to be ambivalent about contributing to nursery fees

[olderyetwider]

We are proud grand-parents to new GS, 6 weeks old, and utterly lovely. Mum (DiL) who is also lovely is returning to work FT after Christmas and GS will go to local nursery. His Dad (our DS) works shifts and both of them work hard.

DS has asked us to make a regular contribution to nursery fees, as they can afford the nursery, but things will be fairly tight. We could afford it, with some economies, but I'm undecided about what to do.

If we don't contribute I'll feel that I'm being tight fisted and prioritising my lifestyle over my family. I also don't want them to struggle financially when we could help.

On the other hand, DS is talking about spending money on things that I think of as luxuries, and I felt a bit resentful that we were, in effect, being asked to subsidise his wants, rather than needs.

I'm also concerned that if we do contribute I'll sort of feel that what they spend money on is my business (see above) and that wouldn't be good for our relationship.

Probably not an AIBU, more a what would you do? Any advice? Help me sort this out in my head?

I presume they both work full time if they need full time childcare for their new baby....

If they both work full time then they really need to pay their own fees.

You don't need to feel guilty about saying 'no' at all. If you already anticipate resentment, that feeling would amplify once it was happening.

I am sure you would help out, if you could, if there was some unseen disaster that put them in crisis, but they aren't in crisis, far from it! We all feel the financial pinch whether it is paying for childcare of managing without one income, and most of us expect to be cutting back on hols or wine or night's out or the wished-for loft extension or new(er) car as a result.

Is there any reason why your DS might think you would help out? Like you are seriously minted or you have offered equivalent help to another sibling?

You don't need to feel as thought you are putting your daughter in law or her children second.

By raising his children from the first marriage and shouldering the burden financial you are already contributing to her family income.

no words.

I am sure you will be wonderfully supportive GPs in many ways without setting up a direct debit to said nursery.

Cheeky bugger! I would never have asked my parents or in-laws to contribute.

I've always been very grateful for when shoes/coats have been bought but never expected it.

I know some grandparents do help with private school fees but really you shouldn't be paying for their childcare. Maybe you could volunteer and do one day a weeks child care instead? Be nice to get to know your grandchild.

Do not pay a penny

it is their child not yours

you have alreay raised your child - this is their turn - we all budget carefully in the early years

nothing to stop you giving good gifts and offering childcare if you want - but do not be tied to a financial contribution to the parenting role

YANBU- and I say this as someone who's dad does actually contribute (a fair bit) to the nursery fees. I only accepted because dad really wanted to do it. My gran looked after me 2d a week when I was younger, and my parents really appreciated it. By the time I had my first child my mum had died and my dad was working FT, but wanted to help me out like gran helped him out. I was reluctant at first, but he insisted.

I am very lucky. Dad can afford to do it, and I try to repay in lots of little ways. BUT to actually ASK for it would have been unthinkable, tbh! I totally understand why you would have reservations about it, and I think you are right to say NO

YANBU, I am horrified that they even asked.

Sat here shaking my head in disbelief that they asked

he has a nerve, hasn't he?

if i had to make econmies to help pay the nursery and he was spending on luxuries, i woould be telling him.
i wouldn't do regular contributions, give him what you want when you want to.
if they can afford nursery, they should look for alternative child care, or flexible working, this is a right in the uk for parents.
feel free to help in other ways, babysitting, buying cloths, whatever...

"please let me just set the record straight about DS, who is sensible and responsible (now), and thought very carefully about the impact on his other children of the new baby, and is very good with them."

I'm not sure how his sense and responsibility manifests itself when he feels able to leave the raising of two of his children to his parents, and asks (ASKS!) his parents to finance childcare for the third. And not because his parents can easily afford it, but asks knowing that this will require his parents to economise.

Sorry OP, but your son is taking the piss.

My MiL really wants to take our DS on full time when I go back to work, but neither me nor DH are entirely sure about it. She used to be a childminder and would want to be paid about £3 an hour for doing it, which is obviously cheaper than a nursery.

I would never ask my parents to pay for anything for DS and DH is the same, the only reason the childcare is even being consider is because MiL is so insistant.

Read first page and a half but scrolled down quick before I forget what I want to say

You say you already have to GC living with you. I am assuming they are not his (the DS you are talking about).

Do you think this is his way of getting 'his share' of money out of you because you are looking after a sibling's children.

Apologies if I have got this all arse up and please ignore if I have.

BTW, bloody cheek. His kid, his responsibility. Presuming they would get CTC anyway?

I agree that he clearly isn't sensible, responsible or any of those things.

His priority should have been his existing children before he had anymore, and failing that he should at the very least be looking to support this new baby without assistance.

Why is your DIL going back to work so soon? If the equation between her salary and the childcare bill is so tight then would she not be better off taking a longer mat leave and at least getting SMP but not needing to pay any childcare?
I know that the childcare isn't her sole responsibility, but if you share finances as a couple then it all comes out of the same pot so it is a moot point which bank account it comes out of.

If she is going back to work because she wants to, then that is entirely her choice and she and your DS should have done their sums before they decided to have a baby.

Well, in my opinion, if you want to make it equal, then maybe your son (and dil) should house and feed all three of his children? Would that sort of equal arrangement be ok for your lovely dil?

I feel for you. Your son must be such a disappointment to you. I dont see how any person in their right mind can expect so much from their parents. He really is taking a piss isnt it.

But I fear it is a a case of you doing this, because you know that for your sons faults and shortcomings, it will be best for your grandchildren in the long run.

Some people eh?

A friend of mine expected his parents to retire from their paid work, to look after his two children for free, so that he and his wife could work full time and not have any childcare costs. The poor little mites spent almost every night at grandmas, because son and dil were going out after work, and were too tired (off their heads) to pick up their kids.... And who paid the parents rent as they were not earning any money, yet still had their rent to pay? The sons unmarried sister who became more and more irate that SHE was in fact subsidising her nephews childcare..... People put up with a lot of shit for their families, because sometimes they know that they are powerless against some people.

yep, arse up, mrsdev. they are his kids she already has living with her.

Ooops. Well bloody flip he has even more of a bleeding cheek!

OP you are seriously considering giving him his DC's child benefit to pay for his other child's nursery fees?

I am assuming (a bit more safer this time) that he isnt paying you anything to look after his kids?

I am astounded and I am not easily astounded. Once you have met my DS's birth mother nothing suprises you, but this has

I dont agree that you should offer one day a week free childminding either. a)it wouldn't be fair to you because you wont be able to go holidays when you like b) it could cause lots other problems i.e sugargate etc .

Dont commit to anything regular. Give what you want and when you want. Plenty oportunities will come: first swimming class, first school uniform, first ballet costume, occasional babysitting, dirty weekend away, sunday childminding' when parents are too tired or got flu (they will kiss your feet then)...

When i look to friends and family members i find that those who have occasional help apreciate it more than those with -entintlement-- regular help.

I too am shocked.

Please don't feel you have to take any notice of this, but your reaction would be interesting. Also, obviously, I don't know the full story as to why his children are in your care, so I apologise in advance if things are much more complicated than I am making them.

Everyone else reading this WWYD?

a) Son and DIL are ready for more children, they can have existing children back.
b)Son and DIL are ready for more children but GC are settled. Ask for maintenance for these children.
c)Son and DIL are having another child, GC are settled with you. They have child and pay for it themselves.
d) Son and DIL have another child. GC are settled with you. Risk stability of existing GC by taking away money reserved for luxuries and give to son and DIL.

I'm sorry, but for my it would be a) or b) without a bat of an eyelid, provided son and DIL were able to provide a safe and stable home. If not, I would be concerned about their ability to provide for GC3.

Yeah, what Loopy said.

It is for sure NOT fair on your teenage gc that they should go without because you are spending THEIR child benefit on new baby...

Jus ta suggestion - could you offer to pay a dd into the new grandchild's CTF each month? (if they still exist)

That way they would see the contributions without being able to get their hands on it (reverts to child when s/he is 18) and might be a way of making a contribution without wondering if they perhaps could cut back on their gym membership/city breaks etc in order to finance nursery...

Not that you are OBLIGED to contribute, but might be a suggestion...