in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

[oliviadehavilland]

The thing is, I just can't feel regretful about it at all.

He is an amazing hands-on father and our relationship is great.

If I hadn't done it, I reckon it would have been years of resentment, ultimatums, possibly a break-up if I had waited for him to be ready.

I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it and think that this one (well, two) deceitful act was actually a good thing for me to have done, on balance.

[idnotknowwheretoputthis]

Or, to rephrase it for you olivia:

me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

A truly and selfishly foul act.

Justify it all you like, but I consider you brought your children into this world in no different a way to the way a rapist does.

Hope you can look them in the eye.

[megapixels]

I think it is horrible. Can't believe anyone would do that to someone they supposedly love. Who are you (generally, to anyone who does this) to decide single-handedly that your partner is going to be a parent?

I have the opposite situation in that I would hate to have another baby and dh would love to have one. I would be beyond disgusted if he tricked me (and he can as I can't take anything hormonal), but luckily he is a decent human being.

[onepieceoflollipop]

For me and dh I feel that such behaviour would be a massive breach of trust; in fact it would make me question what our relationship was based on. For me it is based on love, respect, trust, shared goals etc. Even the thought of this, i.e. to deliberately "trick" him into another child makes me feel very sad and unhappy.

[pink4ever]

SUNSHINE-I believe it not is not solely the womens responsibility to use contraception(shoch horror) and as I mentioned many of the options I cant use anyway. I have asked my dh repeatedly to have the snip if really does not want anymore dc but is still dragging his heels(is a "manliness" issue apparently).
I dont want to be sterilised because have already had a lot of poking abut in that area(excuse the pun!) and also 2 sections and a major op.
Not saying I will deliberatly fall preg just saying that if dh continues to have sex with me without condoms(even when I tell him it is a fertile time_ then surely he has to take some responsibility for resulting pregnancy?.
Apologies to those of you reading with strong feelings on feminism but I am anti-feminist.

[oliviadehavilland]

Again, I think it's about degrees.

If DH had been saying, "No, never, never never" to kids, then even if I thought he'd step up and be a fab parent, it's very very wrong to force a pregnancy.

But if (as was the case with me) he was saying "yes, definitely, just not yet" and you know that the reason for holding back is just because he can't make decisions (based on years of knowledge of his character), then... Well, I think it's a bit different.

But again, I know it's wrong and immoral. I'm not claiming otherwise.

[idnotknowwheretoputthis]

No. It still makes it wrong.

So, as much as you try to justify it, you're wrong.

So fucking what if it takes him a while to make decisions? So you're the decision police now are you?

Have you always treated him like a little boy who doesn't know his own mind?

[BeenBeta]

Casmama - it would be the woman who had deprived the child of a father because she is disregarded the man's clearly stated wishes, treated hism like an unpaid sperm donor by taking his sperm without permission.

Seems a bit rich to then turn round and say to the man 'oh but you have responsibilities now, so you cant walk away, even though I deceived you'.

Imagine a man got his DW pregnant against her wishes by deliberately damaging a condom.

[NurseSunshine]

LOL at anti feminism Pink. I assume you're happily barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen then? What's that? No, you work/have worked (I assume), go out in public without a man accompanying you, are legally your husbands equal, have had an education? Well, I'd thank feminism then if I were you.

Sorry, beside the point, just makes me a bit angry when stupid people diss feminism whilst enjoying it's benefits.

Casmama, no the selfish woman would be at fault, for not bothering to think about effect on the baby she apparently wanted.

Olivia, just out of interest, how would you feel about stealing money out of your husbands wallet, then lying about it? Because what you did is a million times worse.

I just find it horrifying that these women do not, once, consider the feelings of these children. Bad mothers?

[onepieceoflollipop]

either you trust your dp/dh or you don't. For me there is no issue of "degrees" within that.

I feel sad that your relationship is based on lies and deceit. :(. I feel the most sad for you dh, this cloud of deceit hanging over him, perhaps he will never find out?

[vess]

Well a lot of men don't know whether they want children and when.
Like DH for example. Can't be bothered with that sort of thing - contraception and family planning effectively up to me. He did say, after DC2, that he didn't want any more (I wanted one more!), but did he bother to use contraception, or even ask if I was using anything - no!
Eventually he changed his position to 'not totally against it'.
We had DC3 a year ago.

[pink4ever]

have tampered with condoms

[Casmama]

I'm no expert on feminism but I don't think your attitude is anti-feminist Pink - you presumably would be happy to have another child otherwise you wouldn't consent to the sex and you don't feel that it is up to you to take responsibility for the contraception just because you are a woman.

[droves]

I know someone who had done this to get dc3.
Her then H (now ex-h) was happy with the boy and girl they had.
The children were mid childhood and they were starting to enjoy life again .
She decided she wanted another dc before she turned 30.
He said no , for various reasons.
She stopped taking the pill and didnt tell him until she was pg.

It destroyed their marraige ..he just couldnt trust her after that...Although he adores all the children, and is a great dad.

Very sad really. stupid stupid selfish woman.

[NurseSunshine]

Olivia, goodness how lucky your husband is to have you to make all his decisions for him. It sounds like you already thought you had a child.

[MellowToday]

When we first got together, my dp wasn't sure he ever wanted children and you'd be surprised at how many of my friends (and my mother!) seriously jokingly suggested secretly getting pregnant.

It's obviously a bad idea, but I think it happens way more often than most people would suspect. Perhaps a lot of women kid themselves that they really did forget their pill.

[onepieceoflollipop]

I think that those of you who describe situations where your dps know that there is a risk of pregnancy due to you (for whatever reasons) not taking precautions and him not bothering either are in a different position entirely.

For example, dh had the snip; joint decision. While waiting for the all clear he opted to use condoms and I was part of this decision. i.e. we both bought them, they were accessible when we needed them, there was no question of me "getting him drunk" so he would forget etc.

[huddspur]

Frankly if a woman did this then I wouldn't blame the man for fucking off and never seeing her or the child again.

[idnotknowwheretoputthis]

It's just a sad indictment of your relationship really Olivia.

DH and I are considering a third DC at the moment but it's a joint decision - just like the first two were. I pity you for not knowing how it feels to decide together that you want to beconme parents, and to share all the excitement that goes with that.

You reduce it to some kind of illicit affair.

You've missed out on so much

[Casmama]

BeenBeta and Sunshine sorry I haven't made my self clear - I absolutely agree that it is the womans fault if the child ends up without a father and she has no right whatsoever to demand that the father is involved in the childs life. Morally I don't think he should have to pay for the child either.
However, I just feel that it is such a shame in this situation as the child is in no way at fault but must surely be the one to suffer the most. I don't think there is a solution to this but wish that women would think things through fully before making this stupid choice.

[fairycake123]

My cousin did it - on the advice of her mother. I think it is utterly contemptible and I don't bother with either of them now.

[Casmama]

Please ignore any previous comments I have made about pink - these were made without the knowledge that she has tampered with condoms - you have really misrepresented yourself here pink.

[Northernlurker]

If I had done this I know that dh would have been distressed but would then have stepped up and would support me through grim pregnancy and welcome another baby. I also know that if I did anything so underhand I wouldn't deserve 1 minute of his love and care.

This is an apalling thing to do to your partner. Nothing excuses it. You don't know better than them and if there is disagreement about having children then you either talk about it and have them, compromise your own wishes or leave the relationship. Staying and cheating is just horrible.

[LightlyKilledCrunchyFrog]

This is a horrible thread.

I can't see not using contraception as the same as rape, idon'tknowwheretoputthis. Just isn't the same thing at all.

FWIW DC1 was the (welcome but badly timed) result of contraceptive failure, DC 2 and 3 were planned. So I've never done this. And in fact, part of our relationship breakdown was XH decreeing that he was done with babies, I don't particularly want more, but I also highly resent having the choice taken from me.

There is just no compromise, you either have a baby or you don't, and then you end up with horrid situations like my SIL whose knobrot of a partner pissed off with a less broody model after 12 years of "someday, soon" lies. Twat.

[BeenBeta]

It would be a shame. Maybe some men would want to see the child. It is so far removed from my experience TBH I dont know what I would want.