I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

It?s also not the OP?s sole decision to ?return her? - OP will have expressed her concerns over attachment, and the review process of SS will deal with that along with everything else that they review.

Firstly - sorry I have not read anything on here

I wanted to pick up on something you wrote back on page 3 or so, about expecting your DD to be traumatised, to have attachment issues etc, and instead you got a basically happy, sunny baby.

I found that really interesting - I wondered if what you were saying was that if she had needed you more, in a way, the you would feel that somehow you as parents were more important, and special to her - that it was you who had made the difference to her life. Instead, you've got a baby who seems to be her own little person.

I wanted to say that that is something biological parents have to come to terms with as well. I also think it links with something TattyDevine said way back on page 8 or so:

I wonder if perhaps you aren't taking any "credit" for your daughter simply because of the biological element and think others are not allocating you any credit for her either. Because at 8 months there is not a lot of feedback that isn't just who they look like and whether or not they are sitting/crawling etc.

But its not long till she gets older and starts to interact more and then it very very very much is down to you and how you have spent your time with her and what kind of child she becomes is purely down to you and your partner and you can take all the credit, and people will more naturally allocate that credit to you (believe me if you are at soft play and she lobs someone over the head they most definitely will).

I love my niece and nephew the same as I love my ds. My ds is mine by birth and yet I can honestly say I love them the same and would have real difficulty choosing between them if I had to in a life or death situation IYSWIM

I have an unusual situation though with dns in that my sister died when they were small so I dd A LOT of bonding with them. Also I had some trouble bonding with DS in the early months/first year.

You may have a bio child and have that rush of love but you will also find a lot of posts here from mothers who had to work at that bond with some (or even all) of their children.

If you go on to have more than one birth child and you don't bond as well with one of them as as with the others will you send him/her" back?

If and when you have your own bio child, you may or may not have that "rush" with your own child and even if you do, you should remember that not everyone does and your adopted dd could just as easily have been a child you gave birth to and struggled to bond with for a while

nolovehere- what awful situation,its so sad.
how can you not love a child??
i love my sisters children and my bfs to bits and would have them in an instant if anything would happen to either of their mums granted its not slushy love but its good solid love .
maybe the slushy love you expected will never come,even with your own child,for some mothers it doesnt.
maybe one day when shes running towards you squealing mummy !with a massive toothy grin your heart will skip a beat.good luck.

I think OP has said a few times that she is not actively TTC , even though she said it in her original post. She has said that she wouldn?t start until all of this is resolved. It was in an earlier post that she has said that she and her DH can?t conceive, so it?s not really active.

OP - I?ve re-read a few of your posts. I don?t think you?re back-tracking but I do think you?re all over the place. i?m glad you?re getting some help. There has been some sound advice on this thread, and I hope some of it has helped you.

No, SS would never place any child for adoption if the potential adopter admitted to TCC. Stopping that and dealing with fact that it won't ever happen and that's ok, are part of the process. Like Maryz, some women do become pregant after adoption, but contrary to popular opinion, this is very, very uncommon.

Haven't read whole thread but felt I must say that I know a boy who was 'returned to care' after being adopted. He was then fostered by people in my village. A really nice, gentle boy but easily lead and with a temper (no suprises given what he'd been through). He's in prison now, having been persauded by some 'mates' to hold up a shop with a replica gun, he didn't know what else to do; he was frightened of his friends. Just heart breaking.

I?ve been speaking to OP privately, Dittany , and she has expressed her concerns to SS, but isn?t just thinking about ?handing her back? - it?s more about raising these serious concerns and getting some help, I think

She is hoping to get pregnant.

Like warthog. I didn't love my first dc for ages. I felt like a total freak. I knew I'd do anything for him but what I felt was more like duty than love. And very very slowly it did happen.

I have not read past the first page but wanted to respond to something you said:

'I just feel like her babysitter. And I feel like other people look at us like that too - as though it doesn?t count because I didn?t give birth to her. And I feel like that too'

I have 2 dc that I gave birth to but oddly I can understand exactly how you feel. I am sort of the other way round, I wasn't supposed to be able to have dc, then got pg anyway.

Sometimes I get this feeling of total dislocation - like I'm a fraud because I never meant to be a mother and yet here I am, acting like these dc are mine. And I feel like everyone must know that I'm not really a proper mother.

I attachment parent my dc, because I believe it is the best for them. But really I wish they would just go to bed in their own rooms and sleep for 12 hours a night so dh and I can sit and play computer games. I feel like a fraud about that too.

But the thing is, I do what I feel I have to do because I want them to have that and there is no one else to give it to them. For better or worse, we are where we are and I will do the right thing.

It's taken a long time (ds1 is almost 4) but I'm finally starting to feel like their mother. I may not be the best mother in the world but I'm the best they've got and that'll have to do. Of course I continue to try to get better.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that that feeling of irreality (iykwim) is not necessarily a lack of love - you got your dd when she was a little older, which means that you skipped the 'tiny impossibly vulnerable newborn which you just absolutely have to take care of non-stop' stage (replaced of course by something just as demanding and complicated), which may mean a different adjustment process (hence possibly why your dh still feels differently about your dd and his ds?)

I personally think the paternal love comes from the absolute responsibility for the other person. Interestingly you mention nieces and nephews. I know if I had to adopt my nieces and nephews I would get to love them as much as my dc over time. Right now I don't have the same level of engagement because ultimately they are someone else's responsibility.

I wonder if at some level the extensive involvement of ss and your feeling that there is an alternative to assuming full responsibility is getting in the way of your bonding process?

just thinking out loud now - will go back and read what more intelligent people had to say on the matter.

OP, you know what? I have more sympathy for you now than I did when i first posted.
your big reply makes it sound very much like you want this to work and that more than anything you are scared that it won't

I think you should perhaps think about giving yourself a time limit? say 6 weeks in which to make a decision. In that time seek counselling, talk to your husband... try and imagine what life would be without your little girl in it

you say you wish she was yours.

she IS yours!

Really interesting, jamieleecurtis - I picked up on that too. OP was expecting an older traumatised child with certain issues, and actually was unbelievably fortunate to get the ?holy grail? - a healthy happy baby, with no immediate concerns. It was a little like that for us - and actually, it knocks you for six!!

Sterryerryoh I really hope as you are in private talks with the op that you manage to make her realize that this is normal for some mothers either biological or not which is what she originally asked, and I hope you help her to see that she obviosly does love the child or she would have just dumped her back in care and not agaonised at all. If you can get her to understand this and get some anti depressants both her and the child can have a very happy life. I am glad she is talking to you.

Thanks sterryoh - I had no idea whether I was talking crap!

I do also wonder about depression - it has you thinking some pretty funny things.

I hope you find a way through this.

I have read all of the posts and I can see both arguements - I don't know which would be the path of least harm to little DD though :(

I easily 'fall in love' with other peoples children. I honestly cannot understand how you have had this longed for baby girl from 5 months to 14 months and not fallen in love with her...

However, this is about you, not me.

You seem to be focussing on her birth family - why are you doing this? Do you have to keep in touch with them on a regular basis? If not, put the photos away and concentrate on the 'here & now' - telling her she's adopted is a long way off (I think children should just grow up 'knowing' and not having to be told, but she's only 14 months so you have plenty of time).

Have you asked yourself 'How would I feel if I never saw her again'? What was your answer?

How do you feel if someone (accidentally) hurts her? If another child is 'mean' to her? When she falls over?

I am baffled by your comment 'We have not made a commitment to her^ - I understand that legally you have not done this - but emotionally??? You took her into your home at 6 months old - surely that was the commitment?

I also only really really felt like the right, proper mother to my DS1 when he was around 4

I think - and I may be wrong here - that she has only recently thought about TTC (a few months into placement) and that she has told her SW about this. I don?t believe she is genuinely trying to conceive - ostensibly because she can?t, but I do think that somehow she has got all mixed up and thinks that a biological child might cure her worried. Am I right, OP?

dittany - do you not think, though, that sometimes people use AIBU to just say the most extreme version of what they are feeling. And, in fact, when people are depressed, they do tend to think in very black-and-white, catastrophising ways. This is where counselling is so helpful - it helps hold a mirror up to what you are saying, hear yourself say it, and try and decide whether it really is true or not

I agree she has backtracked and she needs to face up to her feelings. I am again really shocked that the adoption process didn't pick up on this.