to be ambivalent about contributing to nursery fees

[olderyetwider]

We are proud grand-parents to new GS, 6 weeks old, and utterly lovely. Mum (DiL) who is also lovely is returning to work FT after Christmas and GS will go to local nursery. His Dad (our DS) works shifts and both of them work hard.

DS has asked us to make a regular contribution to nursery fees, as they can afford the nursery, but things will be fairly tight. We could afford it, with some economies, but I'm undecided about what to do.

If we don't contribute I'll feel that I'm being tight fisted and prioritising my lifestyle over my family. I also don't want them to struggle financially when we could help.

On the other hand, DS is talking about spending money on things that I think of as luxuries, and I felt a bit resentful that we were, in effect, being asked to subsidise his wants, rather than needs.

I'm also concerned that if we do contribute I'll sort of feel that what they spend money on is my business (see above) and that wouldn't be good for our relationship.

Probably not an AIBU, more a what would you do? Any advice? Help me sort this out in my head?

YANBU. That's really cheeky IMO. Hold on to your money and save it for a time when you or they might genuinely need it...

If the GC you have living with you are his then I think he's being even more cheeky to even suggest this?? Does he contribute financially for these children, you mentioned you get the child benefit but I'm guesssing everything else you provide?

I think he needs to grow up and take his responsibilities a bit more seriously.

YANBU, it was wrong of DS to ask.

though if you had offered that would have been an appropriate offer of help.

OYW - It seems to me you are already doing more than your fair share by taking care of your son's other children. It is beyond unreasonable to ask you to contribute to the nursery fees as well. Reading between the lines I am also guessing you don't think they are very careful with money. I would be massively annoyed if I was being expected to contribute to nursery fees for someone else's child and they then spent money in a way which I thought was anything other than very careful indeed.

I have not read all replies so apologies for any cross-posting.

YANBU. Not an acceptable request from your DS IMHO. If both are working full-time then nursery fees should realistically be covered. And at the end of the day, their choice to have a family.

Do they get childcare vouchers through work? These can really help twoards the cost of childcare, so they shoudl be looking into that.

In terms of having DGS one day a week. My DS went to nursery 4 days a week. The way the fees worked out, it was almost as expensive to do that as if he had gone full time. The nursery have two levels of fee arrangements. Either full week or daily. 1 daily fee was more than 1/5 of the full week fee. So, I paid almost the same as my friend whose son was there 5 days. Offering to have your DGS might not make things cheaper for them. Just a word or warning!

Can I ask how much money they want from you a month? The situation seems very difficult. If you are already looking after 2 of your DS's children, who DIL is not the mother of, DIL may feel that her child is "not good enough". I know that would be incorrect, but it may be her perception.

A regular contribution is dangerous - what happens when the child finishes nursery - perhaps you will be expected to continue contributing, but you contribution will be dressed up as something else for your GS.

Then what if they have another child?

Do you DS and DIL think you are rolling in money? (quite apart from the misplaced sense of entitlement they seem to have!).

Here is what happens in my case which might be of interest:

At the moment my mum the DGP travels up from the sticks to London once a week to look after her DGC (she is a commuter granny!). I pay her train fares (which comes out at about the same as a day at nursery actually). NB I keep suggesting once a week is too much (for her), but she won't listen!

Whilst she is looking after DS she does little jobs (takes things to the drycleaners etc) - frankly this is just as helpful IMO as paying nursery fees etc

So you could say you'd do a day a week (and pay your own train fare if there was a financial issue and you lived far away from them) ... if you wanted to, obviously.

Does your son pay you to look after his other kids? CB does not cover everything you need and then what happens when it is removed in 2013?

You do more than enough for them and DIL's parent's should be asked, not just you. Although I don't think anyone should be asked.

runmeragged, you have hit the nail on the head in some ways, I don't want DIL to feel that her children (I think they'll have at least one more) mean less to me than the other two, but because they live with us they are our financial responsibility in a way that her baby isn't.

I also do really want to help out, but the regular nursery fees are a commitment, which I'm not sure I want to make. I will certainly offer lots of one-off financial help as needed (coats, shoes, school trips, etc) loads of babysitting etc, and we paid the deposit on their house so they could rent a 2 bed.

BUT we could manage it (economies would be by cutting back on our luxuries, not essentials) so I feel mean. As soon as I've got it straight in my head I'll talk to him, but still ambivalent!

Is there something going on where your DS gives you maintenance for his other children and maybe he feels (rightly or wrongly) that it is too much? Otherwise I can't see how there is any way he can feel it is appropriate to ask you for a contribution for childcare for another child. As an adult he should be standing on his own two feet and paying his way. It seems like there is more going on here than you can say.

I think you are being very wise to think about how this will affect your relationship as well as just the financial costs. Too many people say yes to help out and then it backfires in all sorts of ways.

Wow, if you are already caring for his children from a previous relationship then I think he is being doubly cheeky!

Of course you want to treat all of your GC equally. You can do this by taking all 3 DC out together for nice treats as the baby gets older. Or even, if you could fit it around your work commitments, looking after the baby one day a week. It does not necessarily mean subbing their parents when you have to go without in order to afford it.

Are the children you look after his?

"I will certainly offer lots of one-off financial help as needed (coats, shoes, school trips, etc) loads of babysitting etc, and we paid the deposit on their house so they could rent a 2 bed."

I think that's your answer. And MN is 100% behind you. Why the ambivalence?

camdancer, no contribution from either parent for GCs, we took them on happliy, and don't expect it. We are delighted that he has a lovely new partner, and new family, but I guess I do feel we're doing our bit already. BUT, none of it's DIL's fault, and I do want to be supportive

Unfair of him to put you in the position where you're going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Perhaps unknown to him you could put money aside each month to help with some big expenses as time goes on... but paying for nursery fees while they're on about new tellys and phone upgrades?! No way!

Thanks MN! Not going to do it. Will do all we can to help in other ways, and will stop feeling guilty about own (not massivley rich)lifestyle, as we were short of money when DS was young, and now we're better off. That's just how it is, isn't it?

Bloody hell, you sound like a saint. Most people wouldn't get anything like that level of support from their parents - and wouldn't expect it either. I think you should beware of your ds and dil taking advantage a bit - and watch out for emotional blackmail.

Sorry to sound cynical but you already seem to have gone above and beyond the usual duty of a gp. And good for you - if it makes you happy. But if you are feeling put upon this is not fair.

My parents only live 4 miles away and up until two years ago my mum worked pt. I still don't ask for more than a babysitting favour once a month. Even then I feel lucky to have them!

X post... good for you older. Enjoy your money and freedom, as your ds and dil will too one day.

Your son sounds like he has a huge sense of entitlement.

Tbh I am disgusted that he pays no maintenence to the others and yet still expects financial help towards this one

he is taking the piss.

Our ds's grandparents (all four of 'em) live in a different country and we have never had any financial help from them, nor would we expect it. Did he just come out and ask, though? Or is there more to this than meets the eye e.g. there is a long-standing history of you providing financal get-outs etc that would lead him to believe this was a reasonable thing to ask?

I find it interesting that people think it's ok for a grandparent to provide childcare but not to pay for it? For a lot of these women, providing day-to-day care really impacts on what they do with their own lives and can be very hard if there are any health issues etc. Money can be a lot easier with reference to dynamics. Personally, I think it's just as bloody cheeky to ask your parents to take care of your dc when they are at a stage in their lives that they are free of the day-to-day drudgery of it. They should be enjoying their golden years and while time with grandchildren is precious, they deserve to be able to do the "fun stuff" rather than the high-energy caring/discipline stuff etc.

We know people who are very that we don't have enough money to move to a 3-bed house or holiday as we pay for childcare. Several of them leave their children with GP's and expect them to carry out this work for free. It amazes me how people with free childcare from GP's don't value it as much as they would money.

bloody hell - you already have full time care of 2 of his kids? and he's asking you to help finance his new baby too

when it comes to the "fairness" of your money and how you spend it on the DGCs, how about reminding him of the "fairness" he owes his other DCs - time, money, access etc

I see this as the beginning of a whole lot of other trouble, now they have "their" new baby as opposed to "his" kids

has your DS always had the same sense of entitlement? have you always picked up after him? time he grew up a bit methinks

"DS has asked us to make a regular contribution to nursery fees, as they can afford the nursery, but things will be fairly tight"

YANBU - what a cheek.

though I disagree with "If she cant afford childcare, she shouldnt go back to work"

to whoever said it, why should she ?

You have been incredibly generous to your DS already. |He works full time and contributes nothing to the cost of his first 2 children's upkeep and then has the nerve to ask for even more assistance. Enough.

I would be turning it on him, something along the lines of,, " actually DS, we were going to suggest you start contributing to YOUR 2 other children, you know so we can put some money away for them, or use it for basic essentials."

How Effing dare he ask you for this!
Why are HIS kids not living with HIM?
Is this his long term plan? to have them living with you until they grow up, or until he wants them under his own roof?
How old is your DS op? I can't quite believe what i am reading tbh.
You deserve a sodding saint hood.

What a bloody cheek!

And why is he having another baby with another woman in a different house before making sure he had his kids back with him?!