to be ambivalent about contributing to nursery fees

[olderyetwider]

We are proud grand-parents to new GS, 6 weeks old, and utterly lovely. Mum (DiL) who is also lovely is returning to work FT after Christmas and GS will go to local nursery. His Dad (our DS) works shifts and both of them work hard.

DS has asked us to make a regular contribution to nursery fees, as they can afford the nursery, but things will be fairly tight. We could afford it, with some economies, but I'm undecided about what to do.

If we don't contribute I'll feel that I'm being tight fisted and prioritising my lifestyle over my family. I also don't want them to struggle financially when we could help.

On the other hand, DS is talking about spending money on things that I think of as luxuries, and I felt a bit resentful that we were, in effect, being asked to subsidise his wants, rather than needs.

I'm also concerned that if we do contribute I'll sort of feel that what they spend money on is my business (see above) and that wouldn't be good for our relationship.

Probably not an AIBU, more a what would you do? Any advice? Help me sort this out in my head?

Unbelievable! You are bringing up his two children and presumably bearing the financial responsibility too, and he wants you to pay for the childcare of their new baby as well! This is shocking!!!

And I must say it doesn't sound entirely nice that not only is he not bringing up his own children but is also going to put his 3-month-old baby in a nursery, much too early in my opinion unless he really has to.

Sorry if I sound judgmental but your son seems a tad irresponsible in my opinion. If you choose to have children you really need to take responsibility for them, financially anf otherwise!

calling the OP's DS "cheeky" for asking is the understatement of the year.

i'm absolutely appalled that he (or anyone else for that matter) would ask that of their parents unless they were really on the breadline.

any offer of help from a GP in the form of unpaid childcare (which i've always thought is bloody amazing of GPs to commit to) or financial is kind and generous but up to the GP to make - never to be asked unless as already detailed in para 2.

i would be very very upset if it was one of my children doing as your DS has - sorry

Don't pay for ongoing item like nursery fees, if you want to contribute best to contribute to one off eg occasional clothes, toys.

Its their child and their cost. Rude to ask.

I can't believe they asked you to contribute! How cheeky! And baby will be so young when going to nursery...

The OP has said there is more to this than she is willing to say, and wasn't really asking for comments on the current set up.

Agree with DF and Rockbird though - a few people have commented about maybe she shouldn't go back to work - I do agree with the sentiment, but the wording could have been less sexist :o

Assuming the gc that live with the gp know that ds is their father I wonder what they think about not living with him when their half sibling does? That would actually concern me more.

I wouldn't feel guilty about not contributing, you already are doing more than it is reasonable to expect a gp to do. I feel so sorry for you that your ds obviously doesn't see it this way or else he wouldn't have asked in the first place.

As an ancient feminist I would totally defend the right of my DIL to return to work, and as Dad works shifts, nursery won't be full time. Whatever happened to women's career options?

Interesting that DS is getting flamed, and not their mother who hasn't seen them for ages. He did his best; at 18 he couldn't cope with 2 children on his own, so we agreed that it was best for everyone if they came to live with us. They are happy, well adjusted and love both dad and DIL, and Mum, despite everything

We are an extended family (my mum looks after the older GCs three days a week before and after school)and DS/DIL have them when I need child-care, or when they go round to see them.

Re the older children still living with us, they've been with us since they were toddlers, so it feels natural to us, and them, and they're not ready to change things. It could change in the future, but only if it seems right to everyone, especially the children.

But I do feel that I'm doing my bit, and there won't be an issue when I say no, enough is enough, I just needed to decide whether it was an unreasonable request or not (and have decided that it is)

Gosh you must be a very young grandma to have a mother who is still capable of looking after school age children!

I can understand why you wish to defend your ds. All I can say is if my ds did the same with his life and had the same sense of entitlement I would feel that I had failed him and be ashamed of the person he has become. You will obviously do what is right for you but you need to stop feeling guilty.

Olderyetwider - remember this is the AIBU board so no half measures in responses allowed!

Either you are a mean unreasonable mother refusing to support parents of a sweet ickle baby (because parents with a baby top every other deserving cause) OR your son is a scoundrel and should be barred from ever darkening your doorstep again!

Your extended 4 generation family set-up sounds great, and it is perhaps because he has benefitted from such a communal approach to sharing and supporting that he wondered if it spread to sharing cash overheads!

I dont think anybody really means that your dil should not work, only that they are responsible for childcare costs related to their own child. And as they can afford it, but dont want to go without luxuries such as a bigger tv, it is really cheeky to ask you to pay, considering you work full time and would have to give up on YOUR luxuries.

Fwiw, dh and I have spent a year saving for a tv. We had a really old 21 inch tv that we had been given from a hotel that was demolished. No way could we have asked my parents for money. They would have laughed in my face. Despite me caring for them, as mum has alzheimers and my father is paralyzed after a stroke.

Please bear in mind we all have our own opinions based on our life circumstances, so you might not find many people who will agree that it is a sane thing to do.

How old are your children, MollieO? How do you know how it will all turn out? I don't feel that I have failed him, and I'm not in the slightest bit ashamed of him. He doesn't have a 'sense of entitlement'. He asked. I'm going to say no. End of. Just needed to work it through. Shouldn't have put this in AIBU.

By the way, I'm nearly 50 and my Mum's only 72. We're not all old biddies you know!

When dd went back to work they were very hard up as her dh was retraining for a new career.At that time I wasnt well enough to offer time so we paid for one day a week[cm] and other granny paid one leaving them 3 days.as soon as I could I started to have dgs one day a week.I offered to go on paying one day as well but they refused and have never asked for a penny.They are now comfortably off,dd works pt and I still do regular child care.they take us out for meals and buy little pressies etc.I'd hate to feel it was a duty and would be appalled if it was 'expected'.

OP I have one, nearly 6.5. My mum is 75. She is healthy but there is absolutely no way I would expect her to do three days childcare a week and that would be for one child.

I don't know you nor your ds. All I know is what you have posted. From that it appears that your ds does have a tremendous sense of entitlement. If he didn't he would at the very least not have asked you to contribute. Better he would be financially supporting all his children and ideally having them live with him and his wife along with his latest addition.

He is very lucky to have the huge support of yourself and your mother but it doesn't seem from any of your posts that he actually appreciates this.

By the way I am an old biddy and proud of it [66].

Olderyetwider - you sound great. Good on you.

Those who said that DIL shouldn't go back to work - shame on you. Fathers are responsible for childcare too, you know.

Everybody else - stop piling on!

Pranma, nowhere near being biddy according to my Mum, who reliably informs me she is nearly middle aged! (Good job she's fun and lovely if she's going to live that long!)

Ideally both parents should adjust their working hours to cover whatever childcare they need (either at home or CM/nursery etc) and be able to manage it financially between them. Two adults = two potential incomes. A lot easier than trying to manage if you are a single parent without ex or family support.

Blu, dead right, very communal, so deciding what's up for sharing and what's not is difficult, and how much you put family first, and how much you can follow your own desires. It's been great to get 'permission' to be a bit selfish myself.

What I'm going to do with the cash is to get my own horse, instead of sharing with DH, instead of paying nursery fees. Bad Grandma! (will still help in other ways though)

Good on you.

Soon we will have an AIBU here saying "Aibu to be pissed off that my mil has gone and bought herself a blardy horse, rather than help us out with the baby?"

But such is life.

I don't really think it's very fair to be judging the OP's son on the circumstances (which we don't really have full understanding of) that led to the OP taking care of his older children. I think it is a good thing that the extended family all pitch in, and the children sound well cared for. As the OP says- noone has even asked where the mother of these children fits in, just immediately assumed that the son is the bad guy.

OP, you sound like you have a good relationship with your son and DIL, and that saying "no" in this instance will not damage that, and I think that's great. People on here ARE judging, I think, based on their own experience, while actually different families work differently. It sounds to me like you are happy with the status quo and delighted about your new GS (congrats, btw!) Your son seems to us a bit cheeky to even ask, but that may be the kind of relationship you have. You seem to be saying that he will not stamp his feet and storm off when you tell him it's not really something you are able/ want to commit to, so he can't be THAT bad!

I'm glad you've made a decision, and I'm sure they will work out another way. Meantime, enjoy your new gs

And your horse (missed that last post!)

All the GCs are adorable. I love my DS and DIL. He can be a cheeky bugger, but very good at being told so!

Thanks Jooly and Quintessentail, look forward to the my blardy MIL and her blardy horses AIBU!.

Ha- I'll look forward to your "Why did I buy this bloody horse- he is costing me a small fortune in vet's bills!" thread over in pets

I am glad you sorted it out OP. A horse! What bliss

It must have been hard to read your DS getting such a pasting.

Its hard to get stuff across on the internet and it did sound like he was talking the living p*ss. But as you say he isnt and you are actually there as it were, I take your word for it.

As for you looking after his older DCs. I wouldnt flame him for that. I think its the fact you are already doing so much and it seemed that he expected even more that got people going.

I speak as a Kinship Carer myself and I know what its like to be at a certain point in your life and suddenly find you are the carer for a very young child almost overnight.

I am glad you have sorted it out and hope it all goes smoothly. You sound like a pretty amazing mother if you dont mind me saying so.

A horse

Horse is coming on trial for a month. DS and DIL will look after them tomorrow while DH and I go out and enjoy a ride. We have a nice horse friendly pub, so may be some time! (told him no, and he's arranged overtime to cover nursery and DIL 4 days not 5).

The combined wisdom of MN made me put myself first a bit!