in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

[huddspur]

I think what you've done is disgraceful and it worries if this behaviour is widespread

[victoriascrumptious]

Sorry Nancy- x post

[tinierclanger]

Actually, I disagree on the degrees Olivia. It's just as bad. Worse in some ways because you are deceiving your life partner who presumably loves and trusts you. I presume you think it's not as bad because you consider the outcome better. But ethically I think you are wrong.

[Nancy66]

Mini pill definitely not 100% effective - even if taken according to instructions. Combined is though.

[victoriascrumptious]

A relative of mine pressurised her DH for a child. They were both very young so can't claim biological clock ticking. He stated categorically that he didn't want a child until they hit 30 for financial and lifestyle reasons-all very sensible. She knew that before she married him. She lied about a contraceptive failure.

He didn't bond with the child for the first 12 months. They can't afford the child. The relationship is down the pan and she blames him.

She's a great big twat and I have no sympathy for her

[muggglewump]

How can it be?

I took it correctly, no antibiotics, no vomming or shits, nothing out of the ordinary and I still got pg. I got the mirena coil after that as I wouldn't trust it again, and then that failed so I got an implant and got sterilised!

[onceamai]

shocking.

[Katey1010]

Yuk, I'm really shocked. I know a lot of people where both partners were being useless with contraception and nature took its course. If everyone wants to take a risk, whatever. To deliberately take away the choice of the other partner is repulsive. What if my partner swapped my pills for sugar pills or put holes in the condom? I'd divorce him and sue for assault.

[VictoriasLittleKnownSecret]

I was told that I was the only woman they knew who had had a pregnancy with a Mirena (I see someone else had this scenario^)

I think a lot of women are careless and play contraception roulette.

[Tidey]

Considering views about men who don't pay to support their children are extremely strong it is quite shocking how many people seem to do this. The men in these cases are not being given any say in whether they become a father yet they are then obliged to pay for the child for eighteen years, and if they are at all decent, to have some input into the child's life. It is extraordinarily unfair to trap someone in this way.

[pink4ever]

I had a "surprise" with our 3rd dc! Cant take the pill or have coil implanted for medical reasons.dh was supposed to wear condoms but rarely bothered(even though we are both VERY fertile). I was honest in that I was happy to have a 3rd dc but must be honest was a bit nervous telling him when got the pos test!. He feigned shock(condom packet was covered in dust by this point!) but then just got on with it.
Has now said def cant have anymore but still refuses to have snip and again too lazy to use condoms!(I can see dc number 4 coming along sometime next year!).
I await my FLAMING.

[idnotknowwheretoputthis]

Go on then, I'll be the first.

I think it's a fucking vile thing to do. To knowingly bring a child into the world without the consent of one of it's parents. And i don't include the "dp knew our contraception was hit and miss" posts in that.

To knowingly mislead is selfish beyond repair. You can decide for your partner whether or not he should become a parent? Fucking disgusting.

[happiestblonde]

I think I need to be more careful with pills. I'm awful and seriously don't want a child for at least a few years, DP would probably be happy but I'd ruin my career :(

[NurseSunshine]

Katie, absolutely and rightly so. Yet if the poor man who'd been decieved by a woman who supposedly loved him left in disgust he would be villified for leaving his child.

To be fair there are certain situations in which the pill can fail, women with PCOS for eg, the pill is very hit and miss for them. Even the implant or coil can fail sometimes. Also, comdoms could split, probably, or come off. But these are in the extreme minority.

[HellAtWork]

Gah. This really pisses me off because I am pretty sure I am suspected of doing just what OP has admitted to - and yet - nope. I'd like to think I was fairly smart/common sense etc.but still two accidental pregnancies down the path and possibly not.

Antibiotics while taking the pill resulted in first pregnancy (only questions from the GP dug this out and even then it was something I was only vaguely aware of?) and contraceptive patches for the second (sounds failsafe but they kept coming off and attaching to clothing) combined with v few periods due to work stress and even though I knew patch had moved and got out the condoms, when we got back home we were too drunk to actually remember to use them.

I am possibly dense when it comes to using hormonal contraception properly but I am not sure I could ever trust it again (however lucky I am to have lovely DC as a result!)

Hate hate hate that people might think this of me. Still just have to shrug it off because there's no way you can defend yourself - and then the fact that people do do this just adds fuel to the fire. Also pisses me off because it implies women are somehow able to trick a man into not wearing a condom - my sons are always going to be told, don't want babies, wear condoms. Not because of conniving women - but because if HE does not want a baby HE should be using contraception even if it's double cover.

[idnotknowwheretoputthis]

FFS then happiest get an implant or depo, it's not rocket science

[MadBanners]

Nope,and I had a surprise baby.

We spent 3 years trying for our first, then fell pregnant with our second, when baby was only 7 months old, and I had not had a period since the baby was born. Biggest surprise ever to both of us, and I would certainly not have chosen that...I was always adamant I would never have 2 in nappies!

However, since, Dh has said to me, that when we were trying for our first, he did not think he was ready, and even while I was pregnant he was not sure, but he knew I really wanted to get pregnant, so at the time, said he was ready. He also said, if he had decided that we should have waited, it would have been the biggest mistake he ever made, as we would not have the children we do now.

[MissMarjoribanks]

I wouldn't do this, personally, but can see why someone would be driven to it, particularly if they knew their DH would be a good father. Doesn't make it right necessarily.

[Casmama]

If a method of contraception was 100% effective that is to say that if used properly noone will ever get pregnant using it - thats just stupid.
It is horrible to trick your partner into something so important and I wonder if this deception has had an impact on your relationship.

[NurseSunshine]

I don't think you're the first Idon'tknowwhere.

Pink - You're husband has said he doesn't want any more children. Why would you want to bring an unwanted child into the world?

[BeenBeta]

If a man found out he had been tricked like this I would condone him walking away without paying maintenence or ever seeing the child again.

It is beyond despicable.

[Casmama]

Sunshine - presumably pinks husband knows that the contraception is his responsibility and if he refuses to take that responsibility then there is a risk of another baby.
If a woman was on the pill and took them randomly then became pregnant we would blame the woman as she did not act responsibly - it seems like double standards here to hold Pink responsible.

[NurseSunshine]

OK, fair enough Casmama I see your point. Pink, maybe some honesty and openness at last? Try talking to him?

[Casmama]

BeenBeta - don't you think that would punish the child more than the deceitful woman in the long run - she can find someone else but that child would always be deprived of their father.

[SirBoobAlot]

Yes, YABVU. Just because you may be willing to deceive, lie to, betray and manipulate the man you married doesn't mean the rest of us are the same.

I'm quite sickened by your behaviour, and offended by the assumption that everyone else who had a surprise pregnancy sunk as low as you.