to be ambivalent about contributing to nursery fees

[olderyetwider]

We are proud grand-parents to new GS, 6 weeks old, and utterly lovely. Mum (DiL) who is also lovely is returning to work FT after Christmas and GS will go to local nursery. His Dad (our DS) works shifts and both of them work hard.

DS has asked us to make a regular contribution to nursery fees, as they can afford the nursery, but things will be fairly tight. We could afford it, with some economies, but I'm undecided about what to do.

If we don't contribute I'll feel that I'm being tight fisted and prioritising my lifestyle over my family. I also don't want them to struggle financially when we could help.

On the other hand, DS is talking about spending money on things that I think of as luxuries, and I felt a bit resentful that we were, in effect, being asked to subsidise his wants, rather than needs.

I'm also concerned that if we do contribute I'll sort of feel that what they spend money on is my business (see above) and that wouldn't be good for our relationship.

Probably not an AIBU, more a what would you do? Any advice? Help me sort this out in my head?

Definitely NBU. Their child, their expense I'm afraid. I actually think they have a real cheek asking this of you.

Hmm, I can see your point, could you offer to have your GS for say one day a week as a compromise instead of paying towards the nursery fees?

Don't know if that's practical or possible, but I'd feel a bit put out being asked if you feel you'd have to make some cuts to do it but he's paying for 'luxuries' - what kind of thing do you mean?

Definitely NBU. I agree with roulade...they were bloody cheeky to even ask you.

What luxuries is DS talking about buying? Just to make sure we agree that they are luxuries and not his gas bill

Another thought, if they can't afford the nursey fees if she returns to work would they be better off if she didn't return, or went back part time?

YANBU I would never dream of asking my parents to contribute to the cost of childcare!! ....to babysit once in while, yes...to contribute to nursery fees definitely not

Nooo. I think stay out of the nursery fees. And I think you're quite right here: "I'm also concerned that if we do contribute I'll sort of feel that what they spend money on is my business (see above) and that wouldn't be good for our relationship." ...resentment could easily build up.

Maybe (if you feel you want to) help in other ways when you can. I don't know the odd £20 towards a winter coat/school shoes/holiday money.
Or how would you feel about having your GS an afternoon a week.
I really don't think you have to do any of that btw - just if you're feeling you should be doing something.

Don't do it unless you can afford it and WANT TO. I can't believe he asked. I'm not a grandparent, so would be in your son's boat and I think that it really cheeky. Just say no! If they can afford it they will do it and just trim the fat.

OMG thats very cheeky of him IMO!! Has this come out of the blue, like they expected all along thats what they would do?

do you live local to them, could you offer to have the baby one day a week or soemthing so that their fees are lower?

I would not do this - i would help out if they were struggling to feed mouths, and give gifts/money for the baby, but if they can afford the luxuries, they can afford nursery

your DS needs a stern lecture in responsibilities and budgeting now he has a child to consider!

Personally I would help if they were in dire finanicial straits and it was the difference between them going under or not. I wouldn't let family lose their home or suffer. Other than that though, their child, their expense.

Oh I type too slow, where did you lot come from!

YANBU, their child their expense. And pretty cheeky of them to ask unless they were literally on the breadline and you were in the lap of luxury.

If you're willing and able, you could offer to have GS one day a week instead of making an actual financial contribution?

D

Very cheeky of them to ask...If you offered thats a different story.

Its their child they have to work out their finances, not you..

If I was you I'd ask for a contribution in my pension lets see if he would be happy to pay it!

I don't think he's being cheeky - cheeky doesn't even begin to cover it! I think it's fairly outrageous.

I wouldn't start paying towards regular outgoings for them. It will become expected and relied upon and then you are committed to paying in the future.

Have you any other children? because if you start paying towards one child you have to consider paying towards them all...

I did not want to say the bit about DIL staying at home instead of going back to work Sarsaparilllla cos i did not want it to turn into a for/against working mums thread

But it is something they should have thought about very seriously and done their homework on - its not your job to subsidise their lifestyle - where would the line be drawn?

"I'm also concerned that if we do contribute I'll sort of feel that what they spend money on is my business (see above) and that wouldn't be good for our relationship."

I think that is the crux of it really - perhaps you just have to be honest with them & explain why you don't think it would work. If you end up feeling that you are contributing to your sons lifestyle and luxuries, that wouldn't be good for any of you. Giving money with strings, even unintentional strings, will cause lots of grief.

I'm sure there are other less 'invasive' or committed ways you can help them out financially as and when it feels right.

WWID? - I'd be delighted if any of my family wanted to chip in for nursery fees, but can't imagine that ever happening. As for giving family members money, it would be very difficult for me to give family members money with strings attached - if I couldn't do it unconditionally I think it would cause problems in our relationship & I wouldn't want to do it.

just had a thought - I hope the OP is genuinely the grandma and not the DIL on here hoping for some support in the face of MIL not wanting to hand out lots of cash to them! that would be funny!

cheeky buggers

For context, I'm going to tell you my situation. I went back to work after DD was born. MIL (local) took DD one day a week. My parents (200 miles away, divorced) got together and decided to each offer me an amount that, added together, more-or-less matched one day a week's nursery fees. Their thinking was that, were they local, they would have like to have been able to take DD for that day.

We never asked either MIL or parents for their help. I was particularly about accepting the financial contribuition but my parents can be quite insistent and would genuinely have been offended. I have always stressed to both sides of the family that should anything change to make their help more difficult for them then they were to speak up immediately and it would stop with no resentment on our part and we would find another way to manage.

IMO your son is totally out of order to ask for help. Particuarly financial help. I might be more understanding if he'd asked for you to take GS yourself but I still don't believe that this kind of assistance should be requested. It just leads to problems and resentment.

You are in no way being tight fisted. You've already spotted the strain that this kind of thing will put on your relationship.

GPs can be invaluable in providing help in the form of emergency childcare, weekends away for DPs (depending on your own health
/location/availability of course) and, if able, buying some of the "big" purchases/presents. If you are already making this regular committment I suspect that this type of one-off support would either disappear or cause you to feel put upon.

HTH (sorry it's long!)

Its up to them to sort themselves out and to live within their means. What happens if they have another baby? Will they want help with that one too?

As someone else said, its lovely if a GP can help occasionally-maybe say you will buy him winter coats or new shoes when he needs them, if you want to. But to ask for regular payments is BVU.

YANBU. I could never ask for regular money from my own parents, let alone my PIL! For the sake of decency I'm going to assume this was your son's idea, obviously, but if DP ever suggested that there's no way I'd allow him to ask!

MAybe offer your son a little finiancial advice, if you think that he'll accept it, and mention that you think there could perhaps be some areas they could think about cutting back on, as you'd really be stretching yourself to make a regular contribution.

I agree with others - if you can, maybe an offer to buy some things he will need every now and then will help. My PIL also take my DS (and sometimes DD) at times if we have to go to doctors appointments, as they live nearby, although we don't have a regular time every week that they see them. How close are you to your DS and DIL? Would you be able to offer to babysit every now and then instead if it's convenient?

Still can't believe they've asked that! I'd actually be embarrased if my PIL (or even parents) offered.

YANBU - What a cheek. Where you surprised when he asked? I know of some GPs who always bought their GCs shoes, which can be a great help. Or have him half a day a week, or agree to collect him from nursery and feed him tea if they are working late.

I agree with several posters, it is their child not yours. It is not your job/ role to provide money for childcare. If you are in a position to help out by babysitting or looking after GC one day a week great. Definete No to contribution.

I'm glad you don't think I'm being mean to even consider not contributing. I do want to help out, they live really near us, I love DIL dearly, and know she wants to return FT. I can't babysit as DH and I work FT (sneaky MNing when supposed to be working from home, so will disappear for a bit soon)

Luxuries aren't massive, but new TV, phone upgrade, that sort of thing.

We have Child Benefit for now, for 2 other GC who live with us, (till new rules) which we could manage without. I did wonder whether to offer that, until it goes, as a bit of income redistribution. I'd probably feel less like that was my money, and so less likely to feel entitled to a view on how it's spent IFYSWIM

I think it was a bit rude of him to ask.

Maybe, if you like to and are able to, you could offer to look after your grandson one day a week. Good for you as you get to spend time with him; good for him as he gets to know you better and bond with you; good for them as it saves them money.

YANBU.

My mum and MIL were my childcare when my DC were under school age, but that was because they offered. I had my eldest's name down for nursery before he was born, but when he was born both my mum and MIL jumped in and said they didn't want him to go into daycare and they would share the childcare between them.

I was lucky that they were local and both retired and physically able to look after him (or them when the other two came along). But I would never have asked, and I certainly would never have asked for a financial contribution to nursery fees!