in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

It's really frustrating trying to speak sense to stupid, illogical people. I tend to forget this. Am leaving now, and would reccommend that all decent, intelligent people do the same.

"Imagine a man got his DW pregnant against her wishes by deliberately damaging a condom."

Depends how against her wishes it is, doesn't it (imo)?

I know someone who conceived DC5 deceitfully.

Am almost certain that DH would have just preferred the 4.

Very professional, academic couple.

blimey no! Mine was genuine, and there would have been no reason for it to be otherwise as DH was more ready for children than me! It was indeed the best surprise for both of us, but certainly not something I would have done with intent! I guess some people do, clearly, but i don't think it is as many as you like to make out, i would suspect more of your friends missed pills/hungover/drunk/absent-minded etc. Condoms break quite easily if used when drunk/not paying attention/heavy handed etc.

What a negative presumption to make about women though

Congrats on your pregnancy Katey. I was lucky enough to have a similar pregnancy - with a dh who really wanted the baby and wouldn't do it any other way.

Do I think I "decieved and manipulated" DH? Well, yes, obviously.

Does that automatically make it without a shaddow of a doubt the wrong thing for me to have done? I'm not so sure.

"Depends how against her wishes it is, doesn't it (imo)?"

do you know how fucked up that sentence is?

is it ok for a man to grope a woman if she is only a tiny bit vocal about not wanting him to? does she have to put it in writing that she doesn't wish to be groped?

Oh, and chill with the calling people stupid comments NurseSunshine...

Am leaving now (medical advice from NurseSunshine!). Thanks Casmama. So glad things were this way for us. I wish it were for everyone.

"Imagine a man got his DW pregnant against her wishes by deliberately damaging a condom."

Depends how against her wishes it is, doesn't it (imo)?

No it doesn't.

it works well for you though OP, because you got what you wanted. Your DH does not know the truth, so he cannot give an opinion about it. His family is based/rooted in lies. He trusts you, and you let him think he had some involvement in this process of having this 'accidental' baby. Which he had none whatsoever, he had no choice. You took away his choice.

OP you marriage is based on deceit.

when you married him, did you promise to be truthful except when it meant getting your own way? does he know that was the arrangement you married him under?

We're not talking sexual assults here booyhoo.

If I were keen on getting pregnent soonish but was faffing (because that's what I do) and I accidentally fell pregnant, well it wouldn't be the end of the world. In fact, probably a good thing in the long run.

If I found out later that the "accident" had been engineered by DH then I probably wouldn't be that pissed off because all had worked out.

How awful. Really. Our first pregnancy was a genuine duh stupidity moment from us both, since then they have been as a result of trying. Tricking someone over something so major is not the way I want my life to be.

I object to being lumped in with 'lots of you have done it'. I rather suspect lots of us haven't.

OP - you were wrong. You know you were wrong and the ends - your dcs do NOT justify the means. If you can't see you were wrong whilst being 'very moral' in other areas of your life then I would say that does make you rather stupid - and a hypocrite.

Do you find the secret a burden ever, Olivia ?

you don't think that accepting a man's sperm under false pretences and doing something with it other than what he agreed for you to do is close to sexual assault?

you knowingly had sex with this man with the intention of becoming pregnant. he was totally under teh impression that you were using contraception. you had sex with him under false pretences.

Though actually Olivia it was two immoral acts...

I've had two failures on the pill - taking it absolutely right.

I've long since got used to the looks.

I think a man who puts his unclad knob inside a woman he knows wants a baby is a gobshite.

I think there is something verging on cruel about expecting a woman you are denying children to make sure she doesn't have them.

I think it is sad that the pill, a tool sold as something that allows women to control their own fertility, has become for so many a tool women must use to make sure men don't become fathers.

A man who fobs off his partner for years with promises of a "one day" baby while she gradually gets more desperate and sad as her time runs out is a knobhead.

If she makes the judgement that her odds of becoming a mother are better served by staying and not living up to her end of the contraceptive "bargain" being imposed on her, then I have no quarrel with that.

The idea that men are entitled to pass the entire burden of their fertility onto women, to have years of carefree sex with no need to make any effort to stop the babies they don't want is ludicrous.

If you're shagging you might be making a baby. That's how it works. That's what it's for. The idea that women should put down their biological urges to cater to those of men sickens me.

I agree that it was wrong, I always have Northernlurker.

"I would say that does make you rather stupid - and a hypocrite."

Don't be daft, one immoral act doesn't cancel out other moral ones. We all live our lives in a state of hypocrisy, it's part of being human. We choose the areas that matter most to us.

"I think there is something verging on cruel about expecting a woman you are denying children to make sure she doesn't have them."

all OP had to do was say,"I'm stopping my pill. It's up to you to use condoms if you don't want to have children yet."

booyhoo - no I don't think it's sexual assault at all.

He wanted children. I knew him well enough to know his reluctance was born of a natural tendancy towards procastination. I judged that this would be the best outcome for us all. And it was.

A world way from picking holes in the condoms used by a parner of only a few weeks.

You're ignoring the subtleties, imo.

cumfy - they won't. Because I have told no-one. Ever.