DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

mathanxiety, the DSD can't be kept in a happy bubble that she's going to have a baby and everything is going to be fine. She needs to know the repercussions on everyone, that's not emotional bullying, that's the facts, cold and harsh as they might be.

I see what you mean Lougle. I don't like the idea of abortion but I think it is the lesser of two evils in this situation long term.

*gives"-"But if this girl was hell-bent on a baby of her own it would have happened any time, any place"

I disagree with this. I was 'hell-bent' on having a baby at that age but my 'D'M made me a virtual prisoner so prevented the possibility.

Phish _ I dont think she ever considered a termination. She wanted this from before she was pg. She prob got the info from the net as a way of convincing Tess to agree with her decision to keep the baby.

Was about to type pretty much exactly what Spidookly just wrote...so won't bother.

Very conscious of the conversation going on in Tess's house right now. Thinking of you.

Oh dear, Tess, it's all getting more complicated by the day!

I really really feel for you. You're being amazing, but I completely agree with all the others who have said that you really need to step back from making arrangements/decisions and get away for a bit if possible.

And you need to tell DH and DSD exactly why you are going - because you feel like too much responsibility is already being placed on you, because you are extremely upset by the whole situation and because they need some time to communicate with each other and to start to take responsibility without you there to facilitate.

I'd also make it clear to DSD that it will be SHE who has to tell the school (with you and DH there), her relatives and anyone else who needs to know.

I'm not against abortion but the dsd has said she doesn't want one. For her to be manipulated into one is wrong, especially at 16 weeks + - I could feel all my babies moving earlier than that. Abortion is the right choice when the person knows they want one. When they don't it usually proves to be extremely destructive.

There is evidence to show that women fare better after a termination when they were actively trying to prevent the pregnancy.

I think that an abortion would not actually remove the problem for Tess, either, given that her DSD has obvious difficulties and psychological baggage because of the way her birth mother has treated her. As Custy said on the other thread, she'd be likely to get pregnant again in any event.

I agree with Lougle's posts and especially that her dh will also be in shock right now and will hopefully be more use to Tess soon (she has said that usually he's dependable).

Agree entirely with math.

DSD is responsible for being pregnant and will have to be responsible for what happens with any baby she has.

She is not, and cannot be made, responsible for her father's failure to support her.

If the family is blown apart because this situation exposes her father as a lazy inadequate then that is sad, but his lazy inadequacy was always there. The fact that her issues put it into stark relief isn't her fault.

I really hope to God this man at some point realises what a twat he's being and makes proper amends to the two women in his life he's letting down so terribly when they need him.

'I hope she realises that even those of us on this thread who feel strongly against abortion (admittedly in a minority), especially at 16 weeks, would want to give her as much support as possible, no matter what the outcome.'

There's your solution, Tess. Get the pro-lifers to show if they walk the walk and hand the baby over to Lougle whenever you aren't up to looking after it.

foreverstudent - it's completely wrong to keep anyone a 'virtual prisoner'. What a sinister idea.

"There is no reason on earth why he can't be the primary support for his daughter through this"

Well there's no reason but he's a bit unreconstructed and sounds a bit useless. So there might be no reason why can't be the primary support but equally he has no reason to do it either. Tess has broad shoulders, remember?

So far the only thing he has been supporting is the nearest bar. It really doesn't sound as though he's planning to evolve a couple of centuries any time this lifetime. Tess would be a mug to think that he's going to shape up. And she's no mug.

I do feel for you Tess, and completely understand your anger at DSD and your husband. But one of them is an adult and you have more reason to be angry with him than her.

Could everyone stop the unpleasant remarks about Tess's step-daughter? People seem to have ascribed some quite complex thoughts and motivations to a person they know nothing about. She could have planned the whole thing, but bearing in mind there are plenty of grown women of 20, 30, 40 or more on here who have had unplanned pregnancies, she could have tried to take every precaution and been unlucky. We just don't know.

One thing though Tess - please don't try to make her have an amnio - explain its purpose to her by all means, but she has to decide. I can only imagine the uproar if a MNer posted that her husband was trying to force her to do so. If she is going to face up to the consequences of what has happened, one of those consequences is that she has to start making tough decisions and taking what comes.

I agree that going away for a few days with the sons to let dsd and her father deal with this together and "bond" over the situation may be very helpful here. This will force him to deal with the situation rather than dump his dd and her problem on his wife.

its important that, having discounted termination as an option, DSD now looks at the other two options available to her - keeping the baby and adoption.

i believe that they now have "open adoptions" where the biological mum and the prospective adoptive parents share parenting for the first year, so that the baby is not traumatised. I believe that the biological mum still gets contact with the child thereafter. She should speak to a social worker to discuss this as an option, and to find out exactly what it entails.

However, if this baby was conceived in the hope of filling a hole in her heart left by her mum....

If she expects to keep the baby, she needs to ensure she understands exactly what that entails...financial (Nappies, clothes, shoes, car seat, cot, pram, changing mat, baby bath, formula, steriliser, )...Get her to do the research, so she knows just how much this baby is going to cost. Make sure she understands that the rest of the family will have to make financial sacrifices for her and the child, like holidays, mobile phone top ups etc. All her income (pocket money, child benefit) will now be going to the keep of her child, and providing essential equipment. Make sure she understands this.

I also agree with those that have said she needs to know that you will not give up your life and career because of a decision she has made. And while you can offer to babysit once a week, she needs to find out about the things she will be entitled to and the grants she can apply for - maybe your local midwives will know?

tess, make sure you do lot lose yourself and your needs in all this drama - is easy to take on the role of primary carer because you can. you could find yourself, 7 or 8 years down the line, with dsd moved out with child, sons gone, no career and a seething resentment for your husband. Don't immerse yorself in your DSDs life choices, step back and let her find her own way.

electra- rights and wrong are all very blured in this situation, though, aren't they?

She would be a mug to accept anything less than him shaping up.

If he refuses she should leave.

Broad shoulders sounds like another word for being a martyr.

It's not hard to make it clear to someone that you will not be picking up their slack.

Georgimama - Tess's DSD has already admitted she didn't use contraception. Also that she knew how far along she was.

Don't you all see that it's a bit unfair (and imo) unhelpful to attack the characters of people we don't know? We don't know Tess's dh - she has said that he's usually a supportive husband. I feel for her of course that he seems to have fallen to pieces and is currently leaving her to pick them up but only Tess knows her dh.

I am very pro-choice and in this situation I would also want my daughter to have a termination. It doesn't sound like the child wants this though and it would be immoral to try to coerce her. I would also bet that if you managed it, she would be pregnant again with 18 months.

I wish you all the best and hope that your DH is able to face things tonight and talk though some options for everyone.

Also, when she is 19, she will be the mother of a 5 year old to support in his/her schooling, and at 23, a 9 year old, and before she is 30 will have to guide a young teen through puberty. Babies are cute, but motherhood is for life.

Or does she think that children can be dumped on any convenient grown-up, like she was dumped?

"There is no reason on earth why he can't be the primary support for his daughter through this."

Exactly - and because of DSD's mum's behaviour I would go so far to say he HAS to be the primary support, otherwise the cycle continues. Not meaning to be speculatively scary - but at the moment this seems like the worst case scenario. It's not. DSD needs to feel emotionally secure - any mother (even without DSDs background) can suffer (and be surprised to suffer) from PND/attachment issues post birth but those who are well supported and feel secure emotionally have a better chance of avoiding this. I think DH needs to understand he, as the biological parent, can offer something to DSD that Tess can't, even with all the love in the world up and beyond the point of sacrificing the next 5 - 7 years of her life to prove her love and that is just because of who he is. It cuts dead any crap from DH about Tess not loving DSD equally, which is not only untrue but also irrelevant.

I still think that termination at this gestation need not be gruesome. Under ga.

Tess - I feel for you. Like others have posted I think it makes sense for you and the boys to get away for a while if possible.

Your dh has to face up to his daughter. She has to be made aware of the consequences of her choices and that what she is doing is having a horrendous impact on those around her.

A child that can say that shed feed the baby before and after school and take it out on walks is a child that needs a doll, not a baby. Certainly not a child capable of being s mother at this age. Too late though if she is determined to carry on. But i personally would not be facilitating this fantasy by pulling sny punches about the realities of motherhood at such an age.

sorry I missed this and I cannot find it perusing the thread. In what way was the DSD dumped?

foreverastudent sorry, I think I misread! From rereading it looks like she (DSD) researched abortions as a way of backing up her choice not to have one. My mistake.

With DSDs emotional problems I think even if she had been persuaded into an abortion, another pregnancy could have soon followed after.

It just seems there is no clear cut solution, it's such a difficult situation.

He needs a counsellor to point out to him that it's emotional blackmail to try to manipulate you into bringing up this baby to prove your love to your DSD.

And if he's serious about caring about all this and going to counselling then he's perfectly capable of picking up the phone and finding one. None of this 'Well, he's a man,' shit.

He's an adult and father.

ZZZen, the DSD's mother has abandoned her.

I see thanks