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AIBU?

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Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
dignified · 28/10/2010 00:04

Ive been lurking , i am horrified by your dh attitude in assuming you will care for baby and not attending her scan .

I think you will have to bow out to some extent , it sounds like he is going to have to be forced to take responsibility . I would not have any discussions about getting up in the night , caring for it while shes at school ect , and if i did it would be to say a firm No . I would have no further discussions until your dh is present and engaged in whats going on.

Id also consider working full time and having a prior apointment for the next scan / midwife visit or whatever . They are both being very unfair on you . If you can i would try to emotionally disengage for now . You really must start as you mean to go on , if you end up caring for this baby it wont be for a few months , it could potentially be for years .

I think you need to make it 100 per cent clear that you are not available for night time feeds , not willing to financially support them , you are not a free childminder . While you are worrying and planning your dh isnt having to , bollocks to that. You dont have to prove anything to anybody , its ok , and reasonable to make it clear that your role here will be very limited.

foreverastudent · 28/10/2010 00:05

I hope the boy's Mum isn't a MNer. She might have guessed by now Sad.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/10/2010 00:06

The boy himself doesn't know, how could his mum?

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 28/10/2010 00:09

I had a friend at school who was having sex when she was 13. Her boyfriend was 2 years older, got totally obsessed with her and it all ended very upsettingly. Sad Thinking about it everyone who was having sex was having it with boys who were a couple of years older - up until about lower 6th I think when it evened up a bit - I think. I certainly was having any sex of any sort with anyone!

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 28/10/2010 00:10

Oh bollocks!! Blush That should of course be wasn't NOT was!

Stinkyoldclottedcatspus · 28/10/2010 00:11

Maybe I didn't put myself across very well. I really dont think Tess should shut up and put up. I think that they all need serious counselling. Seems to me that DH is guilt ridden about DS, that she was abandoned by her mother and wants to do the best by her. If the possibility of a mother and baby unit was mentioned, he may feel, rightly or wrongly that this would be 'abandoning' her all over again. I can see that this may have made him defensive. He's in shock.
Tess must have her say, it's not fair for her to be in this position and supporting a 14yo with a baby is a huge thing. But surely the child is most important here. She is about to take a step that will change her whole life forever, she is young, naive, will have deep set insecurity issues and very probably is scared stiff. Rather than being at odds with each other, Tess and DH need to present a united front of support. The poor kid must be in pieces when they row over this.
Tess sounds like she is being a real help and she seems to be doing a very good job. Hopefully, when she returns, everyone will be a bit calmer and they can move forward.

foreverastudent · 28/10/2010 00:13

There are enough identifying details on these 2 threads for someone to piece 2 and 2 together.

Tess should prob ask MNHQ to delete those posts.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/10/2010 00:17

Once the DSD has told the father of her child, and his parents, yes, I agree that Tess might want these threads deleted; she's said as much herself. For the moment, I hope they're providing some kind of support for her.

dignified · 28/10/2010 00:19

I really dont think Tess,s husband is guilt ridden about the abandonment issues , i think hes simply got used to having Tess do everything and will continue to do so if something doesnt change. The refusal to attend the scan was all about him , he " wasnt ready " , isnt that some sort of emotional abandonment ?

And as for the comment about having to prove she loves her , what bollocks , spouting standards for Tess while hes sat on his arse.

wukterWOOO · 28/10/2010 00:25

TBH I think that's a bit harsh on the DH. Tess has said that he's a good husband and father 99% of the time. I think he's knocked for 6 as Tess is, but has allowed himself to indulge in a spot of head-burying. Now he can take over while Tess gets a bit of space and recharges. It's important for he and Tess to be singing off the same hymnsheet in the months ahead. A bit of forgiveness and leeway on both sides will be better in the long run.

spidookly · 28/10/2010 00:33

No, I don't think the child is most important here.

Adults matter too.

What Tess wants for her life is every bit as important as what her dd wants.

Being a family is about recognising that everyone is important, not about asking one person to lay their life down to be trampled on by everyone else.

dignified · 28/10/2010 00:33

I think daughter needs to come up with a realistic plan about how this is going to work , beyond the idea of feeding it and pushing it around in its pram . Shes also going to have to cope with the social implications at school that wont be easy. Id let her and her dad have this conversation.

Regardless of the amount of help you are willing , or not willing to give , she needs to have a back up plan in place that does not involve you or her dad . Circumstances can change , you could become ill or die , one of your parents could become ill , one or both of you could lose your jobs and potentially have to move , anything could happen and circumstances can change in a heartbeat. She needs to consider how she is going to cope , how she is going to manage should circumstances change in the next few years .

These are things her dad needs to talk to her about .

thesecondcoming · 28/10/2010 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFunderthepatio · 28/10/2010 00:46

I really hope that Tess gets a break, and that everybody who has contributed experiences from their own lives in order to help looks after themselves.

If Tess wants to step back now and access RL support, she has loads of useful links. I for one have had a couple of very useful chats with my own dd on the back of this thread, and will be stepping back now.

Something about the slightly sensational tales of lipstick parties etc is making me feel a bit uncomfortable now, but for every family going through this horribly challenging situation, you have my sympathies and best wishes.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/10/2010 00:50

thesecondcoming DSD already admitted that she's searched for information on late (ie 16 weeks + ) terminations, and asked the sonographer if it were true. All the sonographer did was agree with her.

NickOfTime · 28/10/2010 01:23

tess - just adding support. dsis lost her virginity for a bet at the same age, this was 25 years ago. just stupidity, nothing new, but life-long consequences for everyone. Sad
once your family and dsd have the appropriate support and ss and school are involved it will all be much clearer what the options are and how they could pan out.

then dsd can make her decisions. with family support.

NickOfTime · 28/10/2010 01:31

oh, fwiw (almost forgot Blush) i had a teen abortion myself without mentioning it to my parents, despite living at home. at about 16/17 weeks. i lied to the gp about my lmp date because i knew it had be under 12 weeks to get the 'easy' option, so i was referred on that basis, and had the op under ga. i'd looked it all up and knew what i needed to say. in fact, i timed it so perfectly they had to do the surgery within the week to keep it under the 12 week maximum. which of course it wasn't. i had actually told the father. his response was 'when are you getting rid of it?'

it hasn't affected my life at all. i'm 40, university educated, happily married, with 3 dcs. the abortion was just something that had to be done to get my life back on track.

well aware that makes me sound like a nutcase, but it all seemed perfectly logical in my teen mind. but we're all different, and your dsd has other priorities.

mathanxiety · 28/10/2010 01:52

DinahRod's suggestion of changing schools is really good, especially if she can go to a school with on site baby care and a counsellor available.

TBH, the school she's in right now sounds like a very poor environment, with a group of teens in the year who have engaged in horrible and immature behaviour wrt the DSD. Either the DSD has been the butt of mayy jokes in school for all this time or she is seen as some sort of hero -- not good whatever way you look at it.

How did a group of teenagers get away from a supervisor to egg the DSD and the boy on apparently in daylight and outdoors? Very lax supervision. How did the teachers continue unaware of any gossip, or any talk at the time of the event?

HalfTermHero and Fidelma, I agree with your posts.

jabberwocky · 28/10/2010 03:35

Tess, I'm so pleased that you are taking some time for yourself. Stick to your guns about not taking over childcare. A very good friend of mine was put in a similar situation and has now allowed herself to become the sole caregiver. It has been very hard on her. I am glad that you have told dh straight out that you are not doing it. Just keep saying it.

diddl · 28/10/2010 07:10

Tess, I hope you have a lovely couple of days.

I also think that abortion or adoption would be the best.

If I´ve read correctly, her father seems determined to support her.

But supporting her blindly in what she wants may not be the best thing for her.

Part of me feels that he is letting her have it her way to prove he loves her.

echt · 28/10/2010 07:31

Good point about the possible motives, diddl, I hadn't considers that.

All the best to Tess.

echt · 28/10/2010 07:31

Or even considered it.

phipps · 28/10/2010 07:33

ScrobbiosPip - I wasn't kicked out of home for being pregnant. My mother left me on a doorstep when I was a baby. I won't let her near my children because she has fucked up my life and I will not allow her to do that to my children.

phipps · 28/10/2010 08:09

Sad Tess. I am in Kent if you want someone local to talk too.

I don't know if I dare talk about it but I had my first child at 29 and I am not sure it was for the right reasons.Sad

Longtalljosie · 28/10/2010 08:10

"well aware that makes me sound like a nutcase, but it all seemed perfectly logical in my teen mind"

And I think that's an important point. Teendom seems like a different country (Lipstick parties?!) and even if it wasn't, at 14 you think you know everything and actually all you know is the world according to your peer group.