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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

527 replies

oliviadehavilland · 09/11/2010 22:02

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

OP posts:
pink4ever · 09/11/2010 23:21

I cant believe the genuine moral outrage on here about this subject.I bet if women were completely HONEST this happens ALOT.Men just simply faff about when it comes to decisions and sometimes need a nudge in the right direction.There is never a completely RIGHT time to have dcs either-thats just wishful thinking.
I would rather have the beloved dcs I have now than have waited till my dh was completely "ready" and then find out I couldnt have any(and we have had LOTS of preg complications and heartache so know what I am talking about). Also going slightly off topic feminism imo has also directly contributed to-binge drinking in females,stds,convenience abortions,women working their arses off both at home and in the workplace and rise in infertility as they finally realise they CANT have it all. RANT over....for now!

booyhoo · 09/11/2010 23:22

so you tricked your partner, who thinks he can trust you completely, into a lifelong commitment to another human being, who would be dependant on him for at least 18 years, that he told you he wasn't ready for? and you brought a child into the world without firm agreement form it's other parent that it was truly wanted? what a manipulative cow.

how would you have reacted if it was you taht wasn't yet ready for teh child and he had switched your pill for a placebo causing you to fall pregnant whilst you had been taking them religiously solely for the purpose of preventing pregnancy? is that a man you would trust with the decisions involved in raising your shared child?

defineme · 09/11/2010 23:22

No I didn't do this-no need.
However, I'm not apalled that you did this op. I think that you know your dh better than anyone else and you knew instinctively that it would be ok.

For me there is no black and white moral code. I think most situations are subjective and no one but the 2 people in a relationship actually know what happens.

You do know you must never tell dh though?Well maybe when you're 70something.

I know that I'm not capable of being morally correct all the time. I still think I'm a reasonable parent, do charitable stuff and do a 'caring' job.

Original poster
oliviadehavilland · 09/11/2010 23:23

I can't feel like my relationship is crap or that the DC had never happened because its brilliant and I don't.

Life isn't as black and white as we wish it would be. I can't argue for my having done something wonderful - I know that it is wrong, immoral or whathaveyou - but I took a calculated (in that I had a fairly good idea of how it would pan out) risk which paid off brilliantly to eveyone's (me, DH the DC) advantage.

OP posts:
defineme · 09/11/2010 23:24

However, that doesn't mean I in anyway agree with that comment Pink has just made about feminism. Shame on you Pink!

idnotknowwheretoputthis · 09/11/2010 23:25

Why do you keep saying it's wrong then?

Twat.

Bye.

Casmama · 09/11/2010 23:25

Pink- what possible justification would people posting anonymously on a website have for lying about this?
You are kidding yoursel - there is moral outrage because it is a fucking outrageous thing to do the person you are supposed to love. Selfish and thoughtless and to my mind your rant about feminism is bullshit.

booyhoo · 09/11/2010 23:27

wow pink you are clearly really knowledgeable on the topic of feminism. Hmm

Casmama · 09/11/2010 23:27

Yourself

pink4ever · 09/11/2010 23:27

sorry.I think it is all the years of being a sahm,sitting in starbucks,reading crap books has turned my brain to mush!(off to bed now to lure my dh into condom free sex!).

Katey1010 · 09/11/2010 23:29

I see no problem in saying to DP/DH, "I want a baby, I'm coming off the pill. If you want to take control of your fertility, use a condom or get the snip. I can leave if I want a baby." That is very different to LYING to your partner, DECEIVING them and bringing a child into this world who may be resented. The idea that men are idiots who need to be 'nudged' or have their lifes most important decisions taken away from them is revolting. BTW Pink feminism also led to the VOTE, us being allowed to have our own bank accounts and... the criminalisation of rape within marriage. Amongst other things.

Casmama · 09/11/2010 23:31

Agreed Katey, although I think there are possibly less confrontational ways to discuss having a baby Wink

booyhoo · 09/11/2010 23:32

also OP. don't judge all women by your own standards. many of us value honesty and trust in our relationships.

Lynli · 09/11/2010 23:32

My DH said he did not want children, I told him the relationship was over as being childless was not something I would consider.

Giving ultimatums didn't feel any better than accidentally getting pregnant.

I have had a surprise pregnancy on the pill and with condoms.

Katey1010 · 09/11/2010 23:32

Well, I didn't have to because DH really wanted a baby. Currently 39 weeks so a bit emotional about it. It's nice to know DH was on board. It made it all so lovely and emotional and loving. Sniffle.

Original poster
oliviadehavilland · 09/11/2010 23:32

Why are you so wound up about this, idnotknowwheretoputthis? I'm amazed at how indignant you are, AIBU notwithstanding.

It worked out well - I bet it does for a lot of people.

The right thing morally isn't always the right thing in actually, is what I'm driving at.

I'm not regretful that I didn't potentially sacrifce all the amazingness that my DCs have brought our family on the alter of doing the right thing morally.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 09/11/2010 23:37

It hasn't worked out well at all. Your dh doesn't know. If he did know you would have out yourself and your children at the centre of a devastating situation entirely through your own wilfulness and lack of trustworthiness.

I think it's important fr children to have mothers with morals actually. I hope you aren't teaching your children that they can lie as much as they wish as long as they think it's ok and nobody finds out!

Original poster
oliviadehavilland · 09/11/2010 23:37

Lynli Tue 09-Nov-10 23:32:10

Giving ultimatums didn't feel any better than accidentally getting pregnant.

Yes, that's the thing, isn't it? DH would have agreed to try to conceive if I had issued an ultimation, no question.

But it would have been shitty, us both feeling that it was only happening because I had him over a barrel.

But because it was an "accident", there was no blame, no resentment, no feeling that I had to shoulder all the shit because it was what I wanted after all...

OP posts:
pink4ever · 09/11/2010 23:39

completely agree with OLIVIADEHAVILLAND.will never regret how any of my dcs came about(nor does my dh).
Also agree that feminism did bring about some positive things but am still firmly of the mindset that women CANT have it all(not until men can actually have babies too).
nite nite all x

Northernlurker · 09/11/2010 23:39

It's only an accident because your poor dh is in the dark. Heaven help your marriage if he works it out.

booyhoo · 09/11/2010 23:40

so again OP it was all about you. you couldn't be arsed with dealing with his resentment of you fro issuing an ultimatum so you deceived him to get let off the hook with any guilt that you are were due. it wasn't about him at all, it wasn't about helping him get to his decsion quicker. it was just about you not wanting the blame for him not being completely happy with what you have decided for him.

huddspur · 09/11/2010 23:40

OP do you not feel bad that you have totally decieved and manipulated your DH?

chandra · 09/11/2010 23:40

"Imagine a man got his DW pregnant against her wishes by deliberately damaging a condom."

Never better put, that phrase certainly puts things into perspective.

Original poster
oliviadehavilland · 09/11/2010 23:40

Oh give over, of course I'm not telling my DCs "that they can lie as much as they wish as long as they think it's ok and nobody finds out!".

It's not as simple as one immoral act makes you satan, incapable of distinguishing right from wrong in any given situation.

In most areas of my life I'm very moral - upstanding member of the community and all that.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 09/11/2010 23:40

This partly happens because men tend to distance themselves from their own contraceptive duty as a partner...know where your sperm is and in whom...once you have unprotected sex with a woman ...well its not in your hands anymore is it??...personally I would not do it..but if its important to you protect yoursself don't leave it up to anyone else

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