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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

373 replies

catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 12:09

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

OP posts:
thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 01/11/2010 18:52

StayFrosty talks sense. It amazes me how some people can make anything (even the birth of a first grandchild) about them.

Because all this is taking the focus of something that's really special for you, catholicatheist, and making you agitated and it's just selfish.

I'm cross for you.

Booboodebat · 01/11/2010 18:55

I know. I already go gooey at the thought of being a grandma.

Which is frankly odd, as I'm due my second baby today.

However, I hope I'll remember what it was like for me, and show a bit of respect for my future DIL.

(I get het up on the MIL threads as mine is a narcissitic loon. I am aware that not all MILs are like this. Honest).

diddl · 01/11/2010 18:56

I think though it does sound ás though Ops husband is on her side & at least won´t go behind her back & tell his mum.

I think the thing to do is tell her that only birth partners will be told when labour starts & others will have to wait to hear when baby is born.

And if she can´t eb trusted not to rush straight over at that, then she will have to not be told until OP feels up to a visit from her imo.

phipps · 01/11/2010 18:56

Of course YANBU to not want your MIL there but she is just excited.

diddl · 01/11/2010 19:02

I wonder if she is worried about missing out as she is the paternal grandmother so is trying to make sure that this doesn´t ahppen?

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 19:05

I wouldnt feel so upset if it wasnt my first baby but I have no idea how shitty I will be feeling and I want it to be calm and stress free so me and DH can enjoy this most important time in our lives without being stressed. As soon as she enters the room there is a bit of an atmosphere as she is very overbearing and DH is aware of this too. It would totally ruin the whole experience for me if she was there immediately after. I do feel mean saying no as I love her as she is my husbands mother and I have every respect for her but I just feel she is totally ignoring our wishes and is push push push the whole time. I could see DH getting pushed on the phone last night till he eventually caved saying he would ask me. I just want the birth to be special..god knows I then have to deal with her thinking she can stay with us and people in my family thinking they can all sleep in our tiny house and DH acting like a taxi service as none of them drive.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 01/11/2010 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/11/2010 19:09

Well it was wrong of your husband to put it on to you.

As I said, with first, it never occurred to either of us to tell any parent that I was in labour, and that parents would be told after the event I when I felt up to visitors.

phipps · 01/11/2010 19:13

It was really unfair for your husband to say he will ask you as you automatically become the bad guy when the answer is no.

Squitten · 01/11/2010 19:13

LOL at your MIL's 15min labours catholic. I'm willing to bet her kids were also sleeping through the night after 48hrs and were weaned onto rump steak at 2mths old... Not saying she's lying, just that the memory of what happened can sometimes be exaggerated!

It's not a bad thing that she wants to be involved but your DH needs to understand that she will NOT be there for the birth and that he will "forget" to call her, whether he likes it or not.

I think you need to stop trying to be so diplomatic about it and TELL your DH in no uncertain terms that this is what will be happening and make sure that he understands that the midwives will only care about YOUR decisions when the time comes so he really doesn't have an awful lot of choice in the matter.

Digggers · 01/11/2010 19:16

I was recently a birth partner for one of my best friends. Was with her and her husband for all 36 hours of her labour except the last 20 mins, as she was taken through to theatre.

The hospital was the most uncomfortable and uncompassionate place to be for that period of time, nowhere to rest, hard plastic seats, rubbish food, busy stressed staff that have more on their minds than caring if the labouring women's friends and family are ok. I've given birth, but can honestly say that I found being there for my friend incredibly stressful emotional and scarey, as difficult in a different way.

Her parents turned up at the hospital at the start of the second day and just had to sit in the rubbish canteen all day. They weren't allowed up to the ward, weren't any help, were just a bit annoying as we felt we needed to keep them updated.

When she got taken to theatre it was 6pm. The baby was born at 620pm, but I was left in the delivery room till 730 worrying and crying wondering what was happening. I went through and asked the reception of the labour ward then what was happening, abd was told that she'd had her baby, but they couldn't give any more details, and visiting hours were over in half an hour so I may aswell just go home. I explained that her parents were down stairs waiting for news, and they said I should just tell them to go home too.

Was unbelievable how dogmatic and protocol driven a hospital can be. I was with my friend for 36 hours, but because visiting hours were over I had to just leave. I packed up her stuff in tears, and was on my way down to tell her parents when a nice nurse told me "off the record" what ward they were on. I got her parents and we made it to the ward with 10 mins of visiting to spare, only to have the ward staff deny my friend was there atall. It was only the fact that her husband saw us at the ward door and came and got us that we saw her at all. And she and her husband had been desperate to see us, but their phones were stillin the delivery room.

Your MIL may not be top priority . It may not be the fairy tale she thinks it'll be. Even having giving birth recently, I was totally unprepAred for how difficult being there was. She's in for a shock if she does turn up

wouldliketoknow · 01/11/2010 19:16

my mil is terribly exited about dgc, in my labour we kept her informed by phone, dh called when he could just to her and she distributed the news throught the family, which she def enjoyed and made her feel part of it, we were very far as well, with my sils she went to the hospital only in early labour, when in sociable hours, and always after asking if she could,... to be faair she was really worried and wanted to check that we got the best medical care. but then again, she has an excellent relationship with all dil and was very wellcome to come, and in their country is costume that everyone goes to the hospital to see you for a minute.
one fair point paternal grandmother do fear been left out in comparisson to maternal ones, especially if the don't have daughters.

alfabetty · 01/11/2010 19:17

Tell her you'll let her know when there's 'any news' - in reality that means if you have a long labour with a slow start, you let her know, if it is quick, she'll get a call as soon as possible. That's just the way things work.

And say to her 'MIL, don't come to the hospital before DS is born, you'll be hanging around and you won't be allowed in the delivery suite, possibly even the maternity wing, until visiting hours.'

Irritating though your DH;s refusal to deal with it is, I think it's best t try to open lines of communication now. In most families, the DH/P is out at work and the MIL/DIL spend all the time together, esp on child-related things. Just get used to saying what you think, in a matter of fact, calm way, and I expect you'll find a way of rubbing along that suits both of you.

MILs are often overbearing as they fear they'll be pushed out so try to force their way in. Make it clear to her that the baby is just as much her GC as you mum's, she'll be just as involved, but the first few hours/days are for you and DH. And don't let your mum intrude on that time, either.

Having your mum there doing all the difficult stuff or 'supporting' you removes the responsibility and opportunity for your DH to step up. Much better all round if you 2 find your own way then let your parents in to help.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 19:18

Yes I think me and DH will be having yet another frank discussion about this as I have wasted all day today thinking about it when I had work to finish off. I really have seen a total change in MIL since being pregnant, or perhaps I just never noticed before as I didnt speak to her as often? Who knows. I am sad that she is just ordering us about over everything as it clearly will stay like this. We are both professionals in our 30's who have lived all over the world and managed without her interference then.. I just dont get it.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 01/11/2010 19:20

It's a really good idea to talk to the midwives on the labour ward and delivery suite once you go into labour. They will do what you want and will keep your MIL out if that is your wish. They are used to dealing with things like this and will probably be so tactful that your MIL won't even realise that she is being 'managed'. Just something to keep in mind if you don't manage to head her off.

I think it is very unlikely that the delivery suite will allow her in anyway. You had to be physically let into the one where I gave birth and it was birth partners only. Visitors were only allowed on the ward during visiting hours. The dad could stay all day, but had to go home at night.

alfabetty · 01/11/2010 19:21

DH and I had the same thing with his parents. It all stemmed from a fear of being pushed out. But we got through it, and they are fabulous grandparents. And we've reached a way of living that we're all happy with - no pressure for 'more' from them and we don't feel intruded on.

Just talk to her, reassure her she'll be important, but draw your boundaries in a nice way.

Good luck and congrats, too Smile

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/11/2010 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 01/11/2010 19:23

Better not watch that ITV drama (The Little House) tonight under the circumstances!!

wouldliketoknow · 01/11/2010 19:24

it would be really unfair to let your mum in and not his, maybe much better just to be the two of you until you became three, then the family can come.

DuelingFanjo · 01/11/2010 19:26

Why is it unfair for a pregnant woman to want her own mum but not her MIL in?

alfabetty · 01/11/2010 19:27

Please don't whip the OP up - kicking the MIL out etc.

The poor woman is being insensitive, but it's all coming from love and (over) excitement. Try to have a bit of empathy - even if she's lacking it at the moment - and talk to her about how it will work with the clear message that she will have plenty of opportunity to be involved.

I do wonder whether people would take such an anti-MIL line if their own mother wasn't around or able to help and they were in greater need of some support. Some of the anti-MIL sentiment seems to be based on the fact there's a better offer from their own mum so they can afford to push the MIL out.

ChaoticAngel · 01/11/2010 19:29

The op's mum is there to help and support her in labour.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 19:29

thereisalightanditnevergoesou haha is that on tonight..yeah prob best give it a miss ..

Wouldliketoknow..why would it be unfair? She is my mother and I want her at the birth to support me as I am her child. I am not MIL's child?

OP posts:
wouldliketoknow · 01/11/2010 19:31

dueling, you can't tell your mil you want privacy and have your mum there. and it is unfair because they are both the mother of someone having a baby, personally, i don't think the paternal grandmother is any less than the maternal, in principle. in practise, it all depends in personal circxunstancies, what is the dh isn't crazy about his mil, does she need to be there?

but hey, i am byased, i got a great mil and i truly love her, not just because she is the mother of dh...

tb · 01/11/2010 19:32

You could always tell her that in your opinion it would be as appropriate for her to be at the birth as at the conception. Grin

Or, in a very ironic way, ask her if she was at the conception. When she says 'no', having turned purple with embarassment, then you could tell her she has her answer.

Good luck