to think that my dcs should pay for their own cars, houses etc?

[overthemill]

this is really bugging me. I am from a fairly normal working class not at all well off probably poorish background. My parents loved me but had nothing so I never got anything from them once I left home. When I was at home doing summer jobs (as a student) my mum would ask for £10 a week (in the 70s) towards my 'keep'. I never got pocket money. If I wanted something I had to work for it (I got my first p/t job at 13 and worked all through school and college). My mum used to make up my grant (about £30 a term was what they had to pay) out of the money I gave her in the summer. My last year at college my dad refused to fill in the application forms so I didn't get a grant that year at all and I had to work 2 days a week to pay rent, eat etc. Incidentally I came out of college with a few hundred pounds in savings. Two days after my finals I got a job and have worked ever since.

I have no beef about this at all - I think it was 'normal' for my family and most of my peers, there were a few people I knew whose parents had more money but really very few.

I am now married to a lovely dh (not our first marriages) and we have 3 kids between us. I came along when his were 2 & 4 and ours was born about a year later.
First is due to go to Uni in 2011 ad it has suddenly become apparent to me that dh is expecting to fund in full her education - ie at least £10k a year for the 4 year degree, then do the same for the next one and then the next. I have always kind of known this but hadn't ever realised he was planning to wholly find it, not just 'top it up'.

And then, last weekend we had a real argument about the kids cars - dsd has juststarted driving lessons and will want a car. He blithely said, 'we'll have to buy her one' and still later 'we need to look into how we can help them all out with deposits when they want to buy a house'.

Now I am totally and utterly gobsmacked by this. He does come from a different background from me. Privately educated, Oxford Uni and he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal. I think it is totally and utterly abnormal.

You need to know that we do not have much money at all - he doesn't earn loads and I lost my job last year and have struggled to find alternatives, he will probably get made redundant next year - and his payout will not be huge. We are always overdrawn and live paycheck to paycheck despite our best endeavours.

AIBU - please tell me, what do you think - are you all planning to impoverish yourselves to give your dc's money?

Personally I didn't have financial help with things like a house deposit, although we did live rent-free at my mum's house for a while which helped hugely.

I don't see the problem with parents giving their DCs a helping hand, but I don't think it's a good thing to fund everything for them. And I think it's madness for parents to face financial hardship themselves in order to make things easier for the children. They don't need a house deposit or a car, these are luxuries. I would help with Uni fees as much as I could but would expect the DCs to contribute as well- work in the holidays, look at taking a gap year to save some money up, that kind of thing.

I can't imagine that DH and I will ever be able to provide DD with a house deposit, or completely fund a degree.

If you believe that what your parents did was the right thing, then it's very difficult to break away from that model of parenting. Maybe that's what the two of you need to look at. You need to find a happy medium between doing what you want to do because you believe in it, and doing what you can because you can afford to do it.

FWIW dh and I have a similar debate (though our eldest is only 10 as yet). He thinks parents should cover the whole cost of uni so that the dc can concentrate on studying, whereas I think parents should contribute but let the dc find a way of supplementing so that they can learn also what the adult world is about. We haven't come to any conclusion.

Oh but it's so hard though. I have a younger cousin who's bled his parents dry. When I was at 6th form and uni only a few of my mates had a (crap) - now my dear cousin had lots - bmw - and he failed his first year exams for dentistry.

I do think that if you help loads you acn give your kids the idea that it's fine to flunk and flunk again.

It's a hard one though.

I would not skint myself for the LO's. I would do my utmost to help them with uni. I would by a first old banger car for their birthday/xmas combined pressie, if I could afford it. I would help them with a deposit - maybe match their savings- if i could afford it too. I absolutely would not do every job under the sun to fund all of this, so in your situation I would help with uni fees/rent only.

I was lucky enough to have my first 3 old bangers bought for me (my parents had money then) and my uni loans topped up. BUT when I left uni my parents were out of work and I did extra jobs to pay their mortgage. I also came had a savings account whcih they had set up for me pay out when I was 21 - they wre skint so I gave it back to them. I recived an inheritance (I would rather of not had ) for deposit on my first house. I saved rest of my inheritance for my future wedding - even though I was single [hopeful emoticon] - as I knew my Dad would not be able to help me with it in the future. I have always felt you roll with the circumstances as a family. Be there when you can.

Apols for appalling post - blame the cider

i will help my kids anyway i can.

me and df are planning to buy a car for our children, but that will be a cheap run around car

had a crap???!!!!!! - what am I on about - a few of my friends back in the 1980's had a CRAP CAR if their parents bought them one. One of my uni friends had a car. It's different now.

YANBU.
If only for the simple truth that it's much more fun to be eating Pot Noodles at 20 than 50.

Give what you can, for uni fees, certainly. Cars - no, you can manage fine without them if there's public transport. Or buy them a bike for Christmas.
House deposits, well, I think we'll all be living in a different landscape by the time your children are thinking of buying.

We r in our late 30's and have had no help from parents but everyone i know seems to have been given huge amounts of cash. I am very proud we have managed to get through college on our own, marry and save our own house deposit but would have loved more parental support. Lets face it though, it was quite cheap for us really in the 90's - with good uni grants,cheap rents, much smaller house deposits etc. Our children have it much harder as everything is so much more expensive these days. Just think of the average house deposit needed at the moment and how expensive uni fees are!! Thats not to say that we should give them things on a plate but helping out a little if we can afford it would be valuable. In reality people have to cut their cloth accordingly - and if you can't afford to help out than thats just the way the cookie crumbles. In an ideal world I would pay 3k per annum towards my childrens uni, 4k towards each childs wedding, 5k towards each childs first house deposit and 1k to help out with first baby equipment. Who knows if we can afford to help out though?

Just read some of your later posts and I think you should sell your house and buy out right. That way you have secured your own future/home and can use some excess monthly money to help the kids out. I think it might be healthier for the kids to know that you are baby sitting/cleaning etc ..to directly put them through uni rather than thinking there is a magical pot is dipped into to provide for all their needs. Dig your heels in, you are in the right. Don't pay for the car and only pay towards uni fees - not bills/living costs as they can work and take on loans to fund that.

I'm surprised that the OP and her DH have left it so late to talk about the practicalities of university. Surely this is the sort of thing that you plan way in advance? Perhaps you both assumed that your viewpoint was so 'normal' that it was of course shared, but preparing children for university takes planning IMO, whether you are giving them financial support or otherwise. To me neither approach you describe are abnormal, just very different.

My father is an accountant and got my grandparents to set up trust funds for all of their grandchildren to go to university. That we were well supported didn't mean that we weren't also responsible. I think that was more about setting clear boundaries, so we knew that the money we were given was finite and needed to be managed well. My dh on the other hand was given money as and when he asked for it really, and never learned to budget or be sensible, which became a big problem later on.

I think in your circumstances you need to really figure out together what is possible for all three children. Your dh may well feel a responsibility to his children - I certainly feel that I am responsible for supporting my children in the way that my parents supported me.

You seem shocked and you are saying you thought it will be different.

Does this mean you never talked about this all these years?

Or you did talk but he has recently changed his mind?

sort of x-post with Nooka sorry

TBH, the DC should be the ones to be out babysitting & cleaning, if that's what it comes down to.

I think education is one thing and if when my 2 get to 18 and they want to go to university I will help them financially if we have the money to do it ( we have already set up savings accounts for them both) My dad did help my sister buy her first flat but when she sold it a few years later she paid him back the deposit he gave her from the sale. YADNBU if you don't have the money, to get into debt for it is madness !.... and as for the cars....don't be ridiculous !

Have only read the OP. YANBU.
I was born in 75 so younger, but I had my first paper round at 11 and shop job at 12 and never stopped since.
My parents had nothing either, I would never have expected them to pay for anything, when my mum bought me an ironing board and iron for my first house (at 16) I was really grateful and didn't expect it.
I don't expect anything unless I work for it and am hoping to do a law course next year and do not expect any help at all from my mum (who would give me her last penny to help).
I now have a reasonable house and my own car which I pay for on my own, because I work hard for what i've got, I really appreciate how lucky I am.

I don't know really.

I am mid 20s and my parents (they weren't together) didn't help towards my university education, buy me my first car, nor would they give me the money for a deposit on a house/flat and I am expecting their first grandchild. I have worked since 16, including part time throughout my education, and I'm quite proud of what I have managed to achieve without their help.

However, I must admit I am quite envious of friends whose parents have given them a little help in order to get a mortgage, and while I was at uni I was really hard up and a bit jealous of the kids who had help - which was most of them. But yeah, the mortgage thing especially now, because I have my own DC on the way. We live in DP's flat which he bought with his ex. His mum paid his half of the deposit, and bought his ex out when they broke up, so it is now officially DP's and MIL's mortgage, although the entire deposit was actually paid by her. I would love to be in a position to buy MIL out/get a new mortgage on a new place ideally, but I just can't ever see it happening. I do sometimes feel a bit jealous of DP to have been handed this 'stability' on a plate, whereas should the worst happen and we were to break up, I wouldn't have that stability for my DS and would need to move into rented accommodation.

(And my parents have occasionally been in the position to help me out significantly [after the receipt of inheritance, very excessive bonuses, etc], financially, but they're so crap with money it has always dissolved back into their debts and they always run up more. I must admit to feeling a little bitter about this given that it was always THEIR expectation that I would go to university, and my dad always said throughout my childhood that he would pay my fees, and I have ended up with a load of debt.)

I really hope I am able - by some miracle - to help my DS out financially when the time comes, especially with uni fees and a mortgage, just because I know how hard it has been/is for me.

Sorry if this was a bit of a personal rant, but essentially I feel that despite having never been handed anything on a plate by my parents, if in eighteen years time I am in the position to help my DS and other potential DCs out financially with 'big' things, then I will. It is not realistic to think that a teenager can pay their own (increasingly extortionate) university fees, nor are many of my graduate peers (I graduated in 2008) going to be able to get onto the property ladder for at least 20 years by my estimation - if at all - and I don't imagine that changing by the time my DS is a teenager, so I think that financial assistance by the parents, if they are able, is the only way!

Uni - If I could I would to a point.But would fully expect them to work P/T.
Car - no way.
House - depends, if I had the money (no chance at the mo.) and they were working their arses off to no avail then maybe.

If your don't do it on your own then how can you feel a sense of achievement.

my parents paid for me throughout university, gave me the deposit for my first flat and even got me some of the furniture. They were not rich by any means (lorry driver and housewife), but they thought it was important so that I could keep my student jobs to holidays only and I could concentrate in studying. And so I had a relative stress free time at uni and came out with a good degree and no student loan. I have been saving for DS's university fund since he was born, so that he can have the same priviledge. And yes, it was a great priviledge. Unfortunately these days it is very different. I never paid fees. Now they have to pay fees, living expenses and they'll probably find it imposible to find a job in the end.

He wants to leave you without a house to pay for THEIR house? Is he insane?????!!!!!!!

Sorry for being so abrupt, but that is sheer and utter madness!!!

You are supposed to help with your children's NEEDS, not their WANTS and every flaming DESIRE!!!

I would love to help my sons through uni and to fund a flat in London for them. To that end I am putting SPARE money away now into savings accounts for them.

If your DH was so adamant about helping the DC, then he should have done something about it a long, long time ago.

Lottery, a change in government is all it takes for things to change drastically, as you can see just now, who know what the future will hold when your (or mine) ds is a teenager.

I think in your circumstances it doesn't sound a feasible option but I don't agree with the sentiment of your post I.e I struggled and this is healthy and character building.

Equally, I wouldn't believe the sweeping generalisations that suggest helping your adult children somehow restricts their drive. My brother and were helped through university. We had student loans but this was to top up the financial help from our parents which differed as they were divorced and my dad contributed less.

My mum bought me an old car and paid my brother's rent throughout his time at Law college. I have a Masters degree and my brother is partner at a city Law firm so can't really deduce from that that assisting us financially removed our drive! However, my brother is a much greater success.

I have friends that had to pay rent in the 6th form and they did not do very well at A level and therefore had limited options at university level. They both did courses that gave them no subsequent advantage in the jobs they got following on from university!

Trapped, yes that's a fair point.

I guess I am just a little peeved that my parents had a lovely time with all their easy credit and free university, pissed it all away and never imagined that it might have been an idea to put a little bit away for the future, but fair enough, things were different then. I am grateful though, that I have a different attitude towards money. I have never had any 'free' money - never claimed any sort of government benefit (the closest I have had is my student loan which we all know comes with a ball and chain - oh and my HIP grant recently! ) - and I think that having a healthy attitude to money is something that will benefit my DCs ultimately, whether or not I can afford to put them through uni.

re: car, totally unnecessary, however much money I have wouldn't pay for car, degree though, if I could afford it, would pay for university.

They have to fund their own car. DS3 hasn't been able to have driving lessons because we gave the first 2 six lessons for 17th birthday and then they paid through part time jobs. DS3 didn't have a part time job and so there was no point giving him 6 lessons. The older 2 bought my old cars. They paid for them and they pay to run them.
We haven't got as far as the house part but might lend them some of the deposit money-interest free.
We started investments when they were babies for the university fees or things they might want as young adults (DS2 didn't go to university so he will be able to use his for a house deposit). There was a thread recently with someone moaning that their ILs had promised them money for their baby and hadn't given it to them yet-they wanted to waste it on new baby equipment-seemed utter madness to me, they could get second hand and save it until the DC needs it-they don't care what sort of pram they have!!
I think they should work for it and not expect things to be given. We had to and we didn't expect all new-we used other people's throw out furniture etc until we could afford better and I think it is a very good thing!
Having said all that I feel very sorry for young people today and think they get a rough deal so would help, if and when we can, if I think it is in their best interests -but not to fritter away on new prams!