?s something that you prepare for.

You don?t need genetics to love your children. After all, my DS shares a genetic bond with the birth parents who created him - but I am his Mummy.

I can?t imagine how it must be to feel like the OP does. I feel as though she has been let down by a system which is inconsistent at best - but the real tragedy is that consequently, that little girl is bearing the brunt of the fallout. I do hope this awful mess is worked through soon, for all concerned

I love my adopted son as much as my birth children.

No question.

The week my DD was dx with cancer I sobbed inconsolably for and hour because I feared I could lose two of my children. We were still fostering him and I thought SS would remove him because of DD's illness.

OP if you really feel this way, despite counselling then you must disrupt this adoption.

If you are serious about wanting to 'iron' things out you will definatly stop ttc. NOW.

If you dont then I dont really think you are going to work things out with your ADD.

She is not second best to a birth child.

I make no judgement on you. Life is far to complex for that. But you need to do something now.

Unfortunately the fact she will have a disrupted placement will go against her in the adoption stakes. It will stigmatize her.

Again - not judgement - reality.

The fact she is a girl and still young will help but only if she is under 2-3 so your window of time is short.

I am sorry this is happening. It cannot be easy but she is the most important person in this situation and you really need to pull together all the strength you have and put her first.

poor little girl.

OP, you seem to have huge expectations about what she would do to your life. You are placing a massive burden on her - and when you didn't react to her as if this was the ending of a fairy story, you think you can just give her back. That's horrible.

People can have difficult relationships with biological children, too, you know - there are enough threads on MN for you to see that. Giving birth doesn't automatically turn you into the perfect mother.

I have no idea what the best solution is here but I do hope whatever you do you put HER first. She didn't ask for any of this, poor little mite.

Did you get my PM, Dittany?

Jamie Lee - not trying to be 'perfect', far from it - attachment parenting resulted from ds1's need (he had reflux so severe he wouldn't eat and ended up malnourished by the time he was 4 mo). I had to do it for him - there really was no choice. And he was suffering so much that I could never have turned my back on him.

Had to settle for being able to keep him alive, as stopping him suffering and crying all day was not available...

But thanks so much for your message! (and I'm impressed someone made it to the end of my rather long winded post)

(sorry for hijack OP)

I agree with everything thefirstMrsDeVere has said.

I have both work & personal experience of adoption.

Sad as it would be for this placement to break down - it would be far more damaging to this little girl if it broke down a few years down the line when she was older, when she would almost certainly be considered to be too old to be adopted. Or if you kept her but she felt second best to any subsequent biological children.

I hope, for her sake, you work it out

For obvious reasons, I second Dittany at 18:52.

I really just can´t get my head around it. How you could think of giving her back. I have two cats. CATS. who annoy the hell out of me about 75% of the time. They are cats and therefore they give very very little.. most of it is hairballs and hair everywhere and sleeping on my bed or scratching favourite pieces of furniture. Or going through phases of weeing around the house in a place you can´t quite find so have to spend ages on hands and knees sniffing corners and table legs trying to find it. When we moved into a first floor flat I considered rehoming them as I felt they´d be happier (and we certainly we would). I didn´t. Because WE decided to get them, we decided to take them when they were cute fluffy kittens that anyone would want. And we have to uphold that commitment to them now they are 5 year olds that would be so much harder to rehome.*

And they are cats. So there´s little point me following this thread much more because no, I could never, ever understand your point of view regarding a child.

I hope the counselling helps, more than anything i hope your daughter has the best outcome for her and that you live with that, whatever it is.

*we now have a garden and the cats are very happy for those who may be concerned re. how this story panned out