Just another day of being a skivvy

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Had a heated argument with DH. This has become pretty common of late.

I said " You dont ever ask me or take an interest in what DD or I have been doing all day."

To which he replied:

"You dont DO anything all day."

It stopped me dead im my tracks.
I'm a stay at home mum, with a DD of 19 months. I cook all the meals, I do all the cleaning (he is a clean freak so I have high standards to keep to), I do all his laundry, I do all the ironing, and I do all the childcare. Morning, day, evening, bedtime, bathtime, night time waking, doctors, playgroups etc etc. I even make him his cups of tea - he never ventures into the kitchen.

I do all this because I see it as a job; he works outside, I work at home.

But the fact that he has this attitude towards my role is what kills me.

I got so angry Ive told him Im going away to my mums for a week and Im leaving DD in his full time care.

Am I being unreasonable?

What a c**t! And I hate that word so I only use it in exceptional circumstances. I am gobsmacked. If my dp said something like that to me and meant it, I honestly don't think I could stay with him! Probably a bit extreme, but definitely go through with your threat and hopefully that will at least make him think.

I dont believe he sabotaged my interview or anything like that.
He is supportive(?) of me when I have interviews etc (with DD,like this morning, but he took her to his mums before work, dressed in pajamas and crocs with a jumper a coat and a hat. MIL said DD had a tantrum with DH in the morning, and absolutely refused to wear boots, and wanted to wear blue crocs she brought home from SIL's house. And she did. She hadnt been nappy changed or fed breakfast either. MIL had to do it while DH rushed off to work, she said.)

Anyway. In terms of him being insecure about me being independent, I know he isnt. More the opposite actually. Thats why he thinks I d"do" nothing.

BranchingOut has offered some invaluable advice. I only want to add one thing:

Learn to phrase housework questions well, if you aren't doing it already.

Example:

"Can you hang out the washing for me when you're out the shower?"

Wrong:

1. he's not doing it "for you. he's doing it for the family.
2. don't give him a time estimate, it allows him to forget it (intentionally, i'm the first to admit something has slipped my mind!)
3. don't allow a yes/no answer.

Better example:
"What would you prefer - hanging out the washing or doing the dishes?"

I'm very lucky because my H was the primary carer for a while when I went back to work, so no major battles BUT my sister swears by the above technique.

Yes, I agree with branchingouts advice being spot on.
The irony of it is that I DONT MIND doing it all myself (while ive not got a job) - I just want him to appreciate it and not have this attitude.
Thats all.

And to not say "I am completely self sufficient" - which boils my blood. He doesnt even know how to switch the washing machine on.

I love the way all these men point out "other women work and manage a house so why can't you?". By the same logic, why can't he then work and also help you manage the house? If you go back to work for 40 hours a week will he all of a sudden match your contributions to running the household, looking after the DCs? Doubt it.

Why do man feel that just because they work full time they should then be able to stroll in from work, put their feet up and do fuck all? I have always worked full-time (and still do at 31 weeks pregnant) but have never then by default had a slave to wait on me hand and foot 24/7, I have always at least had to look after my own basic needs!

My dp work full-time but starts very early and finishes early. By the time I get back from work he has done any housework that needs doing. The I come home and cook him his dinner! So even though he works the same hours as me, he probably does more than me tbh. He never tells me that I do nothing. He loves me and as I am 31 weeks pregnant he wants to look after me as much as he can as he knows when I have the baby and give up work things will get much tougher. I am starting to realise how lucky I am after reading your story. x

wonder if he's home from work yet?

Leave him.

(That's my standard posting these days on threads when there's an idiot of a man around.)

Really, who are the women that are bringing up these awful men?

And who are these women who are letting their men get away with this sort of behaviour?

And who are these men?

LOL @ Nonno

Yanbu. Why are you still with him?

Any news, SpareRoomSleeper?

Hope you are OK.

bump

Hello All!

I am back from a lovely week at my parents home. I had my hair done, went shopping and had a good catch up with sisters and mum. DH came to "visit" mid-week (bearing edible gifts for my parents ) to see if he could tempt me home, but I didnt feel like it had been long enough..So I stayed and made him come back to pick me up after another three days.
I came back to a clean, fresh smelling home and a well scrubbed kitchen. He had gone out and bought plug-ins and scented candles/incense burner things..

After coming home, we've discussed and talked alot and he now understands how I feel and exactly what I do in terms of contributing to family life etc.
We've pinpointed ways in which DH can help around the home and so far, he has kept to it!

I didn't get the job...they told me that they were looking for someone with direct experience in that field - which I didnt have - so was a little dissapointed but my job search goes on regardless.

he says you do nothing all day...

Well do what he says then for a week and he will appreciate exactly what you do when he has no clean, irone clothes to wear. No dinner on the table.

GO on try it and see what he has to say then...

SRS very well done. :o It's goes to show what can be acheived

You have my admiration

Well done, now don't let things slip back

So pleased OP! Presumably he figured out what you did whilst getting the house ready for your return.

Make sure he doesn't slack off after a few days though.

Well done SRS. Long may it last and hope it's the turning point for you. How lovely to post back and let us know what happened.

Good luck to you and yours and let's hope it's a family unit that has had a wake up call and endures. It's tough in the early days but sometimes it's a matter or working it out to realy really get to know each other - faults and all.

Thanks all for your responses then and now - it was a really big help and gave me that little extra boost to sort it out!

Now, as we've all said before (and I'm excused - menopausal flushing) srs - shhh and go to sleep - it's a long day tomorrow with a little one

Ive been bullied into sleeping early on this thread