to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

[catholicatheist]

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

Smile with dh but be firm. The passive aggression will start soon from his mum and you will be branded paranoid and oversensitive.

If you can, smile but do it your own way. It's not fair. But your dh will be told by his mum, oh we only want to help, we only want to see the baby, we love the baby, we don't want to interfere, poor catholic, she must want someone in to clean, she can't cook she must come over for something to eat, that's what family is for, we're only trying to help.

It can be absolutely pernicious. All done in a way to make you look churlish if you reject it.

queen you must have wanted to weep

Yes funny you should mention the cleaning thing as she said to me over the phone 'I am coming to your house to clean it properly before the baby arrives'. I said it was okay and I didnt want that as the house is fine and anything that needs doing DH can do but she wasnt having any of it. I wonder what that is about?

shudder

according to her, trying to help

in reality, she assumes house is too filthy, she cleans better than you, you will owe her something and find it difficult to say no to her presence, getting foot in door, control..she's losing her son, not really but that's how she feels, and she needs to still "look after"

bet she's a lovely normal person when not in mil mode

but that doesn't matter..she has OBVIOUSLY forgotten what it's like to have a baby

obviously -- hold that thought when she tries to tell you how things shoudl be done

she's forgotten how it feels, or she would never, never be doing it

I have resolved to take any future DIL aside, however much I approve/disapprove, and say, please tell me if I'm overstepping. Because unhappy mum can mean unhappy child and who wants an unhappy grandchild

appletrees is 100% right on that one...

they say they want to help. but it's not really that.

Too right I did - but I think I was too tired!

I guess she thinks that only another woman can really know what clean actually means? Maybe consider asking her to do washing and ironing after the baby is born. That would be much more help methinks - especially if it means her taking it away and bringing it back rather than being in the house for hours. It might help her to feel useful for a couple of weeks and might make your life a little easier having a couple less jobs to do.

I dont think I would ever feel it appropriate to suggest cleaning another womans home as it is too intrusive. I know some people would be okay with it but I am a private person and besides she would be trying to chuck my whole house out in the bin! She has virtually NOTHING in hers and my house would seem very cluttered by comparison (although my own mother thinks mine is super organised, which compared to hers it is..lol). I did wonder about that but I reckon your tight appletrees..its just another control thing!

Catholic, look at how bitter and sour I am. It's because I'm still living with the consequences. Don't be like this, don't let your mil do this. Hold yourself, hold your head high and have confidence. And do things your way, with all the respect and politeness you can muster for as long as possible, but, I'm sorry to say, without the benefit of the doubt. If you are polite but firm at the beginning, then if you do at some point have to be rude, you KNOW you've behaved properly and can't be accused of anything.

I wouldn't want my MIL cleaning my house and rummaging about in it. I would politely and firmly decline the offer and if she goes on about it say that you don't think your house is dirty and don't like her talking as though it is.
It does sound as though she treats you like a small child.
I hate being mothered and told what to do. Thankfully all relatives were sensible and no-one expected to be there at the births and all were phoned at a reasonable hour the day after the baby arrived.
Neither of my husbands would start telling me what their mothers were planning to do, and both would have no difficulty in politely telling their parents to back off and give us some space.

It's all classic tactics to establish 'dominance' and guilt-trip you into allowing her access, whereupon she will likely try to establish herself as the expert and sideline you/ruin your confidence. Has she also bought a load of 'the right kind of baby clothing/nappies/toys/bedding' yet?

Really, she does need to be put back into her box. If she tries to overstep and grab her non-existent 'rights', she will likely push you and her GC away and lose everything. It's actually kinder in the long run to nail this nonsense now, when it is you, and her and the baby is not yet born.

No but she has undermined my choice of buying him knitted clothes ('why do you want him looking old fashioned..oooh nooo') and has gone on about what pram I should get and cot etc etc

Agree with Miffster - she is playing Alpha female with you.

Nip it is the bud now as, all to often, this kind of nonsense spirals out of control.

i'M WITH 2rebecca, NO WAY would I want anyone cleaning my house for me; not even my own mum!

yep. my MIl tried this on with me. I felt a bit like throwing her out - it is an insult.

it is saying 'your house is dirty'

This is a very good article.

Worth a read about the MiL/DiL power struggle , plus advice for both parties.

Maybe you could even send it to her saying you found it interesting and would like to know what she thinks of it? At the very least it might flag up to her that you are aware of what is going on.

I totally agree - best to nip it in the bud now before she really goes to town once your DS comes along. How dare she dictate to you - you are becoming a Mum now and this is your time to say how you want things done for your DS, who will do them, how/where/why/when etc, NOT her!!!! You may find that she respects you moreso for standing up for yourself. This clearly isn't just about the birth, but about her 'position' in the family - she wants to be top dog - make sure this doesn't happen now, or you will regret it forever.

Great link Miffster!

Yes Purple it is clearly about dominance as it is not just this but a whole host of other things. I feel sorry for her but I cant let her ruin what should be the happiest time of my life.

Why feel sorry for her? She got to do what she wanted when she had her kids. How you give birth and who you have present is your choice.

And other posters don't be so quick to judge about the cleaning. The week before I gave birth I could hardly walk and had to crawl upstairs and come downstairs on my arse. I couldn't clean a damn thing and my DP was working silly hours overtime so he could afford to have time off. I was bloody grateful for my DM and MIL coming round to do housework.

I offered to clean for my DSIL before she gave birth and she snapped my hand off. No judgement involved. I just knew how bloody knackered she would be and wanted to lighten the load for her and my DB so they could enjoy their new baby and not worry about anything else. Such offers aren't always sinister and controlling.

you sound as though you have a good idea of the boundaries you would like in place / the sort of closeness / distance you feel comfortable with ... and those all sound perfectly reasonable (imo).
just reading your thread has stirred up awful memories for me of the way my 9late) MIL behaved when ds1 was born. The lead up to the birth sounds v similar in the sort of behaviour / demands of your MIL. My dh didn't stand up to her and following the birth she was completely totally impossible. I still feel v sad (13 years later) that she ruined the first year at least of our lives together and put a HUGE strain on my relationship with dh. I don't think it was because she was evil / controlling, more that the whole thing "stirred up" a whole truck load of issues for her and that she lost all sense of appropriate behaviour. I won't tell you the gory details but it was truly awful, a bit like being the victim of a stalker but from someone with whom you hope and expect to have a decent relationship.
your dh needs to stand up for you. we ended up in counselling after a year of being subjected to her madness. before the pregnancy she was perfectly sensible. shudder. really good luck op!

I think you should ask Mil very politely if you can come and view the next time she has a smear test or gynae examination... intrusive??????

Since the MIL-bashing is being handled expertly, my own piece of advice is just to bear in mind throughout the coming years is that 1) your MIL did actually turn out a decent enough child for you to marry him/start a family with him so she may actually have a tiny bit of useful experience 2)the occasional sentiment or piece of advice offered as a consequence of 1) may actually, believe it or not despite all the other posters' hints at dire control-freakery baby takeovers, be a GENUINE ATTEMPT to help and show support rather than a devious piece of manipulation designed to make you feel like a shit mother, 3) try to recognise occasions when your response to your MIL might, might, might just be because of your own sense of fear and insecurity that you're not 'doing it right' with your firstborn in front of someone you simply don't know very well, and 4) remember one day YOU WILL BE THE MIL!!

No, hideous thought of mil cleaning house. There would be comments about it for days, weeks. "Did you ever throw away those broken cups? I couldn't find that hoover attachment, I find it helps if I keep them all in a special box. I've rearranged the pans so they're nearer the cooker. I've bought you my type of scourers, they got that burnt on fat off your roasting dish"....etc till death

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Wanting reasonable boundaries is not "MIL-bashing". OP you are entitled to have a labour where you are not stressed and worried by your MIL hovering. It is safer for your baby.

My MIL is great- she would never do this stuff. That's how I know what your MIL is doing isn't something you should have to put up with. If and when you are a MIL, you won't do this stuff as you are a reasonable person.

penguin -- no I think that comes under "benefit of the doubt"

stick to your guns catholic don't doubt yourself as controlfreak says, if you don't, there could be serious long term damage to your relationship