Just another day of being a skivvy

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Had a heated argument with DH. This has become pretty common of late.

I said " You dont ever ask me or take an interest in what DD or I have been doing all day."

To which he replied:

"You dont DO anything all day."

It stopped me dead im my tracks.
I'm a stay at home mum, with a DD of 19 months. I cook all the meals, I do all the cleaning (he is a clean freak so I have high standards to keep to), I do all his laundry, I do all the ironing, and I do all the childcare. Morning, day, evening, bedtime, bathtime, night time waking, doctors, playgroups etc etc. I even make him his cups of tea - he never ventures into the kitchen.

I do all this because I see it as a job; he works outside, I work at home.

But the fact that he has this attitude towards my role is what kills me.

I got so angry Ive told him Im going away to my mums for a week and Im leaving DD in his full time care.

Am I being unreasonable?

Spareroom, probably will be unreasonable if he has work lined up and will let customers down, best to say in (future date in say 6 weeks time) I will be going away on my own for (length of time).

Explain why your doing it but DONT back down. I would also draw up an agrred contract stating what each of you will do outside of the 40 hours that you will both be doing.

no I'm reading something else here - that he's sabotaging you the night before an important interview and he is attacking you for the thing you are trying to achieve!

Stop doing anything for him.

So on your behalf.

doo,correct a southerner,we clash loads because i do make my stands but he relents for a while then back to normal,ive ocd which dosent help hes just a untidy pig lol

we dont live together and he works away now 5days a week for the last 7 wks,i love mon-friday now,i have three boys and their less work than him

good luck and go away for a few days,and good luck with presentation

Brass - that occurred to me too..
I think a couple of days away might be good for you too.

YANBU

Go away for a week and leave him to it. In fact in future when you clean do it to your standard and if he complains tell him to do it himself. Make him do his own ironing in future, you're not his mother.

He needs a kick up the arse.

Good luck with your interview :)

brass

"Stop doing anything for him" not quite right as he is working 40 hours and bringing home the money so in effect he is at least forfilling (sp) part of his resposibilities.

The OP needs to stop working to his standards and more hours than he does.

"If it isnt clean enough then do it yourself" would be my stance

I dont have any concerns about her being with him. She does "spend time" with him in the evenings, when shes been washed, changed, and fed by me, so he knows her attachment to blankie, way she sleeps etc. Although he wouldnt have aclue on how to make porridge, I have no doubt he'd keep her fed.

The only thing is, Im having doubts whether to go or not because he might just end up leaving her to his mother, who lives just around the corner.

Which would defeat the purpose entirely, and would mean MIL would have a huge thing over me once I got back, for "looking after my child when I just took off".

Yes but newwave , I dont say he doesnt DO anything , after he has worked his 40 hours. But he does to me.

I quite like the idea of doing nothing.

it might have to be plan B.

spareroomsleeper, i may be way off, but it seems like your husband is emotinally abusing you

Auntie - it sure feels like it.

I think Ive been abit blurry in my OP. We didnt have the argument because I was wanting him to be more interested in my life at home ; that was just something I said in the argument. I cant even remember the point I was trying to make by saying it. But the thing that stabbed me in my heart was being so harshly told that I dont DO anything.

SpareRoom keep a log of the hours you work and what you do. As for your MIL you can see where he gets it from, I bet he didnt do a thing when he was at home.

She would only have a "huge thing" over you if you allow it to be, my answer to a comment like "looking after my child when I just took off". would be "oh coudnt your lazy bastard son be bothered with his DD then" or more succint "fuck off"

Most people only take the piss because others allow them to.

Agree do what you can and don't worry about him.

Hope interview goes very well. Sod him and ace it!!

I am so angry and upset. I should be preparing my interview clothes, going over my notes etc for tomorrow. Instead im sat here hungry having not eaten because I was too upset after the fight, just feeling miserable and low about myself.

I need to get a grip.

Get a snack, compose yourself and try to get a decent sleep.

newwave if someone spoke to me like that they would get nothing from me. Full Stop.
But that's just me

OP is already looking after the home and their child. She doesn't have to do anything for him whether he works 40 hours or not.

Yes you do need to get a grip, no one has power over you unless you let them have it (with certain exceptions, the Police etc)

Trite but true

Good luck and damn the torpedoes (wtf does it mean) :o

newwave - you just made me smile through my tears.

brass, i like you attitude :o

He sounds worried you might actually get the job.

So is undermining your confidence.

Shitty thing to do.

Hope you ace it.

Good grief.

When I was a SAHM, the house was always a disaster. Domesticity isn't my strong point. I'd apologise to my DH on the worst days, he'd tell me to stop being so silly as looking after the DDs was my job. If I managed anything else it was a bonus. And he always helped me get any jobs finished when he got home, until we both got to sit down together. And he always expressed his amazement and appreciation at how I coped with being a SAHM, because he admitted that he wouldn't be able to do it.

If DH had ever said to me that I did nothing, or made me feel even remotely unappreciated for keeping his children cared for an enabling him to work without having to pay childcare for his children, I would have set the record straight very clearly and very loudly.

Leave him for a week. Speak to his mother first about why (she may be more sympathetic than you think) and ask her not to help him unless it all goes totally pear-shaped.

I cannot believe that a) arrogant wankers like this still exist and that b) women put up with their shit and actually have ask if they're being unreasonable to complain about being utterly unappreciated. Makes me very

YANBU. I am thinking of starting my own business/ going back to work FT. DH has the option to retire in 3 years and get a good pension. He had intended getting another job, but hinted that he could stay at home and look after the kids (who will all be at school!) while I work. We had achat about it, and I detailed all the things he could do (ie that I do!) while I was working, and I was starting to think it might actually be quite good to have a Man Friday to do all the housework/ schoolruns/ washing/ ironing etc. When I started talking about what he would have to do if we reversed roles, he went pale and said he'd rather get another FT job!!!

I think sometimes these guys don't appreciate how much you actually do do at home "all day" (I am often still hanging up washing/ emptying dishwasher/ making packed lunches when he is thinking of going to bed!) and it needs to be spelled out to them. Offer to swap and watch him panic

OP really really really wish you well for tomorrow. You have the support of your MN sisters.

Getting your clothes ready will make you feel better towards being prepared for your interview.

banana nutella toast for a snack idea? Actualy I want one but have run out of bananas

Sounds exactly like my dh.does not agree with me being a sahm at all(constantly flings it in my face that other women work AND look after their kids). Also gives me NO money(I get the cb paid into my account) as he is KEEPING me(ie paying mortgage,bills etc). Makes me feel like a piece of shit basically so I totally sympathise with you.

just don't do it.
I'm serious.
YOu need about three days of simply just not doing what you normally do.
Just take yourself out to dinner tomorrow night with your child, don't do ANYTHING around the house.
CHild pulls all the socks out of the drawer? Leave it there. Toilet roll clogging up the toilet? Just walk away.
MOst important part: don't be IN when he gets home. Seriously, When I realised that being a SAHM didn't necessarily mean I had to interrupt my own schedule be there when he got back, I began to feel much more relaxed.