I have just thrown MIL out of my house and told her not to come back.

[ShadeofViolet]

I have posted before about MIL and her favouritism of DD over both my boys.

In our house we split the weekend so that one of us gets a lie-in. Normally I lie in on Sundays (its a common known thing withing his family) but he went out last night so we swapped.

At 8.30 there was a knock at the door and MIL was there - looking very shocked to see me answer it. She had come to bring DD an advent calendar. Nothing for the boys. DS1 was awake too and he was very upset. The advent calendar was a Dora one (DD loves Dora) and MIL made it clear it was for DD 'I saw it and thought she would like it'.

I told her to take her advent calender and stick it up her arse. I know it was a bad move but I was so upset as DS1 was in tears. Then I slammed to door in her face.

She has since sent DH a text saying 'blood is thicker than water'. DH says I should not have been rude

I am so cross - this is not the first time but its the final straw.

[WassaAxolotl]

Oops, double post.

I think you need to ask your husband why he's okay with the preferential treatment. Maybe he feels sorry for her because she never got the daughter she wanted? Or maybe he thinks that she's too minor a part of the children's lives for them to be hurt.

[Pennies]

My gran favoured my bro over me all her life.

She was a total cow to me even in front of my parents. I remember she called me a "shameless hussy" when I'd been mucking around with some of my mum's old make up. I was about 7 or 8 at the time. On other occasions she went on about me being over weight (I absolutely wasn't). No-one ever put her in her place.

When she died she left my bro £10,000 and gave me £500. I was 11 years old when she made her will.

You did the right thing.

[ChippingIn]

OMG - if I wasn't already pissed off, that would have done it!!

'It's not her fault you were up and not me'

WTF

So, clearly he thinks DD being favoured is just fine. Right.....

[twinklingfairy]

My own mum has been guilty of this, when my DS was small.
I can't remember specifics, but I am not sure if they bought him anything for his first birthday?
Though that was actually my dad. I asked for a play table thing, which he refused to buy saying that DS did not need it, we had plenty of toys in our house already.
For his first christmass, my mum told my DB not to get him anything, he didn't need anything, apparently.

DS first year was a struggle, he was a clingy creature and a bit if a mizzy babe. My mum found that very hard to deal with after DD had been such an easy going baby.
I think for that first year she was very put out that DS wouldn't come to her and this was reflected in her present giving.
She text at one point asking for DDs sizes, I responded with them. Then sent a follow up text saying 'by the way DSs sizes are....'
Do you know I think it was at that point that things improved.
So did DS who is now a cracking wee man at 2yrs, mum is now every bit as smitten with him as she was with DD.

But it was a hard time.

OP hope your DH bucks his ideas up. Not impressed with is not her fault that he was not up line
Sounds that he has not learnt a thing yet. But I guess you are being very grown up ( I know I couldn't wait that long) in keeping hold of your tongue until LOs are all in bed.

I think that going to buy your own ACs is a good idea too, though it may fan the fires a little?
Maybe best to give MIL the opportunity to correct her mistake.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Just read your latest post. Tbh, you have more of a problem with your DH than you do with your MIl. I would take this out of his hands and tell him how things are going to be from now on. For me it would mean his mother having no contact with my children until she agrees to treat them all equally. She simply wouldn't be allowed in my house, end of discussion.

I would be horrified if my DH was too weak to stand up for his own son and he would be feeling my wrath about now. You won't be able to be with your DC 24/7 so have to ensure that he doesn't undermine you further by giving her contact behind your back, because he has already allowed behaviour that you wouldn't have tolerated.

You can't stop him from seeing her on his own, but if he has anything about him he will present a united front to his mother.

Stay strong. You are right to put a stop to all this.

[Suda]

My DH has no daughters so had/has an incredibly strong bond with his first grandchild - a DGD - she is totally the apple of his eye. 4yrs later along comes DGS - and my DH openly admitted - but only to me I hasten to add that he found it very difficult to bond with him and didnt think he could ever love him as much as DGD - it really cut him up tbh. Now a few years on he is equally smitten - but he never ever trreated them differently - ever.

[renaldo]

You should apologise for slamming the door in her face and swearing - that is an unacceptable way for an adult to behave. THEN you should calmy sit down with your DH and discuss the situation and make some ground rules about acceptable behaviour and present giving.

[loonyrationalist]

YANBU - it could have been handled better & you & DH need to get your act together & present a united front.

My Grandma favoured me over my brothers - she had 4 sons & always wanted a girl is her explanation.

I have no idea why my parents never called her on it other than they didn't want to accept it. My parents just used to compensate my brothers - better than ignoring it but still damaging.

FWIW we knew from an early age that she was unreasonable & I called her on it from the age of about 12 (so she stopped buying anything for any of us - that would have been perfectly fine 12 years ago so no idea why her reaction was so feared)

None of us (even me who was showered with gifts) ever wanted to visit her & even now I keep my contact to the bare minimum. My brothers never see her.

Children do have a state of fairness & your dd will see through the gifts sooner than you think - however it is an awful example to allow her to set & I repeat you & DH must present a united front against it now.

[PacificDogwood]

I so totally agree that you and your DH need to have A Chat - he seems to be prepared to collude in his mother's unfair behaviour towards his son.

My mother favours my DS1 over DS2 (DS1 is superficially the more 'charming' child and also was the much longed for and long awaited 1st grandchild), but at least she is aware of it and to give her credit she really does do her best to not let it show too much - she sometimes needs a gentle reminder...

What I am trying to say, even accepting that your MIL was/is very excited about having a girl GC does not excuse or allow for very blatant disadvantaging of her boy GCs.

[ohforfoxsake]

I really think you need to be more strategic than stubborn, which is why I suggested apologising for slamming the door on her. You don't have anything else to apologise for.

But you can't deny your DD her relationship with your grandmother, or the potential relationship of your DSs if you can get this sorted. Its also not fair on DH who will be in the middle of it. Who wouldn't want their son to show them some loyalty (even if you can't accept you're as mad as a cut snake). Thing is, until they are old enough to do it themselves, you have to facilitate their relationships. Because I do believe that grandparents have a lot to offer. Even if they get it horribly wrong as she does. (and as my own mother does).

In a way, it is YOU who is stuck in the middle - of your DH and DCs. It is also you who can go someway to sorting it out - or at least being able to look the DCs in the eye and say you did your best.

[ohforfoxsake]

sorry, I'm not sure that made perfect sense. Something to do with a ukelele and a trumpet to my right.

[Silver1]

It strikes me your MIL was looking to see if your DH would tolerate the favoritism she thought he would be up, and she only had one gift, I bet secretly she wanted him to submit to her power trip over him and the kids.Messing with him like that, is in some ways as cruel as messing with the boys self esteem.
TBH she seems a bit messed up-and not the sort of person I would want around my kids.

The other thing that suggests she was up to something was that she offered an advent calender and we are still a good few weeks from advent.

[WassaAxolotl]

Have been thinking about it a bit, and shouldn't you demand that she apologise first for trying to sneak unfair treatment by while you were asleep? She's deliberately going against your wishes, behind your back.

I really do have some sympathy for your husband, as I suspect he might have had years and years of brainwashing during his childhood about girls being better and worthier of more.

That said, he's going to have to get over it. It's not fair on your poor children.

[Animation]

You've got to have some personality disorder to do such blatant favouritism. It's a sign of very primitive functioning to categorise your grandkids into good and bad like that, the girl is all good and the boys are all bad. Crazy.

Yes, It's possible this woman's behaviour has affected your husband's self-eseem over the years. She sounds very toxic.

[ohforfoxsake]

Problem is if you in demanding an apology she'll get defensive, so a passive-aggressive stance (I believe its called) is needed here.

Kill her with kindness. It will also help DH stay onside as OP will be oh so reasonable, level headed and right - which of course we all know she is.

Alternatively, print off this thread and post it to her.

Dear Nana

YOU ARE MAD LADY!

love OFFS

[dorisdazed]

I think she got off lightly. I'd have punched her. Good for you xx

[becaroo]

Agree with madam If your dh isnt careful you and his dc will end up resenting him for not stopping this.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, how did the conversation with your husband go last night?

[Ormirian]

What has been her response when you have tackled her on this before?

[chipmonkey]

In defence of most women who have only boys, can I just say that I would never behave like this if I had a dgd!

I think your dh is also BU. It wasn't her fault that you were up, not him?So presumably then he would have taken the calender and said nothing and let your ds be upset! That is shocking! He should be standing up for you and your boys!

[FreudianSlimmery]

only skimmed thread, will read later but OMG your poor boys and poor you. Well done for standing up to mil.

[PacificDogwood]

OMG, the thought that having 'only' boys could be any excuse for this kind of behaviour has not even occurred to me !
I have 4 boys and as much as a girl would have been welcome in this family, I sincerely hope I will not behave like the OP's MIL towards any potental GCs - I just cannot imagine it.

Shade, did you have that converstation with your DH? Can't have been easy...

[anonymosity]

1. fix the situation with your DH
   
2. Reassure the DCs
   
3. Apologise to MIL
   
4. Make clear to MIL what is and is not acceptable.
   
5. Get DH to reinforce 4