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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women taking

178 replies

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 15:36

their husbands surname when they get married is a completely outdated, archaic practice?

OP posts:
scoobytoo · 10/11/2010 18:32

I believe that in Spain the children take the mothers name? Please correct me someone if I'm wrong but if this is the case it seems funny in such a sexist country.

upahill · 10/11/2010 18:36

I don't feel strongly either way whether people keep their names or not. I changed mine but I don't wear a wedding ring. Each to their own.

pacinofan · 10/11/2010 18:39

I am married, never crossed my mind not to take my dh's surname - but then I'm no feminist. My MIL addresses my mail as 'Mrs (husband's initials and surname). Don't know anyone else who has mail adddressed like this except my mum. Doesn't bother me in the slightest, and besides, his surname was always way more interesting and exotic than my (very common) maiden name.

togarama · 10/11/2010 18:47

2shoes: I'm not disputing the fact that many women want to take their DH's name or that they're perfectly entitled to do so. The interesting question is why do women want to do this?

upahill · 10/11/2010 18:51

I wanted us all to have the same name so that we were one unit. I am happy to take DH's name as it is what the majority of people do in this society and it is not important enough for me to rebel against.

ChaoticAngel · 10/11/2010 18:52

As has been said some women simply like their dp's surname better than their own. Tbh I'm not sure if I will change my name if I ever get married but one of the reasons could be whether or not I like his name/prefer it to mine.

Then again maybe I'll just change it to something completely different Grin

Lynli · 10/11/2010 18:53

My DD is getting married and her DP will be taking her name.

As her DD has her name and they want a nice family unit all with the same name.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/11/2010 19:24

If you were forced to change your name then that would be wrong. I changed my name purely because I liked his more than mine. We had our first baby before we were married and I insisted that he have my name as I wanted to have the same name as my child. We changed both our sons name and mine once we got married.

What I find uncomfortable is the assumption by lots of men that the DC will automatically be given their name, rather than the mothers, when the father and mother are not married.

I never felt pressure from my DH to do anything.

otchayaniye · 10/11/2010 19:41

I only did it because my husband had the most wonderful and amazing surname (it is remarked on all the time) and my name wasn't really mine as my father was (not to put too fine a point on it) a bastard and just given that name.

I love my surname.

badfairy · 10/11/2010 19:43

I am on my second husband so took his name because I didn't want to keep my previous husbands name when we got married. To be honest if I was start all over again with a clean slate I would probably never have changed my name with number 1 but what's done is done. I quite like the fact that DH and I both have the same name as our children though.

Tortington · 10/11/2010 19:43

i wish i hadn't done it, when i start a new job, i might use my maiden name

SlackSally · 10/11/2010 19:46

Bintofbohemia.

You're right about the dottir bit, but children all take the father's name. Girls do not become womansnamedottir just because they're girls.

As far as I know, anyway.

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 19:54

YABU. Most people I know have changed their names because eventually they will have children and become a family unit and they will all want the same name. I have no idea why people hold on so strongly to their names anyway as your a surname often came from your father, therefore has no connection to your mother, your maternal granparents or your paternal grandmother. It has only been yours for a few years and only ties you to one side of your family.

I don't care who takes the other's name but I felt strongly that I wanted DH and myself to have the same name as our children.

Caoimhe · 10/11/2010 20:01

But why do you need to have the same name as your children? It's not like they are going to be calling you it, is it?

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 20:09

Caoimhe I didn't need to have the same name as my children, I wanted to have the same name as my children. I love that myself, DH and DD are recognisable as a family by our name. I love that our DD shares her name with both of us, a name that we do not share with many other people. I just wanted to have that 'group' name, the same way that people will group themselves with other 'mothers' or 'teachers' or '' or anything that defines you as belonging to a group.

I know that may seem very backwards and anti-femanist but it is what I wanted. I have no issue however with people who don't take their partner's name or have the same name as their children.

frgr · 10/11/2010 20:10

i never understood the practice of doing it really, H wasn't bothered and neither was I

so neither of us changed :)

we did both go double barrel though once kids were on the horizen... so my H is Mr. X-Y and I am Ms. X-Y. The order is my surname second (it sounds better that way rather than Y-X).

never really understood why people wanted to change, but to each his own

i don't like being called mrs h. surname though, i think it's old, and offensive. i'm me - just like my husband is his person. i'm not his appendage. i have my own (lovely) name to be proud of, and when i signed the certificate at the wedding i didn't sign myself away - my name is at the heart of who i am, i am very proud to come from the linage that i do, and i resent it when H's dotty old aunts send cards not acknowledging or respecting that. i find it offensive. just as H would if he was referred to as Master Wife Frgr in written communication (change of title, my firstname, my surname) - look how odd that looks.

the only reason people don't think women doing it is odd is that they've been conditioned to think it's logical Hmm it might be the norm, but that doesn't make it logical.

Original poster
waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 20:16

Serendippy - only mine for a few years?? I was 30 when I got hitched but decided to keep MY name. The name I have had for 30 years, the name I'm known by, whether it came from my ma or my pa is irrelevant - it's now MY name.
if it's not such a big deal where are all the blokes making there excuses for losing up their given names?? My wifes name sounds better etc i never liked my dad?? Nowhere.

OP posts:
Serendippy · 10/11/2010 20:18

frgr I am assuming that your name came from your father, therefore has bugger all to do with your linage, as I said above it has no connection to most of the people involved in you coming about.

Did you double barrel your children's names?

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 20:20

waterbaby I got married in my 20s but will hopefully live a very long time Grin Therefore my married name will be mine a lot longer than my maiden name. To use your argument, it will be the name I am known by, whether it came from my ma or pa or my husband is irrelevant, it will be MY name.

Can you see what I mean?

I think if more women asked men to give up their names they would, I honestly think that they don't because they are not asked to and unless a woman is unhappy about this then it doesn't matter.

frgr · 10/11/2010 20:22

Serendippy , yes kids double barrel too.

as weak as my link is with some of the people far back in my family tree, my surname IS still a link. a tenuous one, but it's there.

compare that to H's surname - i certainly have less of a link with that!

and i never did quite get why people say that MY surname is my fathers... yet H's surname is HIS (rather than my FIL's). it's almost like we allow men to own their surnames in their own right as they grow up... but women are only "borrowing" their father's. I'm just as capable of ownership of my birth name as my husband. anyone who doesn't agree with that is guilty of massive double standards.

frgr · 10/11/2010 20:24

forgot to add:

... and therefore, why should I be asked to take my FATHER IN LAW's surname over my own father's name? if we use that set of logic re: ownership Shock

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 20:27

No, H's surname is his and yours is yours. I was just pointing out where they both came from and why, although I can appreciate that you have more connection with your name because it came from your father as opposed to your FIL, your name does not connect you to many other ancestors.

I asked about the double barrel because a friend of mine got married years ago and was, for the first time in her life, upset by her double barrelled name because she had no choice to double barrel her name and her DH's. She said that if she had been able to, her and her DH would both have double barrelled and then given the children one of the names, giving them the option of merging it in the future.

Honestly I am not trying to start an argument, just pointing out that trying to include everyone's names is not always the solution.

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 20:28

Nobody should be asked to take their DH's name, or FIL's name or however it is thought of. I have no issue with the people who want to though.

frgr · 10/11/2010 20:32

Serendippy, i see

actually you've reminded me how pissed off H was when we asked (before the wedding) if H could change his surname at the ceremony too, and we weren't allowed to (that's why we just both left it, and he later did it by deed poll when kiddies were being planned)

personally i do get frustrated with having a db surname sometimes (get all sorts of letters being addressed, some people like H's aunties refuse to refer to me as my real name and insist on Mrs H surname...) and wish there was an easier option. i suppose it would have been just to change to H's surname :) but mine is unique and lovely, and there's not many of us (compared to H's which is like Smith, boring!)

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 20:36

frgr why couldn't you both have your (unique and lovely) surname then, if you were changing by deed poll anyway? Surely that would be the easier option if you were looking for one, or would your DH not be keen?