to think that my dcs should pay for their own cars, houses etc?

[overthemill]

this is really bugging me. I am from a fairly normal working class not at all well off probably poorish background. My parents loved me but had nothing so I never got anything from them once I left home. When I was at home doing summer jobs (as a student) my mum would ask for £10 a week (in the 70s) towards my 'keep'. I never got pocket money. If I wanted something I had to work for it (I got my first p/t job at 13 and worked all through school and college). My mum used to make up my grant (about £30 a term was what they had to pay) out of the money I gave her in the summer. My last year at college my dad refused to fill in the application forms so I didn't get a grant that year at all and I had to work 2 days a week to pay rent, eat etc. Incidentally I came out of college with a few hundred pounds in savings. Two days after my finals I got a job and have worked ever since.

I have no beef about this at all - I think it was 'normal' for my family and most of my peers, there were a few people I knew whose parents had more money but really very few.

I am now married to a lovely dh (not our first marriages) and we have 3 kids between us. I came along when his were 2 & 4 and ours was born about a year later.
First is due to go to Uni in 2011 ad it has suddenly become apparent to me that dh is expecting to fund in full her education - ie at least £10k a year for the 4 year degree, then do the same for the next one and then the next. I have always kind of known this but hadn't ever realised he was planning to wholly find it, not just 'top it up'.

And then, last weekend we had a real argument about the kids cars - dsd has juststarted driving lessons and will want a car. He blithely said, 'we'll have to buy her one' and still later 'we need to look into how we can help them all out with deposits when they want to buy a house'.

Now I am totally and utterly gobsmacked by this. He does come from a different background from me. Privately educated, Oxford Uni and he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal. I think it is totally and utterly abnormal.

You need to know that we do not have much money at all - he doesn't earn loads and I lost my job last year and have struggled to find alternatives, he will probably get made redundant next year - and his payout will not be huge. We are always overdrawn and live paycheck to paycheck despite our best endeavours.

AIBU - please tell me, what do you think - are you all planning to impoverish yourselves to give your dc's money?

I just think that you should do your best to facilitate your childrens progression in life and that should not end when they become a student.

NestaFiesta There isn't always work. DD3 is at uni in Kingston and there are a lot of students looking for work.Ther just isn't enough jobs to go round. She has applied for all sorts of jobs including bar work, She did have a job in a call centre over the summer though but is not still there now.

But I think you should also 'facilitate' (god I hate that word) them becoming independent self-reliant self-supporting young adults

She is still at uni but doesn't work for the call centre anymore.This particular call centre has a long probation period and get rid of most of thier workers before they have completed their probation.

I am planning to pay for my DCs university fees and living accommodation, driving lessons etc and deposits on their first properties. I might not be able to live up to my their expectations, particularly if the economy goes bad, but that is the plan and that to me is normal. Hard for the young uns to get up and go nowadays.

Helping to fund uni is one thing, But DH and I wouldn't put a deposit on a house for our DC's. DD1 and her husband live in London. They rent a flat at the moment and are saving up to buy a house eventualy. Neither us or our SIL parents fund any of the rent and niether of us will be paying the deposit on a house.
They wouldn't expect us to and actually want to fund things for themselves.

Of course you want them to become self-sufficent but allowing them not to have to worry about finacial issues (as I did when at uni) gives them a distinct advantage as it allows them to concentrate on other things which helps set them up for a future career.

First priority must be for the parents to have a reasonable standard of living and to want for nothing insofar as that is possible after working for the family for their adult lives. All couples need some stability and comfort to look forward to. Once that need is met I think it's up to individual families to fund their children's futures. The tricky bit is managing expectations.

Ours know they will be helped through uni and will get a car. They also know that we have given them the best education we could hope to provide and after that they are expected to go out and make something of themselves. If we are able to help them, if necessary, once they hit 30ish, then of course we will.

We're like Quattro, really don't want ds to get into £70k worth of debt, which he will if he gets into med school without our help.

He's an only child, we've paid off our mortgage, and we'll get hammered for inheritance tax when we pop off unless we offload cash within our lifetimes.

Obviously if we couldn't afford it we wouldn't do it, but it seems mad to see him racking up massive debts when we're sitting on cash we won't need.

But of he gets into med school he will have his whole life to pay off that debt. My dd will be paying off her own uni debt.

Is it not better if they don't get into debt in the first place though.

I'd still rather pay for him than give the revenue 40% of our estate (over the IHT threshold), thanks all the same.

I have no problem with students paying back for their education.It would be hypocritical of me therefore to pay off my daughter's debt simply because we could afford to.

I would be happy for my estate to be put into the system to pay for schools, hospitals etc. The rest will go to charity.

I have had discussions with friends about this subject.

I want to help my beloved children. My parents have given us money from time to time. Not a huge amount, mind. DH's parents have not given as much but give in different ways. Both sets of parents are comfortable but not wealthy now. However, when DH and I were both growing up, money was tight.

I intend to pay for their university education, driving lessons and perhaps a house deposit. I also want to ensure they have good safe cars. Cars are necessary in Australia where public transport is only good in the cities.

However, this applies as long as we do not deprive ourselves. I am not going into debt for them!

DH and I have good jobs and are lucky in that our professions allow us to increase our income.

I get that it is good to let the young learn about responsibilities etc etc. However, I want my children to enjoy their university life and not have to get jobs to pay for their education. When I was running a degree program, I was saddened to see so many students having to work full time and study full time just to survive. My DC are fortunate that, so far, they will not have to do this.

I would buy them a car to use while they live at home but i'd sell it afterwards [tight face]

My parents paid for Uni and gave us both £10k for a house deposit so I'd do the same- although £10k will prob be about 5p by then so I might have to up it a bit.

However, as my parents did, I'll also be writing them a cheque for first month's rent after Uni and telling them that "bank of mum and dad is now closed"

Mumeeee- to be honest, I'm probabply a bit jealous of students who don't have to work as I had to and I was the only one of my friends who did (I went to a posh uni but am not from a posh background).

These children who are getting deposits paid for them on houses- I hope they know how lucky they are. House prices are madly unattainable yes, but its a collossal advantage to have your deposit paid. Its sooo out of most people's reach. It shouldn't be, but it is.

I don't think everyone should have it as hard as me, no (cue Hovis music), but a little hardship does help you grow as a person and be everlastingly sensible (OK tight) with money.

Quick example of what worries me- my 11 year old nephew had a £150 phone. Took great delight in showing me and telling me it was better than my phone, then went home without it and left it on my microwave.

Riven- has she tried to access any of the hardship loans/grants? When I was there, most colleges had this facility for students from less wealthy backgrounds (then it was judged on full grant)

What are all these universities that 'forbid' working. Surely if you're over 18 you are entitled to work if you want/need.

YANBU.

Your children will have their whole working lives to pay off their student loans - you are getting closer and closer to retirement and could live a long time needing to draw on your equity pot. When you are in your 70s and poverty-striken, are you going to ask your children to pay your bills?

I think that it is lovely to help if, if you can. My parents did, and I am very grateful to them. But I also had a grant, and took out the maximum student loans (no fees in those days too), so their contribution was much lower. And they had more money than you do, as they were both working.

As for buying them a car, each! I didn't own a car until DH and I bought one together when I was 28. Because we couldn't afford one before then. It wasn't exactly living in hardship to walk or catch the bus.

My mum helped me out as much as she could. We've got a thing in our family when we replace cars that we hand them down the line and part-ex the oldest one... so I tend to inherit their old ones, my brother inherits my old one and his rustbucket goes in for part-ex.

For my 17th birthday present I got driving lessons. It was ALL I got - but it was in my mum's interests to get me on the road and mobile as I took on things like the school run for my brother, and going to do the family shop and things.

Uni- I narrowly escaped tuition fees thank god, my mum helped pay my rent costs.

Houses... the only way we're affording to buy (my career went down the shitter a few years ago) is for our wedding present savings fund to be topped up by hubby's parents giving us the bit we need to move from 5% to 10% deposit. He tends to rely on being bailed out by his parents a lot more than I do with mine (think his have more spare cash), but it's the only way we can get onto the property ladder at all and we're grateful as hell for it. My mum's helping us cover the solicitor's fees in the interim between paying and our rental deposit being returned. If they couldn't help us - we'd just have to keep saving and renting, but as they can, yes, we are going to get to buy and it'll be a chunk of stress off my shoulders in terms of property inspections/will the LL want his house back constnatly. It just means we can sneak in at the bottom of the market rather than have to save and watch prices start to rise on us again.

What annoys me is that my brother's written off three cars in crashes (only one his fault) and my parents have replaced his car with a little run-around each time. That does get annoying - learn where the brake pedal is bro! He's about to get rid of his car, it's just a banger - and we need a second car since hubby got a job at a different work site, so yes, we're taking that on instead of a Christmas present this year. It wouldn't sell for much anyway - but it'll do the job for a few miles here and there each morning.