I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

Kew....a really moving post.

that's it maryz
it's all very well saying "it might be depression" or "it might take more time"

it might not be. this might be it. and a decision needs to be made now

Sorry for a crude analogy, but the situation (whilst sad and not necessarily your "fault") reminds me a bit of a man who plays house with a woman during the best most fertile years of her life because he feels he should want to, but ultimately wont commit to her or marry her/have children with her because its not fundamentally right for him. She hangs in there but ultimately gets rejected by the man who took her best years, leaving her in a more vulnerable position due to the passing of time.

You took a 6 month old baby who is now 14 months (I get that now, got those details slightly confused in my previous posts) - in terms of re-adoption, I have heard this can make quite a difference to the child's prospects. That of "no longer being a baby". Its like you took her when she was at her most "ripe" for the adoptive process and that has now passed her by.

Nobody does this with bad intentions though. You didn't foresee this happening. But you need to consider what you have "taken" from her in your decision, not just what you have already given her.

Dear OP

I noticed in one of your posts you wrote that you were looking at photographs of the birth parents and doing a lot of work on how to deal with telling your DD she was adopted. I can't help wondering if this is exacerbating your feelings of her being somehow 'lesser' than a biological child? How long have you been feeling like this? Since the beginning? Since you started TTC?

I agree with pretty much everyone else. You must stop TTC immediately. Focus on your daughter because she is your daughter. Get therapy. Maryz is surely right about the dreadful damage to a child whom you consider as being 'second best', but equally, rejecting her now - because you will be rejecting her and damaging her - if it's only because your expectations of of motherhood and yourself are too high and unrealistic will be terrible. Only you can find out if that's the case or if she really would be better with another family, and that will be hard. I think that the fact you are so concerned with what will be best for her and feel for her as if she were your niece are positive signs, but I'm no expert so maybe I'm wrong.

I think you might also ask yourself why you are posting on messageboards and whether you are seeking justification and support for one course of action - if so which? - or punishment - if so why?

I feel very sad for you and your DD and I hope that you can work through this. My best wishes to you all.

Tattydevine - your analogy is spot-on, but I know quite a few couples who are hoping to adopt, who would be very happy with a child of 14 months. I have seriously considered adoption, and would love a child of that age. So whilst this a very sad situation, and it's true that lots of adopting couples want babies, I don't think a 14-month-old would have to wait long to be found a loving home.

Please don't think I'm making light of this situation, but if it's not working out, it's better to do someting about it now, and not wait until the child is much older.

I thought it was quite hard to get a baby to adopt these days, too?

Having thought some more, I think TattyDevine hits the nail on the head, I'm afraid. You took on your dd at an optimal time. You "return" her now in the middle of a crucial time in her neurodevelopment and risk untold damage. Yet you keep her without loving her and seeing her as second best and then what? I feel very distressed for this child.

This seems more distasteful the longer I read. You don't have or adopt a child to fulfil your own psychological needs. It involves risk and sacrifice and hardship, regardless of biological relationship. I don't know how you could look at a 14 month old and because it doesn't "feel" the way you thought it would, be willing to absolutely shatter all sense of security she has (and would ever have if attachment theory is to be believed) by casually announcing that the adoption has failed. The fact that you would even contemplate this rationally worries me. Nobody else has that get out clause. You are keeping your distance and twisting what has been said to you into a rationalisation of your desire to end "the trial". If you have that little regard for her as another human being that you would sacrifice her entire future emotional wellbeing because "it doesn't feel quite right", then I hope you return her ASAP so that she has some chance of being matched with someone who will love her while still in this crucial period of development.

I think a lot of your feelings are normal, but seriously contemplating a "return" on the other hand, is weird to me. How could you do it?

Yes, I suppose the older the child is the more difficult/complicated it is to find another placement...

I don't have much to add - but amazing post from Kewcumber.

I don't want to judge the OP, because I haven't walked in her shoes. My question is this: supposing she 'handed back' the child tomorrow, and a loving new home were found very quickly. Would this really have a hugely detrimental affect on her future development? Or is she too young to grasp it all?

Kewcumber - LOVE your post! Sums up perfectly the relationship between a mother and adopted child for me.

I find it disgustingly offensive that so many people on here have said they believe it is impossible to love an adopted child in the same way as a birth child. Shame on you all for being so god damn judgy about a situation many of you have never experienced!

Petal - It's not so much now but in years to come when she has a better understanding of her history and how her life evolved in those early years. Imagine knowing that initially you were taken into care for whatever reason and then adopted and the relationship broke down? Although SS will word it all softly, they don't pull any punches and are very factual and this little girl will know exactly why she ended up back in care. That will be an extremely tough thing to deal with.

WannabeNigella It says more about them than any child although I find it distasteful personally (I am trying to be kind and curb my words) how can you look after a child for months and not care a little about the damage your selfish desires will have on them? I really don't understand.

I too wonder what he process was to adopt and the deceit if the OP in talking about adoption. Do people really adopt and in he first few months ttc? Bit shitty isn't it, given that OP doesn't love her dss either...

petal, i think it would have a huge impact
she knows the OP as her mother, and that mother is going away. all the security she has will disappear

i am not saying this to be controversial, but just thinking of a similar situation
imagine you died when your baby was 14 months old.
do you think your child would be affected?

it's the same thing. the total disappearance of your main caregiver from your life.

and while she will hopefully get another much more loving family that won't negate the attachment issues arising from it

as I posted before tho, i do think that it would potentially be even more damaging to live forever with a caregiver that doesn't love you

My BIL is adopted and although he has never had any interest in meeting Birth Family, (He has an amazing relationship with adoptive mum and dad), he has openly admitted he struggles with the rejection aspect of being adopted, as in rejected by birth family, even though he doesn't know circumstances.

You're right, in that you shouldn't feel like you are to blame if you were also the victim (correct word?) of a failed adoption. However, I know for my BIL that this would be an incredible challenge for him to deal with personally.

You say you dont feel a rush of love. But do you feel a rush of hatred, wanting something so bad for her, as returning her FROM her parents (because that is what you are) and into care?

(Haven't read it all)

It sounds to me as if you are focussing on your uncertainties only because you feel that you have a choice until such point as the adoption is finalised. So you are focussing on the perceived choice. If there were no choice, you would focus on your relationship with your daughter and that would have its ups and downs like any other parental relationships. It's not all rosy being a bio mother, you know! I think you have a touch of "grass is always greener" syndrome which is stopping you getting on with things. Love is a verb, not a noun. It is what you do, rather than how you feel. DO IT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!

Nolove

First time poster here. Couldn't resist replying to the thread.

Firstly, if you go ahead with conceiving a child with a donor sperm, will you wonder whether your OH will be able to love your child that isn't biologically his?

Secondly, a few other posters have talked about whether there will be emotional implications for your adopted daughter if you decide to 'return her'. Well, my mother died when I was 2yrs and I firmly beleive that this shaped my whole personality. My father went on to remarry so I grew up with step mother, but this didn't overcome my (unreasonable) feelings of abandonment. Also, I constantly compare my relationship with my stepmother with how I imagine things would have been with my natural mum - I put my first mum on a pedestal which created a huge divide in me forming an emotional attachment to my stepmother. Not healthy for either of us.

I have since gone on to have a daughter of my own. I went through a lot of emotional pain while I was pregnant, thinking about how I would bond with my little girl and how could I love her if a mother can so easily be replaced (as in my own case). All very warped thinking, but a direct result of losing my mother figure at such a young and critical age.

I didn't bond with my daughter. I have never told anyone that. I am ashamed. There was no rush of love, and I feel cheated that I didn't get that priviledge. But I love, love, love her now. I couldn't be without her and I couldn't bear thinking about her without me in her life.

I'm going pretty off track here, and I apologise. but I wanted to give my perspective both as an abandoned child (in my 2yr old mind) as a bio mother who didn't bond with DD. The love came without me realising it.

I hope you get as much time and opportunity as possible to reach any decision.

Can't pass up the opportunity for another crude analogy - do you think its like wedding jitters? Because the adoption hasn't been finalised...and its getting to crunch time - is this like wedding jitters, where you think, "maybe I'm doing the wrong thing...do I really love him...or will I love him in 5/10/15 years time..." or whatever goes through your head during wedding jitters?

I had wedding jitters. Quite bad ones that left me with a sense of forboding, a nervous, butterflies feeling in my tummy all the time, and was constantly close to tears. My fiance had flown out to Australia to "bring me back" to the UK and meet my parents at the same time. I was days away from getting on that plane with him and having serious doubts.

But I couldn't put my finger on what. I still can't. It wasn't that I didn't love him, or that I didn't want to leave my family or mother country, to this day I dont know what I was freaking out about. But I got on that plane with him and by the time I got to Kuala Lumpar I felt almost normal. Within days of arriving back in the UK it was like I'd lever left (after 4 months apart). We married 6 months later. That was 10 years ago. We have 2 children together now and its the most fantastic relationship, its weird to think I was every apprehensive about marrying.

But I was, and I think it was more to do with me than with who I was marrying.

Do you think this is more to do with you than the actual child you are adopting?

To expand slightly on that analogy, if someone is having wedding jitters simply because they think they can "do better" then they probably shouldn't get married.

I'm sure the TTC element is really confusing things here and making it hard for you to find out how you really feel.

My question is this: supposing she 'handed back' the child tomorrow, and a loving new home were found very quickly. Would this really have a hugely detrimental affect on her future development? Or is she too young to grasp it all?

I think a child of MUCH younger would have a clear idea of who his or her mother is and be inconsolable if she suddenly disappeared. At this age, I think it will be utterly devastating. When my DD was 20 months old, she suddenly said something that made me realise that she remembered breastfeeding which stopped at 14 months. They do remember things at this age, and not all kind people are equal in their eyes.

So many posts. Thank you so much for all of the time and energy you have put into replying to me.

Just a couple of things (can?t pick up on everything - head is swimming)

Yes, we dealt with all of this throughout the adoption process - the reality is very different to what I thought I would feel.

We haven?t adopted her yet - she has been placed with us. We have reviews every 6 weeks, to determine whether the adoption is working. This is standard procedure. We won?t apply for the adoption order unless everyone is happy.

I am her Mother - but I don?t feel like it. I am terrified that I never will, and that I will never be good enough for her. I have to be everything that her birth family couldn?t be - if I am not, then she will be the one who suffers.

There are countless families waiting to adopt babies - if (IF) she were to go back into the system, I am assured that another family would be found for her quickly.

I said that I was trying hard to get pregnant - it sounds stupid really. DH can?t have any children, so I am fooling myself - I suppose just hoping that a miracle would occur - I would actively have to seek IVF, and haven?t even begun to look into that, so no decisions have been made. Basically we are using no protection, but the chances of me becoming pregnant that way are close to zero - so although I have said I want to conceive - I know really that it?s not going to happen. My SW knows all of this.

I understand how some of you can?t believe I could be so callous as to consider ?returning her? - me either. I am a good person, but I am scared that I have made an awful mistake, and that she will suffer forever as a result of this. If she goes back into care, it will likely haunt me for eternity. But it?s about a) being good enough for her and b) being good enough for me. If I am good enough for neither of us, what?s the point?

Lastly - I have taken on everything that has been said to me on this board - and I am looking at my daughter right now with an altered perspective. She is a beautiful child who does bring a lot of joy to our lives. She has made me laugh over and over today in the swimming pool, and someone told me that she has ?my nose? - she doesn?t, but I wish she did. I wish she was mine.

Any decision that we make will be deeply considered and soul-searched. I am not a bad person and this heartbreak is the worst feeling I have ever had. It has done me a lot of good to read the replies on this board - all of them. Thank you