to be fusked off with people's perception of children in care?

[LoopyLoops]

Not a thread about a thread, but inspired by one, whereby it was suggested that foster children are a danger to others.

Children in care are vulnerable and by default disadvantaged in many ways. 35% of the population goes to uni, whereas only 3% (1% until recently) of care leavers do.

Attitudes towards fostered children range from sympathetic to contemptuous.

I'll give you an example. Drinking with a neighbour recently, talking about childhood. He stated "but I don't believe you LoopyLoops, you can't have been in care, you own a nice house and are married..." Now, he wasn't saying this in a "wow! aren't you great" way, but in a genuine "I don't believe you, you're making it up" way. So, I gather the assumption is that care leavers will never achieve, won't own their own homes and won't have happy family lives as adults.

AIBU that this pisses me off?

I don't really agree with fostering and adoption coming before IVF for everyone. some people have a really big, natural, human urge for their own child.

For me personally, I'm considering both options.

My point is, that, as thousands of children urgently need loving homes, before putting your body, your partner and your family through the rigours of IVF, a proper examination of adoption and IVF should take place before they are ruled out.

sorry, should read "adoption and fostering", not "adoption and IVF".

I just don't see how that is do-able.

And as lots of people want an actual baby of their own, and so few babies are available, then what people are seeking is not readily available via adoption and fostering.

Plus as far as I know, the process is lengthy, whereas the IVF process often isn't.

Yes, I think the system needs changing so it takes less time.

Definately. I can see there is a need to check that a family is suitable/safe etc, but more resources need to be put in place for this to all happen more quickly.

I've heard it can take a couple of years to get approved to adopt?

My local council website says 6 months to be approved for fostering.

This makes me angry because a baby is only a baby for 3 years a child your child is for life so why is it better to have a doner egg than adopt a child?

Really i just dont get it. There are children needing homes and families and people decide to bring another life into the world to please their own needs when having children should be about the child.

"Did they not offer you halls OTT?
What did you do in the holidays?
What about books, course expenses etc?
Did you feel emotionally supported?"

No it was too late for me to enter halls.

In the holidays i had to work 2 jobs to pay my rent, and stayed in my flat near the uni.

I got a small grant £250 for my books and my SW actually came with me to look and get second hand furniture for my flat.

I managed not to rely on a student loan, i had 2 part time jobs even when studying and did some extra work on T.V. which helped a lot.

I didn't feel emotionally supported by SS as a whole, i did have a great YW, but my SW was having a breakdown towards the end of my time being with him, that was really damaging.

I did have some great ex teachers who used to send me food parcles and stationary though , so i coped fine.

Some pleople try for years to het pg what is wrong with waiting to adopt?

There is nothing wrong with waiting to adopt. but like I say, it's more complex than just saying 'people should examine adoption before IVF' because wanting your own child is a basic human instinct which is very strong in some popel. It is emotional, not necessarily logical.

Wow OTT, you did well to have no loans (says she with 22K debt). Still, sounds like they could have done a lot better. How do you think it should be?
What lovely teachers! :)

Witchcat - you don?t need a big house to adopt?

Fostering/adoption guidelines say child needs own bedroom.

I would love to foster, I think I'm right in saying they have to be younger than ant DC you have? So have a few years until I will be in a position to.

Also I suspected I will get very attached and just end up adopting them...

No, they don't have to be younger, though it is often advised.

don't post very often but thought I would add my tuppence worth to this one as mummy to my amazing nearly 5 year old DD who just happens to be adopted too.

When found out we couldn't have children 'naturally' we were devastated and although we had previously decided we didn't want to go down the IVF route when it was the only option for a child which was biologically ours suddenly it became massively more attractive - wasn't to be though and thankfully I got to avoid all those injections!

We adopted because we couldn't imagine our future without children and my DD has brought nothing but joy [vomit smiley!] What I will add is that we had a full year of hell with Social Workers - enough to mean that we won't do it again even though DD would love a little bro or sis and I would love another littly

Ah... Will bear that in mind, thanks loopy (house still too small though, only 2 bed at the mo)

Its hard really, to say how it should be, because obviously everyone has different needs.
I could of done with a support system, and offical one, more for my emotional needs really, as i was managing to work out the practical side of things fine.

It might of been better to live in supported accomodation for a while when i moved, but i coped well on my own.

I did have access to the therapist onsite, but i didn't want to been seen as odd etc starting out IYKWIM, so i struggled to get the right help for a while, and still have some anxiety issues from not knowing what to do when i needed help back then.

I feel lucky that i had the option to go, however, i pretty much had to work flat out to get what i got, and even then, i was constantly getting calls from a SW that i didn't know, asking me how the course was going If i mentioned any problems etc, i was always then immediately asked, " so are you leaving then? or " does that mean your giving up?" - that was very helpful and inspiring

IME there are a lot more SS workers that are waiting for young people in care to trip up and do the wrong thing, worst of all, they then go on to preach about how they told everyone so, and that they weren't suprised, instead of actually helping the individual learn from mistakes or making enough effort in providing them with the appropriate professional help or even the right carer.

When I was a child my DM and DF were foster parents.

I think they fostered about 60 children during the first 12 years of my life.

Some of these children were a danger to others and some had a lot of problems, mainly those forcibly removed from abusive parents.

One lit a fire under the bunk beds.

The worse one I remember removed the eyes from both of my twin tiny tears.

But most of them were just like any other children.

The worst part of it was when they had to leave.

How do you feel about having so many foster children live with you Lynli, when you were so young?
Im not sure how to take your post, would be different in person im sure.

Fostering children is really not the same as having your own; yes children in care often do have issues, things have happened in their lives that have made it impossible for whatever reason to stay living with their family, they may have had experiences that none of us would wish on our own children. So it is a bit different, a bit harder, for foster parents. But good foster parents can and do help children to overcome thier past and help them become great adults. I've worked with children living in really good childrens homes, but living in a family is so much better all round.

Are you allowed to adopt/foster if you are trying to conceive or undergoing IVF? Or do you have to choose?

I very much doubt it hairy, I think it would have to be one way or the other, but I'm not sure.

Lynli, the same can be said for the birth children IME.

I've been fostered in quite a few families. Some of their own children were a danger to themselves and others. One spat in my face and told me I was invading her family. Another family treated their children so differently (en suite rooms with locks on doors when we had dirty shared bathroom with no window, their own keys to the locked fridge, cupboard and kitchen etc.) that their children were simply unbearable. But mostly they were just children. That's the thing, kids are kids, and a product of their environment.

The point of this thread was to highlight and change the negativity towards fostered children. Has anyone any ideas how perception can be changed?

Personally I think that higher expectations from professionals (SWs, youth workers, teachers etc.) would be a start. If it is expected that a child will fail, the chances are they will. We need to believe in these children, and show them that we have some aspirations for them, not assume that they are going to have behavioural difficulties and therefore be delinquents.

YADBU

I have had evil looks, been sacked and lost friends when people have found out I was in care.

Fuck

YAD NOT BU.