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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

373 replies

catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 12:09

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 01/11/2010 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alfabetty · 01/11/2010 19:33

You want the DH/P to 'step up' and 'grow a pair'. But he's not being given the responsibility of supporting his wife through labour and childbirth. The mum is.

I think labour/childbirth is a formative experience for a couple, when for the man, the enormity and responsibility can really hit home. But if his MIL is there, he steps back.

There's much talk about the MIL butting out and letting the new mum find her own way, and not letting her greater experience of child-rearing over shadow the new mum, but less concern about the maternal mother stepping back (during birth and afterwards) to allow the DH/P to take the lead in and find his own way in supporting his family.

DuelingFanjo · 01/11/2010 19:34

"dueling, you can't tell your mil you want privacy and have your mum there. and it is unfair because they are both the mother of someone having a baby"

yes, her son is having a baby but her son needs to support his wife. where do you stop? If MIL is supporting him then who does she get to support her and so on...?

It is obvious to me that a pregnant woman most often feel more at ease with her own mum than with her MIL.

I like my MIL but I wouldn't want her in the hospital the second I gave birth. Having said that I wouldn't want my own mum there either.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 19:35

wouldliketoknow as I have already said I dont have that kind of close relationship with my MIL and me having my mother there would not be an infringement upon my privacy at all, she is my mother and gave birth to me. Just to confirm DH isnt actually the one having the baby...that will be me.

OP posts:
Digggers · 01/11/2010 19:40

Aye, good point alfabetty (about the OP's mum overshadowing the support that the OP's DH might give) when I was birth partner for my friend, it was very difficult as I felt I had to be so sensitive to her DH andcget out the way as much as I could to allow him to help her. But it was difficult, especially as he wasn't very good at supporting her and she needed help. Afterwards her DH told me that he'd found the whole experience very emasculating and although was grateful I had been there fir his wife, had felt my presence allowed him to step back and he felt rubbish in comparison and that consequently he feels very guilty.

gogoredpanda · 01/11/2010 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 19:43

The power dynamics with my mother and DH are unlikely to create that situation. DH is quite confident (unless with his own mother..lol) and my mother is very submissive and will 'fade' into the background if necessary. If I thought she would overshadow DH I wouldnt have her there but there is no chance of it.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 01/11/2010 19:44

alfabetty - I made that point earlier - I do think that, in our case, it kind of de-skilled DH to have my mum there at DS1s birth- even though she was a support to me and she and DH get on v well.

Second time around DH and me were a very tight unit

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 19:46

gogoredpanda my god that sounds awful...see this is my big concern, haivng to tell her to leave the room as she would possible react like your MIL

OP posts:
PutTheKettleOn · 01/11/2010 19:46

I think you may have to bite the bullet and speak to her yourself. Something like..

'DH said you want to come to the hospital as soon as I go into labour. What he didn't realise was that there are no visitors allowed in the delivery suite, so there's really no point you coming as they won't let you in. It's for safety reasons, you understand. Once I've had the baby and I'm on the ward, the visiting hours are 2-3pm (or whatever they are) so of course you can visit then.'

Perfectly reasonable, and the truth! You can tell her that of course you will keep her informed when you are in labour, but then just 'forget'.

JamieLeeCurtis · 01/11/2010 19:46

.. sorry X posted with you catholic. Don't want to put you off. Just my experience. My mother was really calm and non-intrusive but I do think the second birth went better (for other reasons as well) than the first

Digggers · 01/11/2010 19:49

Fair enough, and it is your choice who you have there. I'd just advise a conversation with your mum and dh before hand on roles and expectations.

As for your MIL, just be honest. If she's a decent human being she'll get it. If she's not, then don't call her until the baby is born and tell the hospital that you want noone else there. Then blame the trauma and excitement of labour and the protocol and lack of phone signals of hospitals afterwards.

alfabetty · 01/11/2010 19:50

OP, I can see why you are saying that, but there are very few men who are 'confident' about the process during the birth of their first child. Your DH will defer to your mother during the process, unless he is an obstetrician!

Completely up to you who you have there, obviously, but I'm just suggesting you think about the messages your choices send and the implications they could have.

Giving birth and becoming parents is intimate. I don't blame you for not wanting MIL hovering in the waiting room. But equally, think about the impact your mother being there will have. And how your MIL is viewing it - it makes your private, couple event into something broader, and so she feels left out.

There's a lot to be said about the 'there at the conception' issue - giving birth is a formative and intense and private experience for both the mother and the father.

atswimtwolengths · 01/11/2010 19:55

But nobody has stated the obvious!

From week 37, three or four times a week, preferably in the middle of the night, phone and scream that you are in labour! Then, 55 minutes later, just as she's arriving in your home town, phone her, crying, saying that you'd just wet the bed and thought your waters had broken, or that you'd had a pickled onion and they said it was indigestion, not labour.

By the time the baby is born, she'll be so knackered she won't care if you've given birth to a monkey and certainly won't be making that trip.

JamieLeeCurtis · 01/11/2010 19:56

Machiavellian!

ChaoticAngel · 01/11/2010 20:03

Grin @ atswimtwolengths

DuelingFanjo · 01/11/2010 20:03

he he atswimtwolengths! Grin

wouldliketoknow · 01/11/2010 20:10

alfabetti had expressed my thoughts.

catholic i didn't mean to offend you, gave birth myself not taht long ago, being alone with dh has helped us during the hard few months of baby's life.

anyway, best of luck and don't stresss too much over this...

diddl · 01/11/2010 20:24

At the end of the day she can only be there whilst you are in labour if you tell her!

If she mentions it again tell her no-you will not be telling her when you go ínto labour.

Can´t help thinking that this is all being a bit "skewed" by having mum there though.

A general question for anyone who may wish to answer.

Unless husbands are likely to pass out/be useless, why do women want their mums there at the birth?

gogoredpanda · 01/11/2010 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pollyblue · 01/11/2010 20:27

Have just skimmed through this - has your MIL really said that, when your ds is two, she's taking him to see her family abroad without you?

She's a bit bonkers isn't she? Put your foot down now, with a firm hand, or God knows your baby will be her baby before you know it.

usualsuspect · 01/11/2010 20:27

I always feel sorry for paternal grandmas on MN..its like they are second best

pollyblue · 01/11/2010 20:30

I think only if they try and walk all over their DIL usualsuspect. I loved my MIL very much, but she never trampled over my feelings in the way that the OPs MIL seems to be doing.

DuelingFanjo · 01/11/2010 20:31

Second best? I'd say they are often way down the line... fifth best maybe?

diddl · 01/11/2010 20:31

I wonder if it is fear of being left out that makes some behave like this.

It seems as if often things are ok until there is a GC in the mix!

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