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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just another day of being a skivvy

171 replies

SpareRoomSleeper · 14/11/2010 22:04

Had a heated argument with DH. This has become pretty common of late.

I said " You dont ever ask me or take an interest in what DD or I have been doing all day."

To which he replied:

"You dont DO anything all day."

It stopped me dead im my tracks.
I'm a stay at home mum, with a DD of 19 months. I cook all the meals, I do all the cleaning (he is a clean freak so I have high standards to keep to), I do all his laundry, I do all the ironing, and I do all the childcare. Morning, day, evening, bedtime, bathtime, night time waking, doctors, playgroups etc etc. I even make him his cups of tea - he never ventures into the kitchen.

I do all this because I see it as a job; he works outside, I work at home.

But the fact that he has this attitude towards my role is what kills me.

I got so angry Ive told him Im going away to my mums for a week and Im leaving DD in his full time care.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpareRoomSleeper · 15/11/2010 00:24

...okay okay. Im going then. No need to sulk. You know who you are Hmm

Night night.

Will post in the morning.

OP posts:
earwicga · 15/11/2010 00:52

Good luck for tomorrow.

Perhaps print out this OP to go with your letter www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1083737-Stumbled-upon-this-and-thought-it-was-fab

Tabliope · 15/11/2010 08:48

I left my ex because of this attitude. Best thing I did. Hope you got the job.

LittleMissHissyFit · 15/11/2010 09:45

You need to sit and think about what he says and prepare a lecture back.

Coldly and calmly tell him that actually your hours are 24 hours 7 days a week on call, and his hours are a lot better than yours.

He does probably think that you do nothing, because he has no idea how to do any of what you do.

New rules!

Write a list of the stuff that needs doing and ask him which of the tasks he is going to do. Tell him you are insisting on this due to his truly disgusting comment accusing you of not doing anything.

Stop doing his stuff.

Good luck at the interview!

FindingMyMojo · 15/11/2010 10:14

"Other women can manage running a household, having a child and having a job. Why cant you?"

Possibly because your OH is a total tosser!!! I work FT, run & household and have a child but I can only do it because I do it together WITH DP who is bloody marvellous around the home, and is an involved hands on parent. I'm not saying he is perfect - he has his moments, but he is bloody marvellous at being involved in all areas of our family's life.

Best of luck with the interview today!!!!

umf · 15/11/2010 10:29

"Other women can manage running a household, having a child and having a job. Why cant you?"

Not "other women" - "other families". It takes both parents to do that.

stropicana · 15/11/2010 10:35

Your DH has it too easy. He has high standard, well let him keep to those. Blood cheek.

stropicana · 15/11/2010 10:36

Bloody. Grin

frgr · 15/11/2010 11:00

Other women can manage running a household, having a child and having a job. Why cant you?

Other women have husbands who genuinely realise that it's their responsibility to so 50% of the childcare, 50% of the housework, etc if they work equivalent hours. And I mean for real - no wife having to nag them and manage the household. It's supposed to be a partnership, a TEAM.

Your husband seems to want more than a 1950s housewife (not getting his own tea?wtf) but resents the fact that you aren't in paid employment. talk about unrealistic demands!

fwiw, my husband and i both work the same hours. we juggle chores between us, and he's perfectly capable of being the primary carer for a week if i'm away with work. if your husband really thinks you don't do anything, leave him for a week with the kids and let's see how he copes.

FFS, being a dad is being involved in your kids upbringing, far too many women on MN seem to have husbands that think a wife is an unpaid skivvy Hmm

Original poster
SpareRoomSleeper · 15/11/2010 12:08

I just got in from the interview. I have to rush because brother has changed plans and can come earlier to pick me up. I went into default when I got in; picked up all the cups and began washing up and tidying...and then forced myself to pull away. I'll just close the kitchen door I guess.

Argh. hate leaving my home in such a state - its truly upsetting, but I have to do this. I'll be told later on about the income of the interview, so I'll keep everyone updated.

DD whinging now so better go. thanks all.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 15/11/2010 12:14

Stay strong! In fact, use any spare minutes to make extra mess! Let DD play with playdough!

Keep us posted on the interview.... how do you feel it went?

Fibilou · 15/11/2010 12:18

Does your DH know you're going today ? Good luck and stay strong !

darleneconnor · 15/11/2010 12:37

There should be a special place in hell for men like this.

You are a single parent of 2 children.

Dont do ANYMORE housework, cooking, cleaning for this fuckwit.

If your DD grows up seeing this she might think it's normal or acceptable. Would you want her to be treated like a housework whore?

Justthisone · 15/11/2010 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mermaidspam · 15/11/2010 12:55

Hope your interview went well, and hope that you leaving fucks with his head!

SlightlyJaded · 15/11/2010 13:01

tie a pretty pink ribbon round the iron :)

Original poster
SpareRoomSleeper · 15/11/2010 13:15

Ive written the letter, and mentioned the state of the house too.

My eyes are full of tears but I am still in possession of that grip.

DD has gone to sleep, my letter is complete, the packing has been done.

And did I mention the house is in a complete mess?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpareRoomSleeper · 15/11/2010 13:16

oh, the interview. The presentation went very well. The questions not fantastic, but OK. So Im waiting for a response now.

OP posts:
nameymcnamechange · 15/11/2010 13:17

Am very interested in how this story pans out.

Original poster
SpareRoomSleeper · 15/11/2010 13:18

And yes, I texted him earlier that Im going.

He didnt reply.

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 15/11/2010 13:23

Are you sure you want to leave a letter written in anger SpareRoom? I am not saying you are wrong or that any of the points that you made were not valid, but sometimes you get more power out of saying less. You will sound more rational and detached which (in my experience) is more likely to make him stop and really think...

Just saying like, feel free to ignore Grin

And hope you get good job news later.

Original poster
SpareRoomSleeper · 15/11/2010 13:27

slightlyjaded - the letter is a sad letter. Im not angry, just very sad.

OP posts:
marantha · 15/11/2010 13:29

Best of luck, I have to say your husband is behaving like an arse.
Yes, it is true that he is supporting you financially but in return you are looking after the home and your child so both of you are contributing equally. He's not 'better' than you or vice versa.
It is not as if you are childless and refusing to do housework.
I also thought, 'sabotage' when I heard he had picked a fight with you- couldn't help it; it was the first thing that sprang to mind.

monkeyflippers · 15/11/2010 13:33

I agree with everyone else. You are doing too much which he is taking for granted. You need to make changes!

BranchingOut · 15/11/2010 13:47

I am rooting for you to get that job.

DO you think he tried to upset you the night before the interview because he knew that if you got the job then things would have to change and he would have to pull his weight more around the house?

General tips:

Separate laundry baskets: his, hers and DD's! He does his washing.

He takes his work shirts to a laundry - you have nothing to do with them.

While you are away, write down a list of what you do on a typical day. This is to refer to the next time he comes up with such a choice phrase.

Get a cleaner.

Write down the list of all the household tasks that need doing and how frequently they occur. He must commit to doing a proportion of the daily/ongoing tasks. It is no good him saying that he is excused all cooking and laundry just because he clears leaves out of the gutters once a year.

He may claim to be incapable of all this. However, I knew an elderly man (a lovely man but from a different generation) who had never made a cup of tea for himself at home. His wife became ill and after a couple of weeks of adjustment he was competently running the home,looking after his wife, cooking roast dinners and even making pastry! Oh, and this was at age 80+!