DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

Dishonourable and unreliable? Perish the thought. His mother is a Mumsnetter. We have standards.

WRT the bio mum - last contact we had from her was 3 years ago when she was abroad still saying she was moving. She didn't give a forwarding address although it's very likely she's moved countries. I would have no idea how to get in touch with her, all the previous addresses, e-mails, and mobile numbers we have come up empty, and H has not wanted to know the name of the guy she's now with so that's a dead-end as well. I don't think bringing her volatile personality into this combustive situation would be a positive thing, really.

I agree.

I actually disagree that you need the DSD to witness all the inital discussions between you and your DH. You need to have it out with him (as indeed you have) including discussing your marriage and whether you could put up with this. YOu need to work it out between you as well as going to her preferably more united to discuss the impact it will have on family life and what you propose to do. Yes, she's messed up, yes she is emotionally (but clearly not biologically) immature, but it's also quite emotionally blackmailing to play every last bit of the drama out in front of her in the hopes she will have an abortion (not that I think you would do this). This will most likely produce the worst case scenario, in which she doesn't have an abortion, but her relationship with you and the rest of the family is fractured. I would keep talking to your husband frankly in private, and talking to her as parents who are struggling, but basically united.

I also think pulling together is very important, as if you are the step-mother who she feels ambivalent about, don't for gods sake let her know there's a chance you might leave. This might subconsiously be in her mind, just her and her dad, back the way it was. She has to know that you are the parents, you are the family unit and despite what has happened, she does not get to call all the shots.

No I don't think she would help at all if anything it would re-open old wounds.

Has your dsd even mentioned her mother during all this? Does she think a baby will make her want to come back?

I hasten to add that you (OP) didn't suggest getting her to witness you/DH's discussions, but other posters did and I just wanted to give my opinion on it. I think you are handling all this amazingly well.

The truth is Tess refusing to get up to fed the baby in the night won't be an option for DSD will it, you will have to lie there and listen to the baby cry because if you don't she'll let you do it every night, hopefully you'll only have to do it once before the message sinks in.
There is a lady who used to post on mumsnet who was a foster carer to girls who couldn't go home with their babies and she said she had to sit for hours with howling newborns which broke her heart but it was long term the only way to force the girls to be independent. You just have to mother the girl in the morning when she feels like shit as you would any woman.

Tess - have been watching this thread and just wanted to concur with all the people who have praised you for being so strong, caring and above all bloody reasonable in the thick of an impossible situation.

I agree with the poster who said that, harsh as it is, your DSD can no longer play the 'child' card now that she is pg. I think the more time you and H spend arguing about who will be 'raising' the baby, the more you are sending out signals that it will be someone other than DSD. Yes of course you must all support her (and you and H will have to decide how you divide any workload as grandparents) but ultimately if DSD is having a baby, she must raise it. That means she does all night feeds herself and can't use her 'age' as an excuse for copping out. In reality, once you have a baby, as we all know, you can't 'skip feeds' because you are tired/studying/hungover/have a cold. Many mothers of all ages study and work whilst being a parent, we don't expect someone to do the night feeds just because we have to work late, and just because you are teenage mother and have someone as kind as you in the same house, you can't be led to beleive that it is a 'shared' responsibility - it isn't, not really.

I also agree with all the posters who have encouraged your DSD to get a better understading of the day to day responsibilities of beimotherhood - it does sound as though she needs a reality check, not necessarily in order that she rethink the abortion (although this may happen) but because she sounds very naive and she has a big awakening ahead of her. She may turn out to be a fantastic, young mother and I hope she does, but she does need to accept (as does your H) that she will be a 'mother' in practice as well as name. You, Tess should only be there for emergencies, encouragement and support - not day to day childcare.

Good luck with the scan and with getting your H (who sounds as though he is being an arse because he is shell-shocked and a bit lost) to support you better throughout this.

Tess, I think you are doing brilliantly. It's such a tough situation to find yourself in.

I do find myself wondering what your (D)H would do if you were working fulltime too. Would childcare still fall to you because you're a woman? Why didn't he wake in the night with the boys? It's just too frustratingly 'convenient' that you are the only one who has (presumably through hard work and a lot of planning on your own part) free time - that's why your DSD and DH see you as an easy solution. They're not thinking about how hard it will be on you and how relatively easy it will be on them (as they carry on the lives they had planned) while you (potentially) look after the baby. They just think 'Tess is free, someone has to look after the baby, she can'. This is more forgiveable in DSD who by virtue of her age is naive about a lot of things, but your husband should be more aware of the impact. You haven't chosen to have a baby - DSD has. She will need support and you and DH might want to help her a lot so she can continue her studies, but I don't see why she can't do night feeds and whatever other care while she's at home, and study. She might not get the same results as she would've done without a baby, but then she chose to get pregnant and those are the consequences.

I don't know what my point is really as I don't have a quick fix but really really sympathise. You sound very fair and supportive and I think your DSD is lucky to have you as a mother.

If you can find a way to make sure everyone knows that it is DSD's job to look after her baby as much as physically possible you might be able to move on without too much pain.

Following on from FortunateHamster's post, I actually wondered if you should announce your new full-time job at one point!

Fair enough, it does sound as though bio-mum is useless or worse than useless. I think phipps has a point though in that it may be one of the things going through your poor DSD's head

Tess she may go the other way when ds was born I wanted him to love me most and I wanted to be a good mum so much that I refused any help and begrudged people holding him. I didn't let anyone look after him (bar DP) till he was 2yo. Just so you are aware that she may not react how you expect her to.

"I actually wondered if you should announce your new full-time job at one point!"

That's a very good idea and start talking about it now so they can't say you've sprung it on them.

Hi Tess. Have only skim-read through the threads, but you seem to be doing a great job. Perhaps a little too good? - you are adamant that you don't want to bring up the baby but who is the one who is already being sucked into sorting out all the sensible, caring stuff? Yup, it's you.

Does DSD love her bio-mum? She said she wanted a baby because she wants someone to 100% love her, but does she 100% love her mum? Has this angle occured to her?

I also wanted to say that you need to make it clear, if indeed DSD has the baby, that you are not the mother. I lived with my mother, at a much older age, on and off with both my two, and at times, it is very easy to let another pair of hands take over, especially when you are exhausted. My mum has deliberately gone out of her way NOT to become a second mother, and to make it clear I was always the mother, so not doing nights, letting me take decisions over discipline, feeding and so on, even though she actually would have loved to help out (as she would have liked more children, so not in the same position). Making those roles crystal clear is very important, as someone else has said, to force the young person into being a mother in the first place, and to reinforce your own role. Otherwise everyone may end up confused and it also deskills the mum.

Of course, it might go the way Scaredandalone suggests, you just don't know. This really is an unknown situation as yet, if indeed it gets that far.

Can't you try Facebook or a private detective to try tracing her bio mum? She might not have seemed helpful in the past but the DC has a right to know their grandparents - all the more important if the baby's father is never revealed.

IMHO tracing the biomum is the last thing Tess and family need to be doing right now. Biomum has proved herself to be unreliable in the pat and has now gone off radar. Why on Earth do you think she's going to turn into Grandparent of the year now her dd is pregnant?

past not pat

I've followed the whole thread and I have been so angry for you Tess. This poor girl's mother has completely fucked her up and now she's destroying her life and possibly her father's marriage too.

I also think you've been too nice. Have you made it really clear to her what a baby will mean? I would write out a list:

The constant work, night and day (someone suggested the Gina Ford book as a way of showing what the routine with a baby could be like and I would second that).

How hard it will be to do schoolwork when you are tired.

How she will probably miss at least some school (a year?) and get behind her friends.

She will probably lose her friends - she won't be able to socialise with them (it sounds like she socialises a lot) and their parents might not be so keen on them staying friends with her. Also, while you might be able to take a baby out shopping or whatever it is much harder to include a toddler in adult plans.

Whatever she decides to do with her life it will be much harder with a child in tow. Many professions expect you to work long hours at the start and you just can't do that if you have to pick up your child at 6.

Sorry, you've probably already thought of all this.

My cousin's daughter fell pg at 15 and is in the same part of the country as you. The support she received as far as I can tell was fantastic. She and her ds and bf were able to stay at a residential place for teenage parents for a few weeks where they got a lot of practical and emotional support whilst they got to grips with the situation. Poss a slight psychological similarity too as her dad died whilst my cousin was pregnant so she had been through the 'missing parent' thing, albeit for different reasons.
Anyway, she managed to complete both gcse's and A-levels get a good job and now has her own home, car etc. She and her ds's father are no longer together but he has always been actively involved. She did have a lot of family support, but she has worked her butt off too.
I have a dd, who is only 6 atm, and I know if I were in your position I'd prefer her to not go ahead with a teenage pregnancy, but sometimes teenagers can surprise you. Hopefully she has a good few months to grow up a bit before the baby arrives, and fingers crossed your Dh will do likewise!

at your DP's reaction to this! I doubt he truly feels you are serious about uprooting your boys and leaving. And as for you doing all the night feeds - how in hells name does he ever expect her to take over the day-to-day care, even when she is older, if she doesn't have that grounding to start with. I suspect the answer is that he doesn't. which is shocking in and of itself, but even more so when he says that you have treated your ds's differently...from what I can see, you are doing an amazing job, in a very difficult situation, that your 'D'H is unable/unwilling to discuss with you in an adult manner, and you are coping admirably with your SD, just as much as I believe you would have had she been your biological DD. I would have given my left and right arms at that age for such a supportive step-parent.

Part of me thinks that dsd does need to have it spelt out to her the damage she is doing to her dad and step-mums' marriage, and the damage that could cause her brothers. Yes, she is vulnerable given her past history, but if she wants to make an adult decision like this, then she needs to be an adult and deal with all the consequences. And maybe show her dad how to as well.

Tess, just wanted to say, don't take the fact that she doesn't see you as her Mum personally. Kids have this idealised version in their heads of what a Mum should be and this poor girl has obviously been totally disillusioned.

Your dh MUST step up to the mark and if she is to continue with the pregnancy, so must your dsd. Don't be browbeaten into being a Mum to this child, chances are at some stage your dsd will take the child away to live independently and you having become a Mum would make it far less bearable for all concerned than if you are a loving Nana.

Oh Tess

You are doing really well.Keep the heed!
Stay calm we will tell you when to panic.

Your dh sound like he is in shock himself.he has been out drowning his sorrows while you have been working it through.He also needs your help and advice.He sounds very imature at the moment.I suspect it is total panic.

You say you have been fantastic together for 12 years.You now need to work on the next 12 and you will.Try and stay united.You need to present a united front to dsd.

We are all here for you.

I should of been in bed 1hour ago but have read the whole thread.Off to bed as my 4 will be up and at it soon.

I know if a baby came home to my house.I would need to mother it.I can not let a baby cry for long.My youngest is 1 and my eldest 10 the thought of a baby in 4 years (just when I get my youngest to school) would be devistating.I also know that I would fall in love with that little person.