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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think women taking

178 replies

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 15:36

their husbands surname when they get married is a completely outdated, archaic practice?

OP posts:
EdgarAirbombPoe · 10/11/2010 16:37

waterbaby my beard is just like his. It's unmistakable.

:)

narkypuffin · 10/11/2010 16:39

I changed mine because I don't like the silly surname I got from my father- think Rupple/Rinky.

There were all sorts of comments from ILs along the lines of 'You're a Puffin now'. I always say I changed name not DNA. I don't feel more connected to them or DH by taking his name. The problem is women have taken their father's and husband's names for so long that their isn't really a surname that is theirs. I never really felt connected to my maiden name.

I think the 'Mrs' part of the name change was really important to me- though I use Ms when I choose to.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/11/2010 16:41

I took my husband's name because I wanted to. My surname was boring as hell! Grin

I think it's yet another case of 'each to their own'. I don't care if others decide to not change their surname and I don't take kindly to them sticking their beak in that I chose to.

In rl I mean Grin on here it's perfectly normal for everyone to stick their beaks into matters that are nothing to do with them and don't affect them in any way. Wouldn't be mumsnet otherwise Wink

TrillianAstra · 10/11/2010 16:41

The surname I have now is my Dad's. Why is that any better than my (hypothetical) future DH's name?

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 16:42

Fair enough Edgar , oh and the ears don't forget to check the ears. A dead gveaway apparently! That and DIY DNA kit off the Internet...

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 10/11/2010 16:43

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass

any intelligent feminist should definitely marry if she plans to give up her employment, and much earning potential, to become a SAHM.

if that is the plan, then marriage protects her financial interests and maintains her independence and prevents her becoming dependent on the goodwill of her husband, which no feminist would want to contemplate.

TrillianAstra · 10/11/2010 16:45

What I said previous is said much better like this:

"6. Because her maiden name was her father's name and keeping it did not feel like any more a rejection of the patriarchy than taking her husband's name did, and she liked her husband's name better."

But actually I think this is the better reason :)

"7. Because her maiden name was her father's name, and she likes her husband a lot more than her father."

(thanks sixpercent)

EdgarAirbombPoe · 10/11/2010 16:46

imagines man out there who is 'Mr QueenOfWitches'

hehe

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 10/11/2010 16:49

Edgar - I don't really see the "it's your Dad's name anyway" thing as a good argument at all, for two reasons. First, my name is mine not because it was passed down my Dad's side of the family, but because it is the name I have always had. Changing it would have meant leaving behind part of my identity, an identity I have created for myself, regardless of where my surname originated.
Second, if you want to change an outmoded patriarachal process you have to start somewhere. My daughters have both our names and they will have the freedom to choose to keep one, both or neither as they wish.

TrillianAstra · 10/11/2010 16:50

The Spanish system that you briefly mentioned isn't any less male-centred, the way I understand it.

Everyone has two surnames, which they keep throughout their lives.

So I could be Trillian A-B, and my DH could be Javier X-Y

Our children would be kidsnames X-A (Dad's first surname, Mum's first surname).

But all this means is that they have two names, from both their grandfathers, instead of one name from their father. When my X-A kids have chlidren their children will inherit the X (from DH) not the A (from me). Female lineages are still not recorded.

(did I get it right by the way?)

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 16:53

Ok. As for the 'patriachy' thing point taken but here's an idea - keep your own name,(poss your dads?) or take your mums or pick one you like and create new traditions/rules for yourself , your family, your kids... Then people will stop making assumptions, eventually.you know, like back when we got the vote...

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/11/2010 16:55

Grin actually, my now surname is quite similar to (and often mistaken for) a certain very, erm, controversial president of one of the southern african nations. Much more interesting than the old english for 'island' or 'flat land'.

EdgarAirbombPoe · 10/11/2010 16:56

what i mean is, it' not more feminist, it's just a different choice. take whichever surname - up to you.

but don't say taking husbands surname is unfeminist.

perfumedlife · 10/11/2010 16:57

I would have kept my own name if I preferred it, but I didn't, it's a rubbish surname. There was no pressure, in fact, there was no discussion really, other than I said I would take DHs name.

I wanted to establish our family, separate from the family my parents made.

Who feels they were pressured into taking thier dh's name then?

notquitenormal · 10/11/2010 16:57

My surname is not my father's name, just because it came from him. It is MY name. It became mine when it was given to me.

I've always had quite a strong reaction to name changing. I remember being horrified when my sister wanted to change the name of our pet rabbit Grin

My my Mum's family they have a tradition of handing down the mother's first name going back a least 5 generations. My Nan was the first the break it (I could have ended up being called Prudence!)

waterbaby100 · 10/11/2010 16:59

Spain - father family name then mothers family name = surname HOWEVER they're just changing the law there so that the 2 family names can be ALPHA by surname instead of fathers family name automatically. So it is possible to change tradition with the times it seems...Wink

OP posts:
pointydog · 10/11/2010 17:00

It makes it all very neat and tidy if everyone in the family has the same name.

So I'm for it.

darleneconnor · 10/11/2010 17:01

YADNBU

It's funny how there are never any men who dont like their birth surnames and see marriage as an opportunity to change it Hmm

RibenaBerry · 10/11/2010 17:02

Well, I guess I'd add a couple of things here. Firstly, I find the the "I moved from my father's name to my husband's name" argument a bit odd from a linguistic perspective. Surely your husband also has 'his father's name' if you want to look at it that way. Why is your name referred to as 'my father's' but your DH's name considered his own?

Personally, I did take DH's name. I wanted me, DH and any future children to have the same name. I wanted us to be a unit, united by one single surname. I know others don't feel that, but for me it was important. For me, sharing one family name is an outward show of unity.

I thought long and hard about taking DH's name, and did consider other options (him taking mine, both double barrel, merge and make a new name, etc). But in the end, I like his surname and mine is dull. And fundamentally, we are both lazy and that is the easiest way to change your name.

I do know a lesbian couple who merged surnames when they got a civil partnership, and I've always thought that was pretty cool. Sadly mine and Dh's names would not have merged (well, not as anything you'd want to be saddled with).

AbsofCroissant · 10/11/2010 17:02

Well, I intened on taking DP's surname, for the following reasons:

  • it's wicked
  • it will look great in a signature and
  • I'm kind of bored with my current one. It's been a while.

As a child I quite preferred my mother's maiden name, and maybe if given the option would have changed to it (though probably swiftly changed back - it's a pain to spell).

nickelbangBANGbang · 10/11/2010 17:03

YANBU.

it's madness, quite frankly.

and the number of women who take their DH's surname when it's a hideous name! Shock

that's the worst!

I can name several of my friends where the maiden name is much nicer than the married name (also including those whose DH's names sound like farm animals!)

I also can't understand those who think it's easier to change - I haven't had to change anything (at some point might finish changing my address on things!), and if someone asks me what my name is now, I just tell them (and they get confused because it's the same as it was before!)
Grin

EdgarAirbombPoe · 10/11/2010 17:07

my brother changed his name on marriage. our surname was a bit pants...

Sullwah · 10/11/2010 17:07

If we are all involved in some horrible terrorist or natural disaster, I want to be listed on the memorial with my husband and children .... and not on another section of the alpabetical list.

FluffyDonkey · 10/11/2010 17:07

I don't understand the problem to be honest. No one is being forced to change, each to their own. I also don't understand people who think that changing their name somehow changes who they are/what family they belong to.

Got married last summer and I will (eventually when I get around to it) use my DH's name for several reasons.

I live in France, and your maiden name is legally always your name, but you are allowed to use your DH's name/hyphenate them both/your DH use your name.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/11/2010 17:09

I wanted to have the same name as DH. I married him because I wanted us to be publicly together, as a unit. If I wasn't bothered about that then we would just have co-habited and dealt with all the legal stuff another way.

It is really important to me that we are identifiable as a family, and really important to DH. How do you decide which surname the children take, unless you double-barrel, but I think that is a bit poncy and our names would have sounded dreadful together Grin

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