DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

TessoftheDamned, all 3 of you must be so angry and scared. I really feel for you.

The easy way out for your DH would be for you just to care for the baby. However, the world is obviously not ideal, and if there is a new baby in the house 3 people are going to have to share the responsibility (IMO). Would he be able to pay for full time child care for the baby, so the burden isn't put on you?

Just trying to explore all avenues here.

I think you desperately need to have your point of view validated by a third party, in front of your DH and DSD. In other words, counselling. Your family don't sound like they are really hearing what you are saying - your DH has certainly made some absolutely breathtaking assumptions about how you will be prepared to cope with a baby!

As long as no one is listening to you properly, you won't feel you can a resolution to this that will satisfy you, imo.

A third party can hopefully help you all communicate very honestly but with compassion too.

find a resultion, I meant to say

GHH I can honestly, hand on heart say that I would feel the exact same were she my biological daughter. I understand that she may see me as the usurper, the evil stepmum at times, and that it's totally unfair her brothers have their mother every day when she doesn't even know what part of the planet hers is on.

But I really feel like she's my daughter too, and it's so hard for me to know that she still doesn't feel like I'm her mum.

I am absolutely convinced that the dsd has abandonment issues which need addressed

I was raised by my grandmother with very little contact with my birth mother and was abandoned by my birth father

I definately longed for a baby to fill that gap, without a doubt. Now I didn't get pregnant as a teenager and in fact was a married 27 year old when I had my firstborn.

Well I was not prepared for my emotional response. The birth of my ds sent me reeling into depression as childhood issues came flooding back to me.I found it difficult to bond and the realities of motherhood overwhelmed me. It was not this magical cure for all my childhood sadnesses I had expected.

Fast forward and it has been a happy ending. I had extensive counselling and treatment. I did bond with my ds and adapted to motherhood. I now have a lovely dd and there were no problems after her birth

I am waffling a bit but I do think your dsd may experience a massive fallout when this baby is born. You will not only be possibly helping with childcare but also a very vulnerable girl who is trying to face up to the very real issue of what happened with her own mother.

I don't know the answer to this really tricky situation op and I think you are handling it so well but I would strongly urge counselling for dsd before the birth if she keeps it and of course for yourself as well. This is so difficult for you and of course dsd.

Just read your last post and am so sad and angry on your behalf.

I actually think your dsd should not have been in her room dancing around with her mates but sat there discussing things with you and her dad. She needs to realise that other people are paying the price for her decision to have this baby. She needs to grow up fast and face some truths.

I would be running for the hills if I were you, your h 's attitude would panic me too much. He Actually Expects you to raise this child!

"when DSD decides she's not waking up to feed the baby?"

When that happens it will be his job to make her get up and live up to her responsibilities.

You can't just let a 14 year old refuse to get up to attend to her own child.

It's not fair on her, the child, or the adult who gets left holding the baby.

So sorry you are in this situation. I would try to give counselling a go asap as it sounds to me like there maybe some underlying things going on with your DH as to why he's acting the way he is. :(

What ever your DSD does she'll have to live with it for the rest of her life :(

All of your kind words are so touching right now. I feel backed into a corner, not at all strong, and not at all the voice of reason! I think counselling is definitely the best option, but of course everything is hinging on tomorrow's scan right now.

Oh and I meant to say thank you very much to GivesHeadlessHorseman for starting a second thread.

Tess - I've been following this thread since the beginning I feel for all you. I don't have any solutions I totally see where you are coming from and agree it should not be your responsiblity to care for this child. You're 'h' is clearly not handling it well (understatement!)I suspect that he has a sort of blind rage iyswim - someone has 'done' this to his 'baby' and he can't handle it hence the swinging madly from one solution to the next - a sort of primal instinct to protect her without thinking through consequences. I am NOT condoning his behaviour but as others have said you are handling it exceptionally well and he just can't cope as much as he probably wants to.

I would like to think that I would be open enough for my dds to come to me and talk through issues like this but I suspect the reality would be very different and my dh would definitely fly off the handle at his 'little girls' not only being sexually active at 14 but pg too. I hope he will calm down start to accept what has happened and the cloud will lift.
I think you need to access as much information and counselling as possible and you need to come to decision together about how this will work out.
hugs for you all xx

Practically, are there any social services for young mums to help with practicalities? I've seen links across the two threads, but not sure if anyone knows what support is actually out there/has experience?

I think the question about how you would feel if she was your own daughter is an important, if sensitive, one. In this instance, the pregnancy if viable would be leading to your grandchild. Do you see it that way? My mother was always adamantly pro-choice in old Catholic Ireland when we spoke about things, but once I asked what would happen if I were pg and she said, "but that would be my grandchild, it would make me feel differently." Is it different for you because she is not yours biologically? Only playing Devil's advocate here, wondering if this is something you considered.. if it would help your thinking, dunno.

Your dh has been acting like a twit but it is clear you are all under huge strain and I do understand his fears about pushing her out given the situation with her mum. I also understand that you do not want to be faced with raising a baby.. which is why I wonder what happens with social services? Would she have to be "pushed out" to access these? Anyone know?

It doesn't mean you are not a great mum because she doesn't yet feel you are her mum. She will have loyalties to her biological mum and probably the hope that she will come back for her one day. She could also be testing you to see if you will be there for her and probably is very mixed up.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I would prepare yourself for her being much further along than she is admitting :( sorry. Good luck and keep us posted.

I think you need to tell your DSD that you do love her and you do understand and you always will even though it's going to be a very difficult road ahead for all of you.

then kick your dh into reality.

You know in time Tess, when she is grown up and looks back, she will really appreciate you I am sure.

You will never be able to completely fill the gap left by her mother but she will realise that you have been important in her life.

Whilst I feel for your dsd who is vulnerable and sounds a little lost, I also totally understand why you don't want to raise another baby.

Of all the posts on this thread, I think Shoshe's at 8:50-something this morning is the most telling. And she was a supportive grandparent who took on a huge amount of childcare.

Appeal to your dsd's more mature side, if she has one at all. Stop treating her like a 14 year old from this moment on. I actually think she should be downstairs with you and your dh facing the music right now.

Hi Tess...what a pile of pants!

I think counselling for all of you is a very good idea, the sooner the better imo.

I'd also be wary of any promises made by anybody regarding the prime carer role until this counselling at least has been started properly.

My instinct, from what you are posting, is that everyone is going to agree to anything to 'keep the peace' and the reality of life after the baby arrives will be the one thing you don't want ie you as prime carer.

I understand DH is torn between you and DSD but stating what you will do, as opposed to asking you what you are prepared to do is really not on.

I can feel your options and choices diminishing by the second here and have no ideas on how to change that??

I wonder if you could access emergency family counselling?

I agree that counselling is the best option-you are all too close. I think that Loudlass had some good posts on the other thread.

sorry I hope I didn't sound harsh when I said you will never be able to fill the gap left by her mother. Of course you are the only mum she has got right now and doing a great job. I just meant she will always feel that loss, I know I have and I am 32

Tess: You are doing such a brilliant job in a horrible situation. I bet your DSD is really happy and grateful that she has you, and if she acts up a bit that will be out of her own distress (which is not your fault). Is there any way of contacting her biomother without DSD knowing? Because it is just possible that the biomother might be jolted into shaping up a little, might possibly have felt guilty over the last few years but not felt able to get back in touch? THough sadly it's probably more likely that contacting biomother would get a reply of 'Well it's not my fucking problem' which is why it would be best to do it without letting DSD know. You H does need a bit of a kick in the cock though - he has to be prepared to take on his share of the work and the stress, how dare he say that, basically, your job is unimportant and you just have to suck up all the caring duties. Ask him if he would be this lazy, selfish and useless if a different sort of caring responsibility landed on the family; if, for instance, another relative got sick or injured and there was insufficient care available elsewhere.

Tess - So sorry it didn't all go brilliantly. You must be feeling like you're the only one who's actually trying to face the reality here.

If he's a marvelous husband and father 99% of the time then you're probably just seeing his rough edges while he comes to terms with what's happened. Don't feel too despairing of him yet. Most likely he's had thoughts as self-centered before (most of us do) but managed to overcome them before you realised - he will most probably manage to be marvelous again this time too in the end. Very glad you're both up for counseling, sounds like a good way to start laying a foundation for the future.

ALso FWIW: I have a DS and no DDs, and my DS is only 6 so this is not something I need to worry about yet but if DS got a girl PG in his teens and she wanted to continue the PG I would be offering to help share the childcare and making DS do his share whether or not he continued a couple-relationship with the girl. Even if (and I kind of shudder to write this, not expecting it to happen) my DS turned out to be dishonourable and unreliable, I would still want to offer help and support to the mother of his child.