DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

True... but she could do a flit ect.

I'd want her where i could keep an eye on her, iyswim?

I think that at 14 most people are curious about sex and those who try it feel it's like an experiment for them.

I entirely see your point, but that just comes back to the broad shoulders problem. Tess's husband needs to take a turn at being bad cop.

When I was 14 I had my first BF, There was me thinking snogging on the corner before I went for tea was naughty...

I don't know anyway to get through to teens these days!And I say that being 20!

Tess - I hope some time away gives you a much needed break all though I doubt you will do anything but think about this.

Your DSD has been irresponsible to say the least!

I really hope this gets sorted for you and soon!

xx

Well I'm 32 and I lost my virginity at 14 to my first boyfriend. Teenagers having sex is not new.

I didn't say it was...This is the just the 1st time I have heard it happening...
1.For a dare.

1. On a school trip

Thats all all though it is all besides the point now anyway.

Hope you are getting some head space Tess.

I totally agree, electra. IMO, he should at the very least take some time off work and actually spend it with his daughter.

oh dear poor you tess. I just wanted to give my support as well.

I totally agree that people abdicate responsibility to the nearest broad shoulders, and will continue to do so until those shoulders shrug... so heartily relieved you are going away for a couple of days. well done you. Its the best thing you could do, for yourself, and also for them too.

Just wanted to say on the subject of sex for dares... My job involves looking at youth trends, and there has been a big trend in recent years towards sex as really rather childish play, not sex as we adults see it.

Please try and not let this totally shake your idea of who your DSD is, she lives in a world where these things are seen as 'fun' & exploring physicality and their changing bodies, and not seedy and awful.

When we look at these things they feel very un-innocent and horrific, but they tend not to be doing these things with the same motivations and connotations that we see.

'Lipstick parties' are far too common (where each girl wears different coloured lipstick & goes down on a boy so he's left with a rainbow of different coloured lipstick on his penis). It makes it a game, and allows them to experiment with a feeling of belonging and with their peers (not to mention the risque / daring / egging each other on thing)

Girls often choose to lose their virginity with a friend, as it seems like scary than mixing it up with proper feelings for a boy... Its just a shame they can't reduce the consequences to a silly prank as well.

I can so imagine a rather studious girl with not much of a sense of self esteem/ wanting to be loved/ accepted, thinking in the heat of the moment, with peers all validating her, and with a boy she didnt regard as threatening... ending up having sex like this. Poor her (poor you most of all though...)

I am not saying any of this is right (indeed I think its bloody awful personally), but I hope it sheds a different perspective on her environment and motivations for things that seem almost inconceivable.

good luck and I'll keep reading, my heart goes out to you.

Tess sorry for all you are going through.

Hope you get a bit of time to yourself and RL support.

We're all thinking of you...

'Lipstick parties'??? I'm 33 and must be very very old because this is just pure madness!

Doublelife - absolutely. I have been there, a teenager with low self esteem and depserate to be loved. As a 32 year old I am shocked at some of my behaviour in my teens . I am not shocked the dsd behaved like this at all given the huge hole in her life left by her birth mother.

However as much as I feel for the dsd and identify with her motives and circumstances, I strongly feel Tess cannot shoulder this alone

Glad you now know who the father is. Hopefully there will be some help available now from his parents.

And just a point about the DSD -- if she has been having sex with this boy, and did it again on the trip just as a result of being dared by the 'friends', she has been taking huge risks just for the sake of acceptance or popularity or approval. She needs counselling because a girl like this will and maybe already has thrown herself away, certainly is not focused on maximising her academic potential or working towards a good future for herself.

Just contradicted myself oops

Not so much shocked about my teenage years but saddened by them is a better way to put it

I read about those parties in a Jodi Picoult novel and assumed it was an American/Canadian thing.

Am the same age as teza and also feel very old.

Tess hope you manage to catch your breath on your break. But yes, pack your waterproofs. Shocking rain and wind up here today!

Tess - has your DSD seen her MW yet? IME in your part of the world (where I had my DD), there are some extremely experienced and worldly-wise community MWs who will go through all the options with her, and with you and your H. Discussing it all on your own without MW and SS support is a bit pointless as things will all seem a lot easier once the relevant NHS and SS support is in place.

No-one (except your H and DSD) will expect you to look after the baby, and your H and DSD will quickly be put straight by the MW!

mathanxiety - sad but true

What saved me was a good dh and loads of counselling.

I know, am 34 & the world has definitely changed since my snog behind the garages at 13... But I guess that's what I wanted to share, that we can't (& shouldn't anyway) judge this poor girls behaviour on
our own experiences.

Just wanted to help tess feel like her dsd may be the same girl she's alwayed loved, not some awful sex mad hussy.

Tess I am glad you are having a break and hope DH and DSD will sort things out while you are away.

I am not shocked at the method of conception to be honest ( I was the teenager most mothers pray they don't have) 13 at losing virginity here but it was a relationship.

Quite a few 13yos had sex on a school trip in the year above me in the early 90s. So that's nothing new. As now the guys were applauded, the girls vilified.

I'd be interested to know whether these spectators were a mixed or single sex group. It sounds frightenly like a gang rape/initiation.

I'd want the incident taken up by the police and fully investigated.

I'm not sure that it's helpful to frame it in that way if Tess's dsd didn't.

Two kids had sex on a whim without thinking about the consequences. That's all.

Do you think that dsds ONLY reason for wanting to keep the baby is that she does not want to abandon her baby in the way her own mother abandoned her?

If so, you must help her see the difference.

Abortion should not necessarily be ruled out.

I do feel sorry for these two young silly teens, having their lives turned upside down purely because they are young and stupid, and without sufficient adult guidance in his home and on the schooltrip.

Bit much to assume the lad had insufficient parental guidance; this took two young people, after all.

I do think that the school need to know the circumstances so that everybody involved gets a rollicking for such stupid immature behaviour. I think there is a teaching point in there about the consequences of peer pressure.

Thinking of you Tess, please do something relaxing, like a spa or at least a massage.

Take care xx :)