to think that my dcs should pay for their own cars, houses etc?

[overthemill]

this is really bugging me. I am from a fairly normal working class not at all well off probably poorish background. My parents loved me but had nothing so I never got anything from them once I left home. When I was at home doing summer jobs (as a student) my mum would ask for £10 a week (in the 70s) towards my 'keep'. I never got pocket money. If I wanted something I had to work for it (I got my first p/t job at 13 and worked all through school and college). My mum used to make up my grant (about £30 a term was what they had to pay) out of the money I gave her in the summer. My last year at college my dad refused to fill in the application forms so I didn't get a grant that year at all and I had to work 2 days a week to pay rent, eat etc. Incidentally I came out of college with a few hundred pounds in savings. Two days after my finals I got a job and have worked ever since.

I have no beef about this at all - I think it was 'normal' for my family and most of my peers, there were a few people I knew whose parents had more money but really very few.

I am now married to a lovely dh (not our first marriages) and we have 3 kids between us. I came along when his were 2 & 4 and ours was born about a year later.
First is due to go to Uni in 2011 ad it has suddenly become apparent to me that dh is expecting to fund in full her education - ie at least £10k a year for the 4 year degree, then do the same for the next one and then the next. I have always kind of known this but hadn't ever realised he was planning to wholly find it, not just 'top it up'.

And then, last weekend we had a real argument about the kids cars - dsd has juststarted driving lessons and will want a car. He blithely said, 'we'll have to buy her one' and still later 'we need to look into how we can help them all out with deposits when they want to buy a house'.

Now I am totally and utterly gobsmacked by this. He does come from a different background from me. Privately educated, Oxford Uni and he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal. I think it is totally and utterly abnormal.

You need to know that we do not have much money at all - he doesn't earn loads and I lost my job last year and have struggled to find alternatives, he will probably get made redundant next year - and his payout will not be huge. We are always overdrawn and live paycheck to paycheck despite our best endeavours.

AIBU - please tell me, what do you think - are you all planning to impoverish yourselves to give your dc's money?

Money for us will be no issue but I have no intention of paying for the lot.

I am glad that I haven't got pots of money-I'm convinced that the worst thing that you can do for your DCs is give them everything they want-hence all the 'poor little rich kids'. If they have nothing to strive for-everything comes easily-they get onto drugs for kicks.

For my DS1 we gave him £30 a week for food whilst at Uni, he took out a student loan to cover lodgings. He doesn't drive.

DS2 paid for his own driving lessons and then we paid half his car insurance because the cost was shocking. If they can't pay for their own lessons then they won't be able to afford to run a car.

We could afford to pay for everything but I don't think it teaches you anything and the OH and I had to do it for ourselves so why shouldn't they?

I will keep working to see our children through University. We are already saving monthly for them towards a house deposit, and the CTF for a car. I didn't have help from my parents, other than an interest free loan for my first car, and neither did DH.

I don't see anything wrong with helping your DC, IF you are in a position to do so. If it means you are going without essentials, then it's madness.

(We are comfortable but hardly wealthy either, and should our circumstances change, we would use the DC savings for us to live on if it was absolutely necessary)

DD2 is in her 2nd year of uni she has a tuition fee loan and a maintenanve loan. We pay most of her rent but she pays a bit towards it and all her utility bills and other living costs. We did the same for DD1 wheb she was at uni.

I meant to say there is no way we would fund everything. DD2 has already told us how much she appreciates what we give her. She says when she is earning lots she wants to give it back to us..

You say about your dh "he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal."

I think if your parents are "very comfortably off" then this financial help is common - rather than normal or necessarily a great idea. The main point is that you and your dh are not "very comfortably off" in the manner of his parents. Perhaps they would help their grandchildren?

I feel for your dh as he may feel a very heavy weight of expectation that he should provide financially for his adult children, as his parents provided for him and his siblings. If he is unable to do this it may actually be quite rocking to who he thinks he is so I would be very sensitive in dealing with him and I think counselling could be very useful for him if he feels this way.

I say this as an adult who is financially unable to provide the private schools and lovely houses I had as a child for my own child. It is hard to slide backwards financially from the background you had as a child as the expectation is always that you will go forwards financially and so this scenario is more comfortable in many ways. Presumably you have experienced an improvement in your own financial situation in life compared to your childhood and I believe that this is a far easier path to tread.

Your own childhood is a strong reference point for what "normal" is.

my DH deliberately chose a different path from his father and siblings, but his academic strength was in something else and he now works in a job that is meaningful (to him and me) and which touches many people, but just doesn't give him such a big income as them (they're medics). I am certain that we are better off than many many people and we have never gone hungry - we are not deprived but in no way are we rich.

Easy to say students can get a job to help them through university - what makes you think the jobs will be there?

if we had money I would share it with my children (and my family generally) but I am not sure that I would ever go as far as giving them everything they wanted - we would have a savings account for them to use for what ever they chose but that would be it. I truly believe that kids need to learn independence - is there anything nicer than enjoying something you have worked for yourself?

And to quote Tony Blair (don't do it often)' a hand up , not a hand out ' seems about right.

then they get loans, Rusty. or take any job going wherever and save up. or take any job going wherever and go to OU.

or put off going to university. work where have you. take a job teaching english abroad. join VSO. the armed forces.

the solution is not for the parents to risk their very tenuous financial security in their mid-50s when one of them is at serious risk of redundancy.

when visitng universities with my dsd, i have seen loads of jobs advertised eg pizza express, pubs etc - i am sure that for those who want/need to do so, they can do something. Babysitting, bar work, shop work - something to help top themselves up. Not sure about 20 hours a week but a couple of nights or saturdays surely?

I used to work 2 days a week when I was at uni but I was doing a real slacker degree. If I'd been doing something a bit more onerous than just having 8 hrs of lectures a week I may have struggled.

My parents paid for me to go through uni, for which I'm very grateful. Mum gave me her car when she got a new one and they paid all my tax, repairs, insurance, mot while I was at uni. They paid all my rent and gave me something like 1k a term which back in the mid 90s was quite a bit, enough to live off.

I'd like to think we could certainly help DD out but not sure how much now that tuition will be 9k a year. I'm hoping she chooses a uni near home so she can live here still and save money! Still 10 years to go.

As for a house, we're already saving for a deposit for her. Think she has about 8k in her account already.

I wasn't suggesting that was the solution, expat, I was simply pointing out that the glib response of 'get a job' isn't necessarily appropriate - over the next few years a lot of teenagers are going to have to look at the alternatives you suggest because their parents may not be able to help, even if they wanted to.

Student loans won't cover everything, especially if the Student Finance company decide the parents have too much income and will only lend 70% of the maximum - often that will not even cover rent, let alone anything else.

I'm not saying there are no jobs, but they are disappearing fast - lots of last years' students are still in their part time jobs because they haven't found a full- time one yet and shops have put their regular staff on part-time work, so Saturday & Sunday jobs are in short supply.

Then more people will have to re-think going to university. Or take on several part-time jobs.

Rusty- there is always work even if loads of students are after PT jobs. Where there are students there's beer. Where there's beer there's bar jobs.

No excuse really.

Not enough bar jobs for all that want them, Nesta.

And no excuse for what, exactly?

People may prefer to believe any student can get a job and they are just being lazy - that doesn't make it true...

People can believe that about anyone who doesn't work, don't see where students deserve special treatment more than anyone else.

Where have I said students should get special treatment?

You give students special treatment because having a degree opens up far more opportunites and makes it far more likely that you will get a high-flying job.

'You give students special treatment because having a degree opens up far more opportunites and makes it far more likely that you will get a high-flying job.'

No longer necessarily true but for an ever-decreasing few.

It is still very true most, the vast majority of the professions won't give you a second look if you don't have a degree.

My daughter told me the other day that she has started saving for her accommodation at uni - putting most of her weekend job wages away each week. I actually felt quite proud of her for doing that on her own I'll continue to pay her allowance once she's at Uni which is £100 a month. That will be the extent of it and tbh she doesnt expect anything more. I've paid for a few driving lessons as her birthday present and she wont be having a car as she says she cant afford to run one. That seems eminently sensible.

So what, hudds?

Honestly, they're not exactly a vulnerable subgroup like the disabled or elderly.

The majority are young and at the peak of their energy and fitness. They can see fit to be as resourceful as any other group of adults in society rather than expecting others to subsidise them except where they can.