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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbour problems

184 replies

VivienScott · 02/11/2010 17:43

My new neighbour is having an extension built. As part of this the builders need to put scaffolding up on the pathway down the side of my house. The pathway is wholy my land and we use it a great deal, it where the milkman delivers milk, the postman delivers parcels through the side door in the cat flap if we're not there, the bins are, it's also the door to the house we use if we've been out and are muddy, and most importantly, it's the door to the garden the kids use, the other option is mud through the living room and on the carpets.

The neighbour came round last week and asked if it was OK to put up scaffolding and said the the estimated time would be at least three months, throughout which the builders would need access to the scaffolding and therefore my land. I wasn't exactly happy about this but in the spirit of neighbourliness I said yes but it was not to obstruct the passageway, the side door or the cat flap.

So today the scaffolders have turned up, started erecting the scaffolding without even the common courtesy of a knock at the door to let me know and then proceeded to put a post up right in front of the door blocking it and the cat flap and also the first level walkway across the door!!! I went out and told them to stop and take it down because I'd not agreed to it, which eventually they did. I said unless they could come up with a way of putting it up without causing an obstruction it had to go, they said they can't for whatever reason (I think they were being a bit jobsworth) and left.

Anyway the neighbour has just left my doorstep, she's at work during the day so wasn't there when the scaffolders were, asked me if there was anyway round it, I said no not for that length of time, it would be like no front door for 3 months we use the side door so much. She then said could she speak to my husband as perhaps me being a stay at home mum had left me with a distorted view of the real world where people were actually willing to look beyond their own needs and those of their pets and children because unless I give permission they can't build the extension as they need the scaffolding!!!! She then threatened legal action against me, said she was entitled to temporary access to the land, which I know she isn't. Needless to say I told her to hop it in slightly more colourful language.

Apart from it ending in a slanging match I'm beginning to wonder should I just put up with the massive hassle of it for 3+ months in order to just preserve neighbourly relations or, given her rudeness, and the fact it is a massive pain in the neck and I'm under no legal obligation to give permission, despite what she tried to tell me, just stick to my guns. OH thinks we should tell her to f off, but he would!

She's only been there a little while and I don't really know her at all, but she's always seemed a bit highly strung. Rational side is saying just give in for a quiet life, stubborn side of me thinks if she can't be polite she deserves nothing and giving into her will just encourage her ridiculous behaviour.

Which side of me is BU???

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 02/11/2010 21:31

I was going to say perhaps she had a really bad day, pmt, and kids having a tantrum, etc etc etc. But she was being very rude and very unreasonable and would need to do some major apologising with bottle of wine flowers or chocolates.

However it seems from her latest visit that i am wrong. Sorry. You are amazing. You are not being unreasonable at all. I can't think why anyone would think you are, given that you gave your permission originally and she abused that. hope you sort it out.

as for the sahm thing, Shock

trixymalixy · 02/11/2010 21:31

Have to say I'm with your dh and you are practically saintly!! I would def have let her make the first move.

Unfortunately some people are just loons and no matter how reasonable you are they will be trouble. Sounds like she will be a bit of a probl neighbour. I hope not for your sake!

midnightmunchies · 02/11/2010 21:39

YANBU, my neighbours had an extension which started this time last year - was only supposed to take a couple of months and has only just finished. They blocked access to the path to the rear of my property which meant everything for the garden had to go through the house and the mud was terrible. they splashed concrete all over my back wall and having agreed to them doing some work on a shared roof, that they said would only take a week, I was left with out a proper roof on my kitchen through the entire winter!

You must get advice from a Party Wall solicitor if they are building any where near your property and get a party wall agreement drawn up.

hope it all works out for you

domeafavour · 02/11/2010 21:42

ooh, I had huge row with my neighbour about this kind of thing, but I was the one having the work done!
In my case she wasn't happy cos the scaffolding infringed on her property by a couple of inches! I mean just a couple of poles sticking over the territory line on the first floor.
YANBU at all.
I must say though, that a lot of the time the scaffolders have nothing to do with the builders, they are just booked in to do the job, don't really have the details of the job, IYSWIM?
The scaffolders will get round it, if it's just a case of moving it a couple of feet.
Good for you for telling her off, patronising cow!

Suda · 02/11/2010 21:48

I really think rather than having to take photographs - thrash out agreements and conditions, put up with months of hassle ( and there will be lots Ive no doubt) - not to mention the muck and inconvenience - solicitors letters and blah bloody blah - I really think you should listen to your husband and tell her NO and just completely detach yourself from her. You seem to be resigned to the fact your going to have a nightmare with her - you already can see she's got trouble written through her like a stick of rock - so WHY? Her attitude has already got worse obviously from your last post since you've given an inch to her - she's not only arrogant she's blatantly lying aswell - she knows full well you werent being difficult - you made it clear you didnt want your door blocking ( whether it opens in or opens out ! )and her scaffolders did just - she's just using that as an excuse. I really fear you will regret accomodating her - she is going to be a cow whether you do or you dont - thats obvious - so you might aswell spare yourself all that grief.

Still with your DH I'm afraid - tell her to fuck off go away. Detach detach detach.

kitbit · 02/11/2010 21:57

No. It's a fire exit. It cannot be blocked, end of. She hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Her little display today was probably down to stress, I might be inclined to cut her some slack on that one, and I like a previous poster's idea of getting them round for coffee to discuss calmly. You can tell them you are happy to be as accommodating as possible, but there are some things that are not negotiable. Including blocking a fire exit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/11/2010 22:05

I'd be inclined to side with your OH on this one and just say no. If she's going to be this difficult at this stage she will be a nightmare further into the job. She sounds like a "give them an inch" sort of person.

You say she hasn't been there long. Maybe she'll move if she can't get the extension done on the cheap to suit her?

Suda · 02/11/2010 22:11

No you dont have to check out builders public liability.

No you dont have to contact local authority to check out party wall implications.

In fact you dont have to put up with any of this shit full stop.

What precedent and message is being sent out if you give in to this woman in reward for her appalling attitude ?

cumfy · 02/11/2010 22:14

She seems like a complete space cadet.

Very inflated sense of entitlement.

Pancakeflipper · 02/11/2010 22:24

Also put in your contract of being on your land they don't wee in your shrubs. My friend's back garden smelt like a public loo when their neighbours had a extension. She caught them having a tiddle behind her conifer.

MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 02/11/2010 22:27

YANBU - in fact you've been incredibly reasonable. I'm with your dh.

I am Angry at her rudeness.

So that is how she behaves when she wants a favour? Don't give her an inch she sounds like a nightmare for the future if you do.

chitchat09 · 02/11/2010 22:28

Please, please, please check your insurancer status! If you have scaffolding up against your building you may well have to contact your insurers else you won't be covered. They may also charge you more for insuring for that period of time, in which case you may want to pass that on as a cost to your neighbour.

LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 02/11/2010 22:33

VS, Sleep on it.

If you don't want the hassle, genuinely, you don't have to put up with it.

'No is a complete sentence' and all that!

You can just say no.

Smiles at Suda, you are learning aren't you?!

zipzap · 02/11/2010 22:35

I'd also ring up your house insurance and find out if it affects your contents or buildings insurance premiums and for what reasons... say at this stage there is a possibility that your neighbour might be putting scaffolding up around you to build their extension but they are also looking at other options.

we lived in a block of flats once that was being built next to and had scaffolding by us for months - it affected our premiums because it made it much easier for burglars to access our 3rd floor windows plus there was potential for the substance of the property to be affected so even if there wasn't a problem immediately there could be a weak spot created that might need fixing later on. Also be not telling them you might invalidate your insurance and thus not get anything at all if there was a problem.

Would definitely find out if your premiums will be affected and if so by how much - and if the increase would continue beyond the time the scaffolding is taken down.

And - definitely pass the cost on to the neighbour - would be outrageous to expect you to pay higher premiums because of her scaffolding!

having skimmed the rest of the thread - yadnbu - so many other good points raised by everyone about how unreasonable she is being.

TheSkiingGardener · 02/11/2010 22:37

I think you've confused her. Your a SAHM and therefore should have pink fluff for brains. As it happens, you don't and she now doesn't know how to deal with you!

Silly bint. (Her, not you)

Suda · 02/11/2010 22:56

Hiya LITTLEMISS - Thought I recognised that 'No is a complete sentence'.

Oh yes I am learning - in fact I might have to even tone down. Having much less trouble with demanding relatives since I shot them started saying No.Hmm

Grin Grin

GiddyPickle · 02/11/2010 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suda · 02/11/2010 23:00

No you dont have to check your household insurance policy to check if its invalidated.

No you dont have to put a clause in your 'agreement' saying no peeing in your shrubs.

You dont have to do anything - 'No is a complete sentence'.

Suda · 02/11/2010 23:03

< LITTLEMISS looks proudly on >

Suda · 02/11/2010 23:07

Yes Giddy - You are so right. As I said shes gonna be a cow either way so keep well away IMO.

anonymosity · 02/11/2010 23:08

I haven't read this whole 4 pages (sorry) but you're entirely within your rights. Go to the council and get her planning permission blocked on the basis that it restricts normal use of your home and endangers your safety (scaffolding being a route to upper windows etc).

What a cow to have a go at you. She should be baking cakes and throwing you surprise parties in the hope to bring you round.

GiddyPickle · 02/11/2010 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonymosity · 02/11/2010 23:24

That's true.

LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 02/11/2010 23:48

Wonder if Mrs Extension is a MNer...

giantpurplepeopleeater · 03/11/2010 08:04

Am a bit Shock at some of the responses on here.

To my mind you have been perfectly reasonable - explaining you were willing to accept it if your access wasn't restricted. You did the right thing when you saw what the builders were doing.

The builders response was tosh - they can and often do put scaffolding up in more difficult spaces. What this will be about is money. The neighbours or builders have decided to do it in such a way to fit it into the quote.

As for reactions here - neighbourliness is a two way street. Why should you accept all this crap for the sake of a relationship with a 'neighbour' who seems to have given NO thought to the impact on you adn how you might feel whatsoever, and instead heas been RUDE and SEXIST towards you.

I would not back down.

I would re-iterate to her (perhaps both you and your hisband) that you agree to the scaffolding on the provision that your access to the door is not restricted. Explain that this did not happen, which is why you challenged the builders. Explain that you would again be willing to have scaffolding AS LONG AS YOUR ACCESS IS NOT DENIED. And don't move from this position.

It is a sensible position to hold - any why should you compromise for a 'neighbour' who has acted this way??