I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

Op it really does sound like you love her please go and sit with her and play with her and then sit down and think how empty life would be if you gave her back and you will have your answer

Dittany - I said ?my OP was misleading really, but I was crying my eyes out when I wrote it, just to get across the point that it?s how I feel - that adoption is something I am struggling with, and although I felt as though we had dealt with infertility, we quite clearly have unresolved issues with it?

I don?t want people to say what a great thing I?m doing - I feel like the world?s biggest coward and worst person. I wanted people?s experiences, so I can work out how normal this is for adopters - or how prevalent it is in birth families, so that I can access my counselling with a wider vantage point. I know AIBU sets up for personal attacks - I am prepared to take things on board, and more than welcoming of people who are giving me constructive advice and even those being harsh with me. I am not refusing to be her parent - I am struggling like hell

I don?t mean to backtrack, but I?m all over the place.

grapeandlemon - we did deal with it all. Of course we considered it - we had 4 years of training on it. That?s my point - all of that training and thinking, and I still feel like this. In theory I had worked through it - in practise I am struggling. I know what adoption entails - I CAN?T DO IT!!!

My SW knows how I feel about TTC and she knows everything that I have said on here. I am starting counselling soon

'we did deal with it all. Of course we considered it - we had 4 years of training on it. That?s my point - all of that training and thinking, and I still feel like this. In theory I had worked through it - in practise I am struggling. I know what adoption entails - I CAN?T DO IT!!!'

No mother is ever prepared for motherhood never

"I know what adoption entails - I CAN'T DO IT!!!"

Sounds like you've made your mind up OP.

Phipps - I said ?don?t judge me? to Dittany in response to a specific comment.
Dittany - my DH was on board. Completely - initially he was unsure, but our SW always knew about that, and he worked through those feelings

If your SW (who is trained to deal with this of thing) and has seen you with your DD and is happy for her to remain then she obviosly has a better idea of what is best for your dd than women on a web forum as she can see what we and maybe you cant the relationship between you and your DD. She has suggested you go to councilling so she believes you can do this, you just need to believe it to?

You know what adoption entails, but you can't do it?

Don't you just, er, look after the baby?

I think you are doing far too much navel-gazing about this. All your posts sound very self-indulgent. Perhaps this is a symptom of depression, or perhaps it's just what you are like. But I think you need to start getting over yourself.

I think you have post adoption depression, nolovehere - I feel for you, I really do. It?s so hard - you feel you have to be twice as perfect as any other mother - and you feel as though you are not allowed to acknowledge any negative feelings. But you are

SS hanging over your head all the time, visiting every 2 weeks, judging your abilities, having to explain yourself? if you have PADS, you will suffer even more through this.

I can?t help but feel that if this was a biological mother talking, everyone would be more gentle and encourage her to seek help for her PND. I urge you to do the same.

Phipps - I don?t think your comments are that helpful. OP is struggling. Yes, this is AIBU, but she is reaching out.

My comment still stands and I note it is the only thing you have responded to in all the posts I have taken the time and thought to post.

No, BOF - you don?t just, er, look after the baby

There are over 330 posts - sorry I didn?t name check you before

sterrryerryoh is talking sence op have you discussed the possibility of depression?

I am a non-biological mother to my wonderful daughter - nearly 2. My partner gave birth to her, and I have had to ponder many of these issues, both when she was a theoretical possibility, and now that she is here and at the centre of my life. I want to say 2 things - as gently as I can:

1. I think that you are making a classic mistake in elevating the status of biological motherhood to the point where it solves all problems in terms of how you relate to a child. It doesn't (as many people on here testify). It is given an extraordinarily high status in culture and it is endlessly idealised. It's not always great, it doesn't always work as it might, and (this is the important part) - it only matters if you let it. Yes, sometimes it's odd to find myself in a family gathering and to realise that despite cutting DD's cord and doing everything other than breastfeeding that a bio mother would do, I am not genetically related to her (nor, currently, do I have a legal relationship to her, which pains me deeply - I would love, love, love to adopt her). There are lots of different ways to be a parent and a mother, and I always think that the non-bio parent (whether gay/lesbian, step-parent, adoptive) is the platinum label: you don't have to do these things, society (and perhaps biology?) doesn't always give you a helping hand, so what you end up with is pure love - no 'selfish gene' at work. That is a wonderful thing to be able to give a child - to love them just because they are. IYSWIM.

1. 8 months is pretty young, and even though I was there when DD was delivered (and before!) as time goes on I find that the early weeks and months become less distinct - live in the present. In my case things are different because I knew that I might have to work at bonding with her for a long time before we had her, and because there is no possibility of sending her back, because we are her family - just as you are your daughter's family - the only one she knows.

I can see that this is terribly hard, but please, please, please, try not to get hung up on biology - at the moment your daughter doesn't know anything about biology, and nor does she need to. My DD just knows that I am her mum (and that she has 2 of the pesky mares!) and I can't imagine what it would do to her if I were no longer there, or she were taken away somewhere else.

I just can't see that returning her will do you, or her, any good.

And what will happen if you do conceive if you have this idea that biology trumps everything? Really, it doesn't, you know.

sterrrrrry- if it were a biological mother talking about giving her baby up for adoption, I'm sure the reception would be equally as frosty.
Comparing this to a biological mother who is simply struggling is different.

SW knew you were TTC and they placed a practically newborn baby with you?

Then the system is fucked as they have contributed to this mess. That poor, poor baby.

I think as your posts go on you are stating more clearly that you can't do this, aside from a few notes about how she makes you laugh sometimes, it has all been extremely negative and you have had some wonderful advice here. I too speak as someone who didn't bond for a long time with DD, the love grew v slowly.

I think you should give her back. She is in the middle of a lot of unresolved issues with you and she may have a chance with a family who will adore her. That is not to make you feel rotten btw, but ultimately this lovely, every baby deserves to be treasured and showered with love and care.

I am truly sorry for you but the baby has to come first.

Not interested in name checks . I want to know your thoughts on what I have posted as I think I have valid comments and concerns.

sterrryerryoh Don't really care if you don't think I am helping in your opinion tbh. I am trying to help nolovehere wake up and realise she has to stop this adoption process now.

Yes, flamegrilledmomma, I have considered it. I don?t know - I never thought that it would hit me.
I?m going now.

Thank you

WTF would people's experience add to this? If your OP had asked, in the adoption section, how you can best bond that would be one thing, but you didn't you crassly asked AIBU to return her like an ill fitting bra from M&S.

I would think most adoptions fail because the child is older, adoption is, surely, about giving a child a loving home and can never be the same as having a child biologically.

Op I really hope you see how much you love her before it is to late because I can see you do if you didn't you would not have agonised over this decision for months.

I don?t think OP is talking about just handing her baby back, it doesn?t work like that. She is struggling with the review process of early placement - it is a very different thing to a biological mother putting a baby up for adoption. Currently OP?s DD isn?t ?hers? in the true sense - there are so many hurdles to overcome, so many people to prove yourself to - the actual parenting can sometimes get a little bit lost.

It sounds very much to me like PADS, which is awful for everyone - that baby needs you, OP - and you need her. You just need to believe it to be so

Well I have over-simplified to make a point. The point being that you can overthink all this and disappear up your own arse.

I am also very shocked by your attitude and at the way you are changing your version of the story as you go. I'm not an expert, though am an approved adopter and have done a lot of reading, talking to adopters etc... and it sound to me like you could have PAD. It really exists and it can be just as severe as PND. Get some help at once. Call Adoption UK tomorrow for some advice and support. Whatever you do, you need to understand that these issues will not be resolved by a biological child.

Yes it's true that lots of approved adopters would love to adopt your child, but it's not that easy as many posters know. There will inevitably be months before she is 'placed' with a new family and probably at least one foster family in between that. If she's licky she might be 2 when placed again and of course she will be affected by these moves.

I do feel for you, but I feel more for her. She's already lost her birth mother for whatever reason, not she might lose her 'forever family'. She must already sense some of your angst and that can't be good for her. If she really was at the centre of all your plans and decisions, you would not have even though about TTC, your husband's probable infertility notwithstanding. You should have at least enough respect for your daughter to deal with the current siutation before creating a new mess.

sorry posted too soon, but it can be as loving, as rewarding and as much an experience as any family.