to think that my dcs should pay for their own cars, houses etc?

[overthemill]

this is really bugging me. I am from a fairly normal working class not at all well off probably poorish background. My parents loved me but had nothing so I never got anything from them once I left home. When I was at home doing summer jobs (as a student) my mum would ask for £10 a week (in the 70s) towards my 'keep'. I never got pocket money. If I wanted something I had to work for it (I got my first p/t job at 13 and worked all through school and college). My mum used to make up my grant (about £30 a term was what they had to pay) out of the money I gave her in the summer. My last year at college my dad refused to fill in the application forms so I didn't get a grant that year at all and I had to work 2 days a week to pay rent, eat etc. Incidentally I came out of college with a few hundred pounds in savings. Two days after my finals I got a job and have worked ever since.

I have no beef about this at all - I think it was 'normal' for my family and most of my peers, there were a few people I knew whose parents had more money but really very few.

I am now married to a lovely dh (not our first marriages) and we have 3 kids between us. I came along when his were 2 & 4 and ours was born about a year later.
First is due to go to Uni in 2011 ad it has suddenly become apparent to me that dh is expecting to fund in full her education - ie at least £10k a year for the 4 year degree, then do the same for the next one and then the next. I have always kind of known this but hadn't ever realised he was planning to wholly find it, not just 'top it up'.

And then, last weekend we had a real argument about the kids cars - dsd has juststarted driving lessons and will want a car. He blithely said, 'we'll have to buy her one' and still later 'we need to look into how we can help them all out with deposits when they want to buy a house'.

Now I am totally and utterly gobsmacked by this. He does come from a different background from me. Privately educated, Oxford Uni and he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal. I think it is totally and utterly abnormal.

You need to know that we do not have much money at all - he doesn't earn loads and I lost my job last year and have struggled to find alternatives, he will probably get made redundant next year - and his payout will not be huge. We are always overdrawn and live paycheck to paycheck despite our best endeavours.

AIBU - please tell me, what do you think - are you all planning to impoverish yourselves to give your dc's money?

One of the reasons I am scared of having a DD is because I have no idea how to ensure she never goes through the same self-loathing as was so natural to me when I was younger. Parenthood... I am about to become severely disarmed I think! (DS on the way.)

Derailing threads again, night ladies.

I wonder if some of this difference is to do with when different parents consider their children to have grown up?

In my family the assumption is that you leave home and become independent after you finish university, all my cousins, uncles and aunts have been to university, and it is expected that the next generation will do so as well. Spare money goes to save for that (generally grandparent to grandchild, not parent to child), and financial help is considered normal, although not by any means a right (we were all very grateful and felt responsible for spending money we were given carefully).

In dh's family everyone was expected to be working full time at 16. They thought he was a layabout for doing A levels, let alone going to university.

So for one family a 16 year old was an adult and the other adulthood wasn't really reached until about 22. Very different outlooks.

Exactly Riven-they don't need a car! There is public transport.DS3 will not be able to drive until he can afford the lessons himself.

'It's the same as paying another tenner for a pair of Nike trainers when Clarks do the same job, you may swear you'll never do it when your DC is under 5 but when they are 10 you do.'

I didn't. We had an arrangement that I paid what I considered a sensible amount for a pair of trainers and if they wanted expensive ones they paid the difference from part time work or birthday money etc. I think that it teaches the value of money (and that it doesn't grow on trees!)
Throwing money at DCs (or adult DCs) is a very poor answer. I think that is much more important to give your time.
People have much more appreciation of things if they have to save up and strive.

YANBU. If you can't afford it, then you can't do it. I think your DH has unrealistic expectations about what he/you are going to be able to provide for your children.

However, it's a harsh world out there, and personally, we do save for our kids futures.
I want to be able to give them deposits for a flat when they are older / help them out when they're at uni / contribute towards a car etc. I won't hand them stuff on a plate - no way - but I do want to be able to help them out.

Helping them out is fine-but not, if like OP, you can't afford it!
I wouldn't think much of a DC who would take money knowing that you hadn't got much!
I am happy that mine wouldn't and don't expect it.
DS3 has got an investment that will mature to pay student fees but I'm not telling him-it is much better for him to think he is a very poor student and spend accordingly!
If they were living at home I would take money for expenses and save it and hand it back for a house deposit -but there is no way that I would tell them this in advance!! I would leave it as a surprise.

That's a good idea, pisces.

My DDs (DS is only 2) already have a bank and a savings account. They earn some treats, too, for chores and the like, not always money.

Money they get for birthdays and Xmas goes half in the bank and half to spend.

We monitor their accounts online.

With the way things are going now, it might be more feasible for more people to forgo university and pursue vocational education which will lead to a skilled profession, so we have a flexibile attitude with regards to university education.

At any rate, there's no way we could finance is full whack, it will be very expensive by the time DD1 is 18 in 11 years.

Cars and house deposits. Again, you're going to see fewer and fewer parents able to furnish those, especially if their child is not an only.

And what Riven said.

I think people forget, too, how much energy you have at 18. It's a lot.

Help is one thing, certainly.

But does 'help' = a full ride at uni, a car and a deposit when it means the parents jeopardise their financial future in these testing times, when the retirement age is on the rise, too.

From what I read of the OP she was all for topping up the children at university. But not for selling the house and taking on another mortgage in her mid-40s to pay for it, which, let's face it, is unwise.

Also potentially unworkable, because lenders are less likely to loan at a rate that's affordable to people twenty years from 65.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that parents they should bankrupt themselves to help their adult children but I don't think they should pull up the drawbridge of support as soon as they reach 18.

The OP's husband is suggesting they take serious financial burden to fund the children's education in full (by her own words), buy each a car and furnish a sum towards the deposit on a home.

By her own estimate, the cost for the university education alone is £40,000.

Thus, we're talking about at least £120,000, for university alone, for 3 children.

This is an unrealistic amount for many without serious financial risk.

Hence, the OP's starting the thread.

She has also started a new job after being made redundant in the past year and her husband's job is at risk, with no serious payout expected if he loses it.

For people in their mid-40s, as the OP is, in this economy, with unemployment and interest rates almost certain to rise (they were going to be mortgage-free from the house sale, thus avoiding the potential for repossession) this is serious financial risk.

It can be very difficult for people at this age to find similar-paying work if and when they are made redundant, and the cuts haven't even started to take effect.

hat's exactly what the husband is suggesting, huddsour. It's daft.

I think that the next generation is going to be the ones worse off than their own parents and they just won't be able to do it for their own DCs so it won't be an issue in the future-except for the minority.
It seems to me that if you have to pay for further education, pay for a house and a family and then pay for your old age that there will not be enough money in the pot in one lifetime-certainly not enough to pay for adult DCs.

OP's DH is already worse off than his own parents, but hasn't accpeted that he hasn't actually got the money to do it!

I am saving up for retirement whenever i have spare cash, mine have a bank savings book each which might have £2k in it each when they are 16, they can buy a banger with that if they can drive. As for funding education i would if i could but cant see it but that depends what they want to do and if it is seriously going to lead to a career as oposed to them just getting pissed for 4 yrs at my expense.

I think that I will have this discussion one day with DH.

I worked my way through university and got a grant and a small amount of maintenance from my divorced parents. The job meant I could afford whatever I needed really, and I didn't drink which saved a fortune. I was also one of the first people to get a job on leaving. I'm currently going through uni again and paying every penny myself, which also involves me working weekends and evenings as well as managing the kids.

DH on other hand, got bought a house at uni, flash car, large amount of money every week, never had a holiday or weekend job. When I met him was still up to his eyeballs in debt and had failed two uni courses.

I do expect my kids to contribute to their university lifestyle, to get a part time job. I think it's as important a part of finding your place in the world as the course itself. I fear DH will feel differently though our financial situation will change hugely between now and then, could go either way, so it's a fight I'm waiting to see is required.

Why would you let them buy a car at 16? Totally unneccessary. 2K would be better kept for education/training/ rent on a flatshare if needed.

They can't even legally drive on their own at 16.

Children need to learn the value of money.

My son has single handedly got himself through a four year degree course on Student Loands. I would liked to have helped but was not in a position too.

The final 3 years of Uni they have work placements, during those he earnt 700 to 900 a week.

He buys clothes all the time not cheap ones, he eats out every single day.

And he does all that on a student loan.

It can be done.

If I could have afforded it of course I would have helped, if I could afford a car for him I would, with regards to the deposit I would do that too.

However, you have to be able to afford to help, if you cannot kids can do it alone.

When my son finally leaves Uni next year he already has a job to go to, paying 50k a year plus bonuses.

He achieved that on his own, he will appreciate all that he earns because he has to manage on his own.

He told me that the kids at uni who come from money end up the poorest. Fact.

I'm not sure why your DH is expecting you to pay for another womans children.

Good post nottirednow

I agree that it's not good parenting to continue to prop children up financially well into adulthood. Of course we all want the best for our children - but providing everything on a plate isn't the best.

Our eldest two, one at Uni, one in 6th form, both have part time jobs. I do worry sometimes that it might get in the way of their studies, but frankly, we can't easily afford to give hand outs anyway. DD1 gets the tuition loan, but can't get the full maintenance loan, (we both work full time so apparently we should be paying her rent/bill/ food as well as our own )so has to work anyway - it's not for extras, it's to pay her £300 a month rent, heating ...

On balance, even if it does affect the studies a bit, I'm not sure that's a wholly bad thing, because let's face it, it's preparation for the real world out there. I don't imagine any of my children will ever be able to afford time out of the job market (apart from maternity leave) so better to be able to cope with the reality than to be buffered from it.

I didn't get a car, or driving lessons. I paid for my own lessons and didn't get a car until I was 29 and DS was on the way. It's not necessary.

My parents did top up my uni funds to the tune of a couple of hundred a month, but they could afford it, and because of that, my loan etc was limited, if you don't have the income, other help is available for them. I also worked.

My father did put down the deposit on my house but as a loan, he legally owns 20% of my house and will get it back when I sell.

Having read all the posts, I'm convinced my idea is right, but I think we will go down the road of helping a little with things along the way - driving lessons for birthday/Christmas etc - and then clearing the debt in full when she starts full time steady work (if we are in a position to do so).