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Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 27/10/2010 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fidelma · 27/10/2010 22:44

TESS She has got through in my opinion the toughest 4 months. Although she may have had no symptoms but if she has,I think that perhaps she is a real coper.Maybe with support she will be amazing.We all need support when we have a child, my mum was fantastic every time I brought a new baby home (4 x)As a result I grew strong fast.I still know that she is there to help me if I need her (I am 36!)And phycological that helps.

Perhaps you could think of a way to help her that would be acceptable for you.

Could you get your head around being the most special,Grandma,doula and friend.She needs an amazing mentor and I think you are up to the job.Just set the ground rules.She wants to be an adult.Time to treat her as one.Get her on your side.I think she wants that.

Stinkyoldclottedcatspus · 27/10/2010 22:45

I've just read both threads.
Tess:
Your break is a good idea. Space and time to think.
You and DH need to stop fighting over this. Really, it's not about you or him. It's about a confused teen who has naively done something foolish. She is your daughter, step or not, and needs your help and support. Shit as the scenario is, and badly as he is handling it, can you really expect DH not to back her up, her mother abandoned her, she needs him.
There has been a lot of 'worst case scenario' on these threads. Yes it could turn out badly. But nobody can actually predict what will really happen.
You all need urgent counselling, and DSD needs to be given as much information as possible. She has a huge ordeal ahead and needs to know what is coming.

umf · 27/10/2010 22:49

Tess,

Have been lurking. I'm expecting DC2 in a few weeks. DSD is welcome to visit if she insists on going ahead and you want her to shadow some practical babycare before hers is born. Message me?

But I'm with those who think that it would be best for her to choose a termination under GA.

And I'm concerned about drawing you in to arranging something that could increase the onus on you to be dealing with this situation, instead of DH and DSD. But you mentioned she's not been around babies and seems clueless about what they involve, so I would be glad to do this if it would help you.

I hope there are useful programs for teenage parents where you live so that these things will be taken out of your hands. But my experience both of maternity services and of help for troubled young people in Kent (brother...) suggests that may well not be the case.

V glad you went away for a couple of days.

DinahRod · 27/10/2010 22:51

When the school learn she got knocked up on a school trip there will be significant reverberations for the school, there can't not be.

It may be very advisable to change schools:

a NOT because everyone will know that she is pg (not that rare and not the first probably for the school) but everyone will know exactly who with, how and when given it was witnessed (this is uncommon - can only wince at how horrible this will be for dsd)

b) to access a school that has a mother and baby unit OR creche to 18 schooling, so the baby is on-site with her.

Something for dh & dsd to discuss whilst you are away.

umf · 27/10/2010 22:52

Oh, and agree you should kick up an almighty fuss for the school. That is incredibly negligent.

DinahRod · 27/10/2010 22:55

And actually, this could be an early testament to dsd's commitment to having the baby....big life changing decisions are happening now, not off in the distant future.

GiddyPickle · 27/10/2010 22:57

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinahRod · 27/10/2010 22:59

No fuss will need to be kicked up (although have every right), the bald facts speak for themselves, for the school the reverberations will be massive, some of which Tess' family will be party to, some of which not.

But the least of Tess' concerns.

FortunateHamster · 27/10/2010 23:01

DinahRod Very good point about everyone at her school knowing exactly how and when she got pregnant. There's always a bit of whispering around a pregnant teen but it's got to be worse when everyone has the details. DSD's going to have to be strong to shoulder that whilst pregnant and studying. Unless she won't mind the fuss because she thinks it's 'cool' to be so obviously young and sexually active :(. I hadn't even kissed a boy at that age (but I was tragically geeky)!

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 27/10/2010 23:03

Oh good grief - just caught up with this and seen it's been a very rough day for you Tess Sad.

I'm very disappointed that your dh behaed as he did this morning and the things your dsd has disclosed are very shocking. I think you are right to get away - you've done all you can for now. The only plus I can see is that there are another set of parents who will be involved - some mutual support hopefully? Unfortunately I expect there will be some anger too Sad
I would speak to the school as well. Nothing and nobody can stop teenagers having sex - but there is an expectation that they would be adequately supervised when away from home.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/10/2010 23:06

They'd had sex at least once prior to the school trip, in the boy's home.

cumfy · 27/10/2010 23:08

I have to be back before the weekend

Remember you don't have to. Take it easy. Take your time.

HalfTermHero · 27/10/2010 23:10

Oh Heavens, you must be knocked for six, Tess. Than goodness dsd is cooperating a bit now though, at least you have the boy's name. I just feel so, so sorry for the poor little girl. To have conceived a baby in such humiliating and degrading circumstances. She must feel devastated and utterly stupid however brave a face she is putting on. Just horrible and tragic for everyone involved.

Tess, I hope you manage to get a bit of rest for the next couple of days. Thinking of you.

fidelma · 27/10/2010 23:10

It will be big news.You will all have to face that.TESS you have already tested the water with us so you know what you are in for.This story has created alot of interest on MN and will in RL

MN will be here for you.

Remember this is the path dsd has chosen not you.It is now up to you to decide what you choose to do.You need time to ajust to this new situation.Well done for getting a break.

scaryteacher · 27/10/2010 23:11

Even teachers have to sleep on school trips...

It may be that when the lad in question and his parents are told, the dsd sees that abortion may be the best option as they may not rally around to give support. I would be wanting a DNA test to prove it was my lad who was the father before we did anything and I would be arguing for abortion before that for both their sakes.

I have to say very few of the 14 year old males I knew and know would behave like this anyway, especially at what must have been by the ages mentioned the end of Year 9. I wouldn't take it as gospel that it was this lad.

Just get away Tess anyway; the distance may bring some perspective. Sleep and eat.

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 27/10/2010 23:18

I agree scary - but this didn't happen whilst they were asleep!

scaryteacher · 27/10/2010 23:23

Problem is, you can't police them every minute of the day, you'd need a 1 to 1 staff student ratio, cattle prods and hand cuffs.

senua · 27/10/2010 23:24

The school's problem is not their lack of supervision (understandable, they can't be there 24/7) but that their PHSE message does not seem to have got through to DSD, the boy and all the spectators.

duchesse · 27/10/2010 23:25

Frankly scaryteacher, the ones I used to teach certainly would and were. The ones who hadn't significantly reached puberty by the end of year 9 were very few and far between, and they mostly seemed physically quite free with their affections, boys and girls alike.

I once accidentally ended up counselling (because she came to me as her "nicest" teacher) a 13 yo who was having sex at the stables where her horse was kept. Parents dropped her off thinking she was just going riding after brushing Dobbin- she was actually shagging another horse owner at the stables. One of the least "likely" girls to have sex in her year iyswim.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/10/2010 23:27

That's not entirely a school problem, either. Don't know about these days, but In My Day they didn't approach the serious stuff until 5th year (in Scotland)/lower 6th. I hope things have improved in the intervening 30-odd years, but 14 year olds taking stupid risks hasn't changed.

There's no point in trying to lay fault at anyone's door now. What's done is done; now everyone, including Tess' DH, her DSD, DSD's "boyfriend" and his parents, needs to rally round and sort things out.

Rhinestone · 27/10/2010 23:36

Lipstick parties??? Shock Stop the world, I'd like to get off please. And I was by no means chaste when I was younger.

Agree the school should be told because those concerned were under the legal age of consent and if this is a 'trend' at that school then it's a child protection issue IMO. And I got the impression this school trip was a day trip?

Georgimama - not quite why you're calling me 'over invested'. I've merely posted a few times to say how shocked I am and sympathised massively with the situation Tess is in. No different to 99% of posters on this thread. Why am I over-invested?

spidookly · 27/10/2010 23:37

Tess - well done, you really are amazing.

Hats off to you for how you're handling this.

You sound spent, unsurprisingly after the few days you've had.

I hope you manage to relax a little bit when you're away and clear your head.

And I really hope that your DD and DH manage to sort something sensible out without you.

Stinky
"can you really expect DH not to back her up"

He shouldn't be "backing her up" in a way that sets her against her SM, he should be supporting her properly as her father.

It's totally and utterly unfair to tell someone to "stop fighting" when the only reason they're fighting is to stick up for themselves when they are being badly treated.

Given that both H and DSD are expecting Tess to carry the entire burden here it absolutely is about her.

It will stop being about her when her husband takes on his share of responsibility for this situation and starts working through with his daughter how this is going to be handled.

I actually can't believe you think Tess should just shut up and put up in this situation.

thesecondcoming · 27/10/2010 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 27/10/2010 23:42

The ones I used to teach, and the ones I know now via ds would not, and ds would not either. He had very definitely reached puberty before the end of Year 9, but had it dinned into him that he needs condoms and not to have sex until older and he is more scared of me than anything else has a healthy respect for the ramifications if he did do anything like that.