to think that my dcs should pay for their own cars, houses etc?

[overthemill]

this is really bugging me. I am from a fairly normal working class not at all well off probably poorish background. My parents loved me but had nothing so I never got anything from them once I left home. When I was at home doing summer jobs (as a student) my mum would ask for £10 a week (in the 70s) towards my 'keep'. I never got pocket money. If I wanted something I had to work for it (I got my first p/t job at 13 and worked all through school and college). My mum used to make up my grant (about £30 a term was what they had to pay) out of the money I gave her in the summer. My last year at college my dad refused to fill in the application forms so I didn't get a grant that year at all and I had to work 2 days a week to pay rent, eat etc. Incidentally I came out of college with a few hundred pounds in savings. Two days after my finals I got a job and have worked ever since.

I have no beef about this at all - I think it was 'normal' for my family and most of my peers, there were a few people I knew whose parents had more money but really very few.

I am now married to a lovely dh (not our first marriages) and we have 3 kids between us. I came along when his were 2 & 4 and ours was born about a year later.
First is due to go to Uni in 2011 ad it has suddenly become apparent to me that dh is expecting to fund in full her education - ie at least £10k a year for the 4 year degree, then do the same for the next one and then the next. I have always kind of known this but hadn't ever realised he was planning to wholly find it, not just 'top it up'.

And then, last weekend we had a real argument about the kids cars - dsd has juststarted driving lessons and will want a car. He blithely said, 'we'll have to buy her one' and still later 'we need to look into how we can help them all out with deposits when they want to buy a house'.

Now I am totally and utterly gobsmacked by this. He does come from a different background from me. Privately educated, Oxford Uni and he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal. I think it is totally and utterly abnormal.

You need to know that we do not have much money at all - he doesn't earn loads and I lost my job last year and have struggled to find alternatives, he will probably get made redundant next year - and his payout will not be huge. We are always overdrawn and live paycheck to paycheck despite our best endeavours.

AIBU - please tell me, what do you think - are you all planning to impoverish yourselves to give your dc's money?

We are not going to impoverish ourselves to do it!

I do indeed think that we both assumed that our viewpoint was so 'normal' that it was shared - i said somewhere that we have always talked, and we have, but it has dawned on me that we each had our own understanding of what 'helping out' meant.

I have had minor disagreements before - he doesn't earn a lot but loves his job. His siblings are wealthy - earning a great deal of money. He does sometimes try to keep up with them - it is completely impossible to do so - we can't even try to do so.

BTW, I don't think my own experience was healthy and character building but it is my experience and it really doesn't bother me that that is what I had to do. I always hoped that I would be in a better position (I have a degree, a master and a teaching qualification, the latter two funded by me while working)and would have more money than I have now so my kids would have a better life. They do have a better life, they have music lessons, etc get to go on school trips and don't have to miss out on stuff I wish I'd done. I do not begrudge them anything at all but I had never anticipated that I would be missing out myself into my 60s to pay for them seemingly unendingly.

Mine have done the things they want to do-school trips to different parts of the world, support in hobbies etc but I am not going to miss out in my 60s-it will be my time to travel have hobbies etc and I fully intend to do it!

I completely agree with Quint.

And no, monkeyfacegrace, it's not the norm for a 24-year-old to be given £45K to spend on a home.

What kind of an adult child accepts such monies from his parents when he knows it impoverishes them?

I cannot imagine accepting the fruits of my father's hard graft unless I know he has it to spare.

Even if he sold his house and then had to toil away because of it, I would never have taken that money as an adult unless I were starving or my child needed life-saving surgery or treatment and there were no other way to pay for it.

Where do people find that an acceptable thing for their parents to do, when they themselves are able-bodied and fit?

I can see if the parents have it to spare, but otherwise, I'd really have no respect for anyone who took money like this.

I really wouldn't.

well i agree pisces and expat - i will be 59 when my dd is 18, she wants to be a vet so that's 7 years and i will be 66 when she graduates (I know she may yet change her mind - my mum died at 65 so i was kind of hoping to get to enjoy myself a little before then. I ttc for years and had her very miraculously when 41 so she is everything to me, no regrets at all.

We could afford to but we would never buy dd a car or give her a deposit for a house. I am proud of the fact that my husand and I have never taken a penny from anyone and I think dd should be the same. I have told parents and grandparents that we want no inheritance and the same will apply to dd.

A good point expat-I wouldn't have taken it from mine and we actively had to stop PIL when we were newly married-we knew they couldn't afford it. Mine don't expect it and they wouldn't ask-which is why it would be nice to help if we could.

No need to tell my folks we don't want any inheritance - they are spending it! But have wisely purchased and planned their entire funerals including headstones and put away funds for any care they should require.

We will be pleased just to have their effects to cherish.

I think it's wrong to take from anyone if it's not surplus unless you have absolutely desperate need.

And a car and uni and your own flat aren't.

FIL got upset because all his money went on care in old age, but we assured him that it wasn't important and that we were not expecting to inherit-it really wasn't important and I don't think that people should have expectations.

Absolutely, pisces! I'd much rather see them spend their hard-earned monies on getting the best of care that can be had in their last time before passing away. I can't imagine begruding one's own father or mother that, or financial security that goes with not having a mortgage or having a good pension, so as to get one's grubby hands on it when one is able-bodied and fit.

Get a damn job and support yourself then!

I disagree that children who are given help from their parents will end up spoilt, indolent brats. But then I would, because my parents bought me a car (actually it was a hand me down), put me through Uni, and gave myself and my husband money towards our first house.
I'm not spoilt in any way .
I worked hard at Uni, am very careful with money, and am more than capable of standing on my own two feet.
I will also try my hardest to make sure that I can give my own children the same help that I received.
My DH was one of many children and his parents couldn't afford to help him through uni - he didn't find it at all "character building" (though he did fund his Uni course by working as a bartender in a titty bar, so I don't think it was all bad for him).

Yes but how about if they had the same support from their parents expatinscotland and so you know it's not through their hard work they have obtained this wealth. Do you then refuse the 50,000 towards the house because you're an adult? My DP is in that position and his mother who was given alot more than that in the 80's from her parents, is willing to give us that amount towards a deposit for a 2 bed flat. I am therefore unsure whether it is as clear cut as you suggest. I am very reluctant because I do not want to feel beholdent but my DP does not understand this if it benefits our DS and its what some families do. It's the norm!

It is clear cut. If they have it to give and it's not impoverishing them or compromising their financial security, go for it.

But personally, with people living longer and needing more care, it's vital for people in their 40s and 50s to do what they can to provide for themselves as well as they can before laying out the gravy train for their kids.

I don't know what the answer is. Back in 1990 my friends mum got a job so they could buy a bigger house, have some luxuries and go on holiday.
Then all the other mums suddenly started to copy her and get jobs too.
Now look where we are, all the mums have jobs like it or not and it's to cover the basics not the luxuries.
The more we do the more is expected, it will be the norm to pay for your child's first car, house deposit, tution fee's because who wants to be the mum and dad that stands up and says no I won't.

That's not where he met you I hope Gargula

We'll do all we can to get dc through university or whatever training they need to get them started.

I do see that as something I want us to do for dc and it will cost a pretty penny with 3 dc but we will if we can.

I feel strongly about that because my own parents, for whatever reason, didn't seem to want to do it for me. I was not encouraged to go into HE and I regret it hugely and feel quite let down by them about it beause they could have helped me.

But beyond that no I don't think it'll be possible to start funding house deposits and cars.

Anyway a modest and not brand new car, is an affordable thing to save up for. A first big adult purchase and a symbol of independance. It loses it's kudos on that front if someone has just given it to you. I had to do it with my first car. You def appreciate the things you've worked hard to get.

I also paid my parents housekeeping money. Quite a bit of what I earned actually iirc but that was ok imo. I agree if you live at home and earn money then that is reasonable.

You do no favours buying things for your dc at every opportunity. Part of my job as a parent is equipping them to enter the world. Those that enter it expecting everything on a plate have a harsh lesson to learn.

Expect dh and I will help ds as much as we can, according to our means. (Theoretical as he's only seven.)

I got £50 off my father when I went to university - seemed a bit of an insult given the bugger had been defaulting on maintenance for years but hey, I wasn't going to turn it down. Few years later, then-dp inherited the money we used for a deposit on our first flat - couldn't have afforded to buy without it. (Although it would not be anything like enough for a deposit these days.)

We have both had help from our families when we've been through tough times, and helped out our families when we've been well-off. I don't like taking money from my Mum, but when dh lost his job, we didn't have much choice.

But Mamatomany some (probably most) surely do not give to their children due to peer pressure, with a concern for how it looks to others! Most parents who dp this feel they want to help their children for no other reason other than the recipient is their child.

I don't know why everybody feels sorry for young people today. Fees on side, have you forgotten the days when we had to type the course work in the library? (or am i the oldest one here?) And not internet. Now every student has computer. and inernet and mobile phone. Also getting second hand books was harder. And houses or food weren't free.

Its interesting that posters say that they will pay for university but not for car or house? Can i ask why? (just curious).

Do you mean that you will lend them the money and expect them back because as a doctor or lawyer will earn more?

What if your dcs dont want to go to uni and want to work and start family young? Would you pay for house deposit?
Or if they say i want a car but not for going clubbing, for working as cab driver or start a small bussiness that needs car.

YANBU
You really ANBU.

I'm 26 now and I would never ask my parents for money. The only time I did was when I put down the deposit for my first rented flat and my dad loaned us £500.

When I was at uni there were one or two occasions when my mum made me take forty quid because she was worried about my cornflakes-only diet (not a problem, I love cornflakes). She also bought me a winter coat once when I couldn't afford it. I was lucky because I'm Scottish so uni was free, but I paid my own rent, for books, clothes etc. I don't drive.

As far as DP and I are concerned this is completely normal, but now that we work in a more middle-class area we're starting to see that it isn't, necessarily; my work colleagues pay for their childrens' weddings, cars, education and so on.

So, as far as we're concerned, YADNBU and I would think less of the children for taking money from you.

Besides, I feel like my degree was a real achievement because it was ME who did it all. I worked like a dog at times and had no money - but I loved it and would do it again in a second. It's all part of the student experience!!

'I would never ask my parents for money' - unless I was up shit creek and needed it badly. THAT is what parents are for.

Just to clarify :)

It's not about how it looks to others more a case of whilst I have breath in my body do I want my children to not have at the very least the same as other peoples children, of course we all do.
It's the same as paying another tenner for a pair of Nike trainers when Clarks do the same job, you may swear you'll never do it when your DC is under 5 but when they are 10 you do.
So will you let your child be the one not on the property ladder or walk/on the bus when you could buy the car, probably not. Those who can't will do as they've always done, go into debt or pretend they don't care.

I suppose it's about treating all adults as equally worthy.
Why should one adult work 60 hrs, and all they have themselves is a pretty crappy roof & a few tins of beans, while another adult studies 40 hours and a home of their own?
You couldn't possibly justify impoverishing your parents so you can enjoy comforts, such as not having the bother of walking to the bus stop.
On the other hand,it's totally justifiable to impoverish the whole family to pay for treatment for an ill child.

monkey 'but dad paid the 25k deposit on my house, and did the same for my 2 sisters.

Only my little sis went to uni, and dad topped her up but didnt pay anywhere near the full whack.

FIL has just give us another 20k so we can move higher up the property ladder. Fairly normal I thought'

Jeez but you must come from mega-wealthy family

75k in house deposits and another 20k to help up the ladder... wow.. you are one lucky lady!