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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 28/10/2010 08:11

Phipps - I'm so sorry. I misunderstood your post.

I really hope that Tess's DSD gets the support she needs, and that Tess's DH especially finds a way to deliver that.

Longtalljosie · 28/10/2010 08:12

Phipps Sad

BerryLellooooooooooow · 28/10/2010 08:20

Tess I hope you get some peace with your boys for a few days, and that you return to a more united family unit. What a bloody nightmare :(

tryingtoleave · 28/10/2010 08:22

I would think that even a 14 year old should realise that the way DSD has acted has been incredibly dishonest and manipulative. Look at how many lives she has been messing around with. And I can't believe that she could think that she could fall pregnant in such a tawdry way, lie to her parents for months, continue to lie to them and then think it would all just be ok and they would look after her baby and let her get on with her life. Does her father usually spoil her, op?

scaryteacher · 28/10/2010 08:28

'How did a group of teenagers get away from a supervisor to egg the DSD and the boy on apparently in daylight and outdoors? Very lax supervision. How did the teachers continue unaware of any gossip, or any talk at the time of the event?'

That's assuming the dsd is telling the truth about how she got pregnant. If it was a day trip then the kids should have been in groups of ten, with a teacher or an LSA, and have every minute of their day organised and enough to do so they had no time to sneak off.

It may well be that the school is aware and the child protection teacher is already making enquiries, but Tess wouldn't necessarily know that.

Litchick · 28/10/2010 08:34

Tess, I hope you get some peace with your boys.

At least, this break will ensure your DH and DSD have to talk things over, instead of you being the facilitator.
Maybe they will both see that it is unacceptable to expect you to become primary carer.

Thinking of you.

Longtalljosie · 28/10/2010 08:38

Tryingtoleave - but I don't think that will have even crossed her mind. At 14 your parents don't have vulnerabilities and needs, they are just there as figures of love and authority.

There has been a leap made about the DSD googling abortions after 12 weeks and and assumption made from that she only did so in order to strengthen her argument about keeping the baby. I'm not so sure about that. I imagine she's not been as resolute as she now seems. The reality of pregnancy will have scared the crap out of her, and she'll have been changing her mind every few minutes.

homeboys · 28/10/2010 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lurpak · 28/10/2010 08:48

Have been popping in and out of this thread and although haven't read it all, I've picked up most of the story.

Firstly I wanted to say you sound an amazing person Tess, you will get through this. Good for you for getting away for a few days.

Secondly I also wanted to mention that, as someone in their early twenties, and having gone to a school with a bit of a reputation, I never heard of this sort of thing happening. It's really concerning behaviour and I would definaltely be looking to get more information, firstly from DSD, about the circumstances. Did she feel pressured by the group, we're they all of the same sex, or mixed? Is she in a relationship with this boy? It's also concerning that not just two people thought it was an ok thing to do (assumming your DSD actually did) a whole group did. As insignicficant as this detail seems (in comparison to everything else going on) I really think this should be dealt with.

Sending you all the best wishes in the world Tess.

StillSquiffy · 28/10/2010 08:50

Lurking here, as others are saying it all very eloquently anyway.

But I think you should consider tell the boys parents as a matter of urgency, and definitely whilst there are still termination options open.

Strikes me that either the boys family will explode and throw a bucket of cold water reality over your DSD in terms of attitude, which might convince her that she really has messed up and needs to think hard about whether to proceed, or they will be as shocked as you and may hopefully prove allies in helping guide both your DSD and their own son in facing up to things.

You might also find his parents prove to be a good support to you in sharing the emotional burden of all of this.

cory · 28/10/2010 08:52

I am not sure that a group of 14yos getting away from a teacher in daylight necessarily counts as lax supervision. In dd's school, they are allowed to work in small groups for an hour or so on day trips, as long as the location is safe and each group is contactable by mobile. Of course, if the whole group agreed to lie and collude, that would mean they could get away and have sex.

But these are 14yos- they are already allowed to make their own way to school and to go on unsupervised shopping trips with their friends at weekends: there would be little point in watching them uber-strictly at school trips, seeing that they have every opportunity in the world to misbehave at other times if they choose.

If dd misbehaves on a school trip, I will not blame the school, any more than I would blame myself if she misbehaves when I send her to get a pint of milk.

A 14yo is not a toddler. If she chooses to deceive the adults in charge, then the choice is hers. Which is not to say that I do not feel sorry for the OPs dsd.

StillSquiffy · 28/10/2010 08:56

And to all those shocked Mners, I can vividly remember standing outside a friends bedroom with a bunch of other girls listening whilst she and her BF 'did it' (it was her birthday party and she had told us her plans) - we were all 14 at the time and what you would call well-brought-up grammar-school kids (her house was a lovely detached affair in the commuter-belt). I hardly knew what it was they were doing really, and I don't think she did either - we were the usual bunch of kids picking up all our sex ed from the problem pages of Cosmopolitan.

QuintessentialShadows · 28/10/2010 09:01

It is taking me a while to remember the young me, so it is possibly "our advancing years" having blocked out these things. When we were 13, a girl in my class would have sex with two of our classmates on the way from school. They would nip into the woods and take it in turns with her, one watching the other doing. They were all boasting about it. (This girl got a messed up life, and has been in and out of rehab). I waited till I was 15 and had a steady boyfriend. Most of us waited till we were 15/16 though.

phipps · 28/10/2010 09:06

"ScroobP and LongTall* Thanks. I am going out now but need to have a think if I am brave enough to start a thread about it and talk it over. Confused
Sorry for the mini hijack tess.

tryingtoleave · 28/10/2010 09:06

I didn't just mean her parents, but also the boy and her baby. Can't imagine the boy is going to be too happy if it is true that he doesn't know.

Also she doesn't seem to be at all concerned or aware of what the broader reaction around her school and community will be. For better or worse, I think there is still a considerable stigma to being pregnant at 14.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2010 09:24

I was terrified of getting pregnant as a teen. There is no big welfare state where I'm from and at the school where I was, very highly ranked academically, no one I knew had a baby.

Guess times have changed.

I got the Pill about a month before I decided to lose my virginity and insisted on condoms, too.

I knew two classmates who had abortions and they were relieved about it.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 28/10/2010 09:41

QS that is awful!

popsycal · 28/10/2010 09:42

HAve lurked on this thread throughout but wanted to offer my support to Tess.

Hope your few days away help you to come to terms with what is going on and come closer to some decisions about you.

Discowife · 28/10/2010 09:42

I think the posters who say they know their children or their children's friends would never do something like the OPs daughter are being VERY naive. As the Op herself posted she was sure her dsd was very straightlaced.

It isn't about being a "nice" kid or a "good" kid. It's about peer pressure + hormones = stupid.

Also I think it is highly unlikely the dsd made up the story about how she got pregnant. Can you imagine anything worse to tell your parents? Seriously? She could have said she was drunk at a party and made somethign up from there.

PinkIceQueen · 28/10/2010 09:57

Tess, just wanted to echo others and say how glad I am you are taking a couple of days to attempt to get your head together, not sure how possible that will be in reality, but leaving DH with DSD can only be a good thing as it will hopefully be a reality check for them both.

I have a feeling DSD may be terrified of having this baby and that is why she was looking at info on terminations, also why she has failed to tell anyone until now, 15+4, just under 16 weeks. Maybe this is a cry for help before it's too late. If she was that proud of what she'd done, maybe she would have told the father by now? By not telling anyone, if she decided to terminate, she would (hopefully) be able to move on with her life without too much fallout. Obviously counselling would still be paramount for all the other issues that have been raised.

I wonder if taking her to Marie Stopes for a counselling session may help her? I know that would be paying to go private, but their facilities are first class, their counsellors apply no pressure to go either way and the cost of a private termination is way cheaper than the cost of raising a child for the next 18 years. Just a thought.

Thinking of you, and hoping you have someone in rl that you can trust to talk to. I think you have been amazing thus far and deserve a bit of sympathy and a hug from someone with a good waterproof shoulder.

thelunar66 · 28/10/2010 09:59

Like Expat, I was extremely careful not not get pregnant as a teen because I had it drummed into me by my mother that I would be 'out of this house and disowned'. Also, that 'you will ruin your life'.

Yes I know that sounds harsh, but looking back, it's that harshness that kept me safe.

If I'd thought mummy would support me and I could have carried on with school, get benefits and childcare, then I think I would have been less careful TBH.

CardyMow · 28/10/2010 10:14

Erm - I knew that my mum wouldn't support me and that I'd have to move out. I did try and make sure that I didn't have a baby because of that, I was on the pill. But my pill failed at 15 due to antibiotics (didn't realise that could happen!), and as soon as I knew I was pregnant, I felt like now I had someone to love me 100% (had a bad childhood, and do NOW realise that was a pretty stupid reason for continuing with a pregnancy!).

I went to a Mother and baby unit, and although I left school, I attended college as soon as the next school year started (so DD was 5 months old). I used the on-site creche, much the same as the 20-odd year olds on my course with dc.

My DD is now almost 13yo, and I am 29yo. And yes, although she isn't at the stage of peer pressure+hormones=stupid just yet, we have had numerous discussions about contraceptives, and as soon as I even think she is approaching that stage, we will be at the family planning clinic to arrange contraception for her.

I think (although it's too late right now) that this is the one thing that is baffling me - did neither Tess nor her DH actually help arrange some contraception for their DD, or have talks about relationshis and sex with her? As soon as my DD started to approach puberty we started having these conversations?

foreverastudent · 28/10/2010 10:15

This is a girl who has serious psychological issues steming from her Mum abandoning her. She wanted a baby. If she hadn't got pregnant this time she would have kept going until she did, possibly picking up some nasty STDs along the way. Given the girl's history there was a certain inevitability about this scenario. In the long run she (and the baby) will probably be better off than if she was 16/17 because of the legalities/childcare availability.

foreverastudent · 28/10/2010 10:19

loudlass -I'm not too keen on the idea of pumping hormones into under 16s but maybe it is time to consider offering contraceptive implants to all 13yos, on an 'opt-out' basis?

foreverastudent · 28/10/2010 10:21

Also I'd want to find the parents of the spectators involved and have a few words with them. Angry