to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

[catholicatheist]

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

Clearly you need to put your foot down and start as you mean to go on here, but perhaps make a gesture now to buffer any rejection she may feel. Maybe this could be her coming with you to register your LOs birth? Just something so she feels she is involved in the early days.

She is obviously comparing herself to your mum, OP, and I can understand this to an extent, but she is missing the obvious point that the labour is about the mum-to-be and her wants and needs. If you really don't think she will stick to the waiting room, then definitely don't call her when you're in labour.

But there is an obvious fear of being pushed out here, so if you want to make everyone's lives easier, make her feel involved even if you are resolute about not having her at the hospital.

gogoredpanda, you could be talking about my MIL. Catholic, reading this thread is bringing back the anxiety I felt from having my PIL waiting outside and the ongoing difficulty I have with them (17 weeks down the line) as a partial result of them not being willing to accept that I and DP are the people who make the decisions about our DS and our lives.

If I had any clue they would be spending the majority of my labour hanging about outside the room, requesting updates from DP and my mother (who, like you, I had requested as one of my birth partners as she is super calm and tbh, DP and I weren't sure how he would react - brilliantly, as it turned out) and generally interrupting and not respecting that this was MY, DP and DS' experience, supported by my mum and the midwives.

You should, if you can, without stirring up any difficult conversations with your DH about how you feel about his mother, show him this thread and how anxious it's making you feel.

I never get the impression that paternal gps are second best. It's worth bearing in mind that the majority if posters are female here, so any MIL gripes are going to relate to paternal gps.

Also, in a case such as this, it is imply a matter of fact that the majority of women are probably more likely to turn to their mothers for support in such an intimate and vulnerable set of circumstances, and to feel less compromised by the blood, sweat, tears, than they are to someone they have known for only a few years, and who might be little more than a stranger. Anyone who is dictating to the parents to be in a situation such as this, is clearly putting their own selfish desires ahead of everyone else.

stayfrosty, that's a fantastic post

OP -- forget everybody else. You are the most important person here. For God's sake, if you aren't the most important person now, when are you ever going to be?

I wouldn't trust the dh or the mil. They are both being selfish nobs.

and screw the whole equally between the mums thing

just screw it

none of it matters as much as you and the baby

I can tell you, tension and bad feeling can lead to labour problems, pnd, all sorts.

She should KNOW to piss off out of the way, without being told, and without making you feel guilty about it.

sorry, didn't finish train of thought there...

"If I had any clue ... I would have said "please don't come to the hospital, we will see you when we are back at home / on the ward tomorrow, depending on how long I have to stay in." There was nowhere for them to wait in the delivery suite, they ended up spending hours sitting in the midwives' staff office (not sure who let them do that, I certainly was never asked if I wanted them there)."

I just wish she had the good sense to realise it is not what we want and be like normal MIL who wait for a phone call to say we are ready for visitors and then come up. I would love to be close to her but the way she is so push and TELLS us what she is doing rather than asking makes me just want to keep her at arms length.

sorry to be the bringer of bad news but she is being like a normal mil

ime

You know she was okay before I was pregnant..now she has just totally changed. She rings every night and if we dont answer she lets it ring about six times! Madness!

I mean lets it ring till answerphone then does this six times!

We didn't phone at the start of one of my labours -- and we got told off for it when we eventually called with the birth announcement that same day. Told off, before she could even bring herself to say congratulations, or how are they.

Start as you mean to go on: put your foot down.

Ok she is going to be a huge pain in the arse. You're going to have to be rude, because she is never, never going to take a hint.

Can you change your answerphone? My FIL pesters me (or did, at least) with phone calls and complained that the answerphone came on too quickly (after 4 rings) so please could we change it. So I did - I changed it to come on after 2 rings.

Funnily enough he doesn't ring so much now...

Hear, hear Appletrees. I didn't put my foot down and have spent the last 17 weeks in a near constant battle for control of DS' and my life.

Why does it have to be so fucking difficult? Why cant people just automatically know where the boundaries are and that it is not a good idea to keep pushing them?

St Eppney I am so sorry for you.

More than a decade ago my mil was poisonously interfering and undermining. It has permanently affected my relationship with my child.

How do things get like this? Because as a woman, as stayfrosty says, one is always trying to please, always giving the benefit of the doubt, always giving way, always thinking "she couldn't possibly have done that deliberately" etc etc etc.

Yes, it CAN be done deliberately, selfishly, thoughtlessly, and I WISH I had said GET LOST all those years ago, rudely enough to actually make it happen. I was tactful and patient instead and, with interfering MILS, that never bloody works.

It's a real pisser that she doesn't know ( or doesn't want to accept because it clashes with her wants) where the boundaries are. But catholic, you do have power, maybe more than you realise. You have all the legal rights and she has none.

You can tell the hospital to keep her out.
You can insist on it.
You are the mother and she has no right, none at all to your baby. Certainly not to take him away from you when he is two - that's basically kidnapping!

You will be the one who feeds him. You are the one he wants to be held by. You are the mother and all he wants, knows and needs. By protecting yourself by stresses, you are protecting HIM - your instincts are the right ones.

She knows this (I expect) which is why (probably) she is in quite such deep denial of your wishes and clear communication and is pushing so hard - it's quite childish really. You are more than likely going to have to be the grown up and hold the line and I expect she will push and push, and cajole, and threaten, and huff and puff and say cruel things and be unreasonable but that is HER crap not yours. Ultimately though, she is on a losing streak here, she is not his mum and no amount of demanding and stropping will make her his mum and the sooner she accepts her proper place ( even if it is painful) the better - for her, you and her grandchild.

sorry should read 'by protecting yourself FROM stresses' not 'by'

Just Don't Ring.

I told my own mother when I was in labour only for her to come and visit in my labour ward and CRY at the sight of me in pain. Honestly, my mother needed more looking after than I did!

Second time round no-one was told until afterwards. We made it very clear this would be the situation so that we could get to know our newborn before the rest of the family decends.

Tell MIL now OP - be polite but firm, you want to concentrate on getting labour over and done with - not worrying about her sneaking a peek whilst your little one is crowning

jaysus

you want to try breastfeeding for the first time with your mother in law sat on the bed and looking on patronisingly and reaching out to move your bosom and your father in law in the only chair smiling beatifically at your tits while your husband is loafing about somewhere in the background?

KEEP THEM AWAY

Goodness Appletrees I remember my MIL and Step FIL (whom both DH and I aren't fond of) doing exactly the same thing.

In the end I got so uncomfortable trying to feed (whilst not being on full show) that I asked them to leave.

I work in maternity and I have had woman whisper to me (when her OH nipped out to loo) that she did not want her MIL to be let in until after the birth. We reassured her that this wouldn't happen, she relaxed and had speedy birth before MIL had got to hospital

When I had my first child my FIL and his wife visited the same day (and because they had travelled 40+miles were going nowhere) (my MIL and my mum both lived a long distance away). I was very relieved when midwife ushered them out temporarily to check my stitches and I was able to mouth to her "get rid of them" (they had been here hours). She was excellent and persuaded them I was knackered and needed to rest (I did).

With second and third baby OH was under strcit instructions (and agreement) that they got told after the event and I decreed no visitors (inc my mum) until home and recovered

I find that the worst of it is that it really affects things with me and DH. When I tackle him on it he gets upset and tries to defend her which is understandable and I then feel he is not putting me first which upsets me. I feel for DH as it must be difficult when it is their mum but if my mum was being a pain in the arse I would have no reservations about telling her to wind her neck in..I dont really understand the dynamics of their relationship to be honest.

I gave birth many years ago now and went into labour at midnight. There was no thought of calling anybody, we just went to hospital and called people the next day when our DS had been born. Which was just as well as he had meconium aspirate and was taken away to SC immediately and stayed there for 3 days. I didn't even get to see him til the next day.

BUT... on the day we were discharged our car broke down so DP had to ask his mother to drive him to collect us. She called at our house to pick him up, decided that the house wasn't tidy enough and made him clean it to beyond Kim and Aggie standards whilst I waited and got more and more agitated, ringing every 30 minutes to hiss 'Come and get us now!' Two and a half hours later they arrived. The hospital was a 20 minute drive away.

Then when we were en-route home she announced that she had a roast dinner waiting for us at her house and we were going straight there. We got there to find three of MIL's sisters, their husbands and DP's GM waiting for us. I appreciated that they wanted to meet the new arrival but it was like some hideous suprise party where the main guest had been kidnapped. I almost got a taxi home but was so exhausted by everything that I didn't have any fight in me and nor did DP. And to be honest the food was better than hospital food.... My DM was horrified tho.

Having said that in all other things MIL was wonderful throughout DS's childhood, never did anything like that again and there were many times when we would not have coped without her but I just wanted to go home with my new baby boy and DP.

Stand firm OP. The birth is just the beginning!