to think that my dcs should pay for their own cars, houses etc?

[overthemill]

this is really bugging me. I am from a fairly normal working class not at all well off probably poorish background. My parents loved me but had nothing so I never got anything from them once I left home. When I was at home doing summer jobs (as a student) my mum would ask for £10 a week (in the 70s) towards my 'keep'. I never got pocket money. If I wanted something I had to work for it (I got my first p/t job at 13 and worked all through school and college). My mum used to make up my grant (about £30 a term was what they had to pay) out of the money I gave her in the summer. My last year at college my dad refused to fill in the application forms so I didn't get a grant that year at all and I had to work 2 days a week to pay rent, eat etc. Incidentally I came out of college with a few hundred pounds in savings. Two days after my finals I got a job and have worked ever since.

I have no beef about this at all - I think it was 'normal' for my family and most of my peers, there were a few people I knew whose parents had more money but really very few.

I am now married to a lovely dh (not our first marriages) and we have 3 kids between us. I came along when his were 2 & 4 and ours was born about a year later.
First is due to go to Uni in 2011 ad it has suddenly become apparent to me that dh is expecting to fund in full her education - ie at least £10k a year for the 4 year degree, then do the same for the next one and then the next. I have always kind of known this but hadn't ever realised he was planning to wholly find it, not just 'top it up'.

And then, last weekend we had a real argument about the kids cars - dsd has juststarted driving lessons and will want a car. He blithely said, 'we'll have to buy her one' and still later 'we need to look into how we can help them all out with deposits when they want to buy a house'.

Now I am totally and utterly gobsmacked by this. He does come from a different background from me. Privately educated, Oxford Uni and he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal. I think it is totally and utterly abnormal.

You need to know that we do not have much money at all - he doesn't earn loads and I lost my job last year and have struggled to find alternatives, he will probably get made redundant next year - and his payout will not be huge. We are always overdrawn and live paycheck to paycheck despite our best endeavours.

AIBU - please tell me, what do you think - are you all planning to impoverish yourselves to give your dc's money?

'And she did have the money, spare sat in an account but her tits were more important than her son.
There was no debt involved.'

Then her tits were more important. Who knows, maybe they made her miserable for years and she felt it was now or never.

Can't say I would have begruded her a tit lift.

I'd have just worked more or gotten a loan for my stuff.

Personally, I would feel I had let down the person I decided to create if I invested in a boob job over their education!

My folks go travelling all the time.

Whilst I'm sat in a council flat with a banger for a car outside.

So? It's not their problem I'm here.

I've had therapy to deal with the crap that woman has caused in our lives, but since it's on going and every time I try to cut her out like a cancer she creeps back in.
Anyway back on topic, it's not a case of feeling entitled it's common decency parents help their children that doesn't stop at 18.

If you look at any successful person, Alan Sugars parents bought him his first car and put him up when he went bankrupt the first time. Very few people are completely alone in the world and make a success of it.

Exactly Goldenbear, I have had my boobs done myself but only after the DC's are taken care of first, they didn't ask to be born and the tits were perfectly ok before they were so both situations are entirely of my own making

It's like my post above.
if you were fairminded in a family you would expect all members to have a similar standard of living.
You'd never go a 5 star holiday in the seychelles if your DC was crying in bed at night wondering where the rent was coming from. Likewise, you wouldn't be scrubbing on your knees, wondering about your pension, all week while your DC got up at noon and drove off to go shopping in their cars

Surely.

'it's not a case of feeling entitled it's common decency parents help their children that doesn't stop at 18.'

Well, of course. But furnishing cars, full whack uni fees/board and a deposit on a house/flat? For one child alone, if fees go up to £9000-£12000, you're talking well in the region of £50-75K if you're doing the deposit, too.

That's beyond the scope of reality for a large number of people.

mamatomany Sat 13-Nov-10 23:22:43
^

I don't think normal people expect all three though.
Certainly in my brothers case he just wanted to be allowed to live in the box room but that was too much to ask for my parents and plenty of other parents supported her and thought it was absolutely the right thing to do.

I personally do not plan to cover the house deposit but equally will not turn their bedrooms into a sauna or a game room the moment they leave home so whilst I'm not going to pay for their independence they will never be without a roof over their heads. And that means a lot to young people, to know they can take a risk and try new things knowing they have someone to fall back on.

I am being nosy but you have such strong views I was just interested in why!

I didn't have a car until 22 when I could afford one either.

I do agree that parents should spend as they see fit. My view on the whole matter might be a little warped because my parents have spent themselves into oblivion and beyond in ways that are not always sensible (see: father that priorities his 'friends' before his kids and has misguidedly lavished thousands on them whilst not stumping up when I have been too skint to eat, and mother who pisses it all away on booze and fags which I can't agree with as it's killing her). I appreciate that it is their money to spend as they wish and certainly don't expect handouts, but do feel that their sympathies of "I wish I could help, but..." during my times of financial turmoil have been somewhat empty because of their actions.

Anyway I expect I shall see another perspective when DS is here...

Learn not to expect it from them, then, Lottery. They are who they are. If you don't like that, don't spend time with them. Don't bail them out.

But if I knew they were like that I'd not even bother telling them when I was skint or behind on the rent.

waterloo You don't want to ease your child's path, to make her experiences better than yours ? I find that strange tbh.

I'd give everything for my kids. I would help the buy a house or with university fees. I find it slightly ironic that someone who lives in a council house is talking about paying for herself and not relying on others.

The great thing about not having help is that you can fail. You can choose, you can change direction, whatever.

It is a huge pressure to know that your parents risk their roof for your education. There are many unhappy people out there on careers they dont really like.

It's not possible for a lot of people now, mama, with the way the economy and the cost of living is going. It's not a matter of choice or deciding not to.

This OP, for example, by doing this, can seriously fuck herself up financially.

What if she winds up not being able to work as long as she'd have to if she sacrifices this much of herself financially?

What if she or her husband become unable to do their jobs, or lose them?

YANBU. In fact, I'm not at all sure you should be funding the house/car even if you could afford it - tuition fees maybe.

My father topped up my grant for the first two years and refused to in my third year of my degree. I worked in all the university vacations and paid rent to live at home. I never had money for a car or house. Those were things I funded myself once I could afford to.

My niece has just finished university. Her parents paid her a small allowance towards her tuition fees.She had a job in the university canteen and worked every other weekend and every vacation and bought her first car with what she earned.

I'm appalled at the sense of entitlement may young people have and the fact that parents fund them well into adulthood. At what age do some parents expect them to stand on their own two feet?

My dd will always have space in our home but she if she wants something of her own she will have to work for it. I don't see owning your own home as an entitlement, we sold ours to pay for care for elderly relatives. We did this because they were reliant on us and could not earn their own living. I hope my dd will more than capable of earning her own living.

'I find it slightly ironic that someone who lives in a council house is talking about paying for herself and not relying on others.'

Of course, byrel. We do pay full rent and are not on the dole, in case you're wondering.

Actually, it's HA flat.

But flame away.

"it's not a case of feeling entitled it's common decency parents help their children that doesn't stop at 18."

When does it stop then?

OP, I think you should get your husband to see a financial advisor, too, because giving up the chance to be mortgage-free in this climate, when interest rates are expected to rise, isn't wise.

Laquitar - that's a strange thing to say, my girls education has cost me over a hundred thousand already and they haven't finished primary but i wouldn't love them any less if they fail, i'd be sad for them but as their mother anything i give them is unconditional. Apart from wrapping a car around tree and killing themselves i'd be mad with her about that.

Good point, Laquitar.

Mamatomany I don't see it as easing her path. I want her to have the same fearless independence that we have. That has come from the fact that everything we have we have earned ourselves. She is already very independent, she has to do chores to earn her pocket money, between dd, dh and I we share making dinner and doing the chores. If she wants something she has to earn it.

It doesn't stop ilovesooty, you never stop being a parent do you ?

My parents didn't help me with anything but I assumed this was odd but reading this thread it seems its commonplace.