Just another day of being a skivvy

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Had a heated argument with DH. This has become pretty common of late.

I said " You dont ever ask me or take an interest in what DD or I have been doing all day."

To which he replied:

"You dont DO anything all day."

It stopped me dead im my tracks.
I'm a stay at home mum, with a DD of 19 months. I cook all the meals, I do all the cleaning (he is a clean freak so I have high standards to keep to), I do all his laundry, I do all the ironing, and I do all the childcare. Morning, day, evening, bedtime, bathtime, night time waking, doctors, playgroups etc etc. I even make him his cups of tea - he never ventures into the kitchen.

I do all this because I see it as a job; he works outside, I work at home.

But the fact that he has this attitude towards my role is what kills me.

I got so angry Ive told him Im going away to my mums for a week and Im leaving DD in his full time care.

Am I being unreasonable?

See, it's a tough one, because I wouldn't want to be separated from my DDs for longer than a day or two either. But in order for him to get the full effect of What You Do, you really need to leave her with him.

Hopefully you'll get the job. Provided that's what YOU really want, not what he feels you should be doing.....

SRS - also don't forget that WAHMs have to either pay someone to do the childcare if they work or a relative has to do it.

Their DCs are not just left in cupboards until they return from their paid employment.

you're 2 years into your marriage. We were childless at that point but I can remember mine making up all manner of excuses for not washing up (when I'd shopped and cooked!) We were both working full time too! I often ended up doing it the next day after work so that I could cook that evening's meal.

Many years and 2 DC later he squirms when I remind him of this time and looks very sheepish indeed!

So on a brighter note your DH may just need a bit more time to sever those delightful apron strings.

I keep my DCs in the fridge while I'm at work. They stay fresher that way.

Yes this is what holds me back.Couldnt bare to be apart from my dcs for any length of time. I have a v good friend who I offload too and I know could go and stay with her but honestly dont know if it would achieve anything(think the situation going on too long now).
Alot of it is my own fault as let other people(ie my own mum) convince me that being a sahm wasnt a real job and was just me being a lazy cow!

LOL Annie...I'll leave a post-it for DH to do that if I decide to leave DD.

IMO and I am pretty traditional and did all the home stuff when when I was SAHM. But DH never threw working in my face, did moan about the tidiness but happily paid a cleaner 3 hours a week, and he made tea for me.

What your DH is doing amount to emotional abuse.

In the short term, you need to focus on tomorrow's interview and not get too disheartened if you don't get it (if you're wound up about this though, you might actually perform better at the interview because you may be less intense about it); another opportunity will come along. But a job will give you some independence and the choice to turn around and say "no I do x you need to do y". A shame I know but if you're going to stay with this man you need some control.

I think YABU to leave your daughter with him for a week while you go away; you are likely to miss her and come back early or he will find a problem to make you come back early. I think you need both to go away and leave him a letter of everything you do and how much time it takes. During that week you need to have a jolly good think about what's best for you both.

When you get back you need to put your foot down and get the record set straight about what you do and how you are treated. If it continues - you don't go anywhere but you do change the locks. And if the worst comes to the worst he will never be able to claim that you are a bad mother, to you or via lawyers, that you abandoned your daughter. Am a bit worried that if he is as passive aggressive as he seems, he could be setting you up here.

Good luck.

pink ...lets not take this bullshit lying down anymore. Lets kick arse together!

SpareRoom get to bed you have an interview tommorow :) let us know how it turns out (nosy git emoticon)

YAY! That's the attitude!!! If you find yourself wavering, come back over here and we'll all give you another boost.

once....Yes, I do believe he will hold it against me if I do leave her , and throw it in my face every time we argue, or use it to prove that I am a bad mother.

Which I am definitely not.

I might not be the best, but I am a good mother.

Then get yourself to bed; get yourself a job; and start the rest of your life after the interview.

Good Luck.

reading this back makes me sound like a toaL doormat and I am so NOT(my friends would not recognise this person as they think of me as v confident!),
Thing is, basically my dh and I have many many ishoos and they are ALL unspoken so am now afraid to bring them up as feel my marriage would not survive it. But am definately going to bring up some of the points made on here.
Good luck with the interview. x

newwave - Im just plotting and scheming. I text my brother and asked him if hed pick us up tomorrow evening (my parents live in another city, I dont drive and I cant get the train with all of DD's and mine belongings needed for a week or two) - and he said he'd come to pick us up no problem, at around 7.

Im going to leave the house in a bombsite state.

And guess what people.

I dont even feel nervous about this interview/presentation anymore.

Im going to farking ace it.

SpareRoom, bully for you, so many talk the talk but dont walk the walk, if this does not wake him up then God knows what would.

Things will change if you do have no doubt.

newwave - Ive realised that I have. had. enough.

Right here. Sat on this dining chair at the laptop, while DH sniggered at everything I said to him in the conversation that followed the row, and the way he was completely immune to the fact that I was crying.

It really is now or never.

Last time I am telling you, "GO TO BED" :0 you will be getting a new job soon and a new outlook on life tommorow.

I think he knows full well that you do lots of things. What he actually means is you don't do anything that's of any interest to him. Which is probably even more hurtful. No wonder so many mums of young kids want to work outside the home with attitudes such as these from their other halves - so that they can feel they are doing something that's actually recognised and rewarded as work. The anonymity of life as a SAHM can be very crushing.

But but, Im writing a letter!

Awesome!
Let us know how you get on!
Now go to bed!

Hedge, you tell her she wont listen to me :o

Dear DH,

You are a fucking wanker.

I am 26, gorgeous, a slim size 10, and have a degree. You on the other hand, are a piece of shit.

has she gone to bed yet?

That seems to just about cover it :o