to be ambivalent about contributing to nursery fees

[olderyetwider]

We are proud grand-parents to new GS, 6 weeks old, and utterly lovely. Mum (DiL) who is also lovely is returning to work FT after Christmas and GS will go to local nursery. His Dad (our DS) works shifts and both of them work hard.

DS has asked us to make a regular contribution to nursery fees, as they can afford the nursery, but things will be fairly tight. We could afford it, with some economies, but I'm undecided about what to do.

If we don't contribute I'll feel that I'm being tight fisted and prioritising my lifestyle over my family. I also don't want them to struggle financially when we could help.

On the other hand, DS is talking about spending money on things that I think of as luxuries, and I felt a bit resentful that we were, in effect, being asked to subsidise his wants, rather than needs.

I'm also concerned that if we do contribute I'll sort of feel that what they spend money on is my business (see above) and that wouldn't be good for our relationship.

Probably not an AIBU, more a what would you do? Any advice? Help me sort this out in my head?

so, this is a permanent relationship where you have taken on (two?) previous children, and now there is a third with a new partner (and probably will be a fourth) that you are also going to be expected to finance.

he must be chuffed to ribbons that you're his mum and not me, tbh.

so difficult, op. but there is a limit as to how supportive you can be. when cb stops for these children, what is your expectation of ds's responsibility? what is his expectation? has he effectively signed them over to you? does he have a parent relationship with them, or have you effectively adoped them? things might get a lot more tricky for you anyway soon, with the original children wondering why daddy has kept the new baby but not them... is this likely to awaken a new responsibility in your son?

we all make mistakes in life (and apparently his teen marriage was one of these learning experiences) but as adults we have to deal with them. not hand them over to your mum to tidy up when it becomes clear it will affect, y'know, the rest of your life. (and apparently your life, as well.)

let them pay their own bills. and get them both to sit down with you in the near future to properly discuss the finance side of your existing arrangement. (not suggesting you ask him for money - you have made peace with your decision to take on his children) and also discuss what happens if you get run over by a bus tomorrow - i assume he and dil will take on his children in their new family? i know it's all a bit specious - but i think he needs a little reminder of how much you are doing for him already - without him trying to even out the 'fairness' between your financial contributions to your grandchildren.

in our family, my parents paid for one day a week of nursery for dd2. they didn't contribute at all for the previous two. (i went back to college and dd2 has cerebral palsy, the nursery were employing a 1-1 carer and they needed her full time. we didn't ask, they offered.)

Agree with Bolter.

Demand namechange to olderyetwiderbutdefinitelysaintly

or similar..

Also, and please don't take the wrong way, are you actually allowing your son to stand on his own two feet? Presumably as his marriage was a teen one he has always been reliant on you?

Also, maybe have a word with, or write to DiL just highlighting that her baby has equal importance. Unnecessary but it might clear air when you say no.

You sound lovely and they're damn lucky, I've never lived near family and never had luxury of even an unpaid babysit.

They asked you to help pay their DC's nursery fees? What a cheek!

If you had offered, fair play to you that would be a very generous thing to do, but I'm sorry, they brought this child into the world it is up to them to pay for him.

You've raised your DC already and shelled out money for them, they need to look after their own DC themselves. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for being hesitant.

Just read that you paid the deposit on his house, so I think you have already made your contribution to the new grand child's welfare. Time for your son to take responsibility for his own family.

Sorry but your son sounds like a selfish arse who is happy to dodge any responsibility he can because you have been so kind hearted in the past and bailed him out whenever nessicary.

Think you need to have a serious serious talk with him about the fact that his children are his responsibility, and should be a drain on his finances, not yours.

Quite for you. He's really taking the piss.

Does the dil not have parents who could help out? Why is this all falling on you? Why in all hells should you, your dh and your ds's existing children forfeit your lifestyle to support the new baby?

I would have never asked my ils or my mum for regular financial help. They chose when ds was born to buy between them the cot, the pram/pushchair and my Dad bought the travel cot, but I didn't ask them to do so, although I was very grateful that they did.

When ds was born, we made do and things that I would previously have spent on, like books, went by the wayside and I used the library.

If you are already supporting his two other children, without a contribution from him, then he has as others have said, an almighty cheek. I would get wills in place ensuring those kids were provided for, and I wouldn't make him an executor or a trustee either.

What Boob said. I'm cross on your behalf too as think it's incredibly rude for your DS to ask for a contribution to nursery fees. He and his DW decided to have a child and that child is their financial responsibility, not yours.

*though I disagree with "If she cant afford childcare, she shouldnt go back to work"

to whoever said it, why should she ?*

I mentioned that, I meant it in the context of them thinking through the different options of how they could support themselves/their child rather than assuming her going back to work full time but asking for extra help was the only answer.

Between the DS and DiL surely they should've thought about their different options and how they could/would cope financially before the baby arrived - not waited until she wanted to go back to work to realise it would be tight and ask the OP for help.

Surely considering that as an option would just show they'd thought through all angles of how this could work for them? It wouldn't neccesarily work, but doesn't sound like they've even thought of all possibilities and want to be bailed out financially by the OP instead of thinking of possible ways round it themselves.

Many thanks to all of you for your replies, you have all helped loads, and I'm not doing it, but please let me just set the record straight about DS, who is sensible and responsible (now), and thought very carefully about the impact on his other children of the new baby, and is very good with them.

I won't go into details about why the kids came to us, as that wouldn't be right, but he does have a great relationship with them (as does DIL).

Once I say no to the nursery fees, DS won't mention it again, or be in any way difficult about it, I just needed to get it straight in my head before I said no.

Just to say what flamingpants said.. and I am trying to do so as gently as I can, so hope you read this as it's intended.

It sounds like you've been bailing him out a lot. I can see how it happened but you need to step back now.

This happened with one of my aunts who had an unplanned pregnancy in her late teens. She is in her 50's now and her kids are grown but as one of them has mental health issues, my grandmother is still heavily involved and pretty much takes charge when it comes to my 30 year old cousin's mental health problems.

I can see with my aunt/grandmother that it is a very complex relationship. My aunt will sometimes be horrendous to my grandmother and accuse her of being controlling etc but will run to her for help in a heartbeat. My grandmother is, well, pretty controlling and will also run to her daughter's every beck and call. What I am saying is that there were two of them perpetuating a dynamic where my aunt was quite dependent and not behaving as an adult. The fact that has continued into my aunt's 50's is a shame for both of them.

I wonder if it would help you to talk this through with someone - am thinking a life coach or something similar? Do you think you are overinvolved in your son's life?

Again, I am not trying to criticise you. He shouldn't be asking: he should be standing on his own two feet. However, we can only really change ourselves when adult relationships are concerned so it's one to think about maybe?

Sorry crossposted with you there.

What a bloody cheek!!

I worked full time and paid for two kids at private nursery (at one stage both of them were at nursery for over a year together) that was a real struggle but DH and I would never dream of asking for a handout. Now if it had been offered......!!

What if other grandchildren come along (do you have other children who might produce?). Nip this one in the bud or you're on a slippery slope.

I coudn't even imagine asking somethign like that

Surley child care and its costs shoudl have been factored in to their decision to have a child?

YANBU, but if you have your other 2 GC living with you, might there be some underlying, unresolved resentment there? Have no idea what your situation is, but just a thought.

Oops, thread moving too fast for me!

In fact, having realised I missed out about 3 pages, ignore everything I said...

YAstillNBU, though

I think I would offer to help out if I thought ds and his dp (erm, not that he has one. He's 10!) could do with the money and I could spare it.

However, you already have two gcs with living with you. You have taken a lot on, where others wouldn't. That's enough, imo.

"It amazes me how people with free childcare from GP's don't value it as much as they would money"

I valued my mum and MIL giving us free childcare enormously. However I wouldn't have asked them to do it as I know that they have their own lives. They offered as they both saw playing a large part in their GC's lives as part of what they wanted to do with their retirement. It probably helped that there is a family history of GPs helping with childcare, DH was looked after by his GPs so that MIL could go out to work, my sister and brother were looked after by our GPs so that my mum could go out to work and my mum was looked after her GPs so that her mum could go out to work. No doubt if my DC still live close enough when they have children I will do the same!

Offering is different, though..

olderyetwider Good on you for not doing it, it seems that you have done more than enough already.
I am well aware that no Mother likes to hear their DCs being slated, but he was really cheeky to ask, in my opinion.
So, well done you, and congratulations on your new Grandchild.

I don't think the OP should be forced to subsidise them but bloody hell...

Their child their responsibility

If she cant afford childcare, she shouldnt go back to work

Have I stepped back into the 1950s? Why TF is it automatically the mother's problem only? 'Their' became 'she' pretty bloody quickly then

Don't feel guilty for saying no. You have already paid the deposit on their house and are raising 2 of your sons children.

Don't worry that you will be seen to favour the children who live with you over the one who does not. The new baby has a mother, I'm guessing that the other 2 do not and you have taken over that role. Children deserve to be loved equally and be fairly treated, but that does not necessarily mean they should be treated exactly the same. You alter what you do to fit the particular circumstances of the child.

I can't believe the cheek and total sense of entitlement of your DS, and I can be a right cheeky cow at times myself and yet I would never ask my parents for this.

I am speechless.

If I were the 'lovely' DIL I would be completely mortified and humiliated at the DH asking you that, and I would be hugely embarrassed that maintenance is not currently being paid for the other two and insisting that it was.

yanbu. what a whopping sense of entitlement to think that you should cut back your luxuries so he doesn't have to cut back on his