to think that my dcs should pay for their own cars, houses etc?

[overthemill]

this is really bugging me. I am from a fairly normal working class not at all well off probably poorish background. My parents loved me but had nothing so I never got anything from them once I left home. When I was at home doing summer jobs (as a student) my mum would ask for £10 a week (in the 70s) towards my 'keep'. I never got pocket money. If I wanted something I had to work for it (I got my first p/t job at 13 and worked all through school and college). My mum used to make up my grant (about £30 a term was what they had to pay) out of the money I gave her in the summer. My last year at college my dad refused to fill in the application forms so I didn't get a grant that year at all and I had to work 2 days a week to pay rent, eat etc. Incidentally I came out of college with a few hundred pounds in savings. Two days after my finals I got a job and have worked ever since.

I have no beef about this at all - I think it was 'normal' for my family and most of my peers, there were a few people I knew whose parents had more money but really very few.

I am now married to a lovely dh (not our first marriages) and we have 3 kids between us. I came along when his were 2 & 4 and ours was born about a year later.
First is due to go to Uni in 2011 ad it has suddenly become apparent to me that dh is expecting to fund in full her education - ie at least £10k a year for the 4 year degree, then do the same for the next one and then the next. I have always kind of known this but hadn't ever realised he was planning to wholly find it, not just 'top it up'.

And then, last weekend we had a real argument about the kids cars - dsd has juststarted driving lessons and will want a car. He blithely said, 'we'll have to buy her one' and still later 'we need to look into how we can help them all out with deposits when they want to buy a house'.

Now I am totally and utterly gobsmacked by this. He does come from a different background from me. Privately educated, Oxford Uni and he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal. I think it is totally and utterly abnormal.

You need to know that we do not have much money at all - he doesn't earn loads and I lost my job last year and have struggled to find alternatives, he will probably get made redundant next year - and his payout will not be huge. We are always overdrawn and live paycheck to paycheck despite our best endeavours.

AIBU - please tell me, what do you think - are you all planning to impoverish yourselves to give your dc's money?

does he fancy adopting me?

YABU why would he not want to help his children as much as he possibly can

I dont know, dont we all want to give our children the best start for their lives. I wish I had a parent willing to help me out with a deposit for a house and help me afford a car Im not complaining at all as things are so much nowdays but it would help so so much :)
I want to be able to help my son out in the future as I know what a struggle it is otherwise he already has alot in his ctf to help and Im going to open him a seperate savings account next year every little thing helps :) hopefully I will be able to help him do these things.

I dont think a car is a neccesity though tbh :)

but we won't even have enough to live on ourselves with his approach. we struggle now

A lot of parents go through hardship to provide the best they can for their children.

My parents supported me through University, but only for essentials so I got a job as well. They bought me a cheap car for my 21st. They also gave with a deposit for my first flat. I funded further studies myself. They are comfortably off but not affluent, and used some of their savings to help me with these things. I am very grateful for their support, and know that I am lucky to have had it. It has not led me to be dependent on the bank of mum and dad, but in fact to try to be as financially independent as possible.

My mother has always said that my education is her pension plan, and when she is on her own (she is quite a bit younger than dad), I will support her financially.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to do it, but you do need to sit and have an detailed conversation with your DH so that you can agree on your expectations and what you can afford.

Not sure it actually does teenagers much good to be given life milestones, like a car etc, as it shields them from financial reality too much. Many adults can,t afford to run a car, and for many teenagers, a car is the first time they get to analyse their Saturday job income against the realities of running a home and a life, rather than it just being beer or pocket money.

For uni, I think you each have to contribute, if you can afford it. So the student works and the parents help out if they can.

Likewise, I,d help my DCs with a house deposit if they were going all out to save. But they need that sense of achievement too, and doling it out to them actually robs them of that pride and independence.

I would expect to support my dcs to some extent through university because I don't think a student loan is enough to live off. I think they only have about £20 a week after rent to pay for food/bills/transport etc. I would expect them to work p/t like I did but realistically there might not be so many jobs available as there were in my day. I also used to miss lectures so I could go to work and I wouldn't want my dcs to do that. It also depends on the course, lots of science or health based courses are very full on so logistically p/t work is a lot harder than something like English where you can be more flexible. I'm not talking about handing over anywhere near £10K though, more like what I save from not feeding them at home plus a bit extra.

I bought my own car and it was great because it meant I could work nights etc. and I could work in jobs that were further afield. My car was a deathtrap though and looking back I can't believe they let me drive around in it. We don't live near public transport and if we are still here when dcs are that age then I will probably assist them to buy a car but not buy it outright.

It used to be easy to get a job when I was a young teenager but employment law has changed since then andlots of employers can't be bothered with the riggidity of employing under 16s.

I have an old friend who has a younger brother. Their father is a pretty well-off company director type. My friend from being a teen refused all offers of help from Dad on principle. His kid brother had no such qualms and took everything offered very gratefully. As someone whose parents were not in a position to give them anything, I've told my friend ever since that he was a bloody idiot to turn down the help when offered.

If you can afford to help your children progress in life - even if it's in a minor way - then I think it's a fantastic thing to do. There's obviously a line between giving them a leg-up and carrying them completely but, assuming you can find a happy balance, why make them struggle?

If his two DCs have a family trust fund he might want to focus on ensuring your DC has money put aside that will provide for them. Otherwise there might be a lot of resentment.

Maybe you can sit down with him, work out the numbers, and look at how best to use the money you have. Cars are not practical at uni- unless they're living at home. If you have limited funds I'd focus on saving to help the youngest first, so all three have equal funding.

YANBU if you haven't got the money.

YABU if you have.

I think its great he still fully supports his first children. Given the statement "so you want me to carry on cleaning, babysitting and doing any job" it seems ok for him to support you and your child but not the others. Qudos to him for workng hard to provide for his children.

YANBU

My mother didn't have the money to give me to fund my university education, my housing, or my driving, etc. Nor my brother. That's life.

If she had had enough disposeable income I am sure she would have helped me at Uni but beyond that, probably not.

If you are absolutely rolling in money then fair enough. But if it's going to make things hard for you financially then no way should you finance everything for your kids. They're young, if they get a good education and job they'll be ok and can pay for themselves. if you and your DH bankrupt yourselves paying their way, what will you on thru retirement.

Even if you have the money, I just fundamentally disagree with handing it over to your children without requiring that they match your efforts and show some inclination to support themselves.

Buying them a car is frivolous and sends the wrong messages. And if they're going to uni, they won't need one for ages.

Uni can be mainly funded by very low interest loans which they pay back once they're working, but only when they have decently paid jobs.

House - well that's a long way down the road and if they've got good jobs it may become a non-issue.

In short, can you compromise and agree to perhaps top up the part of their uni that the loan doesn't cover - that won't be such an enormous amount and may make your DH feel he's providing for them. But as SausageMonster says, don't overdo it - they need to be poor in university or they won't aspire to working towards better things.

I haven't got to this stage yet but things will be very different for my dds than it was for me.

I had grants, housing benefit in the holidays, no loans.

Young people don't need a car. I won't be paying for a car.

But I think I will need to give the dds regular money if they wnat to go to university.

I'm not convinced that funding your kids even if you can afford it is necessarily a good idea. I think it can give them an unhealthy sense of entitlement and give parents an unhealthy sense of control over their adult children.

I say this as somebody whose parents did help them out quite a bit and I'm not sure it's done me (or my relationship with my parents) any good to be perfectly honest.

Agree DaisyS.

You could be writing my life story except for the bloody-minded father . I got my first job doing chores for a neighbour when I was 11. There was something sooo satisfying about being able to pay for my own cinema ticket or whatever. I worked full time every holiday since I was 13, handed up money for my keep, paid my own way through Uni, etc.

Your DH is depriving your DCs of the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson about life and to enjoy the thought that they have done something to deserve the things they have. I felt a certain amount of positive pressure as a student, because I knew that if I failed, there was no plan B for my education. I drove my first car like a little old lady because I knew exactly how much it had cost me.

I might, if it didn't cause me financial discomfort, help out with education costs, but DH and I are both agreed that our DCs will buy their own cars, save up for the deposit on their own homes.

I see the DCs of friends who are not only financially dependent on their parents, but also naive in general because they don't manage their own lives. They expect their parents to do it for them. They're the same people who expect the state to fund care for their elderly parents because they feel they should have an inheritance.

YANBU

I don't think you should help your DCs to the extent that you are putting yourself in financial difficulties.

It doesn't do them any good to get everything too easily.

I have supported by DD for years through education, driving lessons deposits for houses.

She and her DP are always turning to us when they have an unexpected expense.

I was surprised to find out that their income is actually higher than ours, so whilst DH and I have struggled to help them they have been living the high life.

I think you should help with education not cars.

Do your children (for simplicity I wont distinguish between step and non-step) want or expect this sort of help?

My parents are wealthy. They have a stingy healthy attitude to money, and my mum was sewing my trousers and knitting my jumpers. (I am sure she was also weaving lentils). My dad was fishing to stock up the freezer for winter, and my mum picking berries and making jam, etc. Besides the point. I grew up with wealthy parents who was not spendthrifts. They worked hard, earned money, etc. My dad had ONE hero in his life. The towns down to earth millionaire who rode to the bank in his tractor, with a £100k in a plastic bag to make a deposit. Sorry I am rambling.

When I moved out to study, I applied for student grants and loans, and found a flat share in town with friends. I looked for part time work.

My father had made it crystal clear that MY dwelling was not an extension of the family home, and his support of me ended the moment I became an adult, ie finnished school education and started studying.

My studies and my adult choices became my responsibility, and I took ownership of this. I worked hard at my studies, I worked part time.

I took great pride in this, I felt I owed my dad nothing, I felt like an adult, and we were, well if not equals, then as equal as we could be.

When I had completed my masters (I left my native home beyond the arctic circle to follow my dreams and study a degree I was silly passionate about, in London) my dad asked me how much my student debts were. I was hesitant to say, but I admitted they were £25 k back in the mid nineties, but I would get a good repayment plan once I got a permanent job. I got a well paid permanent job within 2 months of looking. My dad paid off my entire debt the day I told him I had full time work.

I never expected that. My father NEVER told me he was planning to help me out, he had savings plans in place particularly for that purpose. I am confident one of the reasons I did so well is that it would be MY OWN PERSONAL financial loss if I didnt....

Can you and your dh set up a savings plan without your kids knowing, and see where you are when they have completed their degrees?

You dont want to pay for one silly wishy washy course after the other that may lead to nothing "because daddy pays", now do you?

I honestly believe that the best education in LIFE that a young person can have is through being responsible for him/herself and be an adult.

YANBU but times have changed. Back in your day was uni not free? It was in my day.

I came from the times that said if you were 18 and still living at home and dependent on your parents you were mighty odd.

Times have changed. I still have the mindset that I've fought for everything. I'm not from a working class background but uni was free and I worked 2 x jobs each holiday to ensure my parents didn't need to subsidise me.

But again, times have changed and I want to help my kid out when he grows up but I do very much hope that my biggest legacy to him is to teach him to do for himself.

But even way back then I had friends who's parents said that post 16 they expected kids to pay some rent. My parents were horrified at that an even stopped me from doing a paper round because they thought I'd be too knackered (to study - at state school).

It's hard to get the balance right. For my ds - I want him to rise to the challenge of today's global competition but I'll back him as much as I can (not much at present!).