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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have just thrown MIL out of my house and told her not to come back.

167 replies

ShadeofViolet · 07/11/2010 09:18

I have posted before about MIL and her favouritism of DD over both my boys.

In our house we split the weekend so that one of us gets a lie-in. Normally I lie in on Sundays (its a common known thing withing his family) but he went out last night so we swapped.

At 8.30 there was a knock at the door and MIL was there - looking very shocked to see me answer it. She had come to bring DD an advent calendar. Nothing for the boys. DS1 was awake too and he was very upset. The advent calendar was a Dora one (DD loves Dora) and MIL made it clear it was for DD 'I saw it and thought she would like it'.

I told her to take her advent calender and stick it up her arse. I know it was a bad move but I was so upset as DS1 was in tears. Then I slammed to door in her face.

She has since sent DH a text saying 'blood is thicker than water'. DH says I should not have been rude Hmm

I am so cross - this is not the first time but its the final straw.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 07/11/2010 10:11

goblin - no, she is saying that she didnt buy DS1 an advent calendar because he ignores her. He doesnt interact with her like he used to, but thats probably to do with the fact that he can see she likes DD more than him.

OP posts:
anonacfr · 07/11/2010 10:12

So she's not blaming the nine year old, she's blaming the THREE year old.

Lovely.

BubbaAndBump · 07/11/2010 10:13

Would she respond to a written list of things she's done/said to favour your DD over your DSs? With a kind of "I'm sure you don't mean to..., but..., and this is how it makes us and DSs feel..."

She might then have a chance to read it without being under pressure to respond and then may see what she's doing? She may genuinely be unaware of her actions? (Or am I being too kind? I have a feeling I am!)

diddl · 07/11/2010 10:16

Well if she didn´t buy the oldest boy a, AC because he "ignores her"Hmm, what was her reason for not buying the younger son one?

Goblinchild · 07/11/2010 10:17

It's just me, but I'd keep a log of incidents and comments that backed me up, so that I could either quote accurately, or hit her over the head with it.
Totally without the children's knowledge, but I'd tell my OH so that he came to realise what a corrosive, poisonous and vile relationship his mother has with her grandchildren.

Onetoomanycornettos · 07/11/2010 10:17

Shade of Violet, you are absolutely in the right here, and although in an ideal world, you shouldn't have lost your temper, perhaps it will start to sink in for her. You don't give presents depending on how likeable the child is at any given moment! There are many times when our children move away from us, or aren't especially nice, or we just don't connect properly for a few weeks; not giving presents in that time is just not an option. In fact, that's more reason to go out of your way to build bridges during this time.

You are right to put your foot down. Don't reason with her, her reasons are barmy anyway, just keep repeating 'everyone gets a present, or no-one gets one' 'everyone gets an advent calender or no-one gets one', that's the rule in our house (apart from birthdays obviously).

As for DH, he needs to get defensive on his son's behalf. Favouring a cute three year old and rejecting a nine year old is just not on, full stop. He must not tolerate this (show him the thread perhaps?)

Guacamole · 07/11/2010 10:17

Seriously, get your DH to tell her until she starts treating her Grandchildren equally she doesn't see them.

If he won't do that... I'd send him off back to his Mummy, see how long it will be before he realises his Mother is totally unreasonable!
Your poor DSs, I can't imagine how they must feel knowing they are not loved by their Granny.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/11/2010 10:18

She sounds like a bitch. Does she not realize that the oldest ignores her because she favours the youngest?

TheProvincialLady · 07/11/2010 10:18

A conversation in the line of "Your favouritism towards DD is not good for any of the children. If you had any genuine feeling towards DD then you would see that singling her out for special treatment is very bad for her. So until such time as you can behave like an adult, you won't be seeing ANY of them" might do more good.

ApocalypseCheese · 07/11/2010 10:18

Yanbu Shock

What an evil cow, how could anybody do that ??

Fwiw ALL the children in my family are treated the same, whether they're step, family, fallen off the back of the lorry. Whatever.

We even used to get a pile of pressies for the younger siblings of a girl my mum used to foster, we felt they should all be equal, t'is the only way imo.

Fwiw I think your dh needs to grow a backbone, i'd be doing some serious nagging is in order today Wink

After that I think a family trip to the shops to choose advent calenders for EACH child is on the cards Smile

MmeLindt · 07/11/2010 10:21

It is an end-of-tether reaction, not a nasty DIL reaction.

No wonder you lost it, and while that was not nice, it was totally understandable.

You DH needs to stand up for his sons. If she wants back in your house, she HAS to treat all three of your children the same.

Rosebud05 · 07/11/2010 10:21

Fair dos to you. We have a not dissimilar situation in my family with my mother, who has 'dropped' dd in favour of ds as he is a)easier to delight as he is 1 b)has a more laid back personality and will let her pick him up etc.

My mother has absolutely no capacity for self-reflection, but I still try for my kids benefit to suggest why eg dd doesn't want to speak to her on the phone ("maybe it's because you said 'I won't come to see you again' about 10 times in the space of 6 hours the other day because she wouldn't give you a cuddle/pass you something you wanted).

When I don't have the patience for this, or she catches me at a bad moment, I lose my temper and tell her what I think. This of course leads to a massive dose of 'poor me... I was only joking...where's your sense of humour?' from her but fuck her.

I do try to avoid arguments as we don't see her too often (she doesn't live that far away but is incredibly unhospitable and it's only when duty calls that I make arrangements) and she's in her 70s. But favouritism is cruel, spiteful and has long-term ramifications and kids need someone to stand up for them.

Vallhala · 07/11/2010 10:21

Nice idea about the family trip to buy each child an Advent calendar, Apocalypse. :)

Guacamole · 07/11/2010 10:22

What ProvincialLady said, she said it so much better than me, but I'd still get your DH to do it!

PhishFoodAddiction · 07/11/2010 10:25

YADNBU here, your MIL sounds like a poisonous old hag!

I hate this kind of favouritism. My step-grandma loved me when I was an only child...but as soon as my sister was born (her bio grandchild) then I was out in the cold! Mind you it was the same when my other siblings came along, the youngest was always the favourite. Very sad.

IMO all children should be treated equally- eg they all get an advent calendar or none do. You're right to stand your ground.

lucy101 · 07/11/2010 10:25

Another poster made an excellent point about your DH needing to be seen by your DS's to be standing up to her - if he doesn't this is almost worse than the favouritism in the first place. Do you think explaining that to your DH might help bringing him on board more a zero tolerance policy from now on?

I had a not dissimilar situation with my DH and his brother (who has been abusive towards me). My DH not sticking up for me was worse than the actual abuse... but it took some time for DH's behaviour to change towards his brother and for DH to put boundaries put in place. My DH was 'used' to the bad behaviour in a way (as your DH might be from his mum... and of course all the emotional blackmail and tears is very effective) so it took quite a journey (and other wise people to speak to DH) before he realised that is was not acceptable.

Glad you stuck up for your boys though!

diddl · 07/11/2010 10:30

I can see how a younger one might be "favoured" in terms of them being easier to cuddle-but FFS, buying three AC, it´s hardly bloody difficult, is it?

redflag · 07/11/2010 10:34

You husband needs to get a grip, You are in the right, may have been a bit strongly worded but who gives a crap!

Your husband needs to tell his mother! She is a dick!

TandB · 07/11/2010 10:34

I agree with Apocalypsecheese - the only appropriate way for children to be treated by family members is absolutely equally, no matter what their age, sex, or whether they are blood or step-relatives.

My grandparents-in-law have nearly 30 descendants across 3 generations and at a recent family occasion there were photos taken of each of the generations. There was a non-related child there whose mother is the long-term girlfriend of one of the grandchildren and my grandparents-in-law absolutely insisted that he should be in the relevant photo because "he is family too".

RealityBomb · 07/11/2010 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseCheese · 07/11/2010 10:39

I'm full of nice ideas Valhalla

Plus it irks because we have a similar situation within our family, i've found the only way to deal with it is to avoid them as much as possible, found the whole situation too painful Sad

Goblinchild · 07/11/2010 10:39

kungfupannda, there are some lovely people around, your grandparents-in-law being good examples. Smile

giveitago · 07/11/2010 10:40

This has been going on a long time and taking the moral high ground hasn't helped.

Not a nice scene this morning but there you go.

Your dh needs the biggest kick up his arse - he is letting this happen time and time again.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/11/2010 10:40

I actually dont understand how your husband can stand there and basically agree that his daughter should have preferential treatment over his sons?

My mum has very clear memories of her aunt. My mum has an older sister. She would get fab presents. One year she got a real dolls house for Christmas, my mum got a note pad. This is how Antie Mabel is spoken about in our house. My mum is 75 and this treatment have stayed with her for life and she developed a deep rooted hatred for this aunt.

Is this how your husband want his sons to feel? Is this what he want your sons to feel about his mum?

curlymama · 07/11/2010 10:44

Ok, so what you need to do next is get Dh on side, but make him think that it's his choice for him to be on side, rather than you 'forcing' him into it.

You will need to play the bitch-in-law at her own game. turn on the waterworks yourself if you have to. Bring out every womanly manipulative skill that you have. I don't know what your DH responds to, but work it girl! The fact is that he will be torn, no matter how horrible his Mum is, she's his Mum, and he is a man that will want an easy life and to keep everyone happy. It's great that he phoned her and told her why you were angry, so make sure he knows that you appreciate that he has done that and how fantastic you think he is for sticking up for his wife and children.

My friend uses a saying that she picked up from her MIL, and I love it. They are muslim, and the men always make the ultimate descisions in their family. She says her husband is the head, and has the power to do what he wants, but she is the neck and she can make him turn whichever way she wants. So true, as long as the women use what they have correctly!