I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

So many questions here

Why are you TTC so early into an adoption? Surely you didn't tell your SW this? You sounds totally unfocussed on this baby and all over the place. What about your DH? Donor sperm?? Is he just going along with anything you decide?

The adoptive process I have been informed by a close friend, is a massive, complex emotional journey with lots of preparation. Surely you had doubts if you were TTC at such a key time. I am totally perplexed.

I feel incredibly sad for this baby

You are using this child just in case you can't get pg, which is reprehensible and vile. I'm sure if you were pg she'd be gone. I can't imagine adopting or trying to adopt and all the while hoping to have a baby of my own.

X posted

I wonder how much the issues surrounding contact with the birth parents (to which a previous, adopted poster alluded) are at play here. You say you have their pictures, OP, and look at them every day. Is your dd going to have ongoing contact with her birth family? Do you have to foster this contact? I know that social services supports contact as much as possible in the child's interests, which I guess is a good thing.

But I suppose there is also a counter argument that this leaves adopters feeling more like long-term foster carers rather than parents, because the 'real' parents are always in the background. I wonder if there is an element of this in the OP's mind...

Incidentally my ds is the result of donor sperm.

I understand your pain, OP, genuinely. When DS was placed with us (aged just under 5 months) my DH and I looked at one another and said ?what have we done??
It?s true, the reality of adoption can hit you like a ton of bricks. Adopting a baby is so hard, because so few people adopt small babies - most adopted children are much older, and most of adoption training and support is geared towards older children and the issues and effects of that. The difficulty with adopting a small baby is that everyone around you talks constantly about the pregnancy, the labour, the birth etc - it is so hard to find anyone to engage with. So hard to find ANYONE who can understand what you feel - even other adopters.

I would like to say to you that although I don?t know if I would love my son any more if he were biologically mine - I doubt it very much. I can?t imagine loving a human being any more than I love him. He?s amazing - I feel like the luckiest mummy in the whole world. I was gifted this incredible child, and I get to be the one to share his life with him - how amazing is that?

You got through the adoption process with your DH because you are strong people, and have a lot to give. Very few people make it through the process, and those that do, do so for a reason. Reading your posts, I strongly think that you need to start believing in yourself. Of course you will love her - you just need to accept it.

My DS DOES look like me. He is 15 months old (similar age to your DD) and he raises his eyebrows in exactly the way I do. He laughs like DH. The few words he says, come out in our accent. It?s exciting - we can actively SEE the influence we?ve had on him. We can gauge what is nature and what is nurture.

You have been given the chance to love and care for a little girl who needs you - you need to stop beating yourself up that you are not good enough for her. You are. And she will fill your life with love, happiness, laughter, sick, snot and dirty nappies. And I suspect you have been yearning for that for many years.

I don?t really believe that you are TTC properly - you can?t replace an adopted child with a bio one - and you know that. And who is to say that a bio child won?t come with it?s own set of problems?

You are already a mummy, and you are very lucky. You just need to believe and start acting like one. It will come.

I will send you a PM

Good luck, and give yourself a break

'I understand how some of you can?t believe I could be so callous as to consider ?returning her? - me either. I am a good person, but I am scared that I have made an awful mistake, and that she will suffer forever as a result of this. If she goes back into care, it will likely haunt me for eternity. But it?s about a) being good enough for her and b) being good enough for me. If I am good enough for neither of us, what?s the point?'

Can I just say I felt this all the way through both my pregnancy's, I think your fear may be because you do love her and you are scared you wont be good enough, if that is the case you already are

StewieGriffinsMom
"you can just hand her back because she isn't meeting the needs you were expecting her to meet. And you can find a whole lot of ways to rationalise it and act like it's no big deal when in fact you'll be putting a blight on this poor baby's life."

I could not possibly rationalise it, and would never act like it was ?no big deal?. This is MY LIFE - and hers. It?s not like I?ll just decide and leave her on a shelf somewhere. Of course it?s a big f*cking deal

Hence the reason I am asking for experiences, opinions, advice and receiving counselling. Whatever I am - whatever I do, it will not be something we approach lightly or flippantly

Sorry - last post was to dittany not stewiegriffin?s mom

nolove I am one of the people who say if you truly don't feel you can love her you should give her back. However, I do understand to some extent where you are coming from. We fostered our dd from birth and she was going to be adopted. Her adoption process was always going to be drawn out (about 2 years) for various reasons. When she was 10 months old we decided to adopt her to save her the trauma of a new family at 2 years old. At that stage I did not love her. The love came after her adoption (at 2.4 years). She has been legally ours for a year now and I honestly love her in exactly the same way as my two birth dc.
I think if you stop ttc and concentrate on this little girl the love will come. If you really feel you can't though I beg of you give her back because there are so many people who will love her as she deserves.

Also people are always telling me how much my dd looks like me, it will happen.

Dittany - it is not all about me. It really isn?t. Perhaps it?s not coming across well - I don?t know. It?s about all of us. Yes, I wish she had my nose, I had her nose - etc etc. It?s just phrasing. I was trying to say what a wonderful child she is, and that it is in no way the fact that she is difficult to be with, or that I am finding her hard to parent. The whole point is that I feel I am not good enough for her and don?t have enough to offer her. She gives us everything

You have already approached it lightly. You are trying to adopt and tcc at the same time, the 'mine' comments are possibly about not conceiving and yet having a baby. You resent her. I agree with dittany that this is all about you. "This is MY LIFE - and hers." Actually I see it as this is her life in your hands. You can either be a nice person who couldn't bear to give her back or you're not.

I think you have done this to keep your, obviously, not bothered DH too....smacks of desperation to me, ttc and adopting.

'I am her Mother - but I don?t feel like it. I am terrified that I never will, and that I will never be good enough for her. '.......
Welcome to motherhood!

Telling yourself that you are a good person is not going to make one whit of difference here. You are dealing with something that could potentially ruin this child's ability to attach to and feel secure with others for life. The fact you would be "haunted" by handing her back and that you would feel it a hard decision to make won't make it easier for her. The fact that the adoption process involves a "get out" clause does not mean that it wouldn't seriously impact on her. The fact that another family would adopt her would not necessarily undo the damage caused by suffering a second rejection at this early age.

I am sorry if I sound harsh but your post sounds to be more about your unresolved feelings e.g. that she doesn't have your nose etc than about what is genuinely best for her. I think you are rationalising and telling yourself you are thinking about her when you really can't right now. You need to seek urgent professional help before you destroy both your lives. Giving her back won't solve your current issues.

I agree that you sound more focused on your own issues than this baby. She deserves better than that, I just can't sugarcoat that.

"Sorry, I didn't phrase it very well ! What I meant was that in foster homes and childrens' homes you are never going to get the love and security of a real home with parents, even if they are non-biological. You are in a far better position than me but I would imagine that being with in your own family must be better than in a childrens home where you are looked after by staff ?"

No, I was absolutely better off in the children's home. The staff cared for and about me, they remembered me for years after I left and I am talking nearly 30 years after. I felt cared for and wanted. My parents did not want me. My foster carers, of which there were numerous, did not really want me and I never felt cared for or wanted.

Obviously this is just about me but it is still relevant.

Thank you sterryerryoh - I think you?ve hit the nail on the head. I don?t know any other adopters who have adopted a small baby - and everyone I talk to talks about the pregnancy and the birth and everything - all it does is hammer home that I had nothing to do with that part of her life.

I don?t know anyone who has been in my situation, but reading what you have said makes lots of sense to me

I think you are feeling overwhelmed about the responsibility of being a parent, especially being a parent with extras ie birth parents.

I think you are expecting too much of yourself too quickly.

I wonder if you are subconsciously keeping a barrier up so you don't get hurt if the adoption doesn't work out either through your choice or 15 years down the line when she rebels (potentially).

I understand op should stop ttc in her situation, but i just wondered in general do adoption agencies frown on people ttc if there are no fertility issues whilst they are going through the adoption proccess, what about fostering, is this the same?

Wow, you did get high traffic. I have 3 friends who have adopted plus have their own kids. I know they say it is harder to love the adopted kids, it is less 'natural', but they still love them and are committed to them.

I think it depends how you see love really. Sometimes/ often it is not about a mushy feeling, but about a commitment to someone for eg. all those times you are not 'in love' with dh but you still love him.

I think it's natural to think it's different from biological kids, and I am a bit surprised you didn't expect that going into it. But it's still very well worth it, for you, for the child, for your future family if you have other kids. It will enrich your life hugely if you want it to. I still want to adopt and I am not expecting it to be smooth at all.

However, if you are not feeling positive then I don't think it's fair on the baby. You have to be 100% committed to parenting her, for her sake. And yes, that may mean different 'feelings' but I don't think that's important, the commitment should be the same.

Meant to say I agonised about if I could love her as much as my bc and was terrified of letting her down. Also I have direct contact with her bm but it isn't an issue for me or dd. I am her mum.
Don't make the birth parents an issue she's your dd.

"She is a beautiful child who does bring a lot of joy to our lives. She has made me laugh over and over today in the swimming pool, and someone told me that she has ?my nose? - she doesn?t, but I wish she did. I wish she was mine."

Actually I am incensed by this paragraph.

It is not her job to bring joy into your life but be returned if you can't be bothered to iron out some psychological quibbles about motherhood. She is not there to make you laugh or to repesent you. She is a unique human being who had the misfortune to be born to people who let her down. Are you going to repeat this pattern simply because you wish you had a biological child and because you can?