I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

Op being a mother is always scary can I ask do you love her? do you want the best for her? Why are you scared is it because you dont think you are good enough or that she is good enough?

If the answers are yes and that you are scared you will mess up then you are already being a good mum. There is no handbook and being a mum is the hardest job in the world yet we get no preparation for what it involves.

I think the op does love her she is just scared she will let her down, when she has already been hurt so much. That is why she is making excuses.

Oh for god?s sake - you really are picking up on things that are not the key issue, dittany - and a couple of others.
It?s just phrasing - I?m going completely mental here - everything I have ever known, worked for and wanted is utterly in turmoil. I am talking about my feelings because I am the decision maker here (me and DH, but I am not going to speak for him) - it goes without saying that she is the most important person in the equation - everything is about and for her, and I would have it no other way. I?ve already said that TTC isn?t happening yet - and I wouldn?t entertain the notion of IVF until this was all sorted.

I was trying to say - I wouldn?t act lightly because it?s not a game - it?s not words on a page - it is an actual life. I know that her life, DH?s life, my life - none of them would ever be the same again. Of course I do - it?s the biggest and most difficult decision I could ever be faced with.

I am having counselling and sessions with SW to deal with all of this - to work things out. She is at the centre of everything. I am struggling with being an adoptive parent. Really struggling, and no one is winning right now. So have a pop at me for ?not seeing a reflection of myself in here? if you really want to - but out of the countless issues that we already have, that isn?t one of them. You?re picking stuff that isn?t there. I?m not so narcissistic that the mso important thing is that she look like me - I was trying to highlight some of the details about adopting that natural parents don?t have to think about, to try and give it some balance.
Walk a mile in my shoes, and then have a go

When I was pg with ds [my first child] I remember thinking,'What if I dont like it?'
Love grows-I have step dc and dgc and I love the dgc as if they were biologically related.You have been given a very precious gift of this little girl-you must have been judged 'good enough' before the placement was approved.Whatever you think you feel the lo will love you,have bonded with you and will trust you.At 16 months it will devastate her to move and building up trust again will be so much harder.You should never have applied to adopt if you werent 100% sure but you did.She deserves your love and care and if you are going to be a fit mother for anyone you must give this child every scrap of love you can muster-work at it please.

Flamegrilledmama - I don?t know if I love her. She is a child from another family, and it is so, so hard to get past that notion.
I want her to have everything, and I need to compensate for her biological family. I don?t think I can

working9while5 - I put that paragraph in to highlight some of the issues that non-adoptive parents don?t ever have to think about. Of course it isn?t her job to bring me joy - I was saying that she DOES bring us joy - it is my job to make sure her life is everything it should be. That?s my big worry

I am working at it pranma - believe me, after all those years of wanting it - I won?t just let it go. She?s a real little human being - not just words on a page, and she deserves everything in the world. She deserves a better parent than me

'I want her to have everything, and I need to compensate for her biological family' This sounds good to me

CHUNKYCHICK - the "real" parents are the ones that give every day love, care and attention, the ones there in the middle of the night when DC have nightmares, the ones who look after them when they are sick etc etc etc.

I am seriously finding some of these posts so offensive towards adoptive parents!

dittany - I?ve already said - I WANT to conceive but I won?t entertain the notion until this is sorted out. DH is infertile. We are not using protection, but there is no chance of us conceiving - my OP was misleading really, but I was crying my eyes out when I wrote it, just to get across the point that it?s how I feel - that adoption is something I am struggling with, and although I felt as though we had dealt with infertility, we quite clearly have unresolved issues with it. That?s not anyone?s fault - it is just the way it has become. I hate that I feel this way - I wish I didn?t

We are not actively TTC - we can?t. We haven?t even begun to look at the IVF option

dittany - what do you mean when you say ?you would have been more honest that your dh only supported the adoption for you? - more honest with who?

It seems like you think you're not good enough for her???? The perfect parent doesn't exist we only ever try our best.

I have 4 lovely dc, it doesn't stop me wanting more, doesn't that mean I'm not a good enough Mum for the ones I already have?

It almost seems like you are setting yourself up to fail?

If this child is returned and then adopted within the next year or so there will be less damage to her wellbeing than if she stays in a family that doesn't fully accept her as their child.

I agree with cargirl

Actually nolovehere you sound scared and depressed I think you will never forgive yourself if she goes-you are unlikely to get another chance to adopt a baby.Could you face never seeing her little face again,never cuddling her or have her smile at you.You can be a proper mum to this baby-we all feel 'not good enough' sometimes.What a privilege it is to be a parent.

"She is a child from another family, and it is so, so hard to get past that notion."

I am aghast that you didn't consider this before actually pushing forwards to adpot this baby. That is what adoption entails - accepting a child from another family and loving and caring for them.

Truly shocked to the core.

You need emergency councelling and you need to come totally clean to your SW about TTC.

OP i think you are being to hard on yourself here.
You have written some beautiful things about your adopted daughter...a person without love could not do so.

I have 8 children, 5 are mine biologically and 3 are step children.(my dh`s with his first wife)
I love all the children, although i do admit i love them in different ways.
DD2 (my first bio-child) i didnt bond with her until she was around 5.
Its not that i didnt want to love her ...i was so afraid of getting it wrong i kept her at an emotional distance.
I read to her , bought her every toy she asked for , spoiled her rotten...but i didnt love her the way i thought i "should".
When she was born there was no "magical rush of love".She was just a baby who needed cared for.

It sort of crept up on me whilst i wasnt looking. One day she came home from school ,and was chattering away as usual and there it was.
Looking back , i think i probaly had post-natel depression with her ...and i know youve adopted , but men can get post-natel too, so i dont think its just a hormonal thing.More a realisation that mother hood is a wee bit harder than you imagine iykwim?

The best thing you could do is spend some one-to-one time with her and just enjoy it for what it is.... having fun with an adorable little girl.

nolovehere, I think you do love your baby. I have a friend who has just adopted her third child this year, and I recall her having similar feelings to yours first time round.

Firstly, there is always the fear that she could be taken away, which doesn't give you time to relax and enjoy the experience.

Expectations of an adoptive mother are high. I can express frustration at my DC waking in the night, but for an adoptive mother, it's possibly seen as taboo not to enjoy the entire thing.

Then, there's the distraction of ttc yourself.

With biological children, there's not a formal review by the services every so often. I would also imagine that the adoption groups can make the whole process seem drawn out. I would imagine this causes undue stress.

However, you have stated a wish that she was yours. You really do seem to care about her well being. She brings you joy.

To be honest, it seems like she's exactly where she should be. You would most likely miss her an awful lot more than you think. When things are more final, perhaps you will feel more settled. My friend certainly did.

The duaghter that I feel head over heels for that I loved passionately etc etc well she's the one that I actually have the worst bond & relationship with.

It's the others that took a long time for me to accept as being mine that I've actually been the best Mum to, the ones that I've been for emotionally day in and day out even when I've really struggled with depression.

Are you struggling with your vulnerability in this situation?

I think it's very hard to come to terms with not being able to conceive a wanted child regardless of how many you have and regardless of whether you gave birth to them yourself or not.

Perhaps you need to realise that you may have a lifetime of grieving for the bio children you may never have? That doesn't stop you being a good enough Mum to your dd.

And you saying don't judge until you have walked in your shoes.

Some of us have walked in the baby's shoes.

Even your user name speaks volumes.

I think you need to call your social worker tomorrow and ask them to come and take the child back. Seriously.

I'm sorry OP, but I have to agree with dittany. Someone else pointed this out earlier, and I think it would be really useful if you thought about it:

If this is about you as a mother, how will conceiving another child help? If it is not about the little girl, as you say, what will be different next time?

It strikes me that it is either entirely about the little girl and her family history, or you are suffering from PADS .

The fact is, you have this little girl now. She needs you. She doesn't deserve to be messed around. She has done nothing wrong. IT isn't her fault that she had parents before you, why punish her for it? If she is returned, she will never get over that rejection. She will never understand why she wasn't good enough, twice. And what if the next adoptive family decided they'd rather trade her in for a child related to them? How many times do you think she'll be able to deal with that before her future is well and truly shattered?

In all seriousness, what if you do manage to conceive naturally now? How will that change your perception? Will you simply stop bothering to try with DD?