Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/10/2010 20:57

DSD's biomum dumped her on her DF's doorstep when she was nine, for a holiday. She hasn't been seen since.

Georgimama · 27/10/2010 20:57

OK she didn't use contraception - stupid but there are plenty of grown women who get knocked up in exactly the same way. And if I was pregnant and 14 I might be inclined to hide it for as long as possible, if nothing else in the hope the situation might go away.

I fed my baby before going to work and took him for walks in the pram. These are not entirely unreasonable comments. She knows fuck all about how hard it is going to be, but I can't say I was significantly more prepared and I was 27.

There are more options here than 1) abortion 2) Tess gets saddled. Mother and baby units were mentioned on the previous thread - I think one thing to do is contact GP/council/social services for advice on whether there is any provision in the local area.

Quattrocento · 27/10/2010 20:57

I'm not attacking the character of Tess's DH

I'm pointing out that the trouble with being a natural-born coper, is that it facilitates generally useless behaviour from those around you, who might otherwise have to do a bit more coping themselves.

I'm convinced that this is key to this family situation. Tess copes. She copes perhaps too well. This allows other people not to cope. If Tess were not there, who would go for the scan with DSD? I imagine (being that the DH has been reported to be a generally good bloke) that the DH would have HAD to do a bit more coping.

Do you imagine that the DSD would have had this pregnancy without reliable old Tess in the background? To clear up her and her baby's mess?

Frankly I think Tess should go on strike.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/10/2010 20:57

If you should bring up the baby to prove your love for his dd, then so equally should he. Or should he be absolved through biological paternity?

DirtyMartiniOfDoom · 27/10/2010 20:59

Agree with Quattro.

FingandJeffing · 27/10/2010 21:00

She won't be able to imagine being the 20 year old mum to a 6 year old. When I was 14 I though I would have married at 19 to my then current boyfriend!

You can tell her though that it will be hard as she will have limited resources and very limited time to live the life she is used to. Remember she is still a child give her a hug, tell her you will all get through this. You can show that you are sad perhaps because you hoped she wouldn't choose such a difficult path but you should not lay your marriage issues on her, that is for you and your DH to sort out.

You sound like you are doing great though, and being a kind and loving mum doesn't mean that you should take on this baby. It will be your DD's child and she needs to remember that it will be her giving things up to care for the baby.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2010 21:00

The DSD asked her if she'd help with nights and weekends.

So yeah, the assumption is that good ol' Tess will do the donkey work and the DSD will enjoy a couple of feeds and a walk with it every day.

Hmm

No, I didn't attack the dh's character, either.

Because again, IMO, this thread is about Tess and the effects of all this on her because, well, as pointed out, everyone else has support.

Tess has a message forum used by a bunch of people who are strangers to her.

Says it all, really.

Sad
Haliborange · 27/10/2010 21:00

Agreed, Pooka, and tbh I kind of think it is a parent's job to make sure that a 14 year old fully understands the consequences of her actions (for herself and for those around her), particularly since this is a decision they can't make for her. Treading gently, if this means just accepting her decision with no discussion, surely can't help her to do that?

Tess, I hope you're okay and I hope your DH is pulling his socks up.

CardyMow · 27/10/2010 21:01

Quint - what you said about motherhood being for life is so so true. I DID NOT realise when I fell pregnant at 15yo that right now, at 29yo, I would be dealing with teenage tantrums from my 13yo DD. I did not look any further down the line than having my baby.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/10/2010 21:02

Obviously, it goes without saying, Expat, that we are great! Wink But we cant come and babysit, and change nappies.

Georgimama · 27/10/2010 21:03

And naturally the DSD needs to have it pointed out to her that Tess is not going to do the donkey work if she has the baby, hence why I suggested she go and stay in a teen mother and baby unit where she can be taught the skills she will need, and get support to make that fit with her education.

The other options are, as someone else has said, open or closed adoption. A work colleague of mine has two children through adoption (not birth siblings) - one has contact with her "tum mum" the other was a conventional closed adoption.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2010 21:05

Georgi, the DH will not allow the DSD to go to a mother & baby unit.

'but I can't say I was significantly more prepared and I was 27.'

You are an adult at 27. You were twice the age of this child, with all the life experiences that go with having lived 14 years longer.

That's why there are things like laws about consent. Because we're talking about children.

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 21:07

Spidookly sorry I didn't mean it was a given that Tess would more inconvenienced than her DH, only that it would be that way if it continued as he saw fit.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/10/2010 21:07

'But we cant come and babysit, and change nappies.'

Hell no! There's a reason why DH got snipped and I'm still using a NuvaRing and will do till menopause.

To ensure those days are over.

Georgimama · 27/10/2010 21:08

Tess's DH can't stop her.

And laws about medical consent get very muddy around about the age of 14 - a minor of that age is considered likely to be capable of giving or with-holding consent to a procedure. No ob-gynae is going to perform an amnio on a 14 year old who doesn't want it, for example.

Quattrocento · 27/10/2010 21:09

That's why I suggested that the DSD spend time with a toddler rather than a baby. Because we don't imagine very easily that the baby grows into a toddler, the toddler into a child, the child into an adolescent ... who in the case of Tess's DSD is now determined to have a baby

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 21:10

Tess, do you mind me asking how old her BM was when she was born? Were they married, or in a long term relationship?

OP posts:
TessoftheDamned · 27/10/2010 21:11

Quick post as I'm in pieces following on conversation with DH & DSD. I'm going to get away for two days, I have to be back before the weekend as DS1 has a big football match. Have arranged for the boys to stay at friends for another 2 days.

DH and DSD are staying here to work out what's going to happen. She finally told us the boy is from her school, is also 14, and does not know she is pregnant. She did get pregnant on the school trip. Her and this boy had sex as a dare from friends to see if they could 'get away with it' without teachers knowing, although they have also had sex before at his home when his parents weren't in. I asked her were the teachers not watching the rooms? She said they did it behind a building while on an outing Shock Sad to 'prove' that they'd done it to friends.

I am utterly and incomprehensibly sickened by this, upset and angry and feel like a fusty old person in that I never would have believed things like this have gone on. I'm not entirely sure I haven't said too much on this thread so I don't know how much I will update from here on in as don't want her to be recognised/ridiculed. The next step I guess is telling the boys' parents but at some stage I just walked out and told them to get on with it. I'm taking my netbook so will be able to read replies if you care to keep posting, and if anyone does care to know what happens I'll come back on. I am sorting counselling for myself.

CardyMow · 27/10/2010 21:11

Thing is - If Tess's DH is busy telling his DD that it will all be fine, Tess will do it all, she doesn't have to worry...then why would Tess's DD think any different. TBH I don't think this is now centered on Tess's dsd, I think it now HAS to be centred on her DH and how much he is willing to step up and be a supportive parent...And a supportive husband to Tess. He needs to stop ignoring Tess's views on rearing her dsd's baby, and stop discounting the work that Tess does.

Tess's DH has categorically stated that he will not put his DD into a mother and baby unit, and has told his DD that she can keep the baby. All on the assumption that his life will carry on much the same as before, Because Tess will do all the hard work. That, IMO, is at best unfair, and at worst, doing his DD a great disservice, as there is no way she will learn to cope with her baby if she is not made to/helped to.

There will be plenty of services out there to help Tess's dsd, surely it is time for Tess to stop running around and doing all the hard work, and insisting that her DH AND her dsd (who's baby it will be, after all) find out about the services available to make sure it does not fall to Tess.

Tess - Tell your DH that he needs to help his DD to do practical things, like booking in with a MW. DON'T do it for them...

Georgimama · 27/10/2010 21:12

Tess may find this site useful as it has a specific teen parent section with information we probably don't have.

I also think the school, GP and social services need to be involved so that the whole family can get some support. Relate now do family counselling as well as couples and are used by CAFCASS for parenting courses.

Original poster
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 27/10/2010 21:12

Good girl Tess. Sending you loads of love and strength. Sad

OP posts:
Discowife · 27/10/2010 21:13

kentteenagepregnancies.nhs.uk

don't know if that is of any use, might be some helpful info for you AND dsd though.

teza267 · 27/10/2010 21:15

Tess, be strong. You have to be for yourself! Sending you loads of love and strength and hugs.....

ZZZenAgain · 27/10/2010 21:15

gets worse and worse really Tess, doesn't it? Such a silly reason for creating a human life which carries so much responsibility with it.

OK good for you arranging to withdraw yourself from it for a couple of days. I think you need that. Well done, organising counseling for yourself. It will be tremendously difficult I should think remaining with dh when he has taken you for granted in all this and refused to effectively shoulder the burden. It is not at all easy to simply up and leave either, is it? It is all very very tough.

I really have no idea what I would have done in your shoes but I am sure I would not have handled it so well.

itsatiggerday · 27/10/2010 21:15

Oh Tess, am so sorry. Have been following along and each of your posts just seems to be more and more painful. Am I right in thinking 'prove they'd done it' means there was an audience? If so, I think your DH needs to take that up with the school at some point down the track - some serious PHSE or something.

I hope you manage to get a bit of space over the time away and that things start to pick up from the freefall there seems to have been so far. And hope you can get some counselling soon.

Take care of yourself and know that there will come a time in the future when you look back at this and have to remember how terrible it was because the immediate emotions will have receded.