in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

[onmyfeet]

I only know one person who did this, and her ex still doesn't know. I am the only one she told. If anyone else I know did this, then they did it kept it to themselves.

[RobF]

Roll on the male contraceptive pill! It will have as big, if not bigger an effect on society than the female pill did.

[Sakura]

I seriously doubt many women do this. It's Jeremy KYle level isn't it

[Sakura]

It really is a horrible deception. There's no justification for it.How can you live with yourself Every single day is a lie??

It's the broken trust, isn't it

[AmandaCooper]

Differentname I think this new point you are making is a good one, I had taken the view that as the deceived partner would never know that the child was secretly planned, his or her relationship with the child and the deceiving partner would pan out just exactly as it would in the case of a genuine accident.

[differentnameforthis]

mum, you too. Night.

[differentnameforthis]

But their actions come from what they feel, surely? I have had times when I have felt quite ill & my actions towards my children are different to when I am feeling ok. Not that it is anything I have listed here, but I am moody, tired, snappy etc. Mood reflects what we do. Being forced to parent a child you don't want would play such havoc on the mind. It is never acceptable to treat a child like that, I don't think I have implied that, but it isn't acceptable.

I am not saying the treatment I received is acceptable, not at all. But it is understandable. I can see why she acted as she did. Doesn't mean I liked it, or agreed with it. Which is why (among other reasons) I aborted my unplanned/unwanted 3rd pregnancy.

After what I lived through, I couldn't be 100% sure I would love it, couldn't be 100% sure I wouldn't reject it, couldn't be 100% sure that he/she wouldn't be telling the story, in many years to come, that I am now. I mean, it probably wouldn't be, but at the time, I didn't have any thing else to say otherwise.

What I would find acceptable/preferable is the deceived partner walking away.

I dunno, I thought maybe people would see - from my experience - why it is a bad idea to bring an unwanted child into this world. My mother & father promised never to tell me. But she did.

You just don't know & can't see the future. Can't see that you would never tell another soul. Never get drunk & confess to the wrong person who then passes the info on.

You can never know that 'all has turned out OK' because there are (hopefully) years ahead of you all. Years which hold unpredictable events.

The only time it has all 'worked out ok' is when you finally take the secret, never shared with anyone, to your deathbed. Because after that, there is no way it can come out.

OP doesn't say how old her children are, so there is still ample opportunity for the wrong thing to be said to the wrong person.

It is something I can never condone.

[Mumcentreplus]

hearing [dammit]

[Mumcentreplus]

I'm off to bed me eye-balls are burning and I have work in the morning...nice speaking to you different and hears your views take care x

[Mumcentreplus]

Acutally people may not be able to control how the feel but they can certainly control their actions...

[Mumcentreplus]

different I think we are on the same page when it comes to deception...but the behaviour or reaction you described i would never agree is acceptable please don't confuse them...imo lifes too short to force ot trick someone to have children with you..and if for some crazy-arse reason I lost my friggin mind and did what some have done.. I know i would tell my DH...and deal with the consequences thats just me..

[differentnameforthis]

And regardless of it is acceptable or not, it happens. And some people aren't in control of what they feel are they? Other wise we wouldn't have PND (NOT comparing the two, trying to point out how fragile the mind can be)

My tale is one of caution, I feel. Of what can & does happen when forced to become a parent against your wishes.

Both my parents got it wrong. Badly. But for their reasons decided to go ahead & bring me into this world. Only my mum couldn't make it work. Yes, she could have tried harder, could have sent me elsewhere...but it wasn't done in those days, not in our family anyway. She comes from a very strong ethos of 'made your bed, lie in it' and to this day she believes this.

She did indeed lie in her bed, but she didn't have the will or strength to make it anything other than what it was.

Yes, I blame her. I blame dad too. But ultimately, the reason it all happened, is because she was forced to bring a child into this world that she didn't want.

Exactly the same as some men are forced day after day!

[differentnameforthis]

mum , not planned but both on board is different from purposefully deceiving a partner who doesn't want children or isn't ready and passing it off as an accident!

How many more times.....

[Mumcentreplus]

my second baby was not planned as I explained earlier in the thread but that did not give me or her father the right to distance ourselves from her conception ...

all the planning in the world can still result in a situation a parent cannot fore-tell but to reject that child or to tell that child you did not want her and tried numerous times to abort her is abusive ..

I would never trick my partner into having a child with me but to use that as an excuse for that type of behaviour towards your child?..not acceptable

[AmandaCooper]

I have no intention of deceiving him.

[differentnameforthis]

Yes, Amanda, of course it happens when children are planned....but you said it was unusual, not me!

But more reason, no...to make sure it is planned, so you have the best possible reaction from the off.

Again, all of you thinking about what YOU want. And not what a BABY needs!

So selfish!

[differentnameforthis]

Unless he found out you deceived him, Amanda.

[differentnameforthis]

As I have said, I have no idea how my conception came about. Just that it did. I don't think she was tricked into getting pregnant. But I don't know.

She couldn't abort, dad would never have allowed it & her family would have had a lot to say about it.

She didn't make a choice, she had no alternative. She threw herself down the stairs, she drank copious amounts of alcohol & took a very hot bath (all old wives tales that may induce a miscarriage). As well as taking some pills that could have had an effect.

After these failed attempts, when it because obvious that I was going nowhere, she talked to dad saying that she didn't want me, that she would give me up for adoption.

But from being talked around, she promised my dad to try, she promised herself too...she had 2 other children she adored, so they convinced themselves it was shock & she would be OK.

She wasn't. So dad took over doing the main bulk of my childcare & from what I remember, life was OK. Then he left when I was 5. And that is when she stopped coping with having me around. And when most of the emotional abuse started.

[AmandaCooper]

Well there you are then, you've said it yourself, this sort of thing can happen to anyone, whether a pregnancy is planned or not.

I realise I cannot know what will or won't happen. But I don't think that me and DH having an unplanned rather than a planned baby at this stage and time in our lives would increase the risk of this happening in any significant way.

[differentnameforthis]

her father didn't want her

[Mumcentreplus]

so sorry to here that Different..

But that situation still seems different to the OPs was your mum tricked in prenancy in some way by your dad??

She sounds like she made a choice and things just didn't pan out..tbh I'm shocked at her behaviour no matter how truthful she felt she was being she deeply hurt her child to ease her conscience..

perhaps she had some kind of PND..i don't know i just see she hurt you and that to me was unforgivable...if anything, the fact i felt that way at any point about one of my children would probably make me give them even more love and attention not the other way around..

[differentnameforthis]

Well good luck with your life Amanda. The fact is, is that you cannot know, in all honesty!

My own mother thought she could do it, my father thought she could. But when push came to shove, it didn't happen.

You can't know. You just can't. We all take risks when having children. Those who desperately wanted them all through pregnancy suddenly reject them. I am sure I have read posts here in the past about such a thing, I certainly witnessed it with a friend. It took her 5yrs to accept she had a child. By that time her husband left her & their child was sent to live with it's grandparents.

Or my cousin, whose mother died in childbirth & her father didn't want it. She lived with her grandparents too.

I can't believe that no thinks parental rejection doesn't happen!

[AmandaCooper]

Also, I'm not talking about the likely reaction of any old stranger in the street here, I'm talking about my own DH who I know and love.

[AmandaCooper]

Yes I do think it would be extreme and unusual for a loving and supportive man who is quite open to having children in the future to go from being in perfect mental health to abusing, neglecting and rejecting his own child throughout the whole of its childhood, just because it wasn't planned.

[differentnameforthis]

Is it extreme & unusual?

A parent not wanting a baby rejects it? I don't think so,....there is the potential for that any time a woman tricks a man into fathering a child.

Just because I seem to be the only one of this thread who is sharing her experience of not being wanted (which all of you who think this is OK are choosing to ignore), doesn't mean I am the only one in the world.

Children do find out. I can't believe any one thinks they don't!