to be ambivalent about contributing to nursery fees

[olderyetwider]

We are proud grand-parents to new GS, 6 weeks old, and utterly lovely. Mum (DiL) who is also lovely is returning to work FT after Christmas and GS will go to local nursery. His Dad (our DS) works shifts and both of them work hard.

DS has asked us to make a regular contribution to nursery fees, as they can afford the nursery, but things will be fairly tight. We could afford it, with some economies, but I'm undecided about what to do.

If we don't contribute I'll feel that I'm being tight fisted and prioritising my lifestyle over my family. I also don't want them to struggle financially when we could help.

On the other hand, DS is talking about spending money on things that I think of as luxuries, and I felt a bit resentful that we were, in effect, being asked to subsidise his wants, rather than needs.

I'm also concerned that if we do contribute I'll sort of feel that what they spend money on is my business (see above) and that wouldn't be good for our relationship.

Probably not an AIBU, more a what would you do? Any advice? Help me sort this out in my head?

*you'd like to

That's true - what if they have more babies?
They really should have thought their finances through.

I think when BIL and SIL have a child that MIL will offer to help with their fees because she looks after ours one day a week and she won'tbe doing that for them - too far away. They are always very keen to treat us exactly equally! Other than that I don't think there should ever be an obligation to help financially.

YASOOOONBU

i can understand if your son had said, "mum we are really struggling at the minute. is tehre anyway you could help us out for this month/next few months and we will pay you back when we are in a better position. but to actually ask you to pay part of his chidlcare fees with no offer of repayment and him still talking about continuing his spending is ridiculous. i think your son needs a reality check. when you creat children you have to cut back your own spending to pay for them.

FindingMyMojo- I agree- unless OP has said to them "we want to do something to help you out, what would you like.." and even then, she'd be within her rights to suggest another way around it, like offering to mind DS, or make a one-off contribution.

You really don't want the way they spend their money to be any of your business, so I agree, you should find a nice way of explaining that it would put you in a difficult position.

Maybe they think you're better off than you are, but I agree, it's a bit of a cheeky request.

Am in shock that they asked

How incredibly cheeky!!

i mean does he intend for this arrangement to continue right through your grandson's childhood? for as long as he will need childcare?

YANBU
my parents are wealthy and at one point i was paying £2k/month in nursery fees. It never occurred to me to ask for "assistance". After all if it doesn't add up to go to work, then simple, take a career break.

my mum helped loads when i had to travel with work, or when dd had suspected chicken pox for the hundredth time and the nursery kept calling me to pick her up grrrr...

but looking back my dad did give us a cheque at christmas, which paid our gym membership for the year, things like that which we probably would have had to stop.

That is fair enough Stealth, I'm sure that my PIL did similar with my SIL's children as they are 200 miles away and so they couldn't look after them. But that still isn't asking!

We have Child Benefit for now, for 2 other GC who live with us, (till new rules) which we could manage without. I did wonder whether to offer that, until it goes, as a bit of income redistribution

No, thats for your GC who live with you, I don't think it's fair that should go to your new GC - your DS and DiL will get child benefit for him already.

I serisously think you should talk to him about whether her going back FT is feasable given it will leave them struggling financially.

Are the GC who live with you part of the problem? I don't know the circumstances, but are they jealous in some way that these GC are having more from you than their DC?

(Feel free to correct me if I am barking up the wrong tree)

I would say to them that you and OH have a policy of not giving money. If GS needs a coat or other items then you will buy him some stuff but not give money for nursery fees.

It is a slippery slope and they will start to rely on your handouts and may well ask for other things in the future.

This child is your son's responsibility and they shouldn't have had him if they knew they couldn't have afforded nursery fees.

I think it is cheeky to of ask as well.

What will her mum and dad be paying?

If you lived near by then you could offer to look after GC for a day or two in the week as this will help you form a bond and spend time with your GC but i would not pay a regular out going for them.

There child their money.

Are they claiming working tax credits etc?

Does either or both employer offer a salary scheme for nursery fees ( both can claim if they do) it means it is deducted before tax up to a threshold.

If they asked you for a contribution to their food shop, or their council tax, or their rent/mortgage on a regular basis while spending money on luxuries, I doubt you would even consider it. This is exactly the same kind of basic expense that needs to be budgeted for before luxuries can be considered.

It would be a marginally different thing if you were perhaps rolling in so much money that you wouldn't miss it (but even then they would be incredibly rude to ask), but it's outrageous that they can ask you this knowing that you would need to make economies - they are basically asking you to make economies so they don't have to! Their sense of entitlement (or just sheer unthinking stupidity if we're being charitable) is laughable.

Say no, in the knowledge that you are absolutely not being unreasonable at all. And then concentrate on putting whatever spare time and money you wish into treats for your lovely grandson, not handouts for your DS and DIL.

Surely, for the time being at least (thinking about it) they will get 70% or so of the costs covered anyway in childcare vouchers? With CTC as well, if they are that hard up they should make sure they are claiming all that they are entitled to, rather than asking you to bail them out when you already have to children under your roof. Is their mental argument that you are spending money on your other DGC, why not theirs?

"Surely, for the time being at least (thinking about it) they will get 70% or so of the costs covered anyway in childcare vouchers? "

have I been missing something for 2 years? On what planet does this happen???????

YANBU. It really annoys me when adult children expect their parents to support them financially. The ones who ask for this kind of support from family usually can't handle their own finances and are spending money on rubbish IME.

A question aside, do you think that DIL knows that your son asked for this money? Tottwriter is right that it could just be your son's idea and DIL might be mortified by it. (My DH once had the cheek to ask his mother for money behind my back and I then had the task of politely turning down a large sum of money on the grounds that he needed to finally learn to stand on his own two feet, pay off his own debts and not go running to mummy when I refused to sub him...)

It's always lovely when our parents give gifts of baby clothing or cash to buy things for DD. But it's a gift, given as and when they can afford it, and not taken for granted. I think you're right that being in this kind of financial arrangement would affect your relationship in a negative way.

It would be better to offer a day or two's worth of baby sitting to cut the nursery fees each week, or to open an account to buy clothing and shoes for DD and contribute to this as and when you can afford it.

Domesticsluttery, they are his children from previous teenage marriage, (long story, that I won't go into in case anyone in RL spots it). Not wholly the wrong tree though, as I want to be as even-handed as possible with all DGC, I also love DIL very dearly, and want her to be able to work if it's what's right for her.

Sorry, not trying AIBU by stealth, just genuinely don't know how I feel about this.

Their child their responsibility

If she cant afford childcare, she shouldnt go back to work

Sorry but they both had 9 months to prepare for things like child care, im sure GS will be more than happy with a walk along the park in his pram,(i know to small at mo),with his grandparents, or feeding the ducks etc, time is a better contrabution to your GS future than money
If you can see yourself accounting for all their future spends, it has already caused problems
Oh and congrats on being a grandma x

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick OP (and know you don't want to dwell on it) but are you saying that you are already effectively bringing up 2 of his children? And he's expecting you to sub the 3rd as well?

ah, so you are already caring for two of his childrn so he expects you to continue that with this baby, albeit financially?

Not wholly the wrong tree though, as I want to be as even-handed as possible with all DGC, I also love DIL very dearly, and want her to be able to work if it's what's right for her.

Do you think this is coming from the DIL?

I can not understand if you already have two of his DC living with you how he has the check to ask for more money from you.

Perhaps you should point out how much you are already doing for him.

It's a difficult one. As someone who can't afford to go back to work because of the nursery fees I would love to have a generous GP to help! I agree that you shouldn't make a regular contribution because of the resentment thing (my mum would be the same!)but being generous with other items would definitely be such a lovely gesture if you can afford it. Our GPs don't give us a bean even though FIL is a millionaire and I'm always a bit jealous of my friends whose GPs buy them car seats and pushchairs and shoes.