to be fusked off with people's perception of children in care?

[LoopyLoops]

Not a thread about a thread, but inspired by one, whereby it was suggested that foster children are a danger to others.

Children in care are vulnerable and by default disadvantaged in many ways. 35% of the population goes to uni, whereas only 3% (1% until recently) of care leavers do.

Attitudes towards fostered children range from sympathetic to contemptuous.

I'll give you an example. Drinking with a neighbour recently, talking about childhood. He stated "but I don't believe you LoopyLoops, you can't have been in care, you own a nice house and are married..." Now, he wasn't saying this in a "wow! aren't you great" way, but in a genuine "I don't believe you, you're making it up" way. So, I gather the assumption is that care leavers will never achieve, won't own their own homes and won't have happy family lives as adults.

AIBU that this pisses me off?

Hi Loopy I was thinking about this thread today.
We have been having a lot of stuff going on with our DS1 who is nearly 17. The death of his sister has finally hit him along with dealing with his dad's illness, DS2's disabilities etc etc (anyway whole other thread).

He has a lovely gf. Very self possessed, beautiful girl. When I first met her I felt there was 'something' about her. Not bad in anyway but there was something I recognised.
We had a chat today. She has been through so much, removed into care at a very young age, several placements, back to birth family (who she didnt know), death of parent and back to other birth parent who she didnt know.

A dreadful story with so much loss and a fair amount of rejection (percieved and real).
But she is so optimistic despite her homelife still being very much less than perfect. There is so resiliant and that must come from somewhere. Her personality plus someone along the line, probably a fc who nurtured that. I didnt fall all over her, all sad and sorry but I did offer her a listening ear if she felt she needed one.

I think the system has let her down to a certain extent as well as the adults in her life. What stuck me is that she hasnt really much of idea or memory of what happend and why. We talked about accessing her file, do you think this would be a good idea for her?

Hello again, a proper post this time as was on a train before.

The charity is called Partners in Hope, and they support children/ young adults when they come out of care, in that time when life is almost impossible to navigate on your own without advice and support, but as has been highlighted here, the state does not provide.

Its things like, support applying for jobs/ uni, moving, trying to get into the career that they might want, or just providing a support thats always on their side, and wants the best from them. Its about providing links to other people as well, so being more embedded in a community, the mentor can ask others for help and contacts along the way, just like they would with their own child or friend of the family.

They are chronically underfunded, so can only support 40 young people a year, which is pretty terrible considering how many young people come out of care every year. But one of the reasons why they can only support 40 is that they don't set a time limit, nor can you 'age out' of the mentoring and help.

The charity works directly with young people, providing mentors, counselling, career advice, and seems very practical and focused on pushing the teens/ adults as far as they can go.

The reason I know about them is that a lovely guy came to work in my company for a few weeks as part of Partners in Hope scheme to help him find out what he wanted to do, and get work experience in a skilled profession.

The guy who runs the scheme (who was in care himself) mentioned some of the awful prejudices against people have have been through the care system, which I was shocked by, not having heard it before (then came on mumsnet and found this thread - and heard a lot more about this).

Then someone from my company stood up and said he'd been in care from 15-18 yrs and lived in a youth hostel and knew how tough it was and how people are so prejudiced - a really big moment. I talked to him after as he seemed a bit wobbly/ happy but wobbly, and he said its the first time he's ever 'admitted' his past to people he works with - says it all really.

I love the fact that people can't age out of this scheme, as it seems like young people in care get passed around and everything is done by how old you are/ intermittent support. This can go on for as long as the person needs it.

They really really want volunteers for mentors, so I am thinking about it... but really nervous as not sure if I'd be good at it, or not be any use to the person I got paired with.

so a question for those who have experience of being in care and transitioning from care into your adult lives...

• what kind of support would have been really useful if you'd have had access to this kind of thing?
• what would have really made a difference?
• what would have been awful?
• what is the worst thing a mentor could say/ do/ imply?!

Am really hoping for some steers, as I've been thinking of doing something like this for a couple of years, and then this opportunity kind of dropped from the sky (had tried to find mentoring schemes online and failed to find any) and don;t want to do it wrong, as its just so important...

I was in care briefly as a child and I have to admit I'm quite grateful for the fact that people recognise that life is generally harder for those coming out of care.

In my case I was quite lucky, my mother wanted to give me up for adoption when I was a baby so I went to a foster carer for a few months. I don't actually remember it much at all but my mum decided to keep me after all and I went back to live with her after a while. I have a good relationship with Mum now and most of my childhood was actually quite normal, although I grew up in a single parent family.

The fact that I'd been in care as a child meant that I got access to certain types of support though - extra funding for my degree, allocation of a council flat and help from some charities which I wouldn't have had otherwise. So although I didn't suffer too badly after my brief experience in care, it's been very useful for me.

MrsDV - I think the question if looking through files is one for her to think hard about. It is her right to access them, of course, but this may be very traumatic. One reason people find this traumatic is because often information is inaccurate, which leads to a great deal of confusion, frustration and anger. I think though, it might answer a lot of questions.

DoubleLife - thanks for your post. I'd be very interested in contacting Partners in Hope to talk about the work they do. Regarding your questions, I can only answer for myself, but here are mine:

• what kind of support would have been really useful if you'd have had access to this kind of thing? - someone to aspire for me, to believe in me and expect more than a rubbish job / pregnancy. Help finding voluntary work experience placements etc, and practical help finding somewhere to live at uni.
• what would have really made a difference? - Consistent social workers who cared and didn't lie to save their own skin.
• what would have been awful? - not going into care
• what is the worst thing a mentor could say/ do/ imply?! - minimal expectations - see answer to first question.

HTH :)

Do you realize just how ignorant and arrogant the "shouldn't get IVF should just adopt" claptrap is? Do you realize how offensive it is and how distressing? Do I sit and judge you and condemn your actions in life based on the functioning of your plumbing? No.

It's fucking offensive and I'm sick of hearing it. Talk about kids in care all you want - but quit giving the bullshit to the infertile.

Who is that aimed at emptyshell? I know this is a very emotional subject for you, and very upsetting, but I'm not sure this thread is the place for it.

If it's aimed at me, please be aware that I tried to steer the debate away from that. And yes, although I personally do feel that adoption should be considered before IVF, I won't judge you if you choose not to. This is not jusdging "the functioning of your plumbing".
Similarly, this is a very emotive subject for me. I was an unwanted child, unwanted because not enough people consider fostering and adoption. My childhood and many others could have been improved if more people would consider sharing their lives and love with an existing child. So to me, not considering it is offensive.

Also know please, emptyshell, that I have stuck up for you on other threads, where you have been wholly unreasonable, but as I know how upset you are about this matter, I have asked others to give you leeway. I know it is upsetting, but it doesn't give you the right to be rude and nasty at every given opportunity.

I actually came on here out of interest since my cousin went through the care system. Nice to see page after page of infertile bashing though and yes, I'm going to challenge that.

Want to know the brutal truth why it's a road I wouldn't ever go down?

Two words... Social Services. I don't trust them an inch, I don't trust the political agendas they push and the way the system operates. I'm also not black, mixed race or asian - so round here, no chance at all - it even says as much on our local authority website. I saw the way they mismanaged things with my cousin, essentially allowing her to intentionally break down foster placements to achieve her final aim which was to get placed in a home where no one would have the authority to make her actually haul her backside to school and not throw her life away. She actively managed to break down foster placements - including one placed with my mother, by delightful things like rape allegations, stealing... all sorts - and social workers pandered to it all.

And what you were trumpeting about those evil women who dare want IVF was offensive and ignorant. Couldn't really give a shit if you think you deserve some kind of favour for my unreasonablness to be honest. You've got no right to judge how women in a really shit situation live their lives.

Which "evil women"? Who said that?

As for not having a right to judge how women in a really shit situation live their lives, you sound pretty judgmental about your cousin.

Just had a good read through, and I can't see anyone asserting that people having IVF are evil, but that it would be best if adoption and fostering are considered first, not just passed off because people are frightened of the type of children in care.

You are clearly very sensitive about this, but I think you might want to direct your passionate anger elsewhere.

Bloody hell empty what are you on about?

I cant see what you do in this thread.

I am glad to see you here though, you had everyone very worried with your thread a while ago. Lots of people really concerned.

So at least I know you are alive.

I am sorry you find this thread distressing but its not about IVF its about children in care. Something we all feel very strongly about.

Personally I do not see adoption as an alternative to adoption at all.

empty I don't have the energy to post a long reply to your frankly ridiculous statement. Two hours ago I said goodbye to a 15 year old who has frankly made mine and my families life hell for several months now. Her behaviour was similar to that you discribe. I would like to know (as you clearly feel you are an expert) what you feel social workers and foster carers should do when a child is intentionally trying to disrupt a placement.

Maybe we should move on?

Interesting article (bear in mind it is 3% not 6% that go on to study in HE). Discuss(!)

I meant 'adoption as an alternative to IVF' doh!