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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think women taking

178 replies

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 15:36

their husbands surname when they get married is a completely outdated, archaic practice?

OP posts:
frgr · 10/11/2010 20:42

i felt like it was unreasonable to ask H to change to just my name. i dunno, i felt like a hypocrite - i wasn't prepared to change mine to his, so on what ground could i ask him to do the same? it felt wrong to let him do that (H did suggest this, he wouldn't have had a problem with it).

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 20:46

Ah, but yours is a lovely name, so it's very very different Grin

I had no issue with double barelling, just couldn't be arsed. In my laziness I thought it would make forms and stuff more time consuming and would always be explaining it ove the phone. Think even if I had done it still would have given DCs just the one name though. Although I suppose they can choose later in life to drop one by deed poll and then could double barrel if they got married? See what I mean, too lazy for all this consideration...

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 21:00

Looking at the evidence I conclude:

yes it is an outdated practice, me - NBU

There are many modern alternatives available for those who choose it

At lot of women are happy/willing to change their name to hubbies & to justify doing so

Most blokes get to/keep their name

So that's that then.

OP posts:
Psammead · 10/11/2010 21:08

I actually felt quite excited to change my name.

Don't understand where you are coming from with men 'get to' keep their name. Why is it a bad thing to change your name? It's just a name, nothing physical.

I am not my name. Change my name and you do not change me.

I found it quite fun to change.

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 21:25

But why?? Why do it? Why bother? Why feel that you have to? Why do it at all? If you don't get the Q I can explain it. But heres the thing we all get to choose and if you chose to do it then that's cool.

OP posts:
GoldenHaze · 10/11/2010 21:30

Maiden Name by Philip Larkin seems appropriate to mention :)

Marrying left yor maiden name disused.
Its five light sounds no longer mean your face,
Your voice, and all your variants of grace;
For since you were so thankfully confused
By law with someone else, you cannot be
Semantically the same as that young beauty:
It was of her that these two words were used.

Now it's a phrase applicable to no one,
Lying just where you left it, scattered through
Old lists, old programmes, a school prize or two,
Packets of letters tied with tartan ribbon -
Then is it secentless, weightless, strengthless wholly
Untruthful? Try whispering it slowly.
No, it means you. Or, since your past and gone,

It means what we feel now about you then:
How beautiful you were, and near, and young,
So vivid, you might still be there among
Those first few days, unfingermarked again.
So your old name shelters our faithfulness,
Instead of losing shape and meaning less
With your depreciating luggage laiden.

Psammead · 10/11/2010 21:32

I said earlier on the thread that my maiden name is very foreign here. No-one ever said it right and it was even a nightmare to spell. Couldn't wait to ditch it. Conversely in the UK my married name is a nightmare to say and spell so I use my maiden name when booking restaurants etc.

If DH had had a name I disliked I would not have changed. He could have taken mine if he wanted.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 10/11/2010 21:35

I took my OHs because mine is bloody awful. Couldnt wait to get rid of it!

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 21:38

But did he though? Want to change his name? Guessing not and it probably has nothing to do with funny spelling/ hard to pronounce etcetcetc

Ah Philip Larkin, feminist, liberal, gentle soul that he was... ask Kingsley Amis... visionary...Wink

OP posts:
Psammead · 10/11/2010 21:42

I really think he would have. It's just a name.

GoldenHaze · 10/11/2010 21:52

Hee hee, Waterbaby Grin. Yep, I'm not sure about Larkin Defender of Women either!

4plus1 · 10/11/2010 22:08

I really regret not keeping my maiden name. I didnt think much about it at the time when I got married, but over the years I have missed my old name. My family would be well known locally and I miss that recognition. I dont mean in a silly snobby way just people would say ' oh your one of those xxxx, sure I knew your grandfather/ uncle/ father etc. We are a bit of a clann! I couldnt tell dh this he would probably be offended.

Meow75 · 10/11/2010 22:48

I don't get it, myself.

A name is an arbitrary collection of letters, and the only reason we use them is that it is more practical than "Oy, you!!" not to mention more polite.

We all KNOW that we are no longer the "possessions" of our husbands or fathers, so why all the fuss?

The comment about the use of terms like "Ms" always come up in these discussions too. I KNOW that no-one knows a bloke's marital status unless he is asked, but does it REALLY matter now, in the 21st Century, that someone will know/assume I'm married because I use the title "Mrs" about myself?!?!

Can't help but think that some people are spoiling for a fight where there's no need for a fight to be had.

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 22:55

Well in that case Meow, don't change the name you had at birth because of marriage ( gay or straight), correct?

OP posts:
frgr · 10/11/2010 23:00

Meow, it's about being treated with the same level of respect as my husband is afforded. Why would I want clients and customers to know my marital status? It's irrelevant. Why would I want the local butcher to know I'm married when I order meat from him at Christmas? It's irrelevant. Why would I want the call centre employee who I'm wanting to pay a bill with to point out every time he mentions my name, that I'm married? And so on. Irrelevant in 2010 in the UK - we should be treating each other with the same level of respect these days.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/11/2010 08:31

I don't think the butcher/person in call centre cares either way though. I don't feel I get less respect than my husband because people know my marital status. My DHs wedding ring gives his marital status away too.

Mrsmackie · 11/11/2010 08:42

Yawn - the whole 'Ms debate' is very tiresome. Personally I don't think a woman gets treated any differently whether she uses 'Mrs' or 'Miss' I have worked in businesss for the past 12 years, married, changed surname to DH's and status to 'Mrs' and it hasn't made an ounce of difference. If anything, I think by using 'Ms', a woman is probably judged a lot more!

OnlyWantsOne · 11/11/2010 08:43

YABU

its a choice

if it was some thing forced upon you then that would be different.

emptyshell · 11/11/2010 08:54

I chose to.

Number of reasons behind me making that choice:

  1. My maiden name (God I hate that phrase, it makes me sound all yoghurt-knitty and floaty hair) is really hard to spell and hard for young children in particular to pronounce - I teach supply, and, being honest, it was a blooming pain in the arse to have this name, it constantly be mucked up by people and the kids struggle with it. Hubby's is straightforward so I've been doing things like booking restaurants under it rather than mine for many years.
  2. My maiden name belongs to my first stepfather who proved himself to be a complete waste of oxygen, and viewed the fact I hadn't reverted back to my biological father's surname when he buggered off as some way of him "triumphing" over my mother (pillock didn't quite get I kept my name because it was MY name by then).
  3. I grew up for many years having a different surname to the rest of my family after my mum remarried (see point 2) - I hated it, to the extent that I ASKED aged 9 to change it. I didn't fancy that again, didn't want that for any kids we were going to have (hah hah the irony of the optimism doesn't escape me).
  4. I wanted it to change to mark the start of married life. His is more practical and I wanted to be Mr and Mrs X... couldn't double-barrel since it would have been stupidly long and sounded odd with mine being a McName anyway.
  5. I hate Ms.
MrsDinky · 11/11/2010 09:16

I kept my own name, no pressure from anyone to change it, never even considered changing it, I do think about it when I read threads like this, or other friends get married but have still got no inclination whatsoever to change it. I feel very much a unit with DH and the DCs who have his name, it has never caused any bother or confusion and we're all happy.

As someone else said, if the DCs had my surname, people would probably assume they were mine anad not DH's, whereas no one assumes they are not mine, it is just that I kept my own surname.

Also I hate Mrs.

Each to their own on this one I think.

Serendippy · 11/11/2010 10:06

If you do not want to have the same name as your DH and/or your children, fine. If you do but you don't want to take DH's name, ask him to change his to yours. If neither of you want to change, use deed poll and create a whole new family name. I can understand wanting the same name as DH and kids, it is the way people go about it you seem to have a problem with. I have to argue that lots of people see a name as just a name, one that they often have due to many marriages that have gone on in previous generations, it is chance that brings you to your name and I can see why these people don't think twice about changing it. Maybe it is outdated but so is the notion of being married before having children, there is no real need and yet lots of people like to do it this way, no need to be angry with them. (In fact, there is a whole argument that marriage is in itself outdated so maybe all people who are married are BU, no matter what their name is)

stubbornhubby · 11/11/2010 11:14

as someone said above - it is strange how so few men seem to have surnames that are so difficult to spell, or so dull, or so unlikable for some reason that they take the chance to change their name when they can.

yet so many women do.

MaMoTTaT · 11/11/2010 11:18

sutbborn - my exH (and I now obviously) have a surname this is difficult to spell and say.

But I wanted to take it over my very easy, boring, common, English surname.

xBabyGirlx · 12/11/2010 02:41

It isn't a legal requirement and yes future children can be given mothers or fathers surnames. There is no right or wrong way of deciding which name you wish to be known by after marriage it is a matter of personal choice.

To call the practice archaic would mean to also include more traditional parts of weddings, morning suits, white dresses, not seeing the groom before the wedding, something old, new borrowed and blue. Many of these are still adhered to in modern civil ceremonies because the bride and groom choose to have them included in the same way taking the grooms surname is something they choose to do.

Marriage isn't seen as important anymore with many children born to unmarried parents but some still wish to honour tradition by getting married and then having families.

Neither choice is right or wrong and noone should be judged because of the choices they have made, just as noone should be belittled or made to feel they are behind the times for wanting the feeling of stability marriage provides or on the other hand that they have perhaps lower morals and standards by living in sin (this is not my personal opinion I am merely showing empathy to both sides of the fence) Smile

I am quite surprised at how upset and angry this issue makes people feel. Surely you wouldn't want your personal choices to upset someone else to this degree? or would you be of the opinion that it's noone else's business? - Hmm

JeMeSouviens · 12/11/2010 04:05

Here in Quebec, you must legally keep your maiden name. You can use your dHs name socially only. Then after many years of "general use" you can apply, for a fee, for permission to change to your married name

Not a lot of choice there, but I used my maiden name before we moved here anyway so no problem for me