Just another day of being a skivvy

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Had a heated argument with DH. This has become pretty common of late.

I said " You dont ever ask me or take an interest in what DD or I have been doing all day."

To which he replied:

"You dont DO anything all day."

It stopped me dead im my tracks.
I'm a stay at home mum, with a DD of 19 months. I cook all the meals, I do all the cleaning (he is a clean freak so I have high standards to keep to), I do all his laundry, I do all the ironing, and I do all the childcare. Morning, day, evening, bedtime, bathtime, night time waking, doctors, playgroups etc etc. I even make him his cups of tea - he never ventures into the kitchen.

I do all this because I see it as a job; he works outside, I work at home.

But the fact that he has this attitude towards my role is what kills me.

I got so angry Ive told him Im going away to my mums for a week and Im leaving DD in his full time care.

Am I being unreasonable?

"I have food on the table and a roof over my head because of him."
Hmm, so did scullerymaids in the 19th century. Not sure you could describe them as "getting a lot" out of the employer/employee relationship - which is what yours seems to have become.

Is he going to give you an appraisal ?

Even if you can only leave him for 3 days mid week - do it and see how he copes.

where do they get this nonsense from that women work AND look after their kids.
If they're working (in an office) then surely somebody ELSE is looking after their kids at that point in time.
Very few jobs allow you to take a baby to the office.

SO it proves that he thinks looking after children just happens by magic

If you get the job (which you will) things will have to change, we both work and my home looks like Hurricane Katrina paid a visit on ocassion, we either clean up together or we go out/stay in and get rat arsed together. :o

Life is far to short to worry about dust.

I forgot to add. When I told him Id be going for a week and leaving DD, he said: go! Seriously, I cant wait for some quality time with DD without you there.

Stop being a skivvy.

Just don't do any housework from now on, until he comes back from work and you can do it together.

Just look after your DC, nothing else.

He doesn't value or respect the work you do for all of you in his home, so he doesn't value or respect you. Stop doing the work, he'll respect and value it and you more, if it is brought to his attention that he's not entitled to it.

Thank you everyone. I really needed some support and I got it.

Thanks realeyes - your post really touched my heart. x

Don't worry about what he says now - he hasn't got a fucking clue about quality time, has he.

He's banking on the fact that another woman (like his mother) is going to come in and do all the work for him. And that he can leave all the shit work, which you will do when you come back.

Don't do it.

Again sounds exactly like my dh! when I point out to him the cost of childcare would negate any income I could bring in he just says his mum would watch the kids(despite the fact she has NEVER offered,babysits twice a year if we are lucky and has also told couldnt cope with looking after kids!).

If he say you should go, then call his bluff and go. Go for a whole week, two weeks. If you're anywhere near Surrey you're welcome to come and stay with me!

If he has to use his mum for daytime childcare, fair enough. But he'll soon wake up to the fact that the rest of the time isn't quality time with DD at all.

And if he 'manages' by paying other people to cook and clean for him, you're only strengthening your case.

Kick ass at that interview tomorrow. You need to get out of that house and get your self-worth back.

If his mum does it for him though, he will not realise its value.

You must ask her to make sure she goes straight home as soon as he gets in and leaves him to it.

If Looking after children isn't a fulltime job, what do childminders do?
Ask your prick husband that and watch him stutter, fucking idiot.

Good luck for your interview x

annie - what a lovely person you are; thanks so much for offering! I would definitely go to my parents though, they have the space; they've even kept my bedroom as I left it. Although a little girly for my tastes now, it should do the trick I think.

hedgeblunder - good point.

herbeatitude - I cant ask her to not do anything for him. Its definitely not that kind of relationship between us. And anyway, she bends and scrapes to his will so willingly, its little wonder he is the way he is. Not forgetting the fact that Ive let him get away with it for 2 years of marriage as well.

I had friends, they were both grads. By the end of their marriage she was working in savacentre and even then he used to sabotage her so that she would end up being late or missing her shift.

Child friendly shifts which meant she could work around the children but which involved her needing to leave when he got in from work. He would just not show up and she would be frantic trying to reach him to see how late he was running etc so that she could inform her employer. Of course he never answered but at some point would stroll through the door as if nothing had happened.

disclaimer - there is nothing wrong with working at savacentre before anyone starts - just that she had studied as hard (and for as long) as him but had ended up doing a VERY low paid job in comparison to what she could have been doing.

Thankfully she grew wings and heaps of courage. Turned out he had ishoos.

Crikey. Show him this thread. He's not being fair.

Ah, see, now that's why I have always heeded my mum's wise words.... look at the relationship between a man and his mum, especially how he treats her. Because that's how he will treat you.

Some serious attitude adjustment needs to happen here. On his part, not yours. Well, on yours too. You need to stop putting up with this shit.

I would show my dh this thread but he would only call you all a bunch of lazy sahm who are proving his point(ie people who work dont have time to go online-despite the fact I know he is constantly on football websites while supposedly working!

Keep on smiling, dont mope around, when he comes in have music on and be smiling broadly, if he asks you what you are so happy about say "nothing really" it will screw up his mind. Laugh and joke with friends on the phone so that he can hear the laughter. Dont let him "win" by getting you down.

Take your DD out when he is at home dont tell him where you are going come home smiling and offer any explanation.

Go out with friends at a moments notice, dont tell him who you are going with or where you are going nor when you will return.

He will either start to appreciate you or you need to move on.

This life you have is not a rehersal, live it.

Fuck me I am being trite tonight

Well, you can tell him I'm a full-time WOHM, pink4ever. I made an appalling SAHM, but my DH was still appreciative of my efforts.

my dh decided that it might be nice if i went out to work(shortly after a solo visit to pils until i pointed out the reality of him having to take dcs to childminders etc as i would work longer hours than him all the extra house work he would have to do and the limited amount of extra cash in the budget as a lot of the extra would go on childcare. soon changed his mind.

occasionally remind him of the work I do. eg when dc has pooy clothes have shown them to him, close up and told him it is his turn to wash them out. watch him run.

funnily enough it wasn't him who had to stay up all night with ds being sick. bed at 6.45am nor him washing sick out of bedding either. they really don't have a clue.

suggesting that dh could take his share in these things usually has an effect, even if only tempoarily.

good luck for tomorrow

I am thinking of going for a couple of weeks, but taking DD with me. Then he can work full time, and come home, fix his dinner, washing, ironing, cleaning etc by himself.

But if I get this job, its an immediate start.

ffs " and DONT offer any explanation.