DD1 was in care at just turned 6. She was well cared for up until about 3 but then suffered three years of total hell.
Now, I do say that there are many ways in which kids looked after (and adopted) are the same - I believe that there is something amazing about every child on teh planet. However, abuse does cause tremendous hurt to many children.
Can't remember who said this but someone said that all the children 'play the same' 'learn the same'. But they don't. Extremes of abuse will prevent this from happening. School can be a terrifying place for some children who cannot properly regulate themselves, and cannot learn as he other kids do because they are constantly hypervigilant never relaxing for long enough to take anything in - they are on the lookout for the next abusers to come along.
Both DD's go and went to the same special school, precisely because they could and will not function normally in mainstream.
Now look away if you are upset easily. I rarely say stuff like this but the truth is that a traumatised child is not the same as an emotionally healthy child.
When DD1 came, she did not play like other children. Following her abuse, 'play' meant 'sex' :( From the ages of about three to six, she did not have toys, and in care she didn't play like other kids. She would swing on the garden swing, but couldn't play with hand held toys such as dolls, or action fugures or set up train tracks. She wasn't quite sure what a toy was actually for.
She was traumatised, and she had had a disruption of an adoption at age 8. Precisely because of the mistaken belief that she would magically heal in a permanent family. There is no magic only long hard efforts and luckily at around 14 she began to heal. She was home at 10. She did not relate to men until she found her hubby at 17 (she is 24 now). SHe only said innapropriate things. At home I retaught her how parents and children hug. I taught her ways of huging me that didn't involve her attempting to touch me inappropriately etc. I cried every night for her, but even at her worst I felt an amazing connection to her that I feel could have kept me going through almost anything. She did get totally lost with things that other kids took for granted like most things involved in normal social interactions, and if she lost control she would totally trash her room - curtains yanked down, pee on the carpet, a rather devastating totally animal like crying, and this was a memorable episode at age just 13 I am describing. She had and does had nightmares many nights and disrupted sleep caused more problems. Luckily she finally got really good therapy thank God, and began to heal and today is very different to the girl she was though in many ways still very traumatised young woman - she will alaways be my baby though :) She didn't begin to make real prgress till about 14 though.
DD2, very similar, exept that she was moved to special school because she acted out (sexually) with othe kids if not given supervision constantly. She is totally amazing, nothing like that now, and is just great, it breaks my heart how I am sure some people would see her. But is she the same as other children? God no.
The fact is that when followed up, a study found that 1/3 of adopted children had some or no problems, 1/3 had significant but manageable problems and 1/3 had severe problems that totally prevented them from having any normal family life. Of course some of that is the perception of the parents. I view DD1 as having had significant probs but now only some, DD2 has always had sig problems since home at 8 (14 now) but that may change DS at 5 currently very few problems (but that may change).
However, DD1 had the disruption at 8 of her former adoptive home because they felt her needs were so severe they could not cope. Truth to be told she should never have been placed with a man/woman couple, because of her probs. But I think if you want to adopt or foster then you have to understand that some children have severe problems that need intensive therapy to overcome. Up to 1/3 of adoptions seem to disrupt post adoption order, and up to 1/5 before that.
THAT DOES NOT MAKE THEM BAD CHILDREN. THEY SHOULDN'T BE STIGMATISED, BUT ACCEPTED FOR WHO THEY ARE -they are the same, but different.
They are amzing kids but traumatised. Chrpnic negect and abuse can have lifelong affects that cannot be healed in one generation alone. But there is always hope.
But I do believe saying that some (NOT ALL) kids can function like all other kids is like saying that a profoundly autistic child can function like all other kids - not true. This of course applies to all traumatised kids not just CLA